Parents & Other Relatives

[GreenChrysalis 1]

I have pretty much decided not to tell my parents that I am getting banded. My SO will know and a few friends, but that's it.

Neither of my parents are significantly overweight -- perhaps 20-25 pounds on both of them. I have been overweight my entire life. I do think that they could've helped me and perhaps I would not have become an obese adult. But we ate very stereotypical Southern food. We did not exercise as a family. I do recall my father telling me when I was 10 or so that I needed to "watch it" or I'd end up really fat. That was about the extent there. He would poke me in my stomach up until about 5 years ago (and I am 30), when I lost it and told him to keep his hands to himself.

When I eat at their house, I feel like every bite is being watched as I put it into my mouth. If I take "too much" of something then my father calls me a "piggie." I try to eat as little as possible and eat my actual meal when I get home. The only time they have mentioned my weight as an adult was when I lost 25 pounds on Weight Watchers and then they told me how great and pretty I looked. They both whine about how "fat" they are to me without being sensitive to the fact that hello, I am morbidly obese.

I know from past conversations that they both think of any kind of weight loss surgery as a crutch, taking the easy way out, et cetera. Even Weight Watchers was silly to them, because you had to pay for it and count points. I should be able to just eat less and exercise more. I don't have enough willpower and that's why I am fat, according to them. I'd like to think that my mother would be more sensitive to it but she would not keep it to herself -- she has told relatives things that I told her in confidence before.

I can't imagine telling other relatives either. I am not really close to most of them. None of them are overweight. My grandmother put me on Slimfast & Lean Cuisines with her for a summer when I was 8. She told me that if I slimmed down and stayed that way she'd buy me a new wardrobe of clothes every year. That never happened but she was still telling me that up into my teens. I am obviously less of a person to her because I am fat.

At Christmas this year my 14-year-old cousin made a fat joke and other relatives laughed, including her mother. Then she looked at me and said "no offense." I told her that she was incredibly rude and left the room. I didn't eat dinner because I was so upset and everybody asked me why I wasn't eating. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

So I have gotten the message all my life that I am a failure because I am fat...I have a "pretty face"...if I'd just "slim down"... I don't see a reason to share getting banded with any of them. If I did share, even if they got past the "giving up" part of getting WLS, then they'd constantly be asking me about it. I don't think I can deal with that kind of pressure.

Yet I am having a hard time with this decision, not telling my parents especially. I'd like to hear others' experiences with telling family members.

[Manatee 4]

Just because people are kin doesn't mean they're not toxic. You sound realistic about the issues in telling them. My advice would be to keep it quiet. You can always tell them later, but you can never 'untell' if you mention it now.

[TheGh0st 9]

... My advice would be to keep it quiet. You can always tell them later, but you can never 'untell' if you mention it now.

I concurr, personally I told anyone and everyone willing to listen and many that probably were only pretending to listen. I don't have any regrets as that is just who I am, but it has made it harder dealing with some people even relatives. They all pretty much got over the "easy route" thoughts but as you surmised they rapidly progressed into feeling it their right to drill me on all aspects of my weight loss. Questioning what I am and am not eating, questioning if I'm losing too fast or too slow. It can get very frustrating.

The people I have met that kept the band secret from thier family members generally have taken the approach of if pressed about how they are losing weight they brush it off with a saying like "I'm just watching my carbs". Surprisingly, since you are chewing each bite longer very few people will notice that you are eating that much less food.

Good luck and best wishes no matter what you decide.

[LynneB 0]

I tried talking to my family about it and boy do I REGRET it!! All I get is "just go to weight watchers and just diet and excercise" Do they not think I have already tried all that?!? I even went to a Dr supervised weight loss program that cost me over $140 a week & lost 75 lbs, but then I got criticized for spending all that money. Well, now that I left that program, I have gained 25 of it back in less than 6 months and I still watch my carbs like I was, but with no injections and pills, its not the same. I feel like I just can't win! My family is wonderful IF I do things THEIR way, with their approval. But I am 36 yrs old and I am making my own decision this time. I need it, I want it, I am DOING IT! To hell with everyone elses opinions. Do it for you, make yourself proud.

[Kaydotrn 1]

Viridescence. First of all, I want to offer you a HUGE HUG!!!! I can completely relate to a lot of what you are saying. I was one a child of a thin mom who put me on diets when I was going through puberty and barely overweight. I spent my formative years feeling fat and not good enough. But I was certainly never encouraged to do any kind of activity. Nope, just diet diet diet. All that did was make me fatter and ashamed.

I decided to keep my decision to myself with the exception of my husband, sister, mom (who was surprisingly supportive as I have got older) and one friend. No one else. I could not handle the people watching me, or forming opinions about how I was losing weight. The fact is, I am eating less and exercising a lot...the rest is not their business.

Don't afraid to keep it to yourself. There is so much support here on this board from people who have your best interest at heart and actually know firsthand everything you are going through. Ultimately, it is your decision to tell. I just wanted you to hear from the perspective of someone who is banded and "in the closet". Best wishes!

[GreenChrysalis 1]

Oh, that's absolutely the truth -- I have several even more toxic relatives than the one. I guess I just keep thinking that if I tell them later, then I'll get the hurt "why didn't you tell me?" bit. Then I'll have to explain why, and it'll be ugly. They're not exactly good at owning stuff that they said/did (usually they just deny it if I bring up something unpleasant about my childhood). But I'll have to deal with it if/when that day comes.

Just because people are kin doesn't mean they're not toxic. You sound realistic about the issues in telling them. My advice would be to keep it quiet. You can always tell them later, but you can never 'untell' if you mention it now.

[GreenChrysalis 1]

Thank you for the hug! I know I am not the only one who grew up feeling unworthy because I was fat -- I'm sure there are others on LBT in that situation.

I'm glad that you have some supportive relatives. I'm also glad that the board is around because I probably would go crazy if I didn't have someone to talk to who gets it. Thanks for sharing!

Viridescence. First of all, I want to offer you a HUGE HUG!!!! I can completely relate to a lot of what you are saying. I was one a child of a thin mom who put me on diets when I was going through puberty and barely overweight. I spent my formative years feeling fat and not good enough. But I was certainly never encouraged to do any kind of activity. Nope, just diet diet diet. All that did was make me fatter and ashamed.

I decided to keep my decision to myself with the exception of my husband, sister, mom (who was surprisingly supportive as I have got older) and one friend. No one else. I could not handle the people watching me, or forming opinions about how I was losing weight. The fact is, I am eating less and exercising a lot...the rest is not their business.

Don't afraid to keep it to yourself. There is so much support here on this board from people who have your best interest at heart and actually know firsthand everything you are going through. Ultimately, it is your decision to tell. I just wanted you to hear from the perspective of someone who is banded and "in the closet". Best wishes!

[GreenChrysalis 1]

And that's what I'm afraid of, definitely. I am glad that you are doing it for yourself. That's how I'm trying to look at it too -- they don't have to live with the daily ins and outs of being obese, I do. So what I do is my decision. Thanks for the reassurance!

I tried talking to my family about it and boy do I REGRET it!! All I get is "just go to weight watchers and just diet and excercise" Do they not think I have already tried all that?!? I even went to a Dr supervised weight loss program that cost me over $140 a week & lost 75 lbs, but then I got criticized for spending all that money. Well, now that I left that program, I have gained 25 of it back in less than 6 months and I still watch my carbs like I was, but with no injections and pills, its not the same. I feel like I just can't win! My family is wonderful IF I do things THEIR way, with their approval. But I am 36 yrs old and I am making my own decision this time. I need it, I want it, I am DOING IT! To hell with everyone elses opinions. Do it for you, make yourself proud.

[Oregondaisy 2,021]

I have hardly told anyone. The last person in the world I would tell would be my dad. He is so judgemental and I was a self pay. He would have constantly reminded me that I had to pay 10,000.00 because I didn't eat right in his opinion.

The only thing that is bad about this is eating around him. He lives in another state so I only see him about every 6 months.

