I need support, but mom wont let me have it

[maddymoo 0]

I have a problem. I am getting the band on monday, and my mom doesnt want me to tell anyone about it, no family, no friends~ no one!

She has told me that she feels like a bad parent for "letting me get this way" but i dont see it that way at all. i have medical issues that cause me to be overweight, and my friends know that, and know they cant know i am going to be healthy. my mom says i can tell people after i get surgery, but i need support NOW!

I understand what my mom wants, but i need support in my friends.....what should i do?

[travelgirl 3]

Mom might have her own motives for not wanting anyone to know, and ultimately, I think it's your decision who you tell, and who you don't.

I will say from experience, though that I told EVERYBODY about my surgery, and now I regret telling some of them. You'll face a lot of scrutiny afterwards, and that can be irritating to say the least. I plateaued after 6 months, and have held steady there since then. This is due to my own bad habits, and I'm fully aware of what needs to change in order to break this plateau. That being said, my hubby had someone ask him recently behind my back if my surgery didn't work.

This made me angry because I don't feel like a failure at all. I mean, my diabetes is under GOOD control WITHOUT meds, my previously high blood pressure is completely normal now, and my high cholesterol isn't high anymore. That alone makes me feel successful, even if I don't lose any more weight.

Just be aware of how people will react, and that they'll be watching your progress very carefully. Some people will be pulling for you, and others will be waiting for it to fail, just like everything else.

Keep us posted on how you're doing, and I'll keep you in my prayers on Monday.

Happy banding!

[maddymoo 0]

Why would people be that way? why would they want me to fail? If i knew someone who got banded i would be rooting for them all the way~ i would NEVER tear anyone down. this frustrates me

[Leena 108]

I'm assuming you're very young if your mother "feels like a failure" due to your weight. You might want to ask her why she feels this way.

I would say get support where you need to get it from. I had wonderful support from one of my friends and I've had a few friends pretty much disown me because of it. I've had the "easy way out" comments, plastic surgery ones, pretty much everything under the sun. Just be ready for some off the wall comments and unsupportive things. I think one of the blessings from this surgery was to see who my real friends really are.

[maddymoo 0]

yea, i am only 19

[travelgirl 3]

Well, it's not that they WANT you to fail, but a lot of people out there think that this is the "easy way out" and take some sort of sick satisfaction from seeing it fail. And your idea of failure may be galaxies from their idea of failure. Believe me, it frustrates all of us.

None of my friends have acted this way, but I do have a brother-in-law who feels absolutely COMPELLED to ask me every single time he sees me, which is every few months, "So, how much weight have you lost now?" This past weekend when he saw me and asked, I was a bit rude and answered that I'd lost enough.:regular_smile:

[twirl 0]

the people will notice how you are eating so much less

tell them and be proud of yourself

[mrsgriffin2u 1]

Hi there. I am young as well, 23, and I understand what you're going through. My mom actually loves that I'm getting the surgery, but my sister, dad, husband, and several friends are against it. It's either the easy way out or too dangeous because of surgery.

They don't unerstand. I can tell you now that I've told EVERYONE, I wish I had exercised some restraint. I wish I hadn't told many people and had dealt with it more privately. It's ultimately your decision. My dad is very overweight and does feel guilty for (in his mind) letting me get this way. So I understand what your mom is going through. She also needs to understand that you need support.

I'm deathly afraid of failing after this surgery and that's partly why I wish now that I hadn't told many people. I would confide in a few good friends and/or family members for additional support. Just talk to your mom and explain your need to discuss with those close to you. She surely will understand, atleast somewhat, why you need support.

Good luck!

[shortgal 5]

If your surgery is Monday then surely you can hold off telling people for a little while. You might want to tell people as they notice you've lost some weight, how you lost the weight.

The lapband journey can be one of ups and downs as you'll read here and some of us wish we hadn't told as many people as we have.

The questions about how much we lost, watching everything we eat, etc. We have enough to go through without added pressure from well meaning friends.

There will be plenty of time after the surgery to slowly decide who to tell and who not to tell. Good Luck Monday!

[juliegeraci 7]

I would lean on your friends at this stage. It will be really healthy for you.

[ssdown 0]

I am not banded yet, but have confided to a select few friends and family what my plans are. I don't want to be scrutinized by everyone, and don't want to report to everyone I know what my progress is, how much I've lost, or why haven't I lost more weight. It's none of their business. Since I've started cutting back on my food intake in preparation for the lap band procedure, my co-workers have noticed. They are also curious about my extra medical appointments. I just tell them I'm trying to loose weight and leave it at that. I also told them that I am having a "female" operation and will be out of work for about two weeks. I suppose it isn't exactly honest, but I am "female" and I am having an operation!

[NikkiD 0]

Maddy you need to do what is best for you and only you can decide that. A true friend will not judge they will stand beside you. Your mom needs to understand this isn't about her. It's about you so you do what is necessary to get you through it.

[SaraDubya 0]

My mom is in full support of me getting banded, while my dad and brother are against it. It sucks that I dont have their support right now, but it is something that will not affect my journey. It is SO hard to not tell anyone about the changes in your life right now. Lap Band is constantly on my mind and sometimes I feel if I dont saying anything I will explode.

[VegasGrace 1]

You aren't going to want to hear this...

Listen to your mother. You can't go wrong by doing so because you are promised if you obey your mom...you will be ultimately protected.

And yes, it is her fault you are overweight. She should have done something when you were just 5lbs overweight. Wether that be intervention w/ doctors or whatever.

But that doesn't mean she was a bad mother. I have a daughter who is overweight at 12...and yes, I am fully responsible. And on the flipside, my being banded has helped me get a grip and change my lifestyle. And since the lifestyle of the family is usually the same as the lifestyle of the mother....well, you can see how now my 12 year old is losing like a pound every two months. Not much but it's something and at least it's no gaining anymore.

Love your mom. Do what she says about this surgery and don't mention it to anyone. Your family should be your source of strength right now. If you have a best friend...your mom knows of...ask your mom if it's okay to tell that one person.

Good luck and keep us posted.

[maddymoo 0]

You aren't going to want to hear this...

Listen to your mother. You can't go wrong by doing so because you are promised if you obey your mom...you will be ultimately protected.

And yes, it is her fault you are overweight. She should have done something when you were just 5lbs overweight. Wether that be intervention w/ doctors or whatever.

But that doesn't mean she was a bad mother. I have a daughter who is overweight at 12...and yes, I am fully responsible. And on the flipside, my being banded has helped me get a grip and change my lifestyle. And since the lifestyle of the family is usually the same as the lifestyle of the mother....well, you can see how now my 12 year old is losing like a pound every two months. Not much but it's something and at least it's no gaining anymore.

Love your mom. Do what she says about this surgery and don't mention it to anyone. Your family should be your source of strength right now. If you have a best friend...your mom knows of...ask your mom if it's okay to tell that one person.

Good luck and keep us posted.

*****I know....you are right. my mom does feel aweful, but, i do need to give her some respect about keeping things on the low. i need to remember that is is hard for her too. thanks for listening!*****