Guilt?

jewelee · February 9, 2008

I'm going to pour this out and then ask for advice.

My friend and I have struggled to lose weight together for ages. We both did very well with weight watchers, then both got pregnant. After our pregnancies, we both gained a lot of weight.

I mentioned to her right after I scheduled my surgery that I was thinking about it, and she gave me a list of about 75 reasons why it was a bad idea. So, I never told her that I had surgery. Now I've lost about 29 lbs in about two months, and I'm feeling so guilty. I feel like I CAN'T go back now and tell her "oh hey, you know that surgery thing I mentioned? I did it two months ago and it's working great for me." I'm actually feeling guilty for losing weight when she is struggling so much with it.

So should I talk to her? Or let it go and just get over my guilt? Or just be happy to finally be losing some? I wish I had just told her not that I was thinking about it, but that I was doing it. :thumbup: WWYD?

blahblahblah · February 9, 2008

What I would do...wait until she asks and then say you had surgery...when she asks why you ddn't tell her...list off the 75 reasons she said and tell her you weren't in a position to deal with a conflict over it...

Or..don't tell her at all. Why does she have to know?

Congrats on your weight loss..that's awesome!

Rain

OH Juli · February 9, 2008

The only thing that a reasonable friend might feel badly about is the fact you couldn't trust her to tell her your plans.

Friendships shouldn't hurt or induce gulit. I'm sorry there's something in the way of fully expressing yourself with your pal.

kacee · February 10, 2008

I agree. I'd say don't mention anything unless she asks and then tell her you got the band and when she asks why you didn't tell her reiterate what she told you before. If you don't bring it up then she can't feel like you are "rubbing it in" or anything. She may or may not say anything for a while. It's going to get pretty obvious pretty quickly though.

Randi · February 10, 2008

I vote for wait 'til she asks, then at that moment it will be your decision if and when you'll tell her. The reason I say "if or when" is because you may be in a group of people when the question is finally asked and the question may not be asked by your friend.

I think it's possible that your friend was able to come up with 75 reasons not to have weight loss surgery because she, at some point, considered the surgery herself and used those very same reasons to talk herself out of it. So, she could have been just projecting her feelings about the surgery onto you. Also, there are still a lot of people who don't understand the fundamental differences between the gastric bypass or a similar procedure and the lapband.

However and whenever you decide to address this issue to your friend you definitely know her better than any us ever could. If you're a very private person and you share this information with her, will she keep your confidence? Or, will she be angry that you didn't tell her and turn vindictive telling anyone and everyone who will listen?

HarleyNana · February 10, 2008

You said she's a friend, does that mean a good friend, or an aquaintenance? If she's a good friend, then I'd have to tell her and ask her to be happy for you and explain why you kept the truth from her, so as not to hurt her feelings.

Then give her a hug and tell her to get on the band wagon!

Danikagold · February 11, 2008

First I wouldn't feel guilty. Wait until she asks "What are you doing to lose?" and tell her you had the surgery.

I used to constantly feel guilty everytime I saw someone heavier than me becuase it was as if they needed the surgery more than me. Then I realized I have worked hard and will continue to work hard for it. The only way I have found to escape the guilt is to give something back and that is when people ask about the surgery or weight loss is to offer all of my knowledge as my gift to them. What they do with it is up to them.

Well, this is my plan anywho. Maybe this is all you can do for your friend. Wait until she has let down her walls and reaches out for help and then give her help by telling her what is possible.

Best of luck.