I need support, but mom wont let me have it

[IndioGirl55 32]

I have a problem. I am getting the band on monday, and my mom doesnt want me to tell anyone about it, no family, no friends~ no one!

She has told me that she feels like a bad parent for "letting me get this way" but i dont see it that way at all. i have medical issues that cause me to be overweight, and my friends know that, and know they cant know i am going to be healthy. my mom says i can tell people after i get surgery, but i need support NOW!

I understand what my mom wants, but i need support in my friends.....what should i do?

Maddy -

What are your medical issues to be overweight? If you have medical issues how is the band going to address these issues - Who is paying for this surgery - I take it you still live at home ...

This is a hard one - you have been feeding yourself for a long time now - it's not your Mom's fault - My Mom always had me on a diet - I would sneek food - so how would that be my mom's fault -

You are 19 - imho it's up to you who you want to tell and not tell - but like others have already told you - some people look at this as the easy way out - it's not cuz in order to be successfull - it you who is going to have to control the foods you eat after being banded - it's you who has to go out and exercise - I am lucky that my friends and co-workers see me eat lunch every day - I eat healthy they no I go to the gym every day -

It's a totally personal choice - I really can't tell you want to do - it's all up to you - Maybe you need to sit and talk to your mom - tell her this isn't about her it's about you..

My best to you..

[LauraD 2]

Maddy, my suggestion is to pick one or two people you are close to, who you can trust, and tell them. You are going to make major changes in your life, and it's going to be hard enough without some kind of support, other than this community. Frankly, your mom doesn't sound like she's very supportive.

There are going to be times when you are frustrated, angry, or depressed, and you need someone to talk to. There will be times when you need to Celebrate another milestone, and it's not as much fun to Celebrate alone. Think of yourself as a race car; aren't you better off with a pit crew than you would be without one?

I'm sympathetic to your mom's feelings, but you are an adult now. This is your decision to make. I think you can handle it in a way that both allows you some personal support, and honors her need for some privacy. I think you might also want to ask her how long she expects it to be kept a secret. If the answer is forever, then that is a whole different conversation.

[la8again 0]

Well, I dont want you to feel like I am being pushy, but I have to say I am 22 years old. And there isn't any way that I would let my mom be so controling (granted she is dead now, but if she were alive) you are a legal adult. If you feel like you need support then you need to seek that out. I am not saying to tell everyone. But you should tell your closest friend or maybe even two. I understand the thing about respecting your mom and I completely agree that you should respect her. I just think that she should respect you also in the fact that you need someone for support besides her. Telling your best is just natural, also your friend would proably be very upset if she found out latter that you didn't tell her. I have chosen to tell some people and others will not ever know. Just like all of my family knows (very small family, dad, 2 sisters, and a grandfather) and they are very supportive, but I DO NOT want any of my inlaws knowing. They are stuck up a$$ holes and would be very mean about if. I also have told 3 or 4 of my closest friends, but I do not plan on telling anyone else. They can just think that I am on a really good diet. I really hope that this helps coming from someone so close to your age.

[maddymoo 0]

Maddy -

What are your medical issues to be overweight? If you have medical issues how is the band going to address these issues - Who is paying for this surgery - I take it you still live at home ...

This is a hard one - you have been feeding yourself for a long time now - it's not your Mom's fault - My Mom always had me on a diet - I would sneek food - so how would that be my mom's fault -

You are 19 - imho it's up to you who you want to tell and not tell - but like others have already told you - some people look at this as the easy way out - it's not cuz in order to be successfull - it you who is going to have to control the foods you eat after being banded - it's you who has to go out and exercise - I am lucky that my friends and co-workers see me eat lunch every day - I eat healthy they no I go to the gym every day -

It's a totally personal choice - I really can't tell you want to do - it's all up to you - Maybe you need to sit and talk to your mom - tell her this isn't about her it's about you..

My best to you..

i was diagnosed with polysistic ovarian syndrome. the year i got my period, i gained 80 lbs, - and it wasnt from food. my doctor says that there are cysts on my ovaries when are controlling my hormones, etc. when i lose weight, the doctor can do an operation to remove the cysts, but i cant lose weight on my own b/c of the PCOS. I was on a year program monitored by the Universeity of Michigan- to study PCOS- with strict diet and excercise- and i can proudly say i didnt cheat- i had only lost 11lbs. granted after i saw that i wasnt losing weight i kinda gave up trying, and made it worse. but if i never had those cysts i would keep a healthy weight, thats why my insurance approved me for this surgery while i am only 19. yea, i still live at home.

i do respect my mom, and i am trying to understand her feelings too

[timeforme 0]

ok Darlin, I am a mother of three grown daughters, and you are nineteen?

Almost grown but definately an adult. Your mom should have helped you when you were younger yes, but you chose to bring the food to your lips. As a grown up you can chose to get support and feel safe, and your Mom is a grown up as well and she needs to deal with the fact that you need help and getting this surgery is what you need. There is nothing to be ashamed of because you are getting the band. This is not an easy thing to go thru, in fact this is harder work than you will ever imagine and For GODS sake you need support, find other folks who have had the surgery, ie, SUPPORT GROUPS, reach out and dont be afraid to ask. Your Mom sound embarrased and you know what? This is not about her its about you so do as you need to do because if you dont get support this is going to be more difficult that it needs to be. You fly sweetheart, you get the help you need and dont suffer ok? Im praying for you, that you find the strength to fight the fight of your life. And I know what Im talking about, one, I am in the same war, and two, Ive raised three beautiful daughters and its time for you to do things your way,

[soriminah 0]

I have told 2 people - my sister who was banded 4 years ago, and a friend who is being banded shortly.

I have only chosen to tell 2 people because once you start telling people, you will be under a microscope. There are people who will wait to see you fail and then rub your nose in it given the chance or tell you you're a cheat, took the easy option etc etc. It's not a nice prospect but there are a lot of people in the world who are not nice people. :thumbup:

Yes you are an adult and it's your choice to tell who you like, but Mother's do try and protect their children. They don't like to see you hurt from other people's nastiness. Maybe she's trying to protect you.

How much support do you think you'll need? If your immediate family knows, who else do you want to know and why? Are you scared that if everyone doesn't know that you will fail - that they will help you keep on track? If you think about these questions, it'll help you evaluate who to tell and who not to tell because there will be people hoping and waiting to see you fail.

I'm just going to wait for people to start to notice changes. Even then I probably won't tell most people how I did it.They'll just have to admire my hot new body:tongue_smilie: and keep wondering. :confused2:

[Linda Lu 1]

This is about you...but your mother has a role in this as well since she knows and you live at home etc. You must make your own decision...but communicate with your mom so that she knows that you respect her wishes even though you disagree with them and have made your choice to tell someone (if that's what you choose).

Having said that, I agree with the others who caution you about telling a lot of people. It can be hard to keep it to yourself, but it really allows you to go on this journey at your own pace and not under scrutiny. It is true that people really don't understand and do consider weight loss surgery "the easy way out" despite the fact that we're all dieting and exercising (NOT EASY!).

Do what you need to do; but think it through and be aware of the consequences of your choice. That is what it means to be an adult.

Good luck!

[cookks 0]

I told EVERYONE. My theory is that I need accountability. I think just knowing that everyone is watching me will help me stay on track. I really hope I'm right about this. I quit smoking and drinking the same way (10 years ago/smoking-2 years ago-drinking) and it works for me. If I keep it as my little secret, I have no one to "own up" to and keep me accountable.

[annielkd 0]

I can understand her not wanting you to tell... why do you feel you need to tell people? Is it because you need to discuss the surgery? No one who hasn't had the surgery is going to be understanding of what you are going through. What about group support through your doctor? Mine has many meetings available... why don't you call him/her? Also, you can use this as a great support. I would value her feelings... then talk to her about your needs.