Feelings about being FAT.

[staindgal 0]

I had a dream last night that I was pregnant. It was a wonderful dream... The worst part was when I woke up, and remembered that I am not pregnant, just fat.

I need to do more than want to lose weight.

I need to do more than plan to lose weight.

I need to do more than talk about losing weight.

Bottom line... I need to actually lose weight.

But how do I do that? I mean I know the basic principles... Eat less, exercise more. That's all well and good, but how does someone like ME do that? I apparently have less willpower than the average bear, and a sick emotional relationship with over-eating. I often feel completely hopeless about my situation, and it is at those times I make rationalizations that "one more pizza/donut/cheeseburger/trip to the buffet" won't hurt.

I know it does hurt, but sometimes I hurt so much that I would just rather have a mouthful of calories to concentrate on chewing so that I don't have to think about the sinking ship that is my health, and my body.

I'm going to have my husband take a picture of me now. I always avoid pictures... Hell, there are only two mirrors in my house... and they only show me from the neck up! I need to face what I have become... an obese woman.

Yep... That's me. The truth is not pretty folks. I'm only 25 years old. I'm young. I want to feel young. I want to leave my house and do fun things without the constant fear that someone is going to mock me. I dont want to feel so insecure that I cancel plans with friends because I am afraid to look for pants that fit. I want to be able to get pregnant, and not only that... I want to be a fun and active mother!

I just want to feel like I am living my life... not like I am just sneaking through it trying to avoid embarassment. I guess you could considder this an epiphany...

[luigismama 0]

You've done a very brave and wonderful thing for yourself. It must have been really challenging to have your DH take a full-body pic of you. Sometimes, it's those new views of ourselves that help us see how far we've let food run our lives. You may not have the band yet, but you've already lost 20 lbs! You're well on your way to becoming a healthier version of yourself, and we're all here to support each other through this. You may have actually FEEL things now instead of numbing them with food, but that payoff is worth it, right?

When I read your post, it was like reading what I've been writing in my journal for years. Guess what? We're going to make it happen. We're young, and we have our whole lives ahead of us!

[Sue Magoo 71]

Staindgal:

I could have written most of this ten months ago, but now I feel so much better about myself now that I'm down 107 pounds.

I cannot tell if you are banded by your message. If not, I hope it happens soon. If already banded, get back on plan and let the band do half of the work and you do the other half.

I hope things improve for you. I'm sure that there's someone in those pictures that deserves to lose the weight and have a fuller life.

Take care.

Sue

[staindgal 0]

You've done a very brave and wonderful thing for yourself. It must have been really challenging to have your DH take a full-body pic of you. Sometimes, it's those new views of ourselves that help us see how far we've let food run our lives. You may not have the band yet, but you've already lost 20 lbs! You're well on your way to becoming a healthier version of yourself, and we're all here to support each other through this. You may have actually FEEL things now instead of numbing them with food, but that payoff is worth it, right?

When I read your post, it was like reading what I've been writing in my journal for years. Guess what? We're going to make it happen. We're young, and we have our whole lives ahead of us!

I am so glad to see other young people on here! We do have our whole lives ahead of us... I hope thy're LONG, HAPPY, and HEALTHY! :thumbdown:

[bluekygirl 0]

staindgal, sometimes I think I'm the only one in the world that feels this way, and then you go and type my exact thoughts. Your post got to me because it was like I was reading my own words. The only difference is that I already have a child. A 10 month old beautiful little girl who I want to stay around to see grow up. And teach her healthy habits through my own actions. And I want to get in control of myself before she's old enough to know her mommy is FAT. You are certainly not alone. I am not banded yet either. I hope to be in the next month or so. I feel like my whole life is on hold until I get this band and that I can take control after that. I always wondered how an intelligent person, who knows exactly what it takes to lose weight, can continue on a path of self-destruction for so long while wanting so badly to just be normal. So, just know that there are people who feel your pain. I wish you much success in your journey. Apparently, there is a whole network of people here who just want to help each other and share experiences. I'm glad we found this place. Good luck...you can do it.

[Lady V 0]

When you talk about 'one more trip to the buffet won't hurt' I know exactly what you are saying. Sometimes I will be so disiplined and then I think...what difference is one egg mcmuffin really going to make in the long run? But then it keeps building up. Good luck. I just joined this forum last night and I am going to read and read to learn as much as I can.

[staindgal 0]

I feel much better having posted that initial blurb. I feel like I have to actually FACE the facts, and it's great to not be in a fantasy world for a while!

I know that reality has it's downside, but I need to ride the wave of accomplishment and feeling driven to succeed as long as possible!

Thanks for all the feedback and support!

[k_podski 2]

Wow staindgal... I think you have just put into words my own thoughts for the last 6 months... Now if I only had the guts to have my husband take a full body shot of me;).. Hehe..

You are super brave for throwing this out there.. You can sooo do it.. YOU GO GIRL!!

~Kerri

[NikkiD 0]

Hi staindgal

Looks like you are going down the right path. 22.6 lbs that is awesome!! Take that as a positive and run with it.

Good luck with your journey

[renewedhope 4]

I could relate to these feelings prior to being banded. I am now 4 months out and have lost 47 pounds. My hope is renewed. I can't say for you, but choosing the band was the best decision that I have ever made for my health and wellness. I still have to do the work, but now I have help. I proved to myself so many times that just deciding to eat right, again, didn't get me there.

Are you still considering getting the band. I cannot stress enough the difference it has made for me.

I wish you the very best.

[krazygrl77 1]

When i read this it was like you took the words right outta my mouth. (yeah i'm from the south! hahaha!)

I think that is one of the reasons i keep going back and forth on whether i really want the band or do i need the band. Sometimes i feel like i'm going to cheat myself by getting it, but on the other hand i'm afraid i will love it so much and it will work so good that what if it breaks or fails and i have to get it done again and i can't. Such a battle of thoughts going on in my head lately.

Best of luck to you!!!

[ValerieG 0]

Sue:

Wow! I am so envious. 107lbs. in 10 months. I've been banded now for 2 years and lost 60lbs. I have another 50lbs. to go and have just stalled. I've only had three fills in those two years, but I really need to get back on track. I'm going to Italy in April and I'd like to drop at least 10 more lbs. What are you eating/doing? I joined this group to get myself motivated again. I've gained a few pounds back and need to just stop and get back on the horse. I've dropped some of the pounds and have been going to the gym. Any motivation you can give me would be appreciated.

ValerieG

[Mithotyn 0]

Same things I was saying to my boyfriend before bed the other night! Same age even...I'm *afraid* of scales... I haven't known my own weight in over 2 years...don't want to know. Seems like it's real easy for a day maybe 2...then something happens to throw me off track.

I don't WANT to be "high risk" with my next pregnancy due to my weight! And I WANT to be able to just grab clothes off the rack and KNOW there's a size that will fit. The list goes on...

[staindgal 0]

I just feel tired of trying to sneak through my life, and this is a non-threatening place to make my first steps out of my reality-blocking shell! I have to say, this is the most wonderful place I have found to talk with other people who have or are currently struggling with their weight.

I am not sure about actually having the surgery at this point... I guess I still just feel that because I am young I should be able to do this the old school way, and that it should be easier for my body to lose weight than if I were in my 30's or 40's. I am not opposed to the band, but at this point it is not something my insurance covers - or that I can afford!

If I do decide to get banded in the future, losing weight now will only help the situation... So I am trying to give it my all and really DO this!!

[Mithotyn 0]

.nods. I'm just starting to look into the band myself. I don't even know if it would be covered but here's to hoping.