Shrinkin' Violets- Part 2 Read Here

[Kat817 19]

Awwww Haydee....I am sorry things are such a mess for you right now. I see where your dilemma lies. While it sounds so easy for others to say to ditch him.....there is much more to consider. What is Juans family like-----is he bringing fears from there to the relationship with the 2 of you?

Is he willing to see a 3rd party to discuss working on your issues, but also accepting some of your issues? There are things Rick does that make me absolutely NUTS! But at the same time....him doing those things is one of the things I fell in love with. If that makes any sense at all!

For instance---I am always complaining about all the things his family wants him to do. It makes me crazy, and I am irritable and have to bite my tongue not to say horrid mean things to him about his parents. And yet in the same breath.....if it was me, or my parents, he would be doing the same thing. He acknowledges he won't have his parents around forever, and he tries to act accordingly. He treats his parents with love and respect---same as he treats me. When they change their story on what happened or give credit from something he did to someone else----he does not throw it in their face, like I often want to do! But at the same time, he never makes me eat my words either--and I am sure he could!!!

We blended a family---and I never got the my kids your kid thing from him. It was always our kids. He worked just as hard to help out Manda, he has never introduced her as anything except his daughter---and he never interupted as I dealt with Lenny and Abbey....the biggest proof of them being our kids, is wierd---but not long ago a friend mentioned his wife apologizing to him for her son from a previous marriage getting in trouble (broke windows with a BB gun). I realized then---we don't apologize to one another for what our kids do....we just do our best to deal with them!

It is scary in this day and age to get married! Living together is hard enough! The divorce rate is sky high! Rick and I are both divorced---twice! 2 of our 3 kids have been divorced!

Being cautious and wanting it to be right and perfect is admirable in its own way---he wants it to last forever too. Have you ever just left like you did this time? If so....has it ever changed things in the past? If not---how did he respond?

Now let me preface this with I AM NOT....NOT....SUGGESTING THIS!!!

It is a simple question. What if your birth control failed---and you ended up pregnant, what would he say or do??? Would he still be sitting on that fence? Or would he step up to the plate?

Being alone is scary----but it is less emotional than being alone as part of a couple.

Big hugs to you--------Juan needs to realize what a special woman he has----I hope for both your sakes he does.

Kat

[TracyK 3]

Haydee-glad you are back. I just have one thing to say. You made 'starting over' sound absolutely horrible and it isn't. If I would not have started over I would have never found dh and I would not have macy right now. It might be hard at first, but sometimes you have to look out for # 1 :biggrin:. Do what your head says and you will be GREAT!

Tracy-YAY! Mine is the 3rd and yours is the 7th! I am so happy for you. I don't know why you feel like puking...at least you know FOR SURE your insurance will pay....:tt2:

Pamela-any news about the POV?

I have a story to tell about a weird dream (compliments of Chantix)

We were on our Gruene trip and were at an auction. They bring out the next item for auction and it was a goose that laid caramel eggs.< img src="https://s.bariatricpal.com/uploads/emoticons/default_sad.png" alt=":(" srcset="https://s.bariatricpal.com/uploads/emoticons/sad@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20" /> Well, KAT wasn't leaving there without the damn goose. We tried to tell her about what a headache it would be to try to get the goose on a plane but she was adament about having that goose. So she says she will just call Rick to come on the motorcycle and pick the goose up for her. :lol: Weird stuff!!

[Kat817 19]

Tracy---It wasn't a dream....and if you don't leave me alone about my Golden Goose--your Easter Basket is gonna be empty! Not a single caramel egg for you!

LOL----Of course it was me with the caramel involved!!!

Kat

[TracyinKS 7]

Haydee: you are in such a tough place..... I don't mean to bash him... had the issue of adoption and insurance needs not come up I'm not so sure Charles would of made the trip down the isle..... one my friends jokingly said that he wanted to marry be before I got all skinny and I left him.. LOL..... who knows...... I think the longer a couple is together the harder it is for them to take the marriage step... (my sister is a prime example) we all shake our heads at her.. because it is HER that is dodging marriage........ she is hurting Travis... for years now..... she loves him but just doesn't want to get married.... makes no sense at all.. as they are both on the house and accounts are joined..... I know that some day he will leave her because he has gone so far as fly her to Baltimore pop the question at the top of a very romantic spot and even offerered her to fly to paris to wed................ she says yes, but then puts off the date..... (SHE IS A HEAD CASE!)

I am going to regret writing this but prior to my banding I had decided that I was going to do it (lose the weight) ONE MORE TIME and if dh didn't get on board with my plans to legalize our future together I was going to move on... he was silently killing my spirit.. turning away from me sexually and hiding financial things (or so I thought) His sis was against marriage and he wasn't weened from her yet......... he made hurtful jokes about us not being married... ("hell no I'm not married")

and truthfully had he not changed jobs and needed the insurance I doubt we would of gotten married at the courthouse in sept... it just so happened the opportunity with robby's adoption happened at the same time and my mom went completley gagga over him after he stepped up......... The day we got "engaged" is the day we started having sex again......... and things have been so good since then... I don't know what was going on in his mind... what insecurities he had been battling.. but I know that HIS insecurities ended up making me feel like shit......

