Why are YOU Fat?

[valstar 0]

This is great topic. I am overwhelmed by all I've read. I agree you are all brave and so many of you have bits and pieces of me in your story that I am feeling a little choked up. I too have replaced my food obsession with these boards. Even when I don't post, I am reading a couple of times a day.

My family called me fat since 4th or 5th grade. That certainly didn't help me. My father once told me he would give me 100.00 if I lost 20lbs. At the time, I weighed 150 lbs. I was in 7th grade. I couldn't do it. I felt like a loser, all the time. I was smart, corny and fat. I had 1 good friend who was a toothpick! My parents divorced when I was in 3rd grade and I think I used food as a comfort and also as something I had control over. I began to love food. I loved sweets (the sweeter the better) and I loved fried foods. and Breads!!! I made sandwiches out of everything even spaghetti! I never felt full until I was stuffed. I ate/eat when I am bored, lonely, feeling down and when tired. Even with the band, I have to go to my room and get in the bed and just refuse to get up and go to the kitchen because I will eat until I fall asleep. drinks are another reson I am fat. Every one in my family drank from 32oz cups which we would refill all night - Iced tea, lemonade, Pepsi, never Water. I think the first few pounds I lost was when I stopped drinking while I ate and replacing the sugary drinks with water. I still obsess over food and what's the next meal I just feel like the band has given me more control (there's that word again). I can say no and stop myself before I over do it. I am just starting this journey but I know I feel better already. I have done some counseling and will probably have to do some more. I don't want to replace one addiciton with another even if it is these boards. Although right now I feel like they are helping to keep me focused and sane.

Good luck all and thank you for sharing.

Val

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Starting weight 319 7/5/07<o:p></o:p>

surgery weight 314 8/30/07

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[DynamoMini 1]

valstar - I know just how it feels to "think" about being fat all my life. No one could ever offer me an incentive that worked to lose weight, which I have done at various times of my life, with varied amounts of success. It is a lot more that the physical side of things for me. This is a psychological, painful journey. I don't release the weight unless I release the thought pattern that put it there. Thank God for therapy, acupunture and at last I am working out 5 times a week. Most people, with this much intervention would be thin, but I am self defeating. It is so mental/emotional for me. It really isn't about the food. The food never really made me feel better, I just chose it as the vehicle to numb out. But I am not numb any more, nor can I stuff the way I used to, so I am here to face my music and be myself. Best wishes to you.

Michelle

[insubordination 0]

You two sound like me. The problem really does run deep and it's not about just putting food in your mouth. I read an interesting article (not online) about how yoga and tai chi and the like can help people with addictions. I noticed my gym has a tai chi class on Tuesdays so I'm going to go this week.

[Ms. NYC 0]

This is a question that I ask myself all the time. But it is more like "what have you done to yourself"?

When I was a child I was a model and a winning beauty pagents. But my childhood was very transiant...I am not a military kid, Mom just couldn't get it together enough to keep a stable home ...but around 13 my Mom got on drugs and I started gaining weight. I have gotten bigger every year since I was 13. Never facing "the problem". At this point I don;t even know what "the problem" is.

oh yeah....There was one stint on Weight Watcher where I lost 80lbs and gained back 100.

My Mom moved in with me in my Jounior year of college and has never left. I am 35 now. But now she mentally ill and sometime all I want to do is eat so I'll get sleepy so I don't have to deal with the fact that I am not married, no children and living with a mentally unstable and verbally and sometimes physically abusive person (Mom).

So I still don't know why I am fat.

[insubordination 0]

Well it's not hard to find the reason there Ms NYC. While it's admirable that you look after your mother, it's terrible that you've given up your life. You must feel trapped. Do you think it's a possibility that you could leave her. No one should be subjected to verbal and physical abuse. Have you talked to any one about this?

[BJean 16]

Ms. NYC: Sometimes I eat because I CAN. It's a control thing. No one can tell me what I have to eat or can't eat. It's something that I and I alone control. And SCREW THEM!!!

Now after struggling for years and after having gone through so much - so many diets, psychological counseling, nutritional counseling, starvation, medications, shots, and now the lap band, I think all these psychological issues we're talking about here are as a result of our obesity, not the other way around. I think that we "catch" the condition of overeating, just like anorexic people "catch" anorexia.

We're spinning out of control just like the anorexic person. We're slowly killing ourselves, just like they are. But it's more due to pysiological reasons than psychological ones. And it's very, very complicated. The medical profession has a few clues, but no real understanding or knowledge of what's happening to us. They're getting closer, but the research is done on how to treat the symptom, not understanding the cure - just like so many other physical conditions and diseases. The money for them is in the treatment, not the cure!

So I don't think we should beat ourselves up so much. I don't think we should blame others or even food for how we are. I wish I had a good answer to insert here, but I don't. I've had the band for a year and I am only about 35 lbs. lighter than when I started. I am seriously considering hypnotherapy because I have found myself eating sweets out of control again instead of the much more difficult to eat, nutritious food.

