Should I stay or should I go?

[jdarrwest 0]

Its been a while snce I've been here. I am looking for some neutral advice. I think I'm on the verge of leaving my husband. I am sick to death of the arguing, bickering, accusations, etc. Contrary to popular belief, this did not start after my surgery, its been going on for some time. I thought loosing weight would change things but it really hasn't. My husband is a hard working man. He does not go to clubs or bars. He's home every night. He doesn't hang out with other guys and drink and because of those things he thinks he's husband of the year. He does zero to help out around the house (also 7 horses), zero with our daughter and zero with me (unless he wants sex). I can't remember the last time we said we loved each other. I have such resentment for things he's done and said over the years. For my b-day I got forks and spoons and for Christmas I got a gun safe. If I leave I know he will swear I have been having an affair which he told me that he knows I've done so 6 other times which is completely untrue. I'm worried of what he will tell our daughter in an effort to turn her against me. I dread starting over and sometimes just go with the flow because the thought of packing things up and moving out seem so drastic. I think I have done all I can do. ANy great suggestions? I thought one day the light bulb would go off in his head because I do love him but it has just gotten to the point that I can't take it anymore. Tired of being accused of screwing people. Tired of his smart ass mouth. There is much more to this story but I didn't want to bore anyone. I will say that he has never hit me but is very good at verbal abuse..though he doesn't see it that way.....I swear he is bipolar because he is a total ass one minute and nice the next. Any great advice from you guys out there?

[steph_co 9]

I would strongly recommend you get yourself to a counselor. Then you have somebody that you can bounce your thoughts off of and get professional feedback. It can help to work through your feelings and clear your head so that YOU know what would be best for you so that you have strength in your convictions and the strength to do what needs to be done. Would he be willing to go to a counselor with you?

In the past, I probably would have said, "Just leave the jerk." But I'm coming to see that marriage can take a lot of work sometimes. Who knows? Maybe his problem can be corrected and you two can go on to have a happy marriage together? Sometimes guys aren't the best at communicating feelings. Maybe he's just scared that you're too good for him, hence the affair comments. If you get a counselor, they would be able to give you more input about the situation since they've probably dealt with it more.

I will add this, though - I do not think abuse is "okay." If it truly is getting to the point of demoralizing your character and you've talked to him about it so he understands how what he says affects you and it continues - then yes, it may be time to move on. Make sure if you leave that you have support from friends and/or family because it can make the journey easier and safer.

And as much as it sucks, you can't control what kind of crap he would end up telling your daughter about you. When she gets old enough to understand adult things, she'll figure things out. Do you really want to run the risk, though, that when she gets older (but still living at home) that he'd start emotionally/verbally abusing her?

[Marimaru 7]

How old is your daughter? My parents' divorce was very difficult on me, but one of the things that helped the most, was that before my mom left, she took me out to dinner, sat me down, and told me she was leaving. I was 8 or 9 at the time. She was going to leave it at that, but when I demanded an answer, she laid it all out for me. To be completely honest, I do not remember this conversation, I guess I blocked it out or something, but hearing about it did a lot to explain why I wasn't surprised to come home from school and find the power to be off, etc (dad had/has issue with bouncing checks, paying bills, etc). If your daughter is old enough/mature enough, you can just tell her straight out that you are tired of being accused of something you have never and would never do.

I think counseling goes a long way for people that don't realize they are treating people a certain way, but the other person has to A) be willing to go and be willing to listen. If a person is treating a certain way on purpose... well, I think it's harder to change their mind.

[sfeiner 2]

I agree with everything in both of the letters above. Sorry things are going so badly. By the time I lift my husband I had no feelings for him. Didn't even hate him...Just numb. I'm not numb anymore but still have absolutely no feeling for him except as the father of my children. I see him several times a year when our whole family gets together and he is like a stranger. I'm so glad I left but it took me 37 yrs. Don't waste your life if something has to be done. Start figuring out now what you have to do.

[green 6]

You should go to counselling in order to figure out whether you want to save the marriage or leave. Whatever your choice may be counselling will help you handle your decision wisely. Good luck to you.

[travelgirl 3]

You said yourself that you love him, and love is a very powerful emotion, and it can get us through the hardest trials. If you really do love him, don't give up until you've at least tried councelling. Even if he won't agree to go, it can help to talk to someone about it. I know that's why you're here, but it's not the same as talking face to face with someone, and who knows, maybe your husband will agree to try, if he understands how serious the situation is becoming.

[jdarrwest 0]

Thanks you for all your encouragement. Unfortunately, I have suggested counseling several times which he says he won't go because he knows I will just find someone who will side with me and even though I suggest he find someone himself, he won't. My daughter is six years old and she gets to hear him constantly accuse me of affairs and downing me. I tell her that I don't ever want her to think its okay to be talked to that way and I insist my husband not talk infront of her thant way. I wonder if it really is love anymore or just so use to this life I'm scared of change. I've stayed this long because I want to know I've tried everything to save this marriage but I'm to the point I don't care anymore. THanks again for your kind words!

