Losing weight.......and friends

[georgia girl 35]

Did anyone see Rachael Ray yesterday? There was a woman on there that lost over 200lbs with Gastric Bypass Surgery. As she lost weight, she lost all of her friends and family, she had no idea why. Long story short, they asked her mom why and she told that as her daughter lost weight, she became too proud of her weight loss and made some comments that hurt her feelings (the mom was overweight too). This girl had no idea that when she shared her success with her friends and family that they were offended by it, and she didn't realize that some of her comments were hurtful.

It made me really appreciate this website. It's great to come here and share our successes together. I have friends and family that are overweight and I would hate it if I lost any of them. I'll admit that I have been keeping my friends and family up to date on my progress, but I never considered it to be bragging and I hope that they don't see it that way.

I guess it goes to show that losing weight doesn't necessarily mean that life will be perfect.

[jfran 0]

I saw the show. It was very interesting. It makes me think maybe I should be careful what I say and how I act regarding my weight loss. I don't want to offend anyone and lose my family and friends.

[aubrie 6]

Jealousy is a nasty business isn't it? I think it's pathetic that some would be so jealous of this girls success, that they would ostrasize her for it. My opinion? If that's the type of people she had for friends, she didn't need them.

[poodlecamper 0]

I haven't been banded yet (on Tuesday!!) and the nastiest comments so far have been from my mother and sister. I started at "plump" at puberty and went from there, now I am in constant pain from arthritis. Me: "I got a surgery date!!" Mom: "You'll have all that saggy skin"--gee thanks Mom. Last night I said something about weight to my sister (both are like size 14-16) and she said she could figure out my weight by what her gastric bypass friend had weighed. first she mumbled something like "approaching 500" and I said "What?" She then said louder, "400 lbs." I said "NO" but didn't say what I weighed. I mean, I'm 5'5" and wear a snug 28. She guessed a 100 lbs. more!!!!But these two have always done this to me, I have to keep reminding myself. My mother has always favored my older sister, I guess she sees this as a competition. At my daughter's wedding I had a wig on, due to chemo, of course I was self-conscious--Sis says, "You looked fine (pause) like you got a too-short haircut". Gee, thanks.

I should, we all should recognize these ambushers but it still hurts. After reading these posts, I'll try not to talk too much about the lap band journey---and there are plenty of great people here who want to hear about our successes, right?

Carol

Fortunately my kids, DH and best friend are excited for me, talking about all the things I'll be able to do once I start losing.

[coolcrystal 1]

Well, I've seen this on both sides.

I have two friends who lost a lot of weight and they are complete opposites, therefore have been treated differently by thier friends and family.

Friend "A" lost a good amount of weight, got a Tummy Tuck and looked great. BUT EVERY SINGLE TIME we did anything together she went on and on about how awesome she looked.. and how men check her out ALL the time and I've been dealing with this for 4 years now. We work together, so its every single time I see her she talks about how great she looks and does say mean things to me about my weight. She has become obsessed about it. "I'm a size 4 now"... "I'm a size 2 now, can you believe it? Damn I look good".. and now she's a size 0... But, everytime we get together she preaches to me about what I need to be doing and has even made comments about how she can't believe I got married at 275 pounds! Now, I can tolerate this, but she has lost all her other friends because she has nothing else to talk about and she is very insulting. Oh, and she does this with her sisters, who are also trim, but she makes comments like, "my sister is so jealous because she's a 4 and now I'm skinnier than her.. ha ha, it's so funny to see her face get jealous"... so, now her sisters don't talk to her. I can deal with it, cuz I am happy for her, but its hard to see her turn into this type of person when she was so different before.

Friend "B" has lost over 100 pounds and never discusses it, unless you ask her about it, and does not treat anybody differently. She hasn't gotten a big head about it, but has gotten more confidence. She doesn't preach to anybody about what they need to do and hasn't let it take over her life.

Now, if this girl on the show was just sometimes mentioning it and excited, then her friends and family shouldn't get all jealous, but if she was anything like my friend "A", then I could probalby understand because it takes everything I have to put up with friend "A"'s insults and constantly being stuck on herself.

