Why are YOU Fat?

[reqgoddess 0]

DynamoMini,

Thank you for those kind words. I try not to,blame myself but I will state that the choices were mine, even though I may have had reasons. It helps me to "move on" as i am trying hard to to dwell in past. Funny thing to say after I just wrote my life story here on the forum. But, it felt good to state it. I am still embarrassed, there are those that think"something there is wrong,, why didn't she tell anybody (about the abuse)"? That is one of the reasons why i didn't, he said no one would believe me and a bunch of other stuff, some true some not true, but as a kid, 8-11 years old, how do you know what is truth? Plus, my parents were so hard working, how could I have bothered them with this? Even I was working to pay for riding lessons (this is where it happened, yes working at 8-11). I actually got up the nerve to tell my parents, alright I was 36, but it took alot of strength, and to go to the police. Guess what? The statute of limitations had runout. I had felt like I was sucker punched (lol). But I could have sued civillay, but decided not to. i spoke to my priest because I had carried around guilt like, because I could not forgive him as the church says you should. My prioest told me that I am fine and God forgives me because he has not asked for forgiveness, so i am not sinning. If he came to me and asked me for forgiveness, and I refused, it would be different, but this man has never asked. So, i was able , thanks to that understanding , to move on .

Funny, though how these habits form...when I left my husband, my sister said, "I never realized things were that bad, you never said anything". How could I? To burden everyone with my problems? Then did it again with my second husband until I got rid of him. They didn't know of the emotional/physical abuse (mostly emotional though). i am so outgoing, but not when it came to that. Ii am careful to tell my daughters differently though. i speak with them alot about different things and don't want them to keep things bottled. I am a much bigger part of their lives then my parentrs were . My parents just didn't know (quite frankly I think they both came from some dysfunctional families (not divorced or anything, just wierd ways). Well, here I go again, man, once you start opening up on this thing, it is a flood gate (LOL).

[insubordination 0]

I realise that my childhood wasn't so bad when I read some of the other stories here. At least I was safe and sheltered and never physically or sexually abused. However, we all ended up with the same warped relationship with food, didn't we?

Why did I start eating? I think it's because I believed that my parents didn't love me. Maybe it's not true but I believed it for a long time. My family never demonstrates affection (no kisses,hugs, I love yous) and my mother and father used to alternate leaving me and my two brothers for 2 or 3 year overseas stints or move out or in with a lover. Once my Dad, my mother and her boyfriend all lived in the same house.

When I was 13, we were left in the house alone for several weeks because my Dad got married and we all weren't invited to live with the new wife. My Mum had to move to from another state with her alcohlic boyfriend to be with us. We were left with Dad's atm card while we waited. I also never had any regular meals or lunch at school or my clothes washed, hair brushed etc. Had no one to tell about my first period.

They're much better parents now. They wouldn't acknowledge any of this happened. They may love us but they didn't show it by their actions. They couldn't put their kids first.

Sadly, I'm thankful for food in a lot of ways. Got me through it. Also, I have the best two brothers in the world.

[DynamoMini 1]

reqgoddess and insubordination - you are doing great. By sharing your stories you heal yourself and others!

It is interesting that we all turn to food and a form of self abuse when we couldn't cope with the reality of our lives. Yes, insubordination, we all have a gratitude towards food, it helped us cope with what we couldn't tolerate. Food helped us hide when we needed hiding. Food provided a friend when we were lonely. Food comforted us, sheltered us, protected us.... I thank food for all these things.

But I want to grow emotionally and not bury myself in the self destruction that my relationship with food caused. I deserve a healthy life and I want to develop other coping skills besides eating.

I think acknowledgement is the first step towards health for me.

[LLSibley 1]

