Losing weight.......and friends

[essieburton 0]

I two have been ridiculed by my younger brother and sister, (both are tall and thin) it got to me at times. I have my first consultation on 1-23-2008. Currently weighing in at 260 lbs, 5'7 inches tall. But for the most part it sounds like they are jealous on the part of your mother and sister.

[faithmd 14]

I wonder if I will lose friends (don't have many to begin with, though :smile: ) as I lose weight. I chose not to tell many people because I do not want the food police or people constantly asking how I am doing, etc.

I just saw a friend (last night) who had moved away (back to her home state) for a year and now she's back in my area on an assignment. She doesn't know I've had the band, she didn't know I had lost weight prior to the band, either. We didn't exchange any pictures in that year. She's a plus-size woman as well. Probably a 20 or a 22.

I have lost about 65 lbs and a couple of sizes since she last laid eyes on me. I don't see my own weight loss, but everyone around me (and they don't know about the surgery) comments on it.

She hasn't said a word.

Now I am sort of mildly sad that a) she hasn't said anything-though I don't need validation, it still is nice to hear, and b)maybe I haven't lost as much as I thought, or maybe it isn't as noticeable as everyone says.

She does look like she's gained at least 20 lbs since she left, I wonder if that's got something to do with it.

[PigsRFlying 0]

I have a strong feeling that she noticed just isn't going to say. That is how my friend would be too!

[snowbird 2]

Personally, I think my mother is one of the, if not THE main reason why I over eat and have always had a weight problem. So it's unrealsitic of me to look for support from that quarter.

But it still hurts. My beautiful, brilliant daughter is almost my size and is already having knee and back problems. I would cut my tongue out before I'd say anything about her weight. She is a wonderful, generous person and good to her parents and siblings. I feel somehow responsible for her being overweight--on the other hand, she has a great husband and social life, and is a very happy person. We are friends as well as mother and daughter. Well, sorry to ramble on---guess the moral here is to focus on those who wish you well, and ignore the comments of the rest.

poodlecamper,

My daughter is 26. Eighteen months ago she was 318 lb and had multiple health and joint problems. I called her up and asked her if she would be interested in being banded if I helped her pay for it (her insurance did not cover it at all). She was thrilled and was banded in Mexico in October 2006, and has lost 120 lb so far. I tried not to sound judgmental when I called her, just asked her casually if she had thought of the procedure. I am so glad now that I did, as she has used the feeling of accomplishment from her weight loss to make some other major changes in her life. She never would have really considered checking into lap band unless I had offered to help her.

My point is that it might help your daughter to discuss banding if you haven't already done so. You don't have to be hurtful or judge her, and could even mention that you feel somewhat responsible. She might appreciate an open discussion with her mother and her friend.

[LDNurse 0]

Faithmd, I'm sure your friend noticed that you had lost weight, it was probably just hard for her, because she hasn't. Maybe she was just jealous. I'll be the first to admit that I was jealous of my two friends when the got their bands before I did. But I was still supportive. I still told them how good they looked. They do look good. I just wanted that for myself too. But, they never rubbed their weight loss in my face either. They were supportive of me--And now we're all gonna get t-shirts made that says "WE're with the Band!"

:welldoneclap:

[poodlecamper 0]

poodlecamper,

My point is that it might help your daughter to discuss banding if you haven't already done so. You don't have to be hurtful or judge her, and could even mention that you feel somewhat responsible. She might appreciate an open discussion with her mother and her friend.

After I have my band done (Tuesday) and I start to lose---I might broach it with her. She eats a very healthy diet and exercises regularly, but then adds the junk food. And one of their hobbies is making beer !!:welldoneclap:

We all know it's a big life-decision---took me years to make up my mind.

Carol

[georgia girl 35]

Faithmd,

I'm sure you're friend noticed too, I mean 65 lbs is AMAZING! Jealously may not be the problem. I know I have always been self-conscious about my weight. And many times I noticed people losing weight and didn't say anything either. And it wasn't jealousy at all. I think I was just so ashamed of being fat and letting myself get that way, that I didn't want to bring it up. In my mind, I felt like they were probably thinking "Why aren't you trying to lose some weight". I hated feeling that way and it wasn't fair to the people that were losing weight.

I never wanted to even discuss weight with anyone in fear that someone would say something about my weight or give me "the look" (you know, when someone looks you up and down and you can tell by their facial expressions that they are disgusted). Maybe that sounds crazy, but it's possible she just feels ashamed. I'm not saying that is an excuse, but I remember how ashamed I was about my own weight.

[snowbird 2]

After I have my band done (Tuesday) and I start to lose---I might broach it with her. She eats a very healthy diet and exercises regularly, but then adds the junk food. And one of their hobbies is making beer !!:welldoneclap:

We all know it's a big life-decision---took me years to make up my mind.

Carol

No kidding. Before I was banded I was ready to tell everyone how great it was. Now, while I feel it was right for me, I know firsthand that you have to be personally committed to making it work for you. Now I will share my experience, but wouldn't tell anyone "you should do this!"

[gretchens4 0]

Now that I've lost almost 80 pounds, I've noticed it's almost awkward when someone doesn't say something. There seem to be many different reasons though. For some it is b/c they feel like it's rude to say something about a person's weight. I have noticed that almost everyone says something in the past month b/c it's much more dramatic, and now I'm lower than they've ever seen me. I don't really have any overweight friends, but I notice those who are more competitive with me in general (about my kids' sports, school etc) are the ones less likely to say something. It's really interesting b/c I could almost tell my husband in advance who will say something nice, and who will say nothing...........it's a very interesting phenmenon. In my case it has never been about jealousy of the actual weight loss b/c the people I'm thinking of are thin. No one knows I got the lapband either b/c I didn't want any judgements.