[georgia girl 35]

I think she was more like friend "A". I truly don't think she even realized that she was bragging so much. When she saw the interview with her mom, she just cried and you could tell she really loved her mom and was sorry that she hurt her.

I keep my immediate family and a few friends up to date on my progress, but they usually ask. Everyone has been so supportive of me, and I would just hate for this experience to "go to my head" and hurt their feelings. I understand both sides of this and after seeing the show, I'll be more aware of it, so it doesn't happen to me.

[georgia girl 35]

---and there are plenty of great people here who want to hear about our successes, right?

Carol

Yes Carol, this place is full of people who truly support us. I'm sorry that your mom and sister aren't being supportive to you. This is a wonderful place for support but it helps if your family and friends support you too.

((HUGS))

[steph_co 9]

Yes, that would be really hard. I'm glad that the only two people I really talk to about it (my DH and my mom) are already skinnier than I am, so it's not a problem. My mom was once a size zero, but she had people telling her she looked anorexic so she got back up to a 2-4. I'll never be that size - it just won't happen on my frame. So even if I brag about getting to an 8, I'll still be bigger than her, but happy as can be.

I kind of worry about seeing this one friend that I haven't seen in over a year. Once I ever do see her again, I'll be skinny. I can hope in the meantime that she has lost weight. We have had strain in our relationship before, I'd hate for this to destroy it. I would NOT bring it up with her how much I've lost and I will always love her dearly. It's just that we were fat together and I don't want to lose a connection because we don't share that in common anymore.

I think it's sad when people's personalities change after losing a bunch of weight. That's really unfortunate. IMO, you are the same person at 110 that you were at 310, just smaller physically. You should treat people and be treated the same as before. The only difference I see in myself is the confidence thing. Not a single person aside from my DH or mom has said anything about my weight loss, but I just FEEL better, so I carry myself differently. But no matter how small I get, I'll remember where I was. I'm no better than anyone else.

[SuzanneG 1]

I saw that show too. The worst I've seen was at my lap-band seminar. They brought in this couple who had both been banded. When people from the audience asked how they handled this or that situation, their answer was always that they never ate fast food, steak, sugar, etc before the band so it was no big deal. Well, we all know they didn't get fat eating carrots!

Anyway, then someone asked if they had a problem with loose skin and the woman actually said "Well, if you cared so much about how you look, you wouldn't be fat in the first place". I was enraged! I screamed, "THAT'S A LIE!" I thought I was going to make a scene for a minute, but they kept the meeting going before she had a chance to p!ss me off again.

Then there's my mom. She had gastric bypass in 1997. She went from 5' 265 pounds to 105. She never lets me forget it. One day when I was pouring my heart out about trying to get approved for lap-band and how I can't stop gaining weight and it was depressing me, she just blurted out "I'm a size 6!" I wanted to cry.

Now, I was banded 6 DAYS ago and she never calls. I have talked to her every day for most of my life and now she suddenly doesn't want to "bother" me with a phone call. My brother and sister both say she asks about me, but she never calls. When I call her, she keeps it peppy and SHORT and makes an excuse to hang up. When I told her I was approved, she said, "If you get skinnier than me I'll kill you. Giggle"

I don't think she's in a healthy place about her weight. It's sad really but nothing seems to help.

I'm sad that she may let this come between us.

[coolcrystal 1]

Wow Suzanne, I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds like your mom thinks this is a competition or something. Like she enjoys being the skinny person , but she knows if you lose weight you might look "better" than her, so to speak. Perhaps if she was obese for most of her life and then got trim, maybe she is sort of reliving her youth and behaving in a way she never could before. Remember the girl A I talked about? She had kids at 15 and had been overweight her whole life until she lost weight at about 33 and got that TT. I think she behaves like this because she had to grow up fast and never got that attention from men, so she behaves this way now.

