Has anyone ever had an affair?

juliegeraci · February 11, 2008

I need support. I love my husband and we are working things out first of all. He is aware of my affair. My lover lives in NYC and I live in CA. I have known him for over 4 years now. Our affair started about 3 years ago and since then we have remained friends. That is the problem. I know my husband should be my best friend that is why its been so difficult. I haven't spoken to the other man in over a week now. I don't want to have contact anymore but it is very painful for me because we were so close. I would call it an emotional affair as we haven't been intimate for 2 years now. How long did it take you to get completely over your affair? Why is it so difficult?

Jachut · February 12, 2008

There's no easy way to do it. You need to cut ties with him, just like that. Dont speak to him again. The answer is simple, the actual process isnt, but if you really want to work things out with your husband, then that's what you have to do.

I've always felt that if my DH were to have a one night stand, I could forgive that. Sex without emotional involvement is sometimes a temporary lapse of self control and willpower, incredibly selfish, yes, but over and done with.

A long standing affair with emotional attachment, including the deceipt and betrayal required to go behind someone's back to that extent, well that I couldnt forgive.

So, hard as it is for you, you either want to work things out with your husband or you dont. The way I see it, physical intimacy with the other man is irrelevant, its the emotional connection that's the betrayal (and the hard part to give up) You need to go cold turkey and just do it Julie or you may end up losing them both.

babygrl1234 · February 12, 2008

Everything that Jacqui said. If you really value your marriage and love your husband you would be willing to give up all contact with the other man. If you are not willing to do so then you need to reevaluate whether or not you truely want to be in the marriage you are in.

juliegeraci · February 12, 2008

I want to stay married so that is why I decided no contact with my affair. It really nice because he lives in NYC and I'm in CA so no contact is a little easier. Right now I am in a support group and I am going one day at a time. My affair didn't mind me fat nor did my husband. Funny.

Jachut · February 12, 2008

Good luck Julie, its a difficult situation. A support group is a very good idea.

Sunwyse · February 12, 2008

There is an option to monogamy you know. Its called polyamoury. Polyamorous people can have more than one lover at a time. The difference is everyone involved (both lovers, their lovers, etc) all know about each other and are completely ok with it.

There are relationships such as triads, where all 3 people are involved with each other (means at least 2 of them are bisexual) or what's called a 'Vee' where I person has two partners. The two partners know about each other and are friends, but don't have any intimate contact with each other.

Then partners can have partners as well. If you'd like to know more just send me a private message. I'm polyamorous. My partner was mono before he met me but has decided he'd like to try poly as well. It will be interesting to see how he goes.

Michelle