I don't wish that on anyone least of all my violet sistah's!

[mdrai 3]

Haydee... My .02 here... life is a JOURNEY... we will *never* be wherever "THERE" is where we are "perfect". You two are on that journey together NOW... marriage is the next step: a commitment that means you'll continue together on that journey wherever it leads. No one knows the future... or where we'll end up. It's all a leap of faith... stay or go? stay as we are or change? him or someone else? now or later? when? -- these are all impossible to answer! But you need to be true to who YOU are... how long are YOU willing to wait? and for what? Yes, you may need to start again... & again... heck, I might, too... who knows? Not making a decision = making a decision, y'know? The only constant is change. The only thing we know for sure is that time will pass, whether we're happy about it or not! Look at all of us... look how far we've each come in a year! Best wishes to you for clarity and peace!

[TracyK 3]

wow...could we put Dr Phil out of business or what?!

[TracyinKS 7]

LOL! you know it!

[kity 2]

TracyK~ I know the POV and who is up!!! (insert evil laugh here). Wanna know???

Off to eat lunch, 1/2 c. spaghetti sauce and salad and homegrown tomatoes!!!!

[TracyK 3]

TracyK~ I know the POV and who is up!!! (insert evil laugh here). Wanna know???

Off to eat lunch, 1/2 c. spaghetti sauce and salad and homegrown tomatoes!!!!

I cheated and looked already too!!!!:biggrin: I just knew that would happen!!!!

[TracyK 3]

LOVE the avatar TRACY!!!!

[Haydee 2]

First let me start off by saying how wonderful everyone's signature looks. I need to go find a good picture of me so Laura can make me mine. Also Happy Birthday to Denise and to Jenn. Sorry I missed it girls, hope you had a great time!!

Second - yes Juan's family is messed up and I've always known that because of what his parents went through and what he's seen happen in his family that he will be very cautious about marriage. I on the other hand come from a very very loving family and my parents have been together for 32 years and I just always expected to fall into that same pattern. Hasn't quite turned out like that...

Thanks for your input girls. It's one thing to turn this around and around in your own head and then to actually get other people's insights. And yes Michelle, I pray for clarity and peace every night. I have put myself in this position and I know that I choose to stay with him. I either have to make a choice to stay and to quit whining about it or to leave him and just start all over.

TracyK - I know exactly what you mean. His insecurities do affect me. He makes me feel like I'm not enough. When I know damn well that more than enough for others! You got some unexpected surprises in your life that nudged Charles to make a committment. I hope I get my own surprises too. And not necessarily some that pushe Juan towards marrying me, it might just be the push that I need to finally just leave.

[Daisalana 33]

Haydee- Glad you're back!! We missed you!!

I am finally out of clinics. Took 2 hour wait for labwork, had to go to a clinic and wait another 3 hours to see a doctor. I don't know what she thinks, clinics around here never tell you anything anymore.. they just write rx's. So I have an inhaler, steroids, and antibiotics. I guess asthma?

Thank you all for the info! I just needed to bounce it off of some women who have been there! I am going to do those quizzes terry hehe.

And we're not looking to have them soon, and I plan to be done on the wacky meds in September, and not going to 'start trying' till well into next year. So, not worried about the wacky meds.

DH offered up without my instigation months ago, that when we have kids he's not going to play those video games anymore. Of course, that made me happy, and I heard someone mention his video games (or maybe 2 of you!). He is adament about how nasty babies are, covered in blood and gunk, yadda yadda. I told him I would be devastated if he wasn't in the room when I had kids, and I told him how he doesn't have to watch, just be up at the top (like you guys brought up), and he agreed to that, but he's still disgusted by the whole process. He says he doesn't understand why a woman would ever want to be pregnant. And I don't know how he can't understand that. He mentioned adoption years ago, the world has enough kids, and child birth is nasty, etc. Men!!

[TerriDoodle 6]

Haydee, I JUST read this little inspirational ditty and I instantly thought of you... take it for what you will:

You can't believe how often not wanting to feel awkward gets in our way of having our dream come true. We feel tongue-tied, all thumbs, as if we've got two left feet—and we take it as a sign to go back to the tried and true. Even if the tried and true is a prison cell, we long for the comfort of the familiar. As my friend Dawna Markova says, "Be it ever so toxic, there's no place like home." But to learn anything, we have to leave the comfort of the known for the awkwardness of the untried. And we must accept our ineptness as the price of beginning, trusting that, like adolescents, we'll grow out of that awkward stage and blossom into mastery if we just hang in there.

--

MJRyan

[mdrai 3]

ooooh, I like that, Terry!

[TracyK 3]

He says he doesn't understand why a woman would ever want to be pregnant. And I don't know how he can't understand that. He mentioned adoption years ago, the world has enough kids, and child birth is nasty, etc. Men!!

He doesn't understand it because he isn't a woman! :biggrin: