Nosy family members + my dating life = mortification

[secretstolen 4]

I met a guy the week before my lap-band surgery. He's a close friend of someone I was casual friends with in high school. He's a year older than me and he's a total gentleman. When I met him, I figured I had nothing to lose and I wasn't looking for a relationship so I told him I thought he was cute. We exchanged numbers and a week after my surgery, we went on our first date. Since then, we've gone out 4 times and we talk on a regular basis.

On our first date, we talked briefly about our last relationships. He was dating a girl for 5 years and they were living together when he discovered she was cheating on him. The break-up happened last spring. I had just broken up in November with a guy that I was with for a year who moved in with another woman and got her pregnant during the duration of our relationship. Finding out all that is what initiated the break-up. Both of us agreed that we weren't looking for new relationships, but because we had such a great time together he suggested that we take things very slow and get to know each other as friends first and let a relationship just naturally happen. I thought it sounded like a great idea.

On our third date, we were walking through a residential area of downtown, looking all the pretty historical houses, when he said to me, "I really enjoy spending time with you." I blushed. Then he said, "I know we agreed to take things slow. I just feel like I've messed things up in past relationships by rushing and not being friends first, and I want to do things right this time. I think you deserve that." That pretty much sealed the deal for me: I'm totally crazy about him. Still, we agreed to just stay friends and let things happen on their own.

So, we happen to go to the same gym. I had been considering joining this branch of Gold's Gym when we first started dating because my mom was raving about how much she loved it and how she had signed up for a membership. One conversation he and I had was about working out and I admitted that I didn't want to join that particular gym in case he felt uncomfortable running into me there. He assured me that he wouldn't feel that way at all. "I think it would be cool! You could come say hi if you saw me!" After he asked me a week later if I was going to join, I decided to go ahead and take the plunge.

On Friday, I got there after work and noticed my crush on a treadmill next to my step-father and my mother. What a coincidence, huh? I hadn't introduced them and I hadn't planned on doing that for a while, figuring that if we ever did end up in a relationship it would be more appropriate then. I worked out on an elliptical for a little while and when I finished, my mom was the only one left on the treadmills. We talked for a moment and she asked me, "Have you seen that guy friend of yours?" and I replied, "Yeah. He was on the treadmill next to [my step-father]." My mom asked if I had talked to him yet and I said, "Nah, not yet. I figure I'll catch up with him later. I don't want to interrupt him." I figured I had kept things vague enough. I hadn't pointed him out or anything.

Later Friday evening, I got a call from my crush. He was laughing but he called to tell me that he met my mom and my step-father. Apparently while I was in another area of the gym, out of sight, he was back on a treadmill finishing up his work-out when my step-father approached him to ask, "Are you the guy dating [secretstolen]?" and when my crush replied that yeah, that was him, my step-father told him, "I think you need to turn the treadmill off so we can have a little talk." How humiliating. How embarassing. I was so sorry and while he laughed and told it like a funny story, I kept telling him how sorry I was for the fact that they had done that. He said, "Don't worry about it! It's fine. It's kinda funny, really." Still, I was incredibly embarassed.

I called my mom Friday night and asked her what she thought she was doing, letting my step-father approach him like that. My mom believes that she was just being friendly and no harm was done. I tried to explain to her, "He and I are not formally dating. We are not boyfriend and girlfriend. It's just a friendship thing right now. When it was appropriate, I planned on introducing you guys. Don't you think I should have at least been there to mediate the situation? Do you realize how uncomfortable that might have been? He's laughing about it and reassuring me that everything's cool, but I'm angry that you did that because it's pretty disrespectful to me as a grown woman." She said I was being irrational and she hung up on me.

*Sigh*

I tried to figure that things were cool. My crush and I talked Friday night before we both went to bed and it was a cool, fun conversation. No worries there. I thanked him for being so understanding of everything at the gym and he assured me, "Hun, it's no problem. Really." I went to bed feeling okay with what happened.

Then, today, my mom and my step-father are at it again. This time, they get to the gym and they spot my crush on a piece of cardio equipment. They're walking by and they wave to him and he doesn't return the wave or say hello. My mom called to tell me about it, insisting that my crush is rude and that he dissed them. I tried to rationalize with her that most likely, he was just not aware that they were there. Hell, I passed him on the treadmill the day before and although we've been out on 4 dates, he didn't outright notice or recognize me. I told her I was sure it was nothing personal. Still, the whole point of the call was for her to tell me that my step-father thinks he's rude.

I called my crush today and was like, "I really feel bad about my mom and my step-father. They're idiots, really. If they make you uncomfortable or anything, please let me know. You're a nice guy and I don't think you'd be the type to come out and say so, but I hope that you'll let me know if they do." I explained what my mom had said and he interrupted me to say, "Honestly, I didn't even see them. I was watching a movie on my iPod and I wasn't paying attention to much else. Please tell them that if I offended them or insulted them, I certainly didn't mean it and I'm sorry." I felt bad then because I didn't want him to apologize. I really wanted to go bash pinatas in the likenesses of my mother and my step-father for being nosy in my life, but make him feel bad? No, never. I explained that and he said, "Here's what we'll do: I'll be polite and friendly with them, and that's no problem. If they ever do offend me or cross a line with me, I will come and talk to you about it. That sound like a plan?" and I agreed it was cool. He assured me that he wasn't weirded out by them and that I shouldn't be sorry about it.

