Do you tell your kids about having LBS?

[bonniep 0]

Unlike most of you, I've opted not to say a word about my lapband surgery. I'm a very private person and I need to go through the 4-weeks post-op diet, before I want to say anything to my kids. My daughter is 20 and is away at college and my son is 16 and he goes to boarding school. The only one home is my husband and of course he knows. I have not told my mother, who lives 10-minutes from my house in an assisted living place. My mother is a total worry wort and if she knew, she'd be calling me 10X per day to ask how I am. I don't want that.

I'll tell my daughter first. She'll understand. She thinks I went to a writer's conference for a week. I'll tell my son after I tell my daughter. He won't be mad that I didn't tell him, but he'll a lot of questions for me. He's always been very critical of my weight and my eating habits (he's Mr. Healthy), and I want to tell him at a time when the worst of the post-op stuff is over.

I don't intend to tell any of my friends, unless they ask. I won't lie, but I won't volunteer the information, either. For me, this is a very private thing and I need to do what's right for me. The psychologist agreed that I need to do what feels right to me.

b.

[Blund 0]

Thank you all for your input. Its been helpful seeing everyone's point of view and I hope others are getting help from this thread too

Bonniep,

I would probably do the same in your situation. My only extended family that is near me are my in-laws and I'm not sure what kind of reaction they would have. I have to get a scope this week to see if I have a hiatal hernia so the surgeon isn't surprised by it if I get the band. I have told my kids about that (5yrs,7yrs,9yrs) so I have already "planted the seed" that mommy has a problem with her stomach. My extended family is spread out and we all pretty much keep our personal (medical) issues to ourselves. At this point, I'm not even approved yet, so there is nothing to discuss. I'm just going to discuss it with the shrink, see how it goes and feel out the "vibes" of everyone.

[AmyJS27 0]

I have a 20 yr old daughter. I am not telling her or anyone else family included except my husband. I am very close with my family but I am doing this for me. I won't lie to them and plan on giving them all the information they want (and then some) but I want to wait until in becomes clearly obvious. I don't want the pressure of them or anyone else making comments about how slow/fast losing weight. BTW: surgery in 10 days!

[Vikki 2]

It really is up to you to tell your kids or not. I was very open with my kids and told them why I felt I needed to get a lapband and that it was a life change for the better. I didn't feel comfterable telling everyone though. It took me a year before I started to feel like what the heck when people go wow you have lost so much weight I just respond now ya I got a lapband and they start asking me questions. I was really worried at first what people would say but now I don't care. It has brought that light back that I so missed and I feel great!!!!!!! I want to tell everyone that I know that struggles with food and overweight problems but I don't because it is a very personal decision. My daughter is 9 and has made a comment before about that she doesn't like that I got the band because she sometimes sees me in pain. But I just explain to her that is part of having the band to learn when to stop and what you can and can't eat. That it is not easy to live with the band but it has made mommy so much happier with myself and that is worth it!!!

[MacMadame 81]

I am always very open with my kids. My son's attitude is "whatever". He doesn't see it as his business, plus he's a teen and his own issues are so much more interesting to them than mine. :scared2:

I was quit surprised by my daughter's reaction though. She has been begging me not to get the surgery because she doesn't want me to change! She says I look great the way I am. She also claims that I don't look any different than I do in my wedding pictures. This is pretty amusing, because I'm about 20 years older and I weight about 90 lb. more, plus I was wearing contacts back then and had curly hair instead of the glasses and straight hair (with pink streaks!) that I have now. So even if there wasn't a weight issues, I clearly don't look anything like I did back then. :wink2: But she's only 9, so I guess that's just 9-year old logic.

Anyway, I've promised her that I won't lose so much weight that I'm not still able to give "soft hugs", but I have been firm that I have to do this for my health and to get my life back. At the same times she's quite the little scientist and is very interested in how the surgery works and what is involved. I think I can get her enthusiastic about it if I bring her to a meeting or an appointment.

