Why are YOU Fat?

[Shellybelly 0]

I am fat because that has always been my role. Fat Shelly. And you know what, I grew up in Jamaica at a time when no one had a real problem with fat, so calling someone Fat Shelly, like Fat was their title, was considered perfectly polite. In fact I was a teenager on a commuter flight from Kingston to Montego Bay early one morning, when a well dressed (blacksuit) gentleman saw me struggling with my little carry-on. He hurriedly stored his breif-case and then reached for my bag. He was so kind, and as he reached for the bag he said "I'll help you fatty." Thanx! Now, even in JA, it is no longer acceptable to be fat. But it is still my role. In describing siomeone, a member of my family might say "she is not as big as ...say Shelly, but she is a big girl." or "I am not going to get as big as Shelly, don't you worry." All of this while lovingly stroking my hair. Ahhh yes. Toxic love.

And on my part, since I have always been fat, I have always had to appear to be dieting, or else be considered a real slob - one friend of a friend whom I barely knew once asked me "don't you care about your size?" when I ordered a burger in her presence. Everyone else was having one BTW. So anyway, my response to the constant appearance of dieting or trying to get my size under control was to stop. I just quit doing it on my own time. So I eat butter and icing sugar and sometimes butter with Icing sugar cause I can, and because I feel like I ought to be able to and everyone else can and it is soooo unfair. Real adult right? I must like the name Fat Shelly :Banane34:. But now I am on a path and this band, when I get it, will be my own secret, and I will own my weight loss and own my body..is that a weird thought?

[Mags 0]

Thank you all for being so brave and posting your thoughts. One thing that strikes me as I read is that many of us are dealing with a great deal of pain in our lives -- past, present or both. And, unlike the alcoholic or drug abuser we all wear those problems for everyone else to see!!!!

What I want more than anything is to "fit" into the world. At 292 I can't sit on a bus, train or airplane and feel uncomforable in restaurants and other public places.

I've lost and gained 50-60 pounds 3 or 4 times in my life, always putting it back on and more. The last time was 3 years ago when I lost 55 pounds. I was doing spinning and yoga classes and the gym and went hiking in Colorado. I wasn't even near my goal weight but I could live a life. I hope the lapbanding can give me that back again and help me keep from regaining the weight this time!!!

Good luck to you all.

Mags

[DiDi 0]

Dear Shelly. Gotta get you a new name!! How about Sweet Shelly? I kinda like that better. Good luck at getting back at 'em! We'll keep your secret & back you up too.

[Shellybelly 0]

Thank you Didi...I like Sweet Shelly too:sun: .

[Robin Mac 0]

I really can’t explain my weight problem -- I was a naturally thin child, adolescent, teenager, college student, twenty-something, thirty-something... don’t get me wrong... I had to work out to stay that way (aerobics, dancing, bike-riding) and had to start watching what I ate in my mid-thirties, but it was easy for me. I attributed it to my genes... I have one cousin who was overweight, but the rest of my family has no weight problems whatsoever. Then, at 38, I gave birth to my one and only child.

I was single with a full-time career and no family in the immediate area. I quickly became overwhelmed--unable to find time to work out, eat right, go out dancing... And then I turned 40! The metabolism slowed way down, menopause kicked in and comfort food became my best friend. I’ve always been a somewhat addictive personality and a carboholic to boot, so I had really packed on the pounds by the time I turned 50. Combined with a few years at a highly stressful job, losing another job following 9/11, then 3 years of underemployment; not to mention a temporarily debilitating auto accident in between.... I had become a fast-food, carb-crazed junkie.

Just like so many of us, I would go on diets, lose 20 - 40 lbs., then gain it all back and then some. I joined fitness clubs and was very good about working out, but when the weight was no longer coming off, I lost interest and stopped going.

Shortly, before I turned 50 I decided to go the surgery root, but the gastric bypass seemed too drastic.... I watched a Discovery Channel show about Ann Wilson of Heart and her Lap Band surgery and knew immediately that was what I wanted to do. It’s a year and a half later, and I’m hopeful that it will work. But I have to say that I’m worried, because here I am almost 2 months after surgery and one fill, and I think I’m able to eat too much -- way more than I thought I would be able to. I get the ‘golf ball’ in chest thing occasionally, but can work through it and continue eating. I rarely feel full and some days I’m just plain hungry all the time. So, I worry....

[Nykee 13]

I told this to someone else the other day and they said I was ful of crap, so i wanna post it here...

thank you (I already posted here, this is just one point of many)

I had all the food I wanted all my life (not healthy either) untill I was 12,

From 12 to 16 I struggled in these kinds of ways: (parents divorced, mom became a crack head)

Sometimes our only meal was at school, once we missed the bus and walked like 10 miles to school in time for lunch.< /p>

We lived in a condemed house for 4 to 6 months??? (in secret with no electricity) and I remember having ONE meal there, (besides school) it was one pan of stewed tomatoes for one adult and 4 people.. IT tasted so good, I thought I would die of pleasure.

There was this mint Jelly there too.. a tiny jar and I put my finger in it for a tiny taste as to not show I had got into it.

One time, (totally different place).. All we had was a turkey and a jar of grape jelly for the longest time and I was not enrolled in school..

I cut a chunk of uncooked turkey and microwaved it until it turned white instead of pink.. then I ate it with grape jelly. I always took small peices affraid I would waste it.. THEN it got to smelling so bad my mom threw it out one day like it was no big deal.. and I enrolled in school just to eat.

I began to shoplift food in that next summer from little stores..

Sometimes I worked at a hotdog stand and I got food from him. (a phedifile, I was 14 here)

But when I didnt get food cuz it rained (coastal town) and the stand wasnt open or some other slut took over the job for a few days or week..

Then I began to shoplift junk food.

Then my best friend began to shrival away. She was a runaway (as I was, egven though we were at my moms) and I didnt know what was wrong with her, but she was going INSANE and I had to get to town and get her food or get it from perverts in my neighborhood anyway I could,.. this lasted a month till she passed out and went to ER and I never saw her again. (well I did once a few years later)

She had some problem where she needs like 4000 calories a day just to maintain her 100 pounds.. and no one ever knew it till she ran a way and didnt get enough food.. I always felt extreme guilt over this.. I was her everything..

Later.. I got to live with my dad and even though he WASNT a crack head, he didnt have the money to feed us and did all he could but just didnt realize it wasnt enough I guess.. I would walk llike 12 miles to the nearest store and shoplift a huge peice of chocolate and eeat it all..

These times I shoplifted the junk foods, I thought they were GOLD..

I never knew it was the meat and cheese that was the Good stuff. lol

WHEn I ate this junk It was SWEET salvation.,.. and I think I am stilll stuck on that feeling although I can eat anything I want.

I dont think thats crap..

I think thats good food disorders in the making.

[Marimaru 7]

I can't imagine who would take a story like that and tell you it was crap. I think it is absolutely a basis for food disorders. I think it has also probably made you a very strong person. At the very least, I think we can tell that your kids are very well taken care for.

[Nykee 13]

thank you so much..

Curious, why did you say that about my kids? (did you see the pics I posted or what??)

The things I went through made me a most amazingly good mother (considering what 'could of been' ya know) BUt what made you say that, I am just wondering.

[puddin 7]

Maybe they said it was crap because it sounds so extreme that they didn't believe you. Truthfully, it's beyond anything I could imagine growing up with. Sounds like hell on earth! I'm so glad you broke the cycle for your own children.

[Nykee 13]

This person knows for a fact its all true... He just doesnt think it's crap that i say it has anything to do with getting my self all obese and feeling obsessive with junk food.< /p>

[Marimaru 7]

The pictures of your kids were great, but you've mentioned them in other posts, and I've just gathered the impression that you've done alot of things for your kids to make sure they didn't go through what you went through.

[Nykee 13]

Ok, thanks.. I gues I dont realize how much I say at this place,,

(hugs))

[DiDi 0]

Wow, Nykee what a hard life. You really broke my heart. I was poor but we almost always had something, maybe just rice but always something. I do remember school lunches were the greatest. But remember you are not full of crap. You are not crap. You are a kind & generous woman who is doing the best she can & hang in there. 63 lbs is great & we are here for you. We are here for you & love you.

[Nykee 13]

oh thankyou so much.. your kind..

It really wasnt that bad, I mean compared to so many... I only had a few bad years, many have a lifetime..

I didnt post it for sympathy, but I know thats not what your giving..

I just get alittle peeved when people think its crap when I am only giving some psychological reasonings.. not excuses!

ya know..

Thanks again

[nj dee 0]

I too eat like that, BIG!! I know how how you feel