[healthyagain 0]

I'd come right out and tell him he is not to spek to you that way. Especially not in front of your daughter and let him know firmly that if it happens again you will be asking him to leave the house. I would stick to it too. If he refuses to leave you should take your daughter and leave. Once he knows you mean business he might just change his ways. This worked for me. Unfortunately, by the time I decided to take such drastic action, I had lost all respect for him and didn't want him back even after he changed his behavior. I guess this is where true love comes into play. Maybe I just didn't feel it.

[travelgirl 3]

If he won't go, then go to councelling yourself. And tell him that you're trying to save your marriage. Suggesting it to him, and then not going yourself WITHOUT him tells him you're not really serious about it. Go anyway.

[badonkadonkbutt 1]

I understand what you are going thru jdarrwest....as a matter of fact our stories are so close it scares me. I am dealing with the same types of things....I have 5 horses and 3 kids to deal with on top of him. We tried the counseling thing. The first time, he literally told the counselor what a waste of his time it was. That is when I gave up. I went numb.....I am still with my husband but I am sure it is not going to be for long and like you, there are a lot of reasons why that I am not discussing here but I would be happy to share with you if you think it may help, just PM me. After I gave up, I stopped going out of my way to make life easier for him. I made him be responsible for himself; I let him 'forget' things that I made sure I reminded him of, I let him do his own laundry, pack his lunches, I even began leaving him out of plans with the kids. He always acted like he didn't want to be there anyway and would ruin our fun time every time by complaining the whole time we were out of the house so why bring him? Why haven't I left yet....I know that he talks negatively to me and accuses me of having an affair (ya right...in my spare time) but he doesn't do it to the kids or else I would be gone. I guess my biggest reason is that I know if I leave I can't afford the horses and the dogs and the kids all on my own and I feel like I have sacrificed enough, why should I give all that I love up. I am waiting till the time is right; till I can leave without completely upseting my childrens world. I do still love my husband, but only as the father of my children. The true love is gone from our marriage. I don't see how that can come back. The sad part....he is trying. He said he wanted to go to counseling again and we did for a few sessions. He just denied that anything was wrong in our marriage and if it was wrong, it was my fault. I didn't even really care I guess....I have fought so much over the years, it is easier to let it roll off my shoulder than get upset about it anymore.

Just know that you are not alone. We have a lot in common right down to the ponies we love! Feel free to PM me and we can chat sometime! Just hang in there!

[green 6]

I don't think that you should even think about joint counselling at this time. You did offer him the option and he refused. Now you should do this for your own well-being. Trust me, counselling can be a useful tool when you are in a situation like this. You have all my thoughts and sympathy, girl.

[Wheetsin 714]

Aside from the thing with the daughter, and absence of emotion, he sounds like your typical clueless guy.

If you are questioning whether or not you love someone, after a long time, you probably don't love them.

If he refuses to go to counseling, he is in a sense refusing to do his part to make things better.

At which time it's up to you whether or not what you have is worth carrying the entire weight of what's happening.

A very neutral way to look at it is to post all of your pros for him and the relationship, and then post the cons. In a good relationship, cons should never outnumber the pros.

People truly do just grow apart. We all grow, every single one of us, constantly. Sometimes you can grow like this || and things stay strong. Sometimes you can grow / and the difference is too much to overcome.

[GreenChrysalis 1]

Definitely I think you should seek counseling on your own. Getting that third party perspective can help you figure out what is best for you and for your daughter. I can't imagine any situation where it is acceptable to accuse you of having affairs in front of your child. And I do have to agree that his refusal to see a counselor (even one that he picks himself) says a lot about how much he's willing to work on your marriage. They certainly do take work. I have been married for 12 years and we started counseling at the end of last year to work on some issues.

[travelgirl 3]

Aside from the thing with the daughter, and absence of emotion, he sounds like your typical clueless guy.

If you are questioning whether or not you love someone, after a long time, you probably don't love them.

If he refuses to go to counseling, he is in a sense refusing to do his part to make things better.

At which time it's up to you whether or not what you have is worth carrying the entire weight of what's happening.

A very neutral way to look at it is to post all of your pros for him and the relationship, and then post the cons. In a good relationship, cons should never outnumber the pros.

People truly do just grow apart. We all grow, every single one of us, constantly. Sometimes you can grow like this || and things stay strong. Sometimes you can grow / and the difference is too much to overcome.

Well said, Wheetsin.

[Marimaru 7]

My mom likened relationships to growing vines. She said in a good relationship the vines intertwine basically equally, sometimes one vine will go straight, and the other will have to wrap around it, but other times it's the other way around. She said her relationship with my dad (and I've seen this in relationships I've been in before now) his vine grew straight and her vine was responsible for doing all the wrapping around to support it. It's a very visual metaphor, I hope it makes sense like this.

I went to counseling for about 2 years to get over lots of issues instilled in me by my childhood. I can tell you that what my counselor did for me was validate a lot of my feelings and reactions. She explained that it was okay and normal for me to be angry about the things I was angry about. That meant a lot to me, because for most of my childhood I was told to "get over it". I was told here that I was allowed to be angry, and I was allowed to tell people I was angry and that things weren't ok. Anyway, if you find a good counselor, they will be able to validate your feelings, and they will also give you different ways to see things (better or worse).

And please don't see counseling as a weakness. I can honestly say I've never met anyone who couldn't use a good counselor. :rolleyes2: