Do your insecurities affect your relationship?

[-acl- 0]

I'm very insecure when it comes to my husband being around or ogling other naked women. I'm wondering if other women out there feel the same way?

DH is off to a bucks party tomorrow night, they are going on a river cruise - with "entertainment". For me it isn't a trust issue - because I do trust him, but there is something inside me that makes me feel absolutely sick about this, and I don't know how to explain it. I'm not sure if it's because of a comparison thing (me vs them), will he be thinking of them when we are intimate arghhh - I don't know.

Him looking at pictures doesn't really bother me, but it's a 'in the flesh' thing. He knows how much this hurts me, but is still going, and paid $100 to do so - and that hurts too.

Just wanted to get that off my chest, so thanks for reading.

I'd love to not let it upset me, but unfortunately it does, let me know if this is an issue, or not, for you too.

[LovingWhatIs 0]

I used to have a similar upset - that is why your post caught my eye - about my husband being around his ex-wife. I obviously am prejudiced about this now, but I found the book, Loving What Is, by Byron Katie, and at first found it stupid. Then I did a "worksheet" on my thoughts about it, and after a few months of doing "The Work" which is the process shown in the book (how to do it is free on the website), I not only am not upset, but encourage him to go visit, I don't get a sick feeling in my stomach, I have a great love and respect for her - IT"S A MIRACLE!

Now I do "the work" all the time and wow! Incredible change in my sense of myself. People will facilitate you for free over the phone, or you can just facilitate yourself. If you are interested I would be glad to send you a CD too. I can TOTALLY relate to the feelings you describe and I love sharing the way I found my freedom from that nightmare... If I can experience it, anyone can.

Here to help, if you ever need it.

Lisa

[mumof2boys 71]

Oh my goodness Amy, I think that we were separated at birth. I feel exactly the same way. I have HUGE issues with this. I feel that it is very disrespectful to a man's wife for him to be around that when he knows how it makes her feel. My husband has friends who have had some terrible bachelor parties in the past. We have had some pretty heated arguments about it and it has really put stress in the marriage early on. There are women out there that don't have a problem with it and inside I wish that I could be as "cool" as them, but I just can't. I don't want some naked woman rubbing up on my husband. Also...it's not really a trust thing with me either, but I know how men are when they are with their friends. They don't want to look "whipped" by their woman and not partake in the "activities". I hate it, hate it, hate it!!! I know exactly how you feel. I can say that I don't think that my husband would go on a river cruise with that going on because he knows that I would have HUGE problems with it. I wish you luck with dealing with this issue...it's difficult and I feel your pain. :cry

[-acl- 0]

Thank you both for the replies Lisa and Tina.

We did have words over this, and I did get a bit emotional, especially as I have always been considerate of his feelings, and if something I was going to do was going to affect him in such a big way, I wouldn't do it - simple as that.

DH puts it down to me being silly, and swears no girls will touch him, he'll just push them away - yes.... like thats gonna happen in front of his mates. He didn't push the girl away who half ate his face off in front of me, on this new years eve...

Strange enough, that didn't really worry me then, but I was there, and we know her - she was drunk, but she is harmless(I think)..

To top this discussion off further, I've now been informed that I have to drive him to this thing tomorrow, because he pays for my petrol... It's going to be an interesting ride!

[-acl- 0]

Also - Guys feel free to have your say..

I'm not a man hater, I think another guys insight on this would be valuable.

[mumof2boys 71]

I agree with you...I would LOVE to hear what guys have to say.

[coltonwade 27]

Thank you both for the replies Lisa and Tina.

We did have words over this, and I did get a bit emotional, especially as I have always been considerate of his feelings, and if something I was going to do was going to affect him in such a big way, I wouldn't do it - simple as that.

DH puts it down to me being silly, and swears no girls will touch him, he'll just push them away - yes.... like thats gonna happen in front of his mates. He didn't push the girl away who half ate his face off in front of me, on this new years eve...

Strange enough, that didn't really worry me then, but I was there, and we know her - she was drunk, but she is harmless(I think)..

To top this discussion off further, I've now been informed that I have to drive him to this thing tomorrow, because he pays for my petrol... It's going to be an interesting ride!

