Why are YOU Fat?

[Fanny Adams 7]

Tracey it has to do with control. When you have people pushing at you, it is easy to quietly rebel and do something that makes you feel that you have control. I've been known to do it too.

Sometimes I believe that suicidal people choose to commit suicide to prove to themselves that they can control their destiny. No, I don't think there's anything healthy about it, but having the feeling that you are controlled by others is very frustrating.

I know what you mean regarding control. I think that was a significant factor in my weight gain. When I got married at age 23, I was slim and fit - @125lb, 38-23-34. I made the mistake of marrying a man I didn't know as well as I thought I did and he turned out to be an incredible control freak as well as a violent drunk (he's now an EX ). Our lifestyle changed drastically after the wedding (no more going out dancing all night, full meals every night, etc) and I started to gain a little weight.

He used to berate and belittle me every time I ate, so of course I rebelled by eating more and even sneaking food when he wasn't watching. Within a few years, I had gained about 20-30lb and his favourite refrain when slapping me about was "You FAT UGLY PIG!!" (This was at about 140lb!)

With my self-esteem crushed, I turned to food for comfort (yeah I know, lots of other issues there, but that was significant). By the time I got out of the marriage 8 years later, I was about 160lb - overweight but not huge.

I can clearly remember the first four years of being single again, when I did things like hang out in the refrigerator at night saying things like "Haha! Watch me eat this!! You can't stop me now!!" I deliberately put on the fat suit, partly because of that "defiance" aspect and partly because I wanted to keep men away - both were desperate attempts at taking a measure of control in my life. By the end of 4 years of single life, I had put on another 60lb and was around 220lb.

At that stage, I sought therapy for my issues with self-esteem, the marriage and how I had managed to get myself into that situation. The therapy helped a lot and I really came to terms with who I was and how I had arrived there, but unfortunately the fat suit wasn't as easy to take off as it was to put on. Since then, I went through various stages of dieting and failure, and thinking I had accepted the weight and settled for being a "fat person" forever. I slowly yo-yoed my way up another 55lb until I hit my all time high of 275lb last year (15 years post-marriage).

Now that I have made the change and been banded, I realise that I had never really accepted it and I am now finding comfort in having the control to be able to take the weight off. I'm looking forward to finding the "real me" under this fat suit.

[BJean 16]

Fanny that's an awesome story. Way too common, especially for women, and I appreciate you sharing it with us. I congratulate you for going through all the work and soul-searching to try to figure out why you used food as you did. It isn't an easy path!

You seem to be doing very well with the Band and I wish you the very best on your road to physical health. It sounds like you have the emotional part targeted and homed in on. Yay! :redface:

[KelinTx 1]

I am fat because im a food ADDICT....ahhh its so liberating to admit that!

[vessa 1]

I am fat because I started eating instead of feeling feelings.

[gummykandi 20]

Because I ate to spite my dad...

[tchrshelli 0]

I am fat for many reasons. Now, as an adult I accept responsibility for my weight problem and realize it is about control, which I have little of. This problem started in early elementary years for me. My mother was obsessed about my weight and the way I looked. She emotionally and at times phisically abused me with food. It was a reward and a punishment. She controlled the amount of food that I ate. I became obsessed with food, how I was going to eat it, how I was going to get it, how much I was going to eat, and in secret from my mom ( I didn't and don't have a problem eating in front of others). If she didn't know I was eating it, then I wasn't really eating it (severe denial that I still deal with today). I couldn't enjoy going to a friends house, I could only concern myself with what I was going to eat and how much I could get of it because my mom wasn't there to notice. Getting a car in highschool became a huge problem for me. I could eat it in my car and get rid of the evidence and then go home and eat again so my mom wouldn't know that I had just eaten. The sick things that she said to me that made me feel ashamed, unloved and unworthy are now things that I say to myself. I have been aware of this problem, and I am working on it, but it is a slow path to recovery. I am glad that I took the time to put this out there. I know I am only as sick as my secrets. This isn't a secret anymore.

[JSOTO 0]

ok kiddo, you brought tears to my eyes. You didnt need the soul searching, your mom does. but i think mothers loved us so much, they knew what a weight problem would cause us, growing up.maybe it was first hand experiencede, and thru their love, they wanted to prevent us from going thru the same things they did. My beautiful mother passed away, i never ever got over her death, i still havent, i turned to food, to help me thru my life...now it is time i help myself in a different way. I am on a journey, alone, and i have to clear my head and set myself up for success. I will not blame my past , on my future..it is fresh and new, and im excited to go down this path. we can all do it, and we have to do it for ourselves!!!! even if it is sometimes a lonely journey. Bless your heart, you went thru a lot, but try hard to put it behind you, and move forward you will always be a daughter, but now a healthy one!!! You are on your way, good luck, we are all here, someway connected and giving each other super-support!

take good care

juli

[desertmom 297]

I am fat because I can never get enough food.I can litterally eat and eat and eat and eat.I mostly ate at night.....The band didnt change any of this because it is too tight in the morning and no restriction at night.

