ACoA

[SweetCori 0]

Hi all. Wow. What a thread. I'm 34 y/o and my dad has 22 years sobriety. His older brother went into treatment shortly after him and has been sober ever since. Their dad, my Pop, has kidney issues due to alcohol, and his father died due to alcohol. So it definitely is in my family.

I was 12 and turned 13 while he was in treatment. Happy birthday Cori! As mentioned by Green, my house was full of parties and fighting. My mom was 14 and my dad was 22 when they got married. They were 5 months pregnant with lil ole me. So the odds were stacked against them from the get go. My lil bro and I both knew what beer was, pot and it's accessories, heck we even knew that the white stuff was used in one of the rooms and to stay out when it was. There was lots of fighting. Lots of verbal and emotional abuse. I don't think there was physical, but Mom has admitted in the past that it probably bordered on physical abuse. If my bro and I were woken up during a fight, we'd get up and get dressed and go get each other and be packed and ready to go if Mom walked out. As far as Dad's alcoholism, we never knew what kind of mood he'd be in when he came home from work. Starting at least half an hour before he'd get home, we'd all change our mood and just sit waiting to see how he was going to be. Whether we could have fun or not. I've never been a Daddy's girl. I was always jealous of the girls who had that special relationship with their Dad. I've always loved my dad but I hated him for a very long time. 2 weeks before he went into treatment, he left us. I saw him a couple times and it was very hard. Then his work said either he got treatment or he was going to lose his job.

While my dad was in treatment, in order to see him, we had to attend a program of our own. At the time, they only had Al-Anon and Growing Tree (for kids 11 and under). I went to Al-Anon one week with my mom, but I was 12 years old. Everyone there was in their upper teens or adults. They couldn't relate with me. So after that I went to the Growing Tree with my lil bro. But yet again, I was too old for that. So I mostly was like a helper with their activities. I didn't have any counseling of my own. After Dad got out of treatment, we stopped doing anything. So I never really dealt with my feelings about his alcoholism. He still scared me for many years. At times, I still have that feeling. Even though I know he'd do anything in the world for me. While he was in treatment, was the first time he told me he loved me. I still have the letter. Mom and Dad's relationship improved over time. Their 35th anniversary is in June. They're happy. And the fact that he was in treatment seems to be a thing of the past.

I will say that because I never dealt with my issues about my dad's alcoholism back when I was a kid, it had definitely affected me later in life. I have Cerebral Palsy. I just basically walk funny. I use crutches now and then if I need some added support. No big deal. I've always had a weight problem. I've always had a problem with depression. But because of the kind of house I grew up in, everything was kept to just the family. So a bright, happy smile was always on my face, no matter how horrible I felt. When I was 22, I had moved into my best friend's apartment, a couple hours away. One extremely depressing, lonely night, I considered suicide. I didnt do it, obviously. But it was my lowest of lows. After a few days of not being able to put a smile on at all, and my best friend being worried, I finally called Mom and Dad to tell them. Mom answered and got mad and tossed the phone to Dad. He and I have never really been able to talk. We've had maybe a 3 heart to hearts ever. We talked for over an hour, and I told him how I blamed myself all these years for his alcoholism. "If he hadn't met my mom when she was so young, and if she hadn't gotten pregnant with me. If I hadn't been born with a handicap." I felt his alcoholism stemmed from all that. Even though I knew our family history. He said it was by no means my fault. I believed him, but to this day, part of me feels like it is.

When I got a little older I did start dating someone for about 10 months who had been sober a while and still attended AA meetings, so I started going to Al-Anon while he was in another room with AA. I'll admit, it helped me then. I stopped going to meetings when I broke up with my ex.

I know my depression and weight gain is due to lots and lots of issues but I think a core part of it was my dad's alcoholism. Even though he's made amends in his own ways, the feelings are still there.

The main thing I got from it was that I didn't have my first drink until I was 21. And even though my brother and I know how to party and can get pretty drunk (definitely a thing of the past for me now!). Neither of us made a habit of it. I maybe have drank 6 times a year, 1 big blowout.

Wow, what a ramble. I hope you don't mind me going all over the place.