[Pix 4]

I haven't really told my boys yet (7 and 9) but they know that Gramma is coming down in a few months to help mommy out cause I will need it. They know I am going to a lot of dr appts, and know that it is weight related. My oldest is getting suspicious that I am having surgery, but I haven't confirmed it yet. I am quite the dodger when it comes to the subject with my kids but I haven't lied to them.

When/if I get the approval from the hospital to have it done, then I will sit down and explain to them what is happening and all of that. For now, they know what I think they need to know. When that changes I will fill them in even more.

[Blund 0]

Your 9 year old scientist sounds like my 7 year old scientist! I have another daughter who is 9. I am more concerned with the young girls and body image thing. Mine also say I'm not fat, so I'm not sure what to thing at this point. I'm about 80 lbs overweight, and they think Dora is fat! What are they talking about? I don't want to "damage" them with MY issues either.

[MacMadame 81]

Mine also say I'm not fat, so I'm not sure what to thing at this point. I'm about 80 lbs overweight, and they think Dora is fat! What are they talking about?

Yes, I really worry about that with today's young girls. Apparently the absolutely worst insult you can get on the playground is "you're fat". My daughter has always been one of the tiniest kids in her class. Another girl -- who does have a weight problem -- called her fat one day and she came home in tears.

I'm a bit :scared2: that she would take this seriously, but she did. They clearly have some warped views of their own bodies and have absorbed the view of society in general that being fat is a crime of some sort even if she doesn't have a clear idea of what that means.

[Erink 0]

I have a 8 yearold girl and a 6 year old boy. I was outpatient. I told them mommy had to have surgury, so when I git back from he hosotal they had to be gentle with me and not jjump onmy lap. When they asked why I said sometime mommies need to have a pceddure after they have babies, told them it was nothing to worry about and left it at that. I will eventually tell them when they are old enough to understand.

[newhope4me 0]

My daughter is 12, and she is one of only 2 people who know. I am usually open with my kids (my boys are both grown and out of the house, i've told them i'm having a procedure, but not exactly what it is), and with her being at the age she is and all the publicity about body image, i didn't tell her i was having a "weight loss" procedure, but an operation that will help prevent me from suffering from the same things my grandparents and my mother suffer from because they are overweight.

when my kids were young, and i had day care in my home, no one was allowed to use the words "fat" or "skinny" as they are both negative words. my kids described people as big, or in shape. my daughter who has her dad's great metabolism and looks like a bean pole, recently came home crying because the girl down the street told her she was too skinny and her legs were too long. so, i have the media telling her she should be thin and others telling her she's too thin, its very hard, and i know its only going to get worse as she gets older. i told her as long as her legs reach from her butt to her feet, they are just the right length.

i want to feel more confident with myself for her as well as for myself, since she is nearing those wonderfully fun teen years. i think it will be a positive thing for us, for me to eat better and be healthier, which is what i've always tried to instill in them, healthy, not "skinny"

[Maya314 0]

I have two children.. I told my oldest that I was having surgery.. and my youngest just thinks I wasn't feeling well, My oldest mentioned when a friend of mine had surgery done that she was taking the easy way out. I have enough problems without worrying about what he thinks of me and having to worry that he would blurt my business out to anyone who remarks on my "shrinking" appearance. The only person in my family who knows is my Mother... and I'm hoping it stays that way.

[Blund 0]

The whole body image thing with girls is what I'm talking about On the outside, my girls (7yrs & 9yrs) seem to be fine with their body images. They are both thin. We also discourage the words "fat" and "skinny" to describe people. My girls have heard some negative comments from my mother-in-law (who is emaciated & frail) about overweight & overeating and that really pisses me off. My girls tell me I'm not fat, which is sweet of them! But what would they think if they new I had weight loss surgery if they dont think I'm overweight? I might just tell a white lie for now and call it hernia or gall bladder surgery because I DO want them to know why I am laid up for a while so they can help out. I have one friend who knows and my DH....although I'm worried that my DH has spilled it to his family. Just a gut feeling......

