Anyone ever afraid people will treat you different when you're not overweight?

[vessa 1]

So, I was fat once, an then I was skinny, really skinny, and now I am chubbier than ever (but working on it, yea).

One thing I really despised when I got skinny, was that the funny smart girl all my friends loved, suddenly became eye candy and dumb slut.

The guys drooled on my boobs and hit on me, and the women friends, like 90% of them were so mean and catty!

And I swear to high heaven, I wasn't a bimbo, I didn't dress sleazy, I recall acting exactly the same as I ever have.

Even when I met my husband, his buddies were offensive to me, and woul piss him off.

Perhaps it is just the hillbilly-ville I lived in, or that I overcompensated with humor when I was chubby. Perhaps my weight now is directly related to those icky feelings and vibes.

I'm a very happy wife, and a loving mom now, grown up from all that, but it lingers. I was and am respected for my insight and humor.

But it bothers me alot, and my husband also, for me to get ogled. I swear, I not vain, far from it, I just don't know how to deal with onlookers, or catty, insecure women. And I know that alot of people mean no harm, and it's on me too.

I've always been overweight, except for that brief interlude, and to be honest with you all, i felt like a dumb, trashy, sex object.

How should I come to terms with this? Has anyone else ever had this experience, how did you deal?

[steph_co 9]

I am afraid people will treat me differently. There's a girl that I deal with at my work that used to be real talkative to me and since she heard from my DH that I was losing weight, when I've seen her in person, she'll barely look at me. :party: I don't get it. I was a buddy before and now I'm scum, or something. I act exactly the same, I say hi to her and she'll look right past me to my husband and say hello. I have noticed girls are a little colder to me now which is really strange because honestly, I didn't expect it.

I have also noticed that guys are nicer, I wasn't expecting that, either. But I mean even the ones that know I'm married and there isn't any chance in hell of something happening between us...they want to sit and talk with me. WTH? It must be a societal thing. I lost a bunch of weight when I was in my senior year of HS, but I don't remember this kind of a change in people. Of course, I am a bit more outgoing now than I was then (I think I was scared that my own shadow would notice me), so maybe that's why. And no - I don't act any differently now than I did 45 lbs ago.

[bradleybanana 1]

I think that's one of my biggest fears as well...Like Vessa, I think I use humor to cover my size, but I don't want to be described as the big girl, the heavy set girl any more. But with the weight loss I'm hoping that i'm not some other deragotry name and just the one with the "funny voice" (my voice is rather high pitched) or the one that has a nice smile, or the one that knows what the hell she's talking about! I'm really afraid that my bosses will look at me different and kind of put me down for the weight loss, b/c she was always the "hot" one where I work. Only time will tell what happens when the weight really starts coming off...I'm not banded yet, but I hope to be during this summer.

[sadie11 2]

Hello girls-

I am so glad to be 58 and all these situations you describe are no longer an issue! My 20's were my worse decade- you will be a whole different person as you age- it is so wonderful to leave the 20's and 30's behind.

In my advanced wisdom, here are basic truths I have learned:

1. Be who you are and demand respect with your actions and your words, not your body.

2. Dress as you like but if you have your boobs hanging out, people will look and judge you negatively. Accept it or cover up.

3. Men love to look but have a culture that demeans women who uncover themselves. They like the chase, ladies, make sure there is still some candy for the guy who catches you.

4. I have been loved as a fat woman and as a skinny one. It has not made one bit of difference. I just had more to choose from when I was thinner. The quality suffered however. Quality is always hard to find.

5. Keep quality friends who truly love you no matter what your size.

6. Learn to give true love to your friends, family, spouse and yourself. No judging/ no criticisms. Ever. Always be very kind to those you love you.

7. Always be gracious when someone is being mean and walk away with your head high without lowering yourself to their standard.

Enough from the old lady - Love and success to you all- and remember the 50's are the best decade of your life in my opinion- you have a lot to look forward to.

XXXOOOO

Sadie

[OH Juli 15]

Well, you can't change the world, you can only change yourself or your perception. Make peace with the fact that some men only see women as sex object and some women see other women as competition.

That's their problem and not yours.

I challenge every person to find a simple one word descriptor to define yourself and that you want other people to think about you. Mine is "smart". I've heard "fair, just, spunky" amoung others adjectives. Then in simple conversation you call yourself that. "Like this is a tough situation, I'm a fair person and find equity for both people is my goal." Or "I'm a smart woman, but this has me scratching my head."

Before you know it people will think of you and describe you as whatever you tell them you are.

I'm no smarter than the next girl with a slightly above average IQ, but ask my peers and they'll tell you I'm brilliant.

Oh, and one more thing pick a word that doesn't describe your physicallity. Our bodies change but we are intrinsically the same inside. I can weigh 300 pounds or 125, but I'll always have my intelligence.

[wombat712 2]

What a great topic!

I've noticed that the older people I'm around always recognize and acknowledge my weight loss.

Those that are my age or younger - I think they would have to lose teeth before they would make a positive comment out loud.

Who I am has not changed. I work just as hard as I did before and I was well respected at my job. That hasn't changed that I can tell.

There are some people who like having a fat friend because it makes them look better. If they are out together the men would naturally go for the thinner girl.

I don't plan on dressing any different either. I do wear clothes that are more fitted but there's no cleavage hanging out or thong peeks happening in the back (ewwwww - doesn't matter how skinny you are - that's just gross!!)

I demand that my family let me know if they ever think that I am trying to dress too young and to NEVER let me out of the house looking like a hoochie!!!!

wombat

[Marimaru 7]

I have (had?) a friend who was my best friend in high school and for a couple of years after. I moved an inconvenient distance away and we didn't see each other much, but still kept each other posted with what's going on. Every since I've been banded, I've heard from her even less. Most recently she didn't even tell me personally that her cancer had rebounded, I had to find it out through her blog. My mom said it was because her and I were 2 fat chicks together, and my doing something about it said to her that it's "not okay".

Other than that, guys have looked at me more, which is weird. The only attention I got from guys before was being laughed at or whatever, so this is different. Women don't really treat me differently yet, if they're going to, but I'm not "skinny" by any means.

[ParaGirl 71]

In our society, overweight people are often ignored. It is like we aren't even there! I have noticed that people look at me more now that I am a somewhat normal size. It is sad, but it happens. We just have to be able to weed out the bad apples who only see us for what we look like, not who we are on the inside.

[jjsmiles 3]

I have to say what a great thread and what great words of advice so far! Sadie - I am inspired by your confidence and generosity of spirit.

I have always said that whether it be a blessing or a curse, I have always felt "well treated" by those surrounding me. That is not to say that I opened myself up for other kind of treatment though. I think Julie did a great job of verbalizing something I always did - made sure people could describe me in such a concrete way that my weight became somewhat secondary (not in the romance category - but that is totally different).

As a kid I was alway's the "nicest" person around. I was always friendly and approachable and kind towards everyone and that worked very well. As a professional today I am known as ethical, competent and smart. In my field, all very good words to be known by. I think that for many years I have not let myself think of myself as anything other than nice, competent, ethical and smart.

So far, what I have really noticed is the change in me and my self- confidence. I don't think I will ever turn into "super bitch", but I actually see myself a little clearer now (I don't think I have actually "looked" in a mirror for at least 20 years) and don't always define myself as the mask of nice and smart anymore.

People around me have been very supportive (although sometimes their version of support makes me laugh and shake my head). In the last month, I have seen a lot of colleagues (and I work mostly with women) that I hadn't seen in the last year, and I have never heard so many compliments in my life!! I know that I don't want to define myself by my weight, but I have to tell you that I do feel much more confident and the outside validation doesn't hurt.

In the past, if someone told me I looked good, I know that I would always find a way to deflect or detract (I bought the outfit on sale, I've owned this outfit for 20 years) and I am trying to stop that and just smile and say "thank you".

Because I am more confident now, I am noticing that I am looking people (and in that I mean men) more in the eye and they are responding in kind and while it scares me - it also is very exciting.

I really think that people treating me differently has a lot to do with how I am looking at myself and how I project myself in the world. I know that there are people who may struggle with my weight loss, and if they are important to me I will have to think about how I can help them, but on the other hand, I am still me and I have to be true to the me that is right here and right now.

I think this journey is one of the greatest of my life, to date, and I want to embrace it and take the people I care about with me. I do recognize though that I may not be able to drag them with me and I may have to set some people free as our paths diverge.

[OH Juli 15]

JJ, great post.

I'm inspired by you.

[make33 2]

The one thing I know for sure and I hope I never forget: all the people who suddenly think I have a brain (hello, I've HAD one) and treat me with more respect than they ever did--Lord, let me never forget how very shallow they really are!

Yes, I'll still be cordial to them--but deep down I know they are "fatists". What a shame that all people aren't treated alike.

Well, it's our gain and their loss... ! (Getting off my soapbox now, people!) :smile:

[jjsmiles 3]

Thank you Juli.

I know that I keep lurking and reading through this forum because I get inspired by all sorts of people here (including you - I really appreciate your straight forward approach to life).

[vessa 1]

All this inspiring, kind words. I read my post, and i think, geez, i was kinda raunchy in my words (i apologize for that, it not my usual style) but i was using words that I was called or parts refered to...knowing that there is other women that have dealt with this is definitely a comfort. One of the hardest parts of the unwanted attention was questioning whether it was my fault, if I had invited it, or not. Thanks everybody.

[Jachut 487]

In general no. But I am treated differently and with a lot more respect than I was when I was heavier, which is disappointing. But to be honest, I understand it, I make assumptions about people too based on all sorts of things, weight included and I might be treated differently if I were blonde versus brunette or if I dressed differently. So I dont let that sort of thing worry me.

Where it really disappoints is here. Yet again, I have been insulted for having been so presumptuous as to lose all my weight, maintain my loss and actually venture an opinion as to how one should go about achieving that. Nuff said. Like I somehow do not have admission to the fraternity becuase I'm no longer fat therefore how could I possibly understand what its like?

[Terrisioux 0]

Well, you can't change the world, you can only change yourself or your perception. Make peace with the fact that some men only see women as sex object and some women see other women as competition.

That's their problem and not yours.

I challenge every person to find a simple one word descriptor to define yourself and that you want other people to think about you. Mine is "smart". I've heard "fair, just, spunky" amoung others adjectives. Then in simple conversation you call yourself that. "Like this is a tough situation, I'm a fair person and find equity for both people is my goal." Or "I'm a smart woman, but this has me scratching my head."

Before you know it people will think of you and describe you as whatever you tell them you are.

I'm no smarter than the next girl with a slightly above average IQ, but ask my peers and they'll tell you I'm brilliant.

Oh, and one more thing pick a word that doesn't describe your physicallity. Our bodies change but we are intrinsically the same inside. I can weigh 300 pounds or 125, but I'll always have my intelligence.

Juli, I really liked your reply. I have been worried about this very issue. My lap band surgery will be March 3, 2008 and I find I am really starting to worry about all sorts of things. Just pre-surgery cold feet (esphogus) I guess. However, I am now going to start doing what you said you do in your reply. I've learned in my 43 years, 26 of them being overweight, that some people do judge a book by it's cover. I have also learned that the power of suggestion works!!! Thanks Juli for your inspirational words, even though they were spoken to someone else. : )