[tchrshelli 0]

Thank you for your words of encouragement...

[chell1957 2]

I am fat because I can never get enough food.I can litterally eat and eat and eat and eat.I mostly ate at night.....The band didnt change any of this because it is too tight in the morning and no restriction at night.

<TABLE cellSpacing=6 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD noWrap><!-- google_ad_section_start(weight=ignore) -->desertmom<!-- google_ad_section_end --> <SCRIPT type=text/javascript> vbmenu_register("postmenu_703528", true); </SCRIPT>

</TD><TD width="100%">=== If I may I have a question or 2 to ask...now that U are banded, have U lost weight? How do U cope with this issue? I see a bit of my self in your statement. If the band is not working for you on this issue, what did u do, if anything to get past this problem? Thanks for the understanding in my asking the question. Chell </TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

[desertmom 297]

hi

I regain and diet and regain and diet...like I always did before.Now the only problem is I constantly worry about what am I going to do when I get older...I am considering the sleeve (first part of DS)

You are much lighter to start with so I think the band might have a different effect...I have noticed that it does seem to work a lot better for lowe BMI patients than for high BMI patients.

Good luck

[Blund 0]

Regarding yesterday's posts....isn't it rediculous that you have to take a class and get a license to drive a CAR, but ANYONE fertile can become a parent?!!! I was brought up with 2 older brothers and we were like a pack of wolves at the dinner table! If I didn't gobble stuff down, I didnt get anything to eat! And being southern, we were praised for cleaning our plates. The reward being....you guessed it....SECONDS! I often wonder exactly when (& what)started my overeating. I learned at a young age to "stuff" my feelings. (Anyone have older brothers who constantly tormented you?) I suppose that was easy to convert into "eating" my feelings. I don't want my kids to have food issues. I already have to distract them from eating cuz their bored once in a while. I know that I'm not as cold as my my was, but what kind of example am I showing them about food?

[sadie11 2]

Desert mom- I was so encouraged by your comment that lower BMI folks seem to do better- my BMI is 38 and I realized I am starving (ha!) for encouragement. Thanks

The topic is compelling for sure. The stories are heartbreaking to read. We have all suffered so much! It is overwhelming to read these stories.

I of course, have a sad story too. Mother died when I was 3 and I was on my own. My father was chronically depressed and was just unavailable. I got myself up for school, made my Breakfast, walked to school, came home for lunch, made my lunch if there was any food. and walked back to school. All this in kindergarden!

I do not remember adults speaking to me during my whole childhood. It is all a fog to me. All very sad and dark.

I have surrounded myself with wonderful loving people in my adult life. I have been very successful and reached every goal I ever had except for controlling my weight. I am hoping the band will give me the edge I need.

I realize my childhood will always be dark and sad. I will always miss my mother every day of my life. That emptiness will always be there no matter how much i eat. I cannot have a happy childhood but i can have a wonderful adulthood and for the most part, I have a had a wonderful life.

I am blessed with a wonderful loving partner who treats me like a queen and friends who love me and want to be with me. It has not been without struggle.

I am off to Hawaii and then back for my band. I am hoping this final problem of weight will be solved with this tool.

Love to you all

Sadie

[valstar 0]

Sadie and Juli,

I can really relate to both of your comments. my mom died a few years ago and I have had a hard time getting over it. I, too, turned to food. Through counseling I realized why all of a sudden at 10:00 PM I was starving. That was the time I would settle down and call my mother to talk about my day, the kids, the job, etc. Shewas my sounding board and when she was gone, all the feelings and junk that I processed and released with her were just there inside of me, so I put a blanket of food over them. I was always heavey but this certainly didn't help.

I like what you said about helping myself in a different way now. Now is the time to take control and move forward. My 12 year old made a sign for her locker that says "The past is carved in slate, you can't erase it. If you could, you'd have nothing. Learn from the past and carve more into your present." God Bless her. I'm carving hope, light and forgiveness into my present.

Good luck all!

[Sunwyse 1]

I have a couple of reasons for being fat. As a child I was very scrawny. When puberty hit so did the weight. I didn't know at the time, but my eating as a response to hormonal changes was due to sexual abuse when I was very young. Then at 13 I also developed PCOS which didn't cause the weight gain, but did keep on what I was putting on and made it almost impossible to lose it again.

Also at 13 I developed Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) which again didn't cause me to be fat but made it so hard to eat sensibly or exercise in winter.

I had a lot of emotional pain and rage that I felt I had to stuff down my throat with food because my own home wasn't a safe place to express them. Later on, what added to the weight problem was all the crash dieting I did. My first diet attempt was starvation. I was borderline anorexic at 15 (before they had a name for it) but brought myself out of it before it became an issue. After that I tried just about every crazy diet going.