[Crishell 0]

I have two close friends who i share more detailed information with & they have been very understanding and supportive. While my mom is supportive, I do not tell her alot of day to day info about food, exercise, struggles etc. She knows it is not easy but she comes from a different history as in she has experienced "normal" size. I have never been "normal" when it came to weight. I have always been chubby, pretty plus, severely or morbidly obese. She is a nurse and has always been supportive of my decision to have lapband surgery especially since diabetes, hypertension and high cholesterol runs in the family. Plus, she understands the basics involved with the band. BUT, I have some over weight aunts and cousins who are clueless. I was always the biggest of the big in the family. While they said nothing directly to me, I heard through second hand that they had made negative comments about my decision. I give them very little info on what I eat, my exercise habits, exact pounds lost etc. All they know is what they see. Now, they make comments like "aren't you through yet?' and at family gatherings they become the food police and watch what I eat and will ask "can you eat that?". Some have the audacity to now ask for my old clothes which they are not getting. Why now do they want to benefit off of my weight loss that they had so much bad to say about in the first place? There are women where i work at that have the same attitude. Some pretend to be happy and supportive but they just want to be nosey. I am happy about my results and would like to share with others to motivate and inspire them but I know some will take it as bragging so I keep alot to myself. I know there is jealousy but instead of focusing on their percieved negative thoughts to justify their not getting the band, they need to ask me for info so that they can experience what I am experiencing-a positive change in my life.

[poodlecamper 0]

Personally, I think my mother is one of the, if not THE main reason why I over eat and have always had a weight problem. So it's unrealsitic of me to look for support from that quarter.

But it still hurts. My beautiful, brilliant daughter is almost my size and is already having knee and back problems. I would cut my tongue out before I'd say anything about her weight. She is a wonderful, generous person and good to her parents and siblings. I feel somehow responsible for her being overweight--on the other hand, she has a great husband and social life, and is a very happy person. We are friends as well as mother and daughter. Well, sorry to ramble on---guess the moral here is to focus on those who wish you well, and ignore the comments of the rest.

[kacee 3]

I think the important thing for all of us to remember is that if we do not "take on airs" after the procedure and do a lot of negative changing ourselves (like the friend who could do nothing but say "Damn I look good!" and drove everyone away...) this isn't about us at all. It's about the other people and their fears. I don't give ANYONE an opportunity to say anything negative to me. No matter what they say I say back "Best decision I ever made. I am THRILLED!" with a huge smile on my face. You cannot be insulted unless you ACCEPT the insult, ya know. An insult is handed to you like a big toxic present. I politely decline. If you accept it and digest it, the fallout is YOUR problem now. About the saggy skin thing....I say "I'll cross that bridge when I come to it." and leave it at that. This is called taking ownership of what you have done in your life. We have NOTHING to be ashamed of or to hide from. We are being proactive with our lives. This WILL create tension and jealousy in other parties because many people don't like to see someone sail past them toward success.

[Michee 2]

Ready for a new life

I did not see the TV show mentioned in this post,but I have read other threads with a smilar sentiment regarding the loss of or changes to relationships.

Having lost weight before, I knew that relationships would change, some for the better, but some friends would no longer be in my life as much.

It does not really have to do with the weight loss itself. It's about the lifestyle change. Since deciding to lose the weight and get the band, I am more active, and I am eating healthy nutritious food.

When I ask my "out for ribs and then a trip to the bakery" friends if they want to go on a hike, or if I start talking about the leg press at the gym instead of the new store that sells imported chocolates, they are not interested!! (quell surprise)

My relationship with food is an addiction. A recovering cocaine addict would not hang out with her coke snorting pals, I do not hang out with my sugar stuffing pals.

I have become a lot closer to two of my "skinny" cousins. Before I had no interest in there salad dressing recipes or the new ab exercise they read about. Now I am looking at them through new eyes---They have the slim healthy body that I want, now I listen and try to learn, instead of secretly resenting the wearers of the size 4.

Whenever I have had a major life change, such as moving to a new city or getting a new job, I have let go of some relationships, and gained new ones.

Good Luck to Everyone as we embark on this exciting journey to improved health together !!

[PigsRFlying 0]

I think the only thing that will change with me is my confidence level. I have extremely low self esteem and so do one group of friends. I do not think that they will be able to take it but I had to do what was right for my health and give me a chance at happiness. Actually, one got so jealous when I bought a house she didn't talk to me for almost half a year. Just couldn't stand it. I know this and accept her for who she is and I have learned not to tell her much about anything! I guess it's a "surface level" friendship, you know someone to do things with but not much else. So.....we'll see!