I don't deserve how good this band has been to me.

[steph_co 9]

So, I didn't want to, but I guess I'll post about my 3-weeks' long struggle over here. I am a bit embarrassed and ashamed of myself, but I figure this can be kind of therapeutic getting it out there. (And also to show how incredibly imperfect I am.)

It all started when I hit my Valentine's Day goal of 188. I had weighed myself on like a Monday or something and then DH weighed himself on like a Wednesday or Thursday and he was 189. I was SO elated because for the first time since being with DH, I weighed less than him! (He has gained weight since we met.) I weighed myself the next morning and I was up to 192.5. HELLO. Can you say beyond pissed? Not only was I now back into the "obese" category, but I weighed more than my husband. He also weighed himself that day and he had lost like 3 lbs. Now, keep in mind that I HAD been eating right - he eats junk. So who DESERVED to lose those 3 lbs? ME. I was so upset with everything and everybody.

(I want to interject at this point because I KNOW that there will be the customary responses, "It was probably Water," "It was one of those day-to-day fluctuations," "I don't freak about the scale until I see the same number 3 days in a row," "Was it that TOM?" I know all of these things and no, it wasn't that TOM. But trying to talk reason to me in that very moment in time would have been like trying to talk an arachnophobe into picking up a spider. The mental reaction was that strong for me. I know all of the "reasons" that the fluctuation could have happened, but that's not the point of this post. So moving on...)

So it sparked off 3 weeks of not eating so good. I say it that way because there WERE days that I was relatively good, others not so much. There at the end, the 3 last days of it (I think it was this past Sunday, Monday, Tuesday) were really bad. I think by that point I had spiraled down far enough that I felt REALLY bad about myself and I just plain didn't care. I ate more than I should have, I ate plenty of carbs and sugar, I ate more often than I should have, etc. No, I don't need a fill. Trust me. I ate through the pain sometimes.

Well, I renewed my commitment yesterday to do right by my body. I started up taking my supplements again, I ate good foods all day long. I had an emotional reaction to something and ate two bowls of Cereal. Good heavens. I felt like this was never going to end. I have numerous reasons for wanting to get thin. I wrote a big old blog entry in my personal journal and reviewed all the reasons why I deserve to be thin. I do realize I get to seek some counseling. That is one thing I have told myself before I got the band that I had to set up. I haven't yet. I really think it would help me tremendously. I think the part that keeps me from doing it is trying to find the right counselor. If somebody could just shove me in the right direction of the perfect counselor, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But it's not going to be that easy - I guess I just have to suck it up and get out there counselor-hunting.

Anyway...onto the good part of this whole thing...and also the part that I very much do not deserve. I weighed myself this morning so that I would know what my new starting point was going to be. I'm back down to 188. I have no idea how or why. Other than that the band really DOES keep me from eating as much as I used to be able to. What feels like a binge now would have been next to nothing before the band. I get that feeling of fullness much easier and quicker so it really isn't possible to shovel in as many calories as I used to.

I am a self-pay for this band and yet I still don't feel I deserve it when I have spent the time that I have abusing it. But I do feel like I'm back on track, now. I'm back at work today and I think that helps when I'm starting back on the road to eating healthy because my mind stays on other things and food is not readily available - I have to go buy it. I'm starting up on South Beach Diet right now - it has always produced great results for me before. I'm hoping to lose 10 lbs by the 4-month bandiversary on March 15th.

I hope my story can help somebody. It really isn't that easy putting this all out there. It can be hard admitting major weakness. But I guess it's no secret that I had to be doing SOMETHING to put all that weight on in the first place.

[peabody 0]

what courage to post this very revealing and insightful note. i find such encouragement in what you're saying and it just reminds me that GRACE comes from a lot of places...even our bands....and especially ourselves and each other. If any of us had this crap figured out then we wouldn't be here.....i often find myself saying "those of us who have required GRACE have much GRACE to give" The grace to forgive ourselves and each other for imperfections. I also find myself saying if you have a belly button , your job description is to "F" up. If you've had a TT and you have a new plastic surgery belly button you still "F" up it's just prettier LOL

My wish for you and me and any of us is Grace, Forgiveness, Gratitude, and Peace

May you have all in great abundance

Amanda

[steph_co 9]

Thanks for that great response, Amanda. Your comment about the belly button cracked me up. Very true. Thanks.

[Jachut 487]

Your story is helpful to many, I'm sure.

Because its not whether or not you have these episodes, its how you handle them. We ALL have them. Just this last 2 weeks, I think I need a fill. I was at the darn doctors and elected to not have one, grrrrr. I had seven days of perfect eating, dipped UNDER 71kg (OMG OMG OMG) and have now followed this up with 4 days of carb binging. Egads!

But thanks to the band, have not gained a gram. But its getting back on track that counts, not actually falling off the wagon. We all do that.

[Momto1plus1 0]

Big Hugs girl!!! You know we are always so hard on ourselves. Why do we allow a number on a machine to control how we feel???? It's an ever going battle for me.

I have a band that I purcased from the internet. It's says, "All is forgiven. Move On!!" I look at it everyday.

[Skinny_Jill 36]

Steph,

We've all been there. Good for you for being accountable. You are learing and accepting responsibility and that is so important. I've had days like that too. Last week was rough but I managed to not gain. I got back in gear and lost 2 pounds. It is so hard but at the same time when I eat the right foods it seems so easy.

Hang in there! I know you will lose that 10 pounds by March 15.

[hollyberries 2]

You know Steph, sometimes your body just needs a break and by eating more calories you may have just kick started your body into action.

I find that if I am home doing nothing that the hungry horrors creep in and I find that eat more than I should. I can't figure this whole band thing out sometimes because the weight loss is sporadic. Take this week for example, I went down 3lbs. without really being on target. I have had a very stressed and busy week and had to eat out a lot but I tried to make good choices as best as I could.

I also agree with you that getting back on track is key. You've done that and you are definately allowed to go off track. If we thought that getting into this we would never fall...we are fooling ourselves.

You are doing just great and know that you are inspiration to all of us.

Cindy

[Longhorn 1]

Of course you deserve the band! If it was just for saints, this board would be empty! :thumbup:

I really don't think there is as strong a connection between our actions and weight on a daily or even weekly basis as we sometimes think. How many times have we followed every rule and worked our butts off and had no loss? Then we have a week like yours. It comes off when it comes off and I think we need to give ourselves credit for the entire journey and you certainly deserve credit for your hard work so far! Keep up the good work!

[Sades 4]

I sometimes wonder the same thing but the reality is that I have lost 31 lbs and kept it off in the last few months. Sure I could have lost another 10 or on top of that but I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I made a decision when I had the op that I was going to lose my weight in the next 8 months or so... I still have around 5 months to go. I also made a decision that I wasn't going to stop living because I like socialising and having the odd cake, alcoholic drink etc. So if that means not losing my weight as fast as some then so be it but I know that I will lose. Normal living for all of my slim friends is exactly what we are doing... good 90% of the time and letting go 10% of the time. Makes sense to me. Anyway thanks for sharing and keep on doing what you are doing because you've certainly frog leaped over me by a mile.

[Foofy 0]

Great post Steph. You are definately on the right track. It's a real sign of maturity to freak out, think about it, and then look for (and share) "lessons learned." Bravo!

I soooo understand your concerns about counseling. I am a manic researcher and read like crazy, so everytime I think about hiring a professional (counselor/financial planner/nutritionist/trainer/etc), I worry that they won't be the "right one" and I will have wasted my money and not learned anything. So, I chicken out and don't do it.

I think it's part of always needing to be in control. I am trying to change that way of thinking and relax enough to seek out various types of help, but it's not easy. If you figure out the answer, let us know.

[shortgal 5]

Steph Co: Misery loves company, so I'm here to join you. I had a bad weekend. My restriction sucks right now and we went away and well it's not that I ate really bad things, but I ate too much, too often (and had wine one night). This weekend came right at a time when last week, I had been following my old routine to a tee and did not lose a pound and acutally gained one pound. I knew I felt defeated by last week and that's why I ate too much this weekend.

The only thing I can fall back on is that I have a fill appt tomorrow. I'm just so worried if this one doesn't get me tight, I continue the binge. I'm hoping the two days of liquids after the fill will get me back on track.

I'm glad you got back in gear.

I'm self pay too, so I know how you feel. I also do not want to give up on all my previous success with the band and how good it feels to fit in smaller clothes etc.

My guilt right now is that I do not want to change my ticker back up. I just can't face that, so I will just leave it until I get back to where I was. I think this "Spring" challenge could be a tough one for me.

Bottom line is your weight lose since being banded is fabulous and you should be proud. You just had a small bump in the smooth road to thinness!