Why am I fat? The real reason is I ate too much and didn't exercise. Like so many others on this thread I came from a so called dysfunctional family but I had a strong mother that helped us make it through. My dad was an alcoholic. We were never sure if he would come home drunk, sober or somewhere inbetween. We were never sure what his mood would be. I'm the third oldest of 8 kids. My oldest brother is Downs so my dad was always mad about that. He basically made my older sister his son by having her help with all the farm work. I don't remember very much about my childhood. I was told while taking Psychology classes that often that happens when we want to block out unpleasant activities. I do remember wanting to please my dad but being scared of him. At times I recall physical and now I know verbal abuse too. I was also the heavest of all of us kids. You've heard of pre-conceived perception. That's what I did because I was always told I was fat and lazy. My uncle always said I was his favorite because there was more of me to love. Because of these statements I ate and did become very lazy. My mother was a strong hold in the family. She would always have something warm coming out of the oven for a snack when we got home from school, cake, Cookies, bread, pie. I always ate more than my share. I left home as soon as I graduated and went to college. By than my eating habits were aready established. I tried every diet that I could do. I used diet pills and everything. I always felt that no one would ever love me. Then I met my wonderful husband. Although I didn't loose any weight, it stopped going up and up. Doug never said anything about my weight. His concern was my health as heart problems and diabetis ran in the family. He ate properly and ran 4 miles 5 days a week. In the almost 30 years we were married my dress size went from a 12 to 18. That's not too bad for 30 years I don't think. When Doug passed away 5 1/2 years food once again became my good friend. I couldn't eat enough to kill my feelings of loneliness. Each season I had to get new clothes because last seasons clothes didn't fit again. My finacial adviser was telling me a year and half ago about the lap band he had put on. Until then I had never heard of lap band except the adds on TV. I began researching and after a little over a year decided that was what I needed to end this cycle of weight gain. I've probably gained and lost 500 pounds in my life time. I use to tell people that if I wasn't an overeater I would probably be an alcoholic. Being an overeater the only person I was hurting was myself but now I know different. Do I love myself any better, I'm not sure if I love myself completely but I don't hate myself. Maybe just dislike just a little. This weekend I read the book Inside My Heart by Robin McGraw. I got to thinking how much I can change myself is I just work at it. I'm going to work at getting more of what I want out of life. What I really want I can never have again, my husband Doug. Now I'm just rattling but it does feel better to get things off my chest. Thank you for this thread.

[Lindergale 0]

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I read your post on Why am I fat and feel that we would be GREAT friends because we have so much in common. Reading your post made me realize why I'm fat. My mom was killed in a car wreck when I was 10 and my life changed over night. My parents were divorced so I was sent to live with an aunt and uncle. They had a daughter 6 months younger than myself and If I wanted peace I knew to put her first. Also, my aunt told me that just before my mom died, she was planning to leave me with my grandmother and move to Texas with her boyfriend. I felt abandonded in every sense of the word. I eat so that I'll be a good mother and not ever leave my boys. They are now 15 and 17 and soon will be leaving me. I've got to get a grip on this thing! Thanks for sharing. It touched me deep inside... where the fat is!

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[DynamoMini 1]

LLSibley - Losing a husband is a slice in the gut. My husband died 6 1/2 years ago. I wanted to go with him, unconsciously. I was working my way there until I was hit over the head with lung cancer three years ago. I had to make a decsion. Live or die. It was pivotal, dying seemed easier, but I still had my sons (16 years old) and there was an inkling that maybe there is some life left to live. I had the lung surgery and spent a year recovering while working at my teaching job. I decided to retire because I just couldn't keep stressing myself out like that. I have made dramatic changes. I started working out with a trainer two years ago. I tried Slim4Life a year ago and was able to lose 40 pounds in six months, but regained it the next six months. That is when I researched the Lap Band. I was banded in April this year. I have a therapist to work through my lifetime issues, and acupuncturist to balance my energy and my trainer. They are my cheerleading team and a big part of my life.

I wish you well on your journey - remember we all deserve a healthy life.

I underestimated what huge changes this new commitment to my self care would require. It is a lot of work. Change is painful and brutal. But it is exciting too. Achieving goals feels great. Believing I deserve this has been a long time coming.

[LLSibley 1]

DynomoMini, You are such a cheerleader for all of us. I've read post that you've written and you are so encouraging. I even looked to find your first post on here. Although we were raised different we were so alike in a way. Your association with alcoholism was some different. At least after high school I could get out of the situation. You were in it with 2 small boys.

Like you I too wanted to die with Doug or so I thought until the day I was walking to the neighbors house and tripped and knocked out my breath. It was along side a busy road where the kids drove too fast at that time of day, right after school. I told God I wasn't serious or ready to die. Lucky for me a kid I know stopped and helped me. I really knew I would get hit by a car. Unlike your husband mine died suddenly. I was also a teacher and continued to teach another year. My heart wasn't in it and I felt I was not doing the kids any good so retired. I knew I needed a change but the weight just kept going up and up. I've been banded about 3 months now and have yet to regret it. I know I won't . Thank you so much for all they encouragement not only to me but to everyone else on this thread. Linda

[Big Monkey 0]

I don't know if I've posted in this thread yet, but I'm fat because I used to grossly overeat, and my daily diet was horrible. Terribly bad food choices + no exercise ever.