I don't think we're fat because of how much we eat. I think we're fat because of what we eat. Even for those of us to believe we're just into massive a quantities instead of the wrong stuff, I think we're kidding ourselves. If we were only eating really nutritious foods, we would only be able to eat just so many veggies and complex carbs. I just don't think they would make us fat. We're fat because of our food choices brought on because we have a very complex and destructive psysiological condition. One that nobody really understands or has a clue how to cure.

[BJean 16]

Please excuse the mispelled words: psychological and physiological... I got in a hurry and didn't re-read my post until after I hit "Reply" --- dang! The program won't let me edit anymore. So much for credibility when one is putting forth one's blindingly brilliant revelation!

[adryan 0]

Oh my! Why am I fat?

Lots of reasons it seems. Most people in my family were/are "fat". My parents never encouraged good eating habits in me. I'm from the south so fried foods is actually a food group in itself, and every event no matter how big or small was celebrated/mourned with a huge feast. Those things just made me predisposed to gaining weight.

I am an emotional eater.

I was a super active kid. I was on every sports teams and on top of that I was on all the all-star teams and summer camps. I was constantly on the go. Well in the middle of my freshman year of high school my mom almost died. She was extremely ill, and was diagnosed with cancer. So I turned to my pal. Food.

Well as luck (bad) would have it, I got hurt several times over the next two years. I would go to physical therapy, come back to sports. But i finally injured myself one time to many and all my doctors decided that I wasn't going to ever be able to play again. Well atleast not competively. So I had to mourn the loss of everything I loved to do. I had been involved in sports for so long, and as a young kid, i felt it sort of defined me. So having to deal with a sick parent, the loss of myself, and puberty oh man I packed on the pounds.

Well my mom passed away right at the end of my junior year and then the pounds really really really started coming. There wasn't anyone who was going to tell me not to eat that chip/candy bar/ nachos/ chicken fingers.

Next, I decided I was going to go off to college. So being alone away from home, still not dealing with my mom passing away, I gained the freshman 15 (50).

Then over christmas break of my sophmore year in college, my dad had 2 heart attacks. So i had to move back home to help take care of my dad. Well I gained even more weight. Then my job was beyond stressful, so I gained some more weight. Verbally/Mentally/Emotionally abusive boyfriend, I gained even more weight.

Well I am glad to say that now, my dad is going pretty good. I left that job, and that boyfriend. I found a great boyfriend, then i married him. I am now a senior in college, but after all the school swapping i'm not really that close to graduating but it's on the horizon. I am currently working on all my baggage from losing my mom at 17.

I am a work in progress and now that I KNOW why i'm fat. I feel that this decision to have the lap-band is the right one. So hopefully when all this insurance mess is taken care of, I can have the surgery, and won't be feeling FAT to terribly long.

Sorry that was so long.

[BJean 16]

The thing I can't seem to get reconciled with is that there are millions of people in the world who have our problems but who do not use and abuse food in order to cope with them. That's one reason why I think it is complicated in a biological/physiological way. It ain't all just in our heads!

[DynamoMini 1]

BJean - right you are. When I compare myself and my eating with "normal" weight friends, I usually eat less and exercise more, yet am much heavier. I know it is calories in and calories out. But how come my ins have double the pow than my outs.

[BJean 16]

Michelle: It is so true!

I know we aren't dogs... uh, I do know that! But as an example, my two Miniature Schnauzers are almost the same age and they are fed exactly the same food in the same quantities.

Maggie is very strong, lean and all muscle. She's absolutely gorgeous and can take on anything and anyone. She would have made a great show dog if I had been into that. She has perfect posture, as dogs go. She can leap small buildings in a single bound, etc.

Sophie is a smaller dog overall but she is ALWAYS hungry, on the prowl constantly for ANYTHING. She keeps her head down and is timid and not sure if what she's doing is making us happy. If she can't find a stray crumb or something to chew on, she will eat a Kleenex or paper plate or paper towel. She goes out in the middle of the night to hunt for bugs or whatever else she can scavenge in the backyard (I used to call her Beetlejuice) And she has large pones on her hips and weighs 2 lbs. more than Maggie even though she's smaller boned and shorter. Maggie is happy with one meal a day. Sophie never thinks she is fully fed.