I think this IS a trust issue you have with him in my opinion . You just said it right here " Yeah right like that's going to happen in front of his mates" you do not belive him when he says something. You may not want to see it as a trust issue but honestly I think it is. I have no problem with my husband going to strip clubs . He eats at Hooters , and a few other places like that on a regular basis with business associates, thats " what they like" . I have no problem with it . I totally trust him and i know he's coming home to me . My husband know's if he EVER Cheats on me or thinks of cheating on me or marriage is over, he would not take that chance.

I think the bigger issue is that your husband is going knowing you do not like it. My husband would not go to those places if he knew I did not like it.

If he knew i was just a little uncomfortable with it , he would still go , if i flat out asked him not to go he would not go .

Really , if you have ever been to one of those places ( yes I have been ) you would see no harm in them . If my husband were to cheat on me I would hope it would be with someone other than a stripper LOL

Mindy

[Daisalana 33]

I never cared if my DH went to strip places. Actually, I minded if he went with MY money. So the rare occasions he got invited (like on a bachelor party), I wouldn't let him take cash or the ATM card. He can buy drinks on his CC, and enjoy the show without the money. No one throws money at me for putting on lingerie! There's not a girl in those places special enough for my hard earned money, I don't care what she can do with her legs.

So anyway.. one night he went to a bachelor party, and he got drunk. And this night, really bothered me that he went. I wasn't jealous, but I was EMBERASSED. As a drunkard, he acts stupid.. and it was in front of our joint (male) friends. So knowing he was hooting & hollering is one thing, but around the guys who know me, felt like I was being disrespected and I was utterly emberassed. (They all called me from the limo to tell me what happened, so I felt like such an idiot). Anyway, my 2 cents.

[sweethot143 2]

You have every right to feel that way. You feel that way because as a married man it's wrong for him to go. ( my opinion) It's disrespectful to you and to woman in general. I don't know how you can get him to see that. I'm sorry you are feeling this way.

[Marimaru 7]

This is kind of a tough issue. For me, I don't care if my husband goes, I just don't want to hear about it. I don't even need to know more than "out drinking with the guys". I know he wont do anything, but I don't want to hear about who he looked at, or the lap dances he got.

My sister it really bothers, but she has major trust issues with her husband that they haven't resolved.

If you don't trust him to keep his hands away, or to push the girls away, you have to tell him that THAT is what is bothering you.

[coltonwade 27]

I agree, I dont really want to hear about what he does or what he saw . From what i hear from hubby most of his friends wives have problems with their husbands going .

They say things like "Your wife is cool i cant believe she doesnt care" I use to not really like him going to Hooters , until i went there and i was fine, the girls that work there were really respectful to the woman there.

There is a new place here in town called " Twin peaks " it is a step away from a strip club. They did not like woman in there too much and it was made obvious when i was in there . I still dont mind him going in there because i know he wont do anything.

Mindy

Mindy

[-acl- 0]

Thanks everyone - I've been thinking hard on this all morning, and I've come to the conclusion of 'what will be, will be'..

Yes I'm still a little hurt, but I will get over it - I think some of you are right and I can see now it may be a trust issue..

The guys he is going with, we haven't heard from in 10 years - and there is a lot of history behind it all - These guys swapping girls, sharing girlsfriends, threesomes, orgies basically... no, neither myself or dh were involved - not my thing!

If John really values our marriage, as he says he does, he won't be swayed. And if he does he knows we'll be straight to the divorce courts.

A bit of boob doesn't worry me, don't get me wrong, but fruit and veg acts do! And tonight will not be just a bit of boob. So instead of sitting at home thinking about whats going on, I've invited a few friends over for a bbq... I've decided that I can't control everything in this world, but I can control the way I deal with things.

[coltonwade 27]

I think the next morning ask him if he had a good time , ask if he had fun with his friends . then later on tell him that you were a bit hurt that he did not seem to take your feelings into consideration and you ask if next time you do not approve of something the 2 of you can reach a compromise.

Mindy

[StephC 0]

I've been married 28 years - the first year he went to strip clubs and we fought, but then I started to go to the male strip night at a local club and he hated that too - sooooo my point is - is he willing to put the shoe on the other foot? - My dh wasn't and so that whole scene ended pretty darn fast.

[Fanny Adams 7]

I'm sorry that you're feeling like that about it, acl, but I do think you hit the nail on the head with the title of your post, "your insecurities". You trust your husband and I