Know I've researched nutrition and am a lot more informed of why I was so huge, and still am but am fixing that

I micro manage my meals daily. Fitday.com is an awesome resource. It's so awesome that it's free. I don't eat any non-planned meals anymore. It's a great feeling to be 100% in control of my daily food intake. There's no reason for me to ever wonder what I'm eating again(nutritionally), and I hope to stay that way for a long time.

[LovelyLaFleur 0]

I think there are several reasons some genetics I can only loose weight if I have a really strict diet no carbs milk high protien alot like the band diet. I was an outcast as a kid fat with stretch marks so, I felt different then the other kids and sexual abuse right before I got fat. :ater spousal abuse. I used the weight as a protection but, now I can stand up for myself and can deal with the new loss and hope that I can con't to do so

[FELICIA17 0]

I am fat because of crappy food choices and lack of excercise. Fast food, drive thru's, sweets, snacking at my desk.

BUT....in four days it will be all over, whooo-hooooo:bounce:

[Raizie 0]

I've read many of the answers to this thread and I seem to find that I fall into several different categories. I've been fat ALL my life. I can't stand to look at pictures of myself at the age of three looking like I'm pregnant, with a huge stomach.

Why? Well, part of that must have been genetic. I have two brothers who were always thin. After we were all adults we found out that they were adopted. It all seemed to make sense. My parents were overweight, as well as my grandparents. The only thin ones were my brothers.

But I think my childhood environment compounded the difficult genetic situation. My parents always tried to get me to eat less junk, while keeping tons of junk in the house. Why should the boys suffer when they were fine? As a child, their comments and negative reactions only served to ruin what little self esteem I had. That caused me to turn to food more, as way to get back at them, and also as a comfort. I also began to eat out of boredom and lonliness. As I got older and my weight continued to be a problem, other kids as well as my family members' teasing and insults made my self esteem and eventual depression worse. I remember my mother screaming at me when we would have fights and calling me a fat f*ck. As with many of the other posts, when I look back at photos of my younger years I think, gee, I wasn't THAT fat. But back then I felt like the biggest, fattest pig. Most of the time I felt like it didn't matter if I ate junk, since I was so huge anyway. It didn't make a difference. I'd never be thin and beautiful like my friends.

When I became an adult and was on my own, I seemed to be more in control of my eating, although the damage of a life time of poor eating habits and turning to food for comfort was already irreparable.

My question, though, is now that I have children of my own, how do I prevent the cycle from happening again? I have several children and some are thin and some are heavy. I have a three year old daughter who is chubby and I see so much of myself in her that it kills me sometimes to imagine her going through what I went through in life. I try so hard not to make her weight an issue. I am always telling her how beautiful she is, and I believe it! I'd just hate for her to start to feel the way I felt as a child. My other kids who are heavy have been made fun of at school and I've tried to counteract that by talking to them about how what other kids think is not important. What is important is that they eat healthy foods, proper portions and stay active. Maybe I'm more worried about my daughter since she is my only girl. I think to some degree boys have an easier time, and my other overweight kids are just a bit overweight.

I try to create an environment where all of my children are taught to make healthy food choices and see food only as a means to nourish the body, not as a comfort or as something to turn to when other areas of life are not fulfilling. But she LOVES to eat. Even at this age, she is always asking for food and loves treats. I don't want to create an environment totally devoid of any junk food, for fear that she will seek it out eventually.

Usually when she says she is hungry I try to figure out if she is really hungry, or if she really needs something else, like something to do, or maybe just a drink. If it's been a while since she's eaten I offer her healthy choices, like fruit or veggies. Luckily, all of my kids like these things. But even apples have calories. Even with the healthy things she is still heavy. I don't know why.

With my other kids who are in school and going to friends houses, I worry that if they never get junk food at home, they will go the opposite extreme when they are on their own. I'm sure they see their friends at school having bags of chips and candy in their lunch boxes.

I don't want to make food a big issue with my kids, but I'm afraid it already is. After reading all these posts and thinking about my own history I just don't know how to help my kids avoid going through the same thing I went through to get to this point in life where surgery is the only option to be "normal" when it comes to weight. I guess since I've never had a "normal" relationship with food, I don't know how to give one to my kids.

[DynamoMini 1]

Raize - I had the same dilemma raising my sons. Both are adopted, but there is nature and then nurture to consider. I think, now, that being a good example of healthy eating would have been the best role model for them. One is weight and health conscious, the other was on medication that blimped him up and now he is 75 pounds overweight and has trouble controlling his food quantities. I am now a better role model eating healthy food, but wasn't much of his life. I don't know what the answer is. My sister, who was bulimic, now is a health nut and exercises excessively. Her 5 year old daughter is very active but has turned chunky (which points to the hereditary thing). I want to protect her emotionally from my sis who is demeaning about her body and her food choices. I talked with my sister about it, but it is hard for her to pretend to be emotionally healthy about food and weight when she isn't.

I have decided that life is hard enough and I need to "tend to my own garden" and that is where my focus now rests.

Best wishes to you all.

[lmandet 0]

As sad as it is I'm glad I'm not alone. I am in the exact same place. Anxiety problems, depression and a life time of it. I really don't have much of a life, food is my comforter and mostly my only enjoyment.

I was banded and got down to 154 but am back up to 190 and feeling bad about my self again.

[Lee4love1 0]

Why am I fat???

I loved beer back in the Army, loved the cakes, the fried chicken, pork chops and more. I used to love McDonalds and other fast food chains. Then I was starting to have issues of"Low Thyroid"--but having intense hunger. This is also a problem among my family Members. People don't know the fatter we are--we get that mental thought--eat more--eat more--even though we're not hungry. Partially it's a Bovine Growth Hormone in all of our meats, chemicals we can't pronounce in all of our foods--pesticides on many of the veggies we consume.

The lap was ingenious to come out as the weight loss tool. I love it--and I am using it now as a great tool for me. There are days now when hunger is not even in my vocabulary. I now love fish, veggies and yogurt--some of the things I used to hate. I see something I've never saw before in my life. Jealousy is one. I am astounded over the many People who look at me strange--but will not speak(when they used to). I am shocked over a few who said--"You're using drugs aren't you? I said yes--the mind drug call confidence. Many feel it's a "crack" thing--since it's all they know.

Then there is me just turning 50 and having women age 21 to 29 notice me and say--"age is just a number"...I am sure 70 pounds ago--that would not have come out of their mouths. Two years ago--I had reached the max weight of 315 and I was so shocked over the treatment I got. I went down--but couldn't get past 220. With the old methods of weight loss...I gained back 53 pounds in just over 18 months. I was fed up in November 2006 after the Thanksgiving holidays and Christmas. I called and left messages on many places(hospital Bariatric programs). So I got back a call I made to the St. Francis Hospital (Memphis,TN) and almost flew to that place to get evaluated. Now after getting banded on 3/28/07. I am happy to know I am headed in the right direction. All that has been said--negatively--I don't care. I am thinking of my Job that I have now. It's being a good Parent and hopefully I will see my kids grown and have their own children..Hey--we are fat for all sorts of reasons. We have to look in the mirror and get honest within ourselves. I retired early in 1998. I was heavy then too---not knowing my back got worse as the weight went up. I had to put on disability. I am so sure--I am going to beat a lot of this. So far--with my motivation high--back pains are rare. I hope I don't have to have any more pain shots in my back. It's never been my favorite thing. Lord willing--I can reach that 163 within the 12 months I have set up for myself. My plan--keep the band for life...:whoo::clap2:

[Liz1531 3]

I can't say why I am fat. Is it because my dad HATES fat people and I ALWAYS knew that? Is it because he'd make me excercise at a young age and make me throw away candy if he caught me eating it? Is it because my parents divorced? I can't say. I know how I got here though. I have a compulsion that I have never told anyone about. I can remember being around 12 or so and hiding with a can of frosting. I can remember trying to sneak junk food in the buggy and then taking it out of the bag and hiding it before my mom every noticed. I feel like a crack addict when on a binge going fast and quietly before anyone notices. Eating (almost always sugar) until I get my "fix". Afterwards, I feel out of control and disgusted. No one knows about this bad habit of mine. It's disgusting and I don't know how to stop. I did lose a LOT of weight on Atkins and looked awesome. Then I got married and pregnant and have gained all back and then some. My husband never knew me as overweight and is not understanding of why I want to be banded. He thinks this is a new problem brought on by pregnancy. I can't bring myself to tell him about "the binging".