Why are YOU Fat?

[Alexandra 55]

That's a great idea, Zoe. It's done.

[SHAZ 0]

As a child I was a very light eater, in fact I didn't like ANYTHING. My mother would sprinkle sugar on my food in hopes that I would eat it. Even this didn't work all that well, but to this day I have a sugar addiction. I will pass up a beautiful steak with all the trimings for a big chunk of cake. Needless to say I am diabetic (on insulin). I mostly ate my sugary delights at night and I really miss them. I think the bottom line in my case as with most of us is emotional eating. Whenever I feel any emotion, good or bad, I get a desire to eat sugar (among other foods), and I eat until I can't eat anymore before I am satisfied.

I can't say that I eat out of misery only since I eat just as much if something makes me joyful. When I overcome a challenge or make an accomplishment, even a small one, I feel I need to eat (to Celebrate???).

Thank goodness for the band!!!

[DeLarla 22]

Emmy, please go ahead and write the book here... it's like you took the words right out of my head.

"I snack - especially at night. My kids go to bed and I head for the fridge/cabinets and then to the couch where I remain there until I go to bed (or, subsitute couch for computer). I guess this can be attributed to "hording" - I had to hord food as a child in order to have some the next day. I used to hide packs of pudding powder and eat it in the bathroom.

I never feel full unless I gorge myself - think Thankgiving dinner. If I don't feel like I am going to bust then I don't feel satisfied. Not sure why this is...

I eat so fast I don't "hear" my body saying it had enough... or that I had something that will make me sick, until it's too late. Again, goes back to the having to hurry it up so no one would see what I was able to sneak or just because we were always going somewhere."

Preband, as an adultm eating is like autopilot (as I mentioned in another post). Almost like I don't even realize I am doing it.

[Guest chezsmom]

As long as I can remember I have been fat, it started in grade school and the weight just kept on climbing.

Most of my family has a weight issue they all like food. Its a comfort for me mostly. Happy I eat, Mad I gorge, Upset I eat and gorge. I am so darn tired of hearing YOU SHOULD LOSE WEIGHT. Darn it I already now that, it just it's that simple. I have tried every diet know to man and some I have made up on my own.

chezsmom

trying to ok for surgery

aka lapband

[bigmom 1]

Boy do alot of things written above strike a chord with me. That is why I adopted a special attitude with my getting the band. I told my self and others thatsince getting the band I had to start eating like an infant from the get go and no it was only up to me to learn new eating habits and that I was no responsible for all the new eating habits I would have and I could no longer blame my past it is working I made it all a mind set.

[MeganA 35]

I volunteer for a group called Mothers and Daughters. There are girls in the program who are between 12 and 14, and over half of them are obese. Most of these girls come from very disfunctional families and many have been in foster homes or in treatment or in other facilities. Most of them are being treated for depression and/or anxiety disorders.

I watch these girls eat the Snacks we have at the meetings- and I feel like I am watching myself at their age. They eat and eat and eat and don't taste anything. One of the girls ate so many carrots that she was sick. We try to give them only healthy Snacks but it doesn't matter- they eat handfulls of popcorn or fruit- it doesn't matter. I see in their faces the sweet numbness that I have felt when I used to eat like that. I envy them on one hand, and feel intense sadness for them on the other. I suppose it's like a recovering alcoholic watching other people drink.

Megan

[Guest svanessa]

I grew up in the “clean your plate” society but also had family members putting food on my plate so there wouldn’t be any left-overs. “Here finish this so we don’t have to throw it away.” Both sides of my family are obese. Several aunts were over 6’ and 400lb. Longivity rules both sides of my family in spite of the obesity. Most live well into their 80’s and 90’s and that’s been my justification to remain fat. Illogical I know!