However, he likes to eat out every night. It's hard to order food

off the menu not knowing how the band is going to like it.

He always says I can't believe you ordered that. I know by now what I can eat and what I have trouble with. I am still glad I

didn't tell him. Now he's happy that I have lost weight.

[losingjusme 12]

i told my parents 2-3 months after my surgery.

good luck

[QTkidsmom 0]

I can absolutely relate. I decided to only tell people that I thought I could trust to understand. I knew that did not include any of my in-laws. They are very hateful at times, and because I am more successful than the wife of the favored son, I am often a target of theirs. My husband agrees with this and supports my decision to say nothing to them. Funny enough, I have lost a lot of weight and I am now much thinner than my sister-in-law, who my mother in law likes to refer to as her "skinny daughter-in-law" who really isn't, and they recently accused me of having gastric bypass. I enjoyed so much being able to look her in the face and honestly reply "I have not had gastric bypass, where did you get that idea?" She has no idea the band even exists.

I did however, tell my own sisters thinking that they would support me and maybe even follow in my steps as they are all heavy. One of the three has been very supportive while the other two take the opportunity to speak about me to the other and complain that I took the easy way out.

That's okay, I always tell them that if they ever decide to get the band, they can let me know how easy it is after the have their first PB or have to sit around a house full of family eating their favorite foods and knowing that a single bite will send them to the toliet.

I do not regret my decision at all and have learned to laugh it off.

[Oregondaisy 2,021]

I just really hope that I don't have to run to the restroom while eating out with my father. He always likes to stop for pizza on the way home from the airport. Last time I was there, I was pretty loose and could eat a piece of pizza. I am pretty sure now I don't want to test that.

I will have to tell him I have given up pizza and would like to eat somewhere else.

[GreenChrysalis 1]

See, that will be my issue. My parents live about an hour away and I know that they will comment on my food choices. If I try to eat healthier at a restaurant everybody asks me if I'm on a new diet. That's why it is damned if you do, damned if you don't. I will just have to be very cautious, I guess. Thanks for sharing.

I have hardly told anyone. The last person in the world I would tell would be my dad. He is so judgmental and I was a self pay. He would have constantly reminded me that I had to pay 10,000.00 because I didn't eat right in his opinion.

The only thing that is bad about this is eating around him. He lives in another state so I only see him about every 6 months.

However, he likes to eat out every night. It's hard to order food

off the menu not knowing how the band is going to like it.

He always says I can't believe you ordered that. I know by now what I can eat and what I have trouble with. I am still glad I

didn't tell him. Now he's happy that I have lost weight.

[GreenChrysalis 1]

How did they react? Were they upset/hurt that you didn't tell them before you got it?

Thanks!

i told my parents 2-3 months after my surgery.

good luck

[GreenChrysalis 1]

Good for you. We don't even speak to my in-laws (long story there) but I think my own family would be judgmental enough. I didn't think about that-- I doubt any of them know that the band exists either. So if they did assume gastric bypass and ask me, I wouldn't be lying if I said no. :eek:

I can absolutely relate. I decided to only tell people that I thought I could trust to understand. I knew that did not include any of my in-laws. They are very hateful at times, and because I am more successful than the wife of the favored son, I am often a target of theirs. My husband agrees with this and supports my decision to say nothing to them. Funny enough, I have lost a lot of weight and I am now much thinner than my sister-in-law, who my mother in law likes to refer to as her "skinny daughter-in-law" who really isn't, and they recently accused me of having gastric bypass. I enjoyed so much being able to look her in the face and honestly reply "I have not had gastric bypass, where did you get that idea?" She has no idea the band even exists.

I did however, tell my own sisters thinking that they would support me and maybe even follow in my steps as they are all heavy. One of the three has been very supportive while the other two take the opportunity to speak about me to the other and complain that I took the easy way out.

That's okay, I always tell them that if they ever decide to get the band, they can let me know how easy it is after the have their first PB or have to sit around a house full of family eating their favorite foods and knowing that a single bite will send them to the toliet.

I do not regret my decision at all and have learned to laugh it off.