I tell people that Sophie takes after me and has an eating disorder. I'm only half kidding. :hungry:

[kathystrick 3]

Why am I fat? Oh geez, I could write a novel. I came into the world in 1970 at 10 lbs. 1 oz., quite a big baby at that time. I was a very active child, playing outside, taking dance classes, etc. Then came our good friendpuberty. Within a year of starting my period, I had to go on the pill for hormone imbalance that caused me to have very long, very heavy periods and stay anemic. The curves began developing. In high school, I was about 220 (would LOVE to be that now) and 5'11". Although I know now I wasn't fat, at the time, in a world of size 5 friends, I felt like an elephant. I stood out in the crowd no matter how hard I tried to hide and there wasn't a guy around who would ask me out. When one finally did pay attention to me, I was a senior, still a virgin, and thinking I would never have a date. He was a pot head, unemployed dropout with an abusive mother who made me feel like I was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen and made me think we would "live happily ever after". We got married when we were both 19 and despite all efforts to avoid it (and a miracle acording to the doctors), I promptly became pregnant. I was very careful about my eating habits during my pregnancy and 5 months after my 20th birthday delivered a 10 lb. 8 oz. baby boy and went home from the hospital weighing 180 lbs. Well, in an effort to keep an already long story short, over the next 2 years, my now ex-husband lied, cheated, stole, went to jail, spent more time unemployed than employed, set me up to take the fall for a crime he and another guy committed, then promptly took off for Virginia, leaving me alone with our 2 y/o son and trying to defend myself against a crime I had no knowledge of. Talk about depression!!! I couldn't figure out what was so wrong with me to make him act that way. I started eating everything I could get my hands on. From the time I got up until I went to bed, I ate. About 5 months later, I met a man 10 years older than me who showed me what a great person I really am. He loved my son, he loved me. We had a great relationship. Then one day he just came home and said he wanted me to move out. No excuses, no reason why, just move out. So again, I began I found myself trying to figure out what I did wrong. I started hanging out in a bar and drinking, staying out late, partying on weekends, and lost back down to about 225 lbs. I felt skinny for the first time in years. I couldn't believe it. But I realized I was going down the wrong road and decided to straighten up my life. And the weight started creeping back on. I watched in misery as pound after pound and more came back. I plateaued at about 280 finally and stayed at that weight for over 3 years until I started having period problems again. I went to the doctor and he started me back on birth control pills. I promptly gained 50 pounds in 3 months. Once that 300 pound mark was broken, I have never been able to get back under it. I have fluctuated 10 - 20 pounds here and there, but never below 300, no matter how much I diet and exercise. My husband says he doesn't care. He likes bigger women I know, but I know I have surpassed even his limit, which is even more depressing to me. So I eat. I try to control it, then start thinking about why I feel like I have to control it, and get even more depressed.

In the end, I know it is a decision to lead a happier, healthier life. Both of my parents are diabetic, my mother has high cholesterol, my father had a heart attack at 36. I suffer from anxiety and depression, both of which have gotten better when I have lost weight. I want to live to see the children of my now 6'5" 200 lb. handsome, well-adjusted 17 y/o son, born and grow up. Heck, I just want to be able to haul the groceries up to our 2nd floor apartment without feeling I am going to have a heart attack!!! So, in a nutshell, THAT is why I am fat.

Kathy

[BJean 16]

kathystrick: I don't know why we have so much trouble loving ourselves and taking care of ourselves. Something just creeps into our minds that makes us feel like we aren't worth working on. So we give up and give in -to the draw of the temporary highs that food gives us. I feel like such a junkie loser sometimes.

Like I said earlier though, I believe it is bigger than one big, or many small, emotional problems. I think there are definitely genetics and/or body chemistry at work. When we understand all of the stuff that drives us to eat uncontrollably, we will get it fixed and be normal by society's standards. In the meantime, we need to not beat ourselves up, but just love ourselves and do the best we can.

[jacole1820 0]

well, i am fat because i cant just have a "little" bit of food. i have massive quantities at once and eat well beyond the feeling of fullness. i hope all this is in the past after my surgery

[kathystrick 3]

kathystrick: I don't know why we have so much trouble loving ourselves and taking care of ourselves. Something just creeps into our minds that makes us feel like we aren't worth working on. So we give up and give in -to the draw of the temporary highs that food gives us. I feel like such a junkie loser sometimes.

Like I said earlier though, I believe it is bigger than one big, or many small, emotional problems. I think there are definitely genetics and/or body chemistry at work. When we understand all of the stuff that drives us to eat uncontrollably, we will get it fixed and be normal by society's standards. In the meantime, we need to not beat ourselves up, but just love ourselves and do the best we can.

Sometimes I feel like the only difference between me and a drug addict is that they usually lose weight and I just seem to keep packing on more and more. :faint:

I agree with what you said about genetics and body chemistry. I was watching a show on tv the other day and they said children of obese parents are ____% more likely to be obese. Well DUH!! I know my parents have both struggled with weight. But could it also be that everyone in a household is most likely eating the same things and practicing the same sedentary lifestyle? I am just ready for my fight with my body to be over. I have been losing this battle since I was a teenager and have all but given up doing it on my own at this point. :cry Hoping the band will be just the kick in the butt I need to regain control of myself.

Kathy