[oreokitty 0]

I had a family get together

My sister that weighs close to or over 400lbs she told me how how horriable I looked my boobs are hanging and on and on.

I have lost 80 lbs I still have 50lbs to go

Why couldnt she say O my you are looking good or say nothing at all.

She always dresses sloppy and never looks "good" so a comment like that jabbed me in my heart I was thinking wow I must look horriable

My husband tried to encouarge me saying she is just jeolous

But it still hurts deep down that is my sister we were there for each other for 30 years thru good and bad and she can not support m ethru this.

[ashabama 1]

I share my success so hopefully some of them decide to have it done. One of my cousin whom is bigger than I was when I started this journey is already scheduled to attend a seminar. I am not gonna hide my happiness of the success I have had. If I offend someone by it's only because of their jealousy and insecurity!! We're poteintally saving our lives here how can you turn your back on someone who made a life changing decision and underwent MAJOR surgery? I just think those people whom turned their back are selfish and cold and she didn't need them anyway even though they were family. I wouldn't call that a mother! You can't be heartless and be a mom it's impossible it your a heartless mom you were only an incubator!! I pray for the girl and her family because that's horrible!!

[poodlecamper 0]

I had a family get together

My sister that weighs close to or over 400lbs she told me how how horriable I looked my boobs are hanging and on and on.

If I can offer any support, it would be that you are not alone with your hurt feelings and your mean, unsupportive family members. Being related is no guarantee of getting what you need from people, although it sure hurts more!!

Today, my BF called, will see me postop (she works there) and asked if I needed anything. Phone calls from my Mom ? "0" My kids and DH are excited for me.

When I told her I had gotten my surgery date, her very first comment was :"You'll have all that saggy skin". You get the picture. Jab jab jab. My Mom has only been maybe up to a size 16 at her biggest. Well, I digress---but you're doing great and your sister most likely wishes she had done what you are doing. The feelings of regret may be overriding her true feelings of affection for you. That'll be $100.00 please LOL:wink:

Keep up the good work.

Carol

[VegasGrace 1]

Nah, I don't buy that a bit. Her sharing her success caused the loss of friends. That's what friends do!

What caused the friends to take off is: COMPETITION.

They are no longer the skinny ones, the pretty ones, the attractive ones. They felt comfortable being seen w/ someone larger than they were.

So, they really weren't her friends!

[kiah12 0]

I, too, saw this show. My dad called and told me to watch it. My parents and DH have been extremely supportive of me, however, my sister has been less than supportive and has flat out said she didn't approve. I don't believe that woman on RR was being overy bragadocious as Im sure others can be at times. She was happy with her accomplishments and processing everything. What happened is that could no longer be defined as "the fat one"and that can be intimidating to those who have to keep others in a box or lower than in their minds to make themselves feel better. I know I lost friends after I got married and had kids. Not because I isolated them. I made a concerted effort to have them in my life, but they chose not to be apart of it. Same with having children and even when we decided I should become as stay at home mom. You never know what people's motivation is.

I suggest that while we dont brag, we should be happy in our weight loss efforts and ACCOMPLISHMENTS! Its important to us. And if others can not be supportive then watch out for toxic people. Just because you are related doesn't mean they aren't toxic.

[Kat817 19]

I found one friend who looked apparently at life as a competition. The 3 of us were friends for many, many years, we raised our kids together. When my other heavy friend and I divorced, she said she would never, EVER divorce her childrens father. She has dealt with his infidelity, her own, and a very emotionally abusive marriage for well over 25 years now. Through it all, she remained the slim, tiny one---as are her Mom, Dad, and both sisters---none of them are big.

Well the other friend and I have both been banded now. I have had more success than my friend for whatever reasons...nothing she can control it seems---and the thin friend has nothing nice to say to either of us!!! She talks behind our backs---told anyone and everyone we were banded, like it mattered!

The real kicker is she has now found religion, and found new friends, who understand how important marriage vows etc. are. Both of her new friends are big...

I am not anti religion---just pointing out where she went with her holier than thou attitude.

Long before being banded I too had an "A" type of friend. She starved and diet pilled her way to being thin. And that was all we could talk about. Her weight---what she ate, what she didn't eat----NOTHING could not be turned around to her weight again! I was trying to lose too, so wanted her to go walking with me, she could not be bothered, she preferred to pop pills. Now the only way she maintains is to drink--hard alcohol---it makes her tired, so she sleeps, and doesn't eat. I should have known then she was not my friend!! Ended up she is now hooked up with my ex husband--just takes me awhile sometimes!!

Long before that even, the woman next door began slimming suddenly. Drastically! I finally ask her if she was ok, she said then she had had bypass surgery for WL. She lost down to maybe a size 8-10. I told her often back then how great she looked. She has some issues now with nutrition as we get older! But she still looks great, she never threw it in anyones face, and is constantly telling me how good I look. She did not push anyone away.

I agree it is wonderful to have this site so we can obssess over things without having to subject those unbanded to our overactive thought proccesses involved in it!!!

Once again I am VERY glad y'all are here!!

Kat