Growing up with a disiplanarian father (as he put it) I became extremely passive/aggressive and, how did my shrink put it, oppositional. Coupled with almost daily “spankings” and incest I grew up a very angry, man-hating person (insert the B-word here). I keep the anger inside which I know is not good but I’m afraid to let out. So I eat and I drink and live alone away from the masses.<O:p

Why am I deciding to loose the weight now? Mom has an aortic aneurism. Her aorta from the heart to the iliac is at 5.5 cm but it should be 1.8. That’s ¾” vs 2”+. It may burst at any time. My aorta is at 2.2. Wake up call. Arthritis is really getting bad too and now I have severe pain in my hip joint. Darn it, it's time to give up the anger and loose this weight.

sue

[judybellyband 6]

Thank-you...I needed this. I have forever wondered, "why me, it's not my fault, I am so tired of being on a diet and the sadness of feelings for being so out of control with my weight". Why am I fat? Maybe it is a virus that just got into my blood stream and has only 3 times in my 52 years of life EVER been in control. Or maybe it really has been all about volume of food, high-fat/high carb foods, no exersice, very little Water ever (but 8-10 diet cokes a day) and a stressful busy life. I just now am realizing the difference from feeling hungry and realizing that I am just thirsty. I have learned more about why I have always been fat in this past year than I ever had and I thought I knew it all before I was l banded....ha ;o) The Lord is so good and He has allowed me a second opportunity to have the desires of my heart . . to learn to eat more normal and get toward a normal size. I thank Him everyday for my band and His love to me.

Always,

Judy

[P.T. loser 0]

I can identify with alot of these things mentioned in the different posts.

I also come from a family that's very disfunctional. Mental illness, alcoholism, sexual abuse etc. I have used food most of my life for comfort. I love food, especially sweets (pastry, cakes, just about any kind of dessert). I have been successful a couple of times losing weight, but to keep it off, thats another story. I truly feel I use sugar the way an alcoholic uses alcohol. I've been to numerous 12 step programs and feel they did help me to a degree. I learned alot about myself through theses programs. Also through years of therapy I've learned some things too. I do know that my desire to use food as somthing other than what it was meant for will always be with me. I have to learn to live with it, because it's not going away. But I have a choice, to use or not to use. Thats where the problem comes in. I choose to use more than I choose not to. I don't think there is a day that goes by that I don't think about food obsessively, whether I'm on a diet or not. I hate having this compulsion because it has caused so many problems in my life! I use to think if I could just find out why I'm obsessed with food that I would be able to stop it. It's who I am, it's a part of me. I'm really hoping that when I get my band it will help. I know that I will have to work very hard. The band gives me hope that I can lose this weight and keep it off. It sure is nice to know I'm not alone, thanks to all of you for being so honest!

Patty

[DeLarla 22]

Patty, I relate to you more than 100%. Last week I was struggling so hard at night because I didn't want to eat goodies. Finally I stood up and stormed into the kitchen and the words came out of my mouth, "it's who I am, damn it" and I grabbed a bunch of crap and ate it as if it would save my life.

The Band often helps, but I still have mental struggles all the time. Too many times I put my Band at risk. Last night was one of those times. I ate till it was painful, and I'm still in pain today from last night's binge eating. I need them to put a band around my head to cover my mouth. Sometimes I think that's the only thing that will help.

[P.T. loser 0]

DeLarla, I know what you mean. I'ts a constant battle. It really scares me how I put junk food before my health. I know the whole time I'm shoveling it in that I'm really harming myself, but I can't stop once I start. I am happy to say I haven't had any sugar in 5 days. I'm really trying to get away from it before I get banded.

[sensy 0]

My problemo is that I LOVE to eat. It tastes so dang good. I eat when I am happy, sad, mad, depressed, bored, hungry, not hungry, any and every reason. I wish I wasn't like that and I wish fast food had never been invented. My childhood wasn't all that bad - I started eating for any reason and emotion I felt because it was something to do and tasted so marvelous. I wish I had some taco bell right now - but my band won't let me - should have got the band installed 10yrs. ago......Now, I think about how I used to eat this or that or how it used to be so easy and pleasureable to eat and I actually question my decision on getting the band. I really miss all that fun and delicious eating!!! but, I want to look and feel good too....what a mess.....

[tellie 0]

My parents still find it funny that when I was born, they had to make a budget and calculate how much *I* ate. My older brother never demanded such amounts of formula/baby food/food.... Always the fat kid in a family of very slim people (my mom was a model before she got married). I dont know if its true or not, but I always felt their dissappointment; their embarrassment when they had to introduce me as their daughter. My mom tried everything, controlled everything I ate (at home), hid food from me (why deprive my thin brothers?). So I learned to hide too. I would steal food from the school cafeteria (pre-school), sell my homework to the highest bidder later on, anything to support my addiction. By 8, I would try every diet I found in my mom's magazines. Diet for 1-2 weeks, Binge for the rest of the month. The Hunger cant be satisfied, even now which is why I keep getting in trouble.

