I regret having the lap band surgery (m)

[allykat 1]

I really did research this and just felt so excited to be having this. I really have a great DH who loves me in spite of my weight - he thinks I'm beautiful the way I am. And man, do I love him for that.

But a few days before surgery, he told me he didn't support me doing this. He said he felt like if he was happy with me than that was all that mattered. I had a real honest heart-to-heart with him, where I told him exactly how I feel being overweight and exactly how much I weighed. I really left that conversaton feeling like he got it and he was behind me.

The the day of surgery, he barely spoke to me. After getting home, we had it out a little, and he said he just didn't like it that I was all cut up and that I did this. We've talked again, and I can see now that he was never totally for this surgery. He is against it because it changes me and puts "unnatural things" in my body and he also is worried of the financial burden since I was self pay.

I'm just so sad now. Had I known it was going to be like this with him, I'd have never done this. I really thought I had his support. He is trying hard now to get over his feelings, because what is done is done. But I just feel like I made a huge mistake.

[Jaymie72 0]

You know I kind of went through the same thing. My dh and I got into it the night before the surgery and didn't talk until we were on our way to the hospital. He said that he was just so worried for me and loved me the way I was. I tol him that I understand that and I respected that as well but I was doing this for me. You need to do this for you. He will get over it, trust me, mine did. You are the one that has to live in that body, no one else. I know that you did not do this to put your family in jeapordy, neither did I. We did this because we wanted to be happy and healthy and live longer to be with our family. It is so hard to carry around the extra weight. My dh just didn't get it because he is not heavy. I hope this helps. Don't beat yourself up over it. Just know you didn't do it for your dh, you did it for you. YOu have done so well already, don't give up. Good luck, hon!!

[luluc 6]

Hopefully your husband will realize you did this for You and Your Health. He sounds like he's afraid you'll change vs gaining a healthy lifestyle - those appear to be issues that he'll need to work through. You shouldn't feel guilty for a making a decision for better health, nor should you sabotage yourself now that you are banded.

I think you should continue to talk w/him about this and make him part of your journey - he might be feeling "left out", and if you invovle him in all areas he might just embrace this sooner rather than later.

All the best~

[Sue Magoo 71]

Sheryl:

He might just be a bit insecure because you are going to look like a new Sheryl. In a few months you might have the energy to go and get a part time job to help pay for that band, so hopefully the money spent won't be an issue.

Good luck. I love my band!

Sue

[kbinaz 0]

I agree with what was stated above...and one more thing...sometimes men react to fear with different emotions because they don't want to seem 'weak'. Anger is actually a secondary emotion and my guess is that your dh is actually really scared. There is a lot going on in his head (the whole fear of losing you, fear of change, fear of the band etc.) This makes it tough for you because right now you need someone to just be there and help you through this post-surgery time. I really hurt for you because I don't know what I would have done without my dh who has been my rock through it. But, that said, your hubby is who you have right now and the best thing I can tell you is to keep talking. Keep asking him questions and keep explaining things. In the end, as someone said above, it is your body and your decision and the $ has been spent. There is nothing at this point that is going to take that band out of you or unspend the money! He is going to have to go through whatever process necessary to come to terms with what is going on and it may take him a little while. I'm sorry for you, please know that there are hundreds of us out here hurting for you and here if you need encouragement. Hopefully he will 'get it' soon!

[plump_princess 1]

I hate that old "unnatural thing in your body" line that every opposer of the lap band surgery likes to bring up.

It's "unnatural" to have 100 lbs of excess weight on our bodies.

And furthermore, obesity is an illness. You don't see people advising people with bad hips not to have hip replacement because it's "unnatural".

We all have to make informed decisions, weighing the positives and negatives of the band. Everyone else's opinion, including our spouses, should be taken with a grain of salt. In this day in age, nothing is forever, including marriage and other relationships. No one can/should tell us how it feels to be in our bodies and what is best for it. We have sole responsibility to care for ourselves in a way that's beneficial to our own well-being, despite other's opinions....

Your husband will come around as he sees the hotter, healthier, happier you. Or as an option, he could miss out on being there with and experiencing the hotter, healthier, happier you. He seems to be the one who has made the wrong choice, here!

Hang in there, you're already doing so well!

[mia31771 0]

I really did research this and just felt so excited to be having this. I really have a great DH who loves me in spite of my weight - he thinks I'm beautiful the way I am. And man, do I love him for that.

But a few days before surgery, he told me he didn't support me doing this. He said he felt like if he was happy with me than that was all that mattered. I had a real honest heart-to-heart with him, where I told him exactly how I feel being overweight and exactly how much I weighed. I really left that conversaton feeling like he got it and he was behind me.

The the day of surgery, he barely spoke to me. After getting home, we had it out a little, and he said he just didn't like it that I was all cut up and that I did this. We've talked again, and I can see now that he was never totally for this surgery. He as against it because it changes me and puts "unnatural things" in my body and he also is worried of the financial burden since I were self pay.

I'm just so sad now. Had I known it was going to be like this with him, I'd have never done this. I really thought I had his support. He is trying hard now to get over his feelings, because what is done is done. But I just feel like I made a huge mistake.

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. Everyone deserves the support of their families. I don't know what I would've done with the support of my fiance. Especially through the bandster hell weeks. Quite possibly you are going to face some really hard weeks in the upcoming month. I hope your husband comes around and sees that this is such an important tool for you to get healthy and have a longer life with him. My main reason for doing this was for my health. I lost my mother to a heart attack at age 57- I will be 30 in a few weeks. I want to live a long life with the people I love and I can't do that at an ever growing 370 + pounds. Maybe bring him with you to our support meeting when we have it and let him see that even though we had WLS we are still wonderful ppl who only want to be healthy and that you are just like us. I went through some bouts of 'what the hell have I done' shortly after surgery. Heck two weeks post op, I was facing port revision surgery. I was NOT a happy camper. I just can't imagine not having some type of support system. I will pray that your husband comes around and gives you the support you need. If there is anything that I can personally do, just let me know. I'm not far from thomasville at all and maybe we can get together and talk sometime. Find the support you need from wherever you can get it. Don't sit there and regret this surgery. I really feel deep down that we have made the right decision in having it done. Good Luck!

[libra 13]

I hate to sound harsh, but you have the surgery for you and no one else. Chances are, he's feeling a little nervous that you'll lose a lot of weight and not want him anymore. I think a lot of spouses go through that. My husband started getting a little insecure after I lost 50 or so pounds.

He probably needs to be reassured that you won't leave him once your thin.

[coolcrystal 1]

I get sad when I see stuff like this... DONT LET YOUR HUSBAND CONTROL YOU!! Why do women let their husbands control them, manipulate them and make them feel bad about stuff like this?? He sounds wishy washy to me. LIke he was going to be supportive and then he changed his mind and is trying to make you feel guilty because he can't deal with his own emotions about this.

He needs to be a supportive husband, period, and if not, oh well! it's your body, not his. And, his statement about being "all cut up".. PLEASE.. I've seen several lap band scars a year out and I could barely even tell.. the only scar visible was the port scar and I have a cut on my thumb from a glass cutting me that looks worse than all the ones I've seen!

You need to just say: listen, it's done.. it's over with.. if you can't deal with the minute scars then oh well.. when I start losing weight and feeling better about myself you'll see it's worth it.

I don't know if he's scared you'll leave him, or, if he's scared that once you'll lose weight, you'll gain confidence and then he can't manipulate you any longer... you see, some men like having a fat wife so they can boss them around and treat them like shit and keep them where they want them.

Anyway, I'm getting too emotional here. I've just seen this too many times and I'm so happy my husband Jerry was a wonderful and supporting husband and when he was worried I would lose a lot of weight.. guess what, he joined a gym and did my diet with me and has gone from 255 to 231 this morning! He wants us to be healthy together... and when somebody loves you, they could care less if you have a few scars on your belly!

So please, don't regret the band... and maybe you need to just be a big B with your husband and tell him off or something.

Of course, this is me.. I wouldn't take that shit from any man..

[Blund 0]

I agree about men showing anger in place of fear. They are wired differently for sure. Not to sound harsh, but he was not up-front with you about his feelings from the beginning. YOU should not feel guilty Allykat. Its great that you've discussed it and maybe you should see a counselor who is involved with LB pre-op testing. Especially a male counselor whom your DH might feel more comfortable with. I know my shrink said that anytime before or after surgery he'd be happy to see me. In fact, if I'm approved, I'm seriously considering seeing him with DH just to be sure we're on the same page with this.

[pmcdaniel 0]

amen to taking crap from any man

[snowbird 2]

if you had a good marriage to start with, you will both get past this. However, don't expect a lot of support if you have the usual results of lapband like sliming and pbing. Unfortunately, you will have to go it alone. Just come talk to us!

I bet in a year's time--heck, in a couple of months' time--this will no longer be an issue for the two of you.

I have been married 30 years; I have made a few major decisions that my husband did not agree with, and we had uncomfortable periods because of it. But in the end we realize that is just part of sharing life with another human being. You aren't always going to be perfectly in sync, and sometimes it's even major issues that you don't agree on.

Show him you love him, show him how happy you are when you are thinner, talk about how much healthier you feel and how you are looking forward to a longer and healthier life. As other people said, a lot of men find any change to be threatening. When he becomes used to the idea of a thinner, happier, healthier wife, he will forget his anger and fear.

[tweenwaters 0]

I also agree with the other posts in saying that it could very well be your husbands own insecurities. Is he overweight? I also understand the financial burden it puts on the family as I am also a self-pay. In just two months I'll be turning 40....that was a HUGE wake-up call for me to take this risk and get healthy....not only for me but for my husband and two children. I'm down almost 30 pounds since beginning my pre-op and the best part is that I'm not so insecure anymore. It has helped me to ignite that passion with my hubby again....and the compliments and support he gives me is priceless. Maybe show your hubby some extra lovin...and help his insecurites be put to rest that you are not going to stop loving him once you are at your healthy goal weight.

[Pix 4]

Honey like all bad things, this to shall pass. My DH has never wanted me to get this done, but he is behind me 100% cause he knows I need to do this for me. He was up front with why he doesn't want me to get it done.

I do admit I laughed at his reasons (he doesn't want some quack cutting up his wife... he loves me the way I am etc ... etc ) But he knows I am doing this for me, not him, not the kids but ME. I NEED this done for me.

You could always use the clincher I used with my DH "but baby, just imagine the positions we can get into after I am thin"

He stopped, thought about it .. and well ... needless to say, he is still against it but he knows why and is supporting me in every way. He is honestly just scared something will happen to me, and the fact he is half a world away isn't helping things. But this is just a road bump in a 10yr marriage that will last a life time if I can help it.

[*susan* 1,709]

I agree with Libra and tweenwaters. My husband was all for my getting healthy and living a longer, happier life. However, he is seven years older than me. When we met, I was fat and he fell in love with me that way. He finally told me he was concerned that he felt I may have "settled" for him because I was fat and didn't think I could do any better. Therefore, he was worried when I started losing weight I would go out and try and find someone closer to my own age, etc. Knowing his insecurities, I make a constant point of letting him know how much I love him and that he is the only man for me. By doing that, he seems to have gotten over his worries and supports me 100%.