So, I've gotten about 4 different opinions from friends. Both of my girl friends say that the fact that we've since then talked on the phone and sent text messages back and forth - with him initiating - is a good thing. "If he was uncomfortable, he wouldn't be calling you." Both of my guy friends say that guys deal with that on a regular basis. Guys are used to a girl's parents confronting them or intimidating them and it's expected to some degree. They also said, "If he likes you enough, your mom and step-father aren't going to stop him from liking you."

(Oh and I've already decided I'm going to pretend it never even happened and not mention it ever again. I've apologized, we've agreed that we'll talk about it if it becomes a problem for him, and that's that.)

I'm sure that everything's cool, really. I'm just still mad with my mom and my step-father for doing that. I called my mom tonight and explained what he told me about how he hadn't even seen them. She was flippant with me on the phone and the conversation was short. I don't want to offend her and make her think that I don't want her in my life, but at the same time, I'm 23 years old and I haven't lived at home for 2 years. I'm not even formally dating this guy. Neither of us had talked about introducing our parents into this and I felt that it was way too soon to have him meet mine, anyway. I mean, we just met each other's friends this past week.

I just don't know what to say to my mom or my step-father to have them understand that although my crush isn't mad about it, I am. They should have been more respectful of my private life to not intrude on it like they did. My mom, especially, should have known better than to say anything to my step-father since I've asked her repeatedly not to talk about my dating life with him. I told her tonight on the phone, "I have to censor everything I tell you now. I can't confide in you like I should be able to because I don't know what will come from it." She wasn't really hearing any of it. Instead, she rushed me off the phone and was like, "Okay, okay, bye! I've gotta go! Bye!"

Argh. I don't know whether I'm over-reacting to this.

[greeneyez 3]

Hey secret,

I don't think you are overreacting, but it certainly seems like you are fallin' in lurve - would you be so upset if you were just friends? Hee hee

[secretstolen 4]

Hey secret,

I don't think you are overreacting, but it certainly seems like you are fallin' in lurve - would you be so upset if you were just friends? Hee hee

Heehee! If we only ended up as friends, I would be satisfied with that. I mean, I've got feelings for him and I really like him. He's just such a great guy. If we were only friends, I'd settle for that, just having him in my life in some capacity.

(However, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it goes past friendship.. he's just so awesome. During our last date on Wednesday, we were hanging out after bowling in this diner in a corner booth, all 6 of us packed in, and I was drinking my iced tea and he was sitting beside me. I looked over at him and had to resist from grabbing his face and just giving him goofy little smooches all over 'cause he was so adorable and so sweet to me all night.. but man, did I want to!)

[greeneyez 3]

I'm so happy for you, he sounds like a great guy!

[Kittenqutie 0]

Okay if I were you and that happened I would just die of embarassment:eek:. I would be soooooo MAD:mad: at my mother and step father. . .UGH!!! But on the bright side you Mr. P. is still calling and going places with you. I definately thing you will past the friend realm and look back on this and laugh:lol:. Its one of those stories you tell your grandkids one day and go "remember when we first started dating. . . "

Congrats on your journey into Bandland, my surgery is scheduled for Feb 5th wish me luck!!

Take care and I will be checking your blog for updates:biggrin:

[secretstolen 4]

greeneyez: Thanks! I call him "a potential Lloyd Dobler." Heehee!

Kittenqutie: I haven't heard from him today. He spent time with his parents last night and we only talked for a couple of minutes around 9:30 or so. I haven't heard from him today and I'm not going to the gym today, either, so no chance of seeing him. I'm hoping he'll send me a text message tomorrow or something to initiate a conversation. Call me paranoid and stupid, but I'm still worried that my mom and step-father scared him off. I guess we'll see. As for your lap band surgery, that's awesome! Good luck with everything. You're going to do just fine. Mine, in retrospect, was a breeze and I'm so happy I had it done.

[sfeiner 2]

I think you over re-acted a bit and apologizing for your parents wasn't necessary since he seemed to think it was fine and wasn't upset about it. I think mom is being short with you because she doesn't want to get into it again with you. Being a Mom, I know that some times you just can't win with your kids. If you aren't real involved in their life they think you are ignoring them, or care more for little sister or whatever. And if you are involved you're meddleing. It all gets straightened out when you become parents yourself. If you keep making a big deal out of it you will drive them all away. So loosen up and make nice.