[bonniep 0]

It's been almost a month since I had my surgery. I opted not to tell my kids (son, age 16 and away at boarding school and daughter, age 20, away at college), because I wanted to get thru the surgery first and then, tell them in person. Last Sunday my husband and I visited our daughter at college. While having brunch, I told her about the surgery. Interestingly, I didn't have to explain what it is -- she already knew all about the lapband (she doesn't have weight issues). She was surprised that my husband and I were such good "liars," in that we told her I was away at a conference when I was at home, recovering. She seemed amused by that. Other than that, there were no repurcussions. She wasn't angry that I hadn't told her before the fact. I'll tell my son the next time he comes home, which is hard because this is ski season here in MA and he goes skiing with his school almost every weekend.

b.

[Bea1128 1]

I have girls too. I don't want them to think this is an option down the road and therefore they don't need to eat healthfully. My oldest has the potential to have a weight problem like me, but my youngest is rail thin. We don't say the "f - word" or "s-word" in my house either. Both have negative body connotations. I also don't want them to think I'm doing this for vanity. It's about my health and about being around as long as I can. And also due to the fact that I'm miserable and don't want to live like this any more. I will tell them something, but I'm not sure what yet. I might sit down with my oldest and get closer to the truth than I will with my youngest. I've been fighting this my whole life and like many of you have fought and fought and fought. I just need help and I'm finally asking for it. That was extremely hard for me.

As for my friends and family, I'm not sure who I'm going to tell. I really don't want to have to talk about this over and over again, but I have many friends who are trying to loose weight as well. If I end up loosing more than them, I don't want them to feel bad about themselves. Then if I don't tell them and they find out, they're going to be upset. I just don't want to have to explain myself constantly. I plan on talking about all of this during my psych eval, but it's really been bothering me. I'm excited and want to talk to someone, but at the same time, I don't want everyone at church to know either. I know there are a lot of people who won't understand and will think I'm taking the "easy way out". Unless you've been really, seriously overweight, I don't think you can even begin to comprehend the struggle that I've been through my whole life. I'm sure many of you can understand what I'm talking about. I want to just tell everyone I'm "cutting back" and exercising, but somehow that feels like a lie. I don't lie well. At what point can I be selfish and just keep it to myself? :thumbup:

[jnbwilds 0]

There have been a lot of threads on this forum about the "honesty" factor that have really, really surprised me. From this one - "did you tell your kids?" to "Does your spouse know how much you weigh?" and "What do you say when people notice you're losing?" and "Did you tell your friends & co-workers?", etc.

I've been surprised by how many people quite comfortably decieve and outright lie to their spouses, kids, co-workers, family, etc. I guess I can understand chosing to "not" tell someone based on it being inappropriate (for instance, not telling one's 3 year old...I didn't because he's too young to understand) or not telling someone because it's none of their business (like my neighbors, or other acquantainces who wouldn't really care anyway).

But what are we afraid of, or ashamed of, that we cannot be honest with our own loved ones? Yep, my husband knows how much I weigh (he wasn't shocked, he'd kind of guessed I was overweight, him seeing me in the buff from time to time). And yep, I told my 8 year old son I was having WLS because it led to a great conversation about eating and health and consequences (he is glad I had the surgery and checks how I'm doing every day by hugging me and seeing how far his arms can get around me). And furthermore, I told my friends, family and close co-workers. They've been interested, curious, supportive, prayerful, and generous to me. If any of them had been ugly or non-supportive, I guess that might be a sign of some lack of health in that relationship!

And I have absolutely never lied to someone who said, "Gosh, you look like you're losing weight! How are you doing it?" I say, "Thank you, I recently had lap band surgery and it is helping me do a much better job with healthy eating." I don't want to perpetuate the myth that "eating less and exercising more" will fix the seriously obese. Let's be honest - we all tried that before and either failed, or succeeded and then gained it back.

So, forgive my soap box, but let's surround each other with the courage to be honest. I wonder if we are all so used to society "shaming" us for being overweight, that we don't trust those around us not to "shame" us for seeking help!!