I am fat because I cant fill up something inside, and the only thing that comes close to satisfying it is food, even if just for a couple of hours.

tellie

[Nykee 13]

Why I am Fat.

I was born under 5 pounds.

My mom said she breast fed too much cuz I was ravenous. I was called Butter Ball at age one and two.

I was a thick child, my grandma tells me I would make demands like "MAKE ME PANCAKES!" and such. I was independant, bossy and loud. (all of this goes with FAT)

I used to try to find enough money to buy a candy bar a day. (25cents a peice)

My home was poor but we always had food like captain crunch cerial, icecream once a week and Tv dinners and mac and cheese. My mom made us dinner every night but she had no clue what low fat or healthy meant. My dad worked for resers fine foods, so we lived on buretto's and bean dip..lol, naw they made lots of things like frozen cheeseburgers, giant Cookies, pecan pies, Jello parfeit, potatoe sald.. ect.

No one talked about Fat or calories or weight loss, ever. I never knew i was chubby. My mom hovered around 170 pounds at the most. My sisters were tiny things. (younger than me) No obese family were in my extended family. My dad ran marathons and such but I didnt know it was for any reason having to do with health.

By 6th grade I was 120 pounds. My boobs were a 34B (at age 10..)

I was being looked at and sexual harrassed, I looked 16.

One day I hear my mom and dad fighting about me. My dad said my boobs were all fat. My mom insisted they were not. My dad said if I only lost weight My boobs would go away as well.. My mom argued he was wrong.

And this is the day I became FAT.

[Nykee 13]

Why I became Obese

So I am 12 and I am about 120 pounds and my boobs are getting bigger and bigger (almost D cups now) and I am curvey....

My mom divorces my dad, moves me and my sisters away from reality.

I HAD been raised in a decent home, with all my basic needs met, in general safety amongnst people who seemed to care enough. My dad worked, my mom cooked and cared for the house, we went to company picnics and vacations to the beach, my dad raced canoes and hunted and my mom layed in the sun and baked Cookies. We lived a normal life.

NOW after the DIVORCE....... my mom has us living in a house with this lesbian women and her three children who run the house naked. (lesbain???? naked???? new to me!!)

There are criminals, child molesters and real nasty crude people around us all the time. (my parents never even let people CUSS around us before!)

There is no hot Water, no phone (gasp..lol) no heat, our food comes from boxes and I have no idea why this is happening except my mom doesnt love us anymore. My dad ran off and cried. Never imagined the hell we would have to endure (and to this day doesnt really know, my dad does love me)

THEN MY mom starts to use drugs. Then my mom doesnt love us any more. Then my mom committs terrible crimes against me and well......

I hate her for many years, she is a full fledged crack whore who only cares about herself. (mom is straight now.. a decent women)

We starve, literally.. my sister is hospitalized. I STEAL from then on for us to eat, we HAVE to go to school to get our only meal of the day.. This really sucked. I think this is when my eating disorder took full effect.

I end up hateing life, I hate people, I hate men and I absolutely hate my self ... I become the only thing I can and thats like my mother. Only I am worse. I hurt people. I steal. I sleep around. blah blah blah

Anyway................ That all changes when I get pregnant.

At 15 yrs old I am about 135 pounds. This is documented at a girls group home in Portland when I arrive.

(I leave at 190#.. its the first time I ate in years)

At 16, I have my son.. I come out of it 200 pounds. (still trying to make up for starving)

At 17 yrs old I have my daughter, I come out of it at about 280 pounds.

At 19, I have my youngest, I come out of it at 325 pounds or so.

I stay between 325# and 345# for 10 years... (age 29)

Then my back goes out and I cant work for go for my masters degree..

(I made quite a good life for us BTW)

I end up hoovering around 400 pounds for the last 5 years....

(back is still out, almost in a wheele chair, diabeties)

I got obese to protect me and my babies from the cruel cruel world I could not trust for a very long time. They are almost grown and I must brag I did a most excellent job with them... They are happy healthy and everything I am not.. WHAT AM I PROTECTING THEM FROM NOW??

MYSELF!

TIme to let it go!