[secretstolen 4]

I think you over re-acted a bit and apologizing for your parents wasn't necessary since he seemed to think it was fine and wasn't upset about it. I think mom is being short with you because she doesn't want to get into it again with you. Being a Mom, I know that some times you just can't win with your kids. If you aren't real involved in their life they think you are ignoring them, or care more for little sister or whatever. And if you are involved you're meddleing. It all gets straightened out when you become parents yourself. If you keep making a big deal out of it you will drive them all away. So loosen up and make nice.

Well, for one thing, my mother isn't involved in my life very much. After my father died 3 years ago, she remarried and asked me to move out so that they could have privacy. She and I see each other rarely. We talk on a semi-regular basis but it's only during work hours because she spends her afternoons, evenings, and weekends with her husband. We don't meet for lunch or go shopping or girl-talk like mothers and daughters do. So this is not an issue of, "Oh, that mother of mine! Always meddling in my life! Oh boy!"

Two years ago, I was dating someone who broke up with me for a girl he met online and when I told my mother about it, she ran her mouth to my step-father. Days later in an argument with him, he used it as ammunition against me and called me derogatory names and teased me. I established from that moment on that if I spoke to my mother about anything, it would be vague and she was not to carry information to my step-father. I didn't want to run the risk of having confrontations with him or giving him fuel to add to the fire, so to speak. I'm also not close with my step-father. He and I have a volatile relationship but we somehow manage to be civil to one another to keep the peace. The fact that he approached this guy makes me angry because (1) It was not his place to say anything, (2) He is not my father, and (3) I do not share details about my social life or my dating life with him so I know that my mother is carrying tales.

Since I'm not a parent, I'll ask you:

Considering what I've typed, would you have done to your son or daughter what my mom did to me?

It would have been one thing if my mom and my step-father had approached my crush and I in the middle of a conversation to say hello. That would have been fine. However, they chose to confront him while he was running on a treadmill, without ever having met him before, while I was nowhere in sight, and by intimidating him by saying, "Turn the treadmill off so we can have a little talk." In my opinion, that's crossing a line and being blatantly disrespectful of my wishes and my privacy.

[sfeiner 2]

No, I sure wouldn't have interupted him on the treadmill. I agree they were rude. I also think you over reacted a bit. It didn't seem to have bothered the crush. Maybe he really likes you a lot asnd was happy to meet the parents. If you keep going on and on about it, he may think you're too critical of other people.

[secretstolen 4]

No, I sure wouldn't have interupted him on the treadmill. I agree they were rude. I also think you over reacted a bit. It didn't seem to have bothered the crush. Maybe he really likes you a lot asnd was happy to meet the parents. If you keep going on and on about it, he may think you're too critical of other people.

Yeah, he was really cool about it, and that's great.

It just bothers me. That's the problem.

And that's why I'm venting here.. 'cause I'd rather take the chance of looking like an over-dramatic wench on a message board than say something to my mother or my crush about it.

But thank you for your insight. The friends I talked to aren't parents, so I know from a parent's point of view it's entirely different. Thanks for your advice. Every little bit helps, y'know?

[ugagirl 0]

Hey there-

I would have been mortified as well. You sound like a pretty independent person, much like myself, and if my parents got involved in my personal life it would be a major issue. Thankfully they are respectful to both my brother and myself and do not get involved in our dating lives until we initiate it through introductions and such. In fact, my brother is dating my parents next door neighbor and they didn't know for months if it was just a friendship or a dating relationship and they didn't press him about it.

I love that you describe your crush as a potential Lloyd Dobler! That is definitely the type of guy I go for as well. Best of luck...he sounds like a great guy.

[snowbird 2]

I wouldn't bother trying to explain anything to your mom and stepdad. Obviously they are going to do what they want with no regard for your feelings. I also wouldn't mention it again to your potential honey; your mom and sd are adults too, and you are not responsible for their actions. He knows you didn't put them up to it and have asked them not to butt into the part of your life with him, and it sounds like he doesn't hold you responsible, so chill. Parents are annoying sometimes; my mom is 95 and still says things occasionally that push my buttons. I understand your mortification, but it sounds as though your guy is cool with it, so let it go. Someday it will just be a funny story the two of you tell to friends.

[jasmona1214 0]

I guess I have a question, make that 2 why do our parents[step or otherwise] feel as though they can treat us as children forever and why do we take crap from them that we would never take from our friends. Just wondering!

[Kittenqutie 0]

I am not worried at all that your Mr. P. (Mr. Perfect aka Lloyd D.) will be getting in touch with you he sounds very interested. And further reading about your 'rents lets me know that its a strained relationship (you & the 'rents) from the start so this incident was just another log to add to the already burning fire. Unfortunately we cannot pick our families thats why Gog gave us friends (and message boards;-)

Thanks for the kind words about my surgery I must admit I am happy and very excited but TOTALLY scared at the same time. . .does that sound weird?? I'll keep you posted and please let me know when you and your crush take the next step;-)

[mrspruett 0]

secretstolen- I have a 20 yr old daughter and no, I would never disrespect her like your mom and stepdad disrespected you!