To Tell or Not to Tell???

[DeRaco 0]

I have wonderful support from my husband (he was the one who had actually suggested it, even though I'd seen and thought about it before, I just hadn't told him) but I'm not sure about the rest of my family and friends. My parents have been brutal (especially my dad) about my loosing weight since I was an adolescent. My mom lost weight the old fashioned way, going from about 175 to 135 in a year. My parents also own a TaeKwonDo school, which they're constantly trying to get me to come back to. I got all the way to a deputy black belt, but I still never lost weight, even with classes 3-4 times a week and soccer at school. I've been despirate and I feel like this is my last chance. But I still feel that they are going to tell me I'm taking "the easy way out," or am "cheating." As for my friends, a few of them are also overweight, but I know they can't afford this surgery (I got lucky, my insurance covers it). I'm afraid of disapointing my family, jealousy from friends and bitterness on both ends. Plus, my in-laws talk WAY too much, and I don't want to have to explain my choices to my mother-in-law's dietitian friend, or anyone else I hadn't intended to tell.

Anyhow, now that I've outlined my whole history, sorry, any suggestions?

[hopeinapril 1]

Hi DeRaco:

I think it is a personal decision. Personally, I am telling only a few people. I don't feel like I want to tell anyone else. I have a few folks who are actively against it for the same reasons you list above. Frankly, if I could do it another way and keep the weight off, I would be doing that now.

I wouldn't want the grief..... Good luck with your decision!

[NewGalWithABand 0]

DeRaco,

I was lucky in that everyone I know is supportive of me having lap band. I was banded on 02/07/2008. When I first read the title to your thread I was thinking, "why not tell. you are going through the trouble of surgery to help you lose weight, who cares who knows". However after reading your post I understand why you are questionable whether to tell or not. I know what it is like to have family and parents who can be brutal about you losing weight. Mine always have been. My mother however, was very excited about my having lap band (thank Goodness). I think if you are comfortable not telling them then just don't tell them. You need people around you that are going to be supportive. You said your husband is supportive and that is awesome. If your friends are jealous or not supportive, then they just aren't good friends to begin with. My best friend and I had our surgery together and there was a time when I was afraid one of us might be able to have surgery and the other one of us wouldn't. I told her no matter what, if she was able to have the surgery I would support her 100%. You gotta do what's best for you. You sure can't let others opinions dictate your decisions. All of your parent's hounding hasn't helped you lose weight in the past, so I would just do what I felt was best for me and leave their feelings about it out of my mind. Best of luck!!! With your husband by your side, I know you will do well!

[aubrie 6]

I've told very few people. It's none of thier business. I didn't even tell my parents or brothers and sister until 6 weeks later when I went home for Chiristmas. I wanted to have a significant loss to show that it works, and also to show that I was healthy and intact. My mother was frantic that I even brought it up months before. After seeing me, my family is all okay with it. They have been pretty supportive. Two in my family have diabetes, and I was headed that way, so they knew the potential for me to get it. I haven't told a soul at work. Water cooler gossip disgusts me. My two best girlfriends know, and a business associate in another town knows. That's it. My body and anything to do with it is private. THE END. Of course everyone wants to know how I'm losing. I just say diet and exercise and leave it at that.

[heather113076 0]

I say if you don't want to tell them then don't. If anyone asks how you are losing weight, tell them diet and exercise b/c it is not a lie. It is nobody's business except for your own. I haven't been banded yet but I have told 2 co-workers and my family knows. Everyone has been supportive of the decision. I have not told my other 2 co-workers because 1 I am sure is the one that would say something about the easy way out etc. and the other is a man and we aren't close at all. My hubby is supportive and my family is supportive and that is all that matters. I'm sorry your family wont be supportive but at least your hubby is and that is all that matters.

[Chrisann 0]

Why should they even care how you are losing weight as long as its done in a healthy way? You are 24 years old with your whole life ahead of you. Better that you have the opportunity now. I didn't, so now I am 40 years old and have the band 6 weeks. If it was available to me 15 years ago, I would have jumped.

This is you and your husband's decision only. I would rather see you do it now, get healthy younger and experience life as a thinner person than spend the next dozen years trying to do it the "old fashioned way". Besides, once you get it done, go back to the classes, I bet you will lose weight then.

[Elisabethsew 50]

My decision was NOT to tell anyone but my boyfriend and my best friend and that proved to be the right decision for me. I tried and failed at MANY diet over MANY years and did not want anyone evaluating me. Some people tell everyone and love the support they get. The bottom line is that you need to do what's best for YOU and not worry about anyone else. It's a very personal journey and sharing it, or not, is a personal choice.

[MamaJava 1]

I handled it a bit differently. I had intended on not telling anybody at all beforehand except my hubby and a couple of my closest friends, because one of them was trying to schedule her surgery on the same day as mine. She got in sooner than me, and we were banded 6 weeks apart.

Then everything changed. I realized I needed help with my baby during my healing time. I needed my mom for that because my husband had to keep working. My daughter and stepson also had to know why I would be in rough shape for a few days, and they needed to know why they had to help me with extra stuff around the house. I'm so close with my family, that I needed for them to know about this life-changing procedure because I needed their support for many reasons. I also saw myself becoming a great advocate for the band, and decided I was then going to tell everybody. I only tell people when I feel the time is right, and I be sure that when the conversation is over, they have a newer understanding of the procedure and the fact that this is still a VERY difficult road for me. Everybody I know has been educated properly...and I've been happy to do that.

Nobody has judged me because I won't let them. I've always been a very strong, straightforward kind of gal, and people know that about me. I have no problems with explaining myself, I don't feel this is a private thing for me anymore because I don't want it to be. That's just me, though. I'd rather be a poster child for this procedure...it makes me feel like I'm giving back to the band, which is going to be giving so much to me.

That's just me, though! :mad: Do what makes you comfortable. I'm not embarrassed, I'm not ashamed, and I'm definitely not afraid to tell people how it is. For others, that's not easy stuff to do. I like being the person to set people straight, and I enjoy educating others. This lap band gives me an excellent platform to be able to do such things.

[Wheetsin 714]

I told everyone. Aside from the whole concept that it's not something I need to feel secretive or about or judged for, it's what I felt I needed -- PERIOD.

If you're out with friends or co-workers, and have to PB - and if you ever go out with anyone this is probably going to happen - it will be very, very hard to hide it. Trust me. It doesn't just happen. It's usually a long and painful process that might require several trips to the bathroom, or just one really long trip, and you're probably not going to be perky right away -- if they're prolonged (more than one or two yaks, I'd guess) episodes, you really do feel drained afterwards. I've been out with friends/co-workers, and been in this spot more than once, and having them already know made it so much easier. I could just say "that last bite didn't go well, be back when I can" and head to the bathroom and don't have to worry about lying to anyone, having them wanting to come in and check on me to see if I'm ok, etc. In fact one time I had a PB strike in the back of a limo ride to the airport with a coworker, and had to ask the driver to pull off to the shoulder of the interstate so I could hop out and do business. Since she already knew, she wasn't terribly worried, it wasn't a big "Wheetsin puked on the way to the airport - she must be sick, I wonder if we'll get sick too" type thing. People just got it.

Oh and not to mention that a co-worker once had to give me a ride for an emergency unfill. I couldn't have explained it then even if I wanted to.

Not that the chances of this happening are high, but if anything ever happens to me and I'm not able to tell medical staff about my band, I'd much rather up the odds that someone with or near me can.

I'm not big on lying, especially to people I give a shite about. So the whole ethics/morality/guilty conscience/tripping up in my own lies isn't even an issue... and not one I'd want to have to deal with.

It's easier to find support when ppl know what's up. Instead of, "Why aren't you eating more?" I get "Let's go here, they have Soup for Wheetsin." Instead of, "What diet are you on?" I get, "Can you tell me your surgeon's name?"

I've referred a bunch of people, and many of them have had the procedure. Being able to help that many people break their cycles of obesity was, in and of itself, enough reason to share.

All of this is IME/IMO of course.

[drkel 0]

I've had my band for 5 years--the only person that knows is my husband and my surgeon. And that's the way it's gonna stay! :mad:

[Sapphire904 1]

I am being banded on March 7th and I have told very few people. My husband is extremely supportive and feels this necessary for my health and well-being. I confided in my manager at work as she will have to be there every day I am gone and a co-worker who has weight issues also and is on her band journey. The one other person I suggested it to started to cry. I just didn't want to handle all that from others. Plus, my sister just had a botched surgery for a totally different reason and almost died. For that reason alone, I cannot tell my family. They are not ready to be put through more worry. Besides, this is not the "easy way out". It will still require hard work and exercise on our part. As others have stated - it is your business and there is nothing wrong with keeping it that way.

[georgia girl 35]

I told everyone as well. Everyone I know, knows I've struggled with losing and gaining for years and I felt very confident in my decision, so I didn't mind telling. My family and friends have been very supportive, for the most part. I totally understand your resistance to tell your in-laws. My in-laws really didn't want me to get the surgery, but it's not their choice. They have gotten to be more supportive as I've lost weight.

I also agree that it's a personal choice. Do what you think is right for you. Good luck in your journey.

[Linda Lu 1]

If you suspect that you won't get the support or that your family has biases agains surgical weight loss, then I wouldn't tell them...in fact, I didn't!

I have heard my parents speak ill of a distant cousin who had gastric bypass and just "knew" that they would pass judgement on me as well. I also have a sister that is a workout fiend who believes strongly in dietary moderation and exercise (if it were only that simple, I wouldn't be fat!). So I chose not to tell them...except for my mom...turns out we were having a "heart to heart" one day and got talking about my diet and exercise efforts and I ended up confiding in her.

I do have to say that my mom has surprised me with her acceptance of it all, but she did need to be educated first...her initial perception was that it was the easy way out and that the magic band makes the pounds melt away (again if it were only that simple, I wouldn't be fat!). She now realizes that the weight I've lost so far is really because of my dieting and exercising (OK, mostly dieting) and has an entirely different view knowing the effort I've had to put forth.

[DeRaco 0]

Thanks everyone for your opinions and support. I'm thinking I might tell my sister, and try feeling out my friends and the rest of my family first. I'd rather have no support than negativism. It's not that I can't handle the critisism, but I've had enough "issues" with my family that I'd rather not add to it. I can be strong on my own if I have to, as far as the surgery and dieting go, but I can't be as strong if I'm constantly being dragged down.

Besides, I'm a bit lucky. I work as a substitute teacher and can take off as much time as I need, plus I work with so many different people and different schools, no one's going to notice a change in my eating habits. The only thing I'll have to do is forgo my weekly Sunday brunch at my mom's for a bit, and avoid dinner at my mother-in-law's like the plague (that won't be such a loss).

Again, thanks so much for your help.

[Maya314 0]

Hi DeRaco,

I struggled with the same dilema, and I guess I still struggle, the only one in my family that knows is my Mom, she knows everything about me and has been really supportive, I told one of my coworkers and I trust that she won't tell anyone, she's actually considering the same thing and would want me to keep her confidence as well, but I've read a similar thread to this one and this is the one thing I took from it and stuck with me and the reason I keep my mouth shut.

Once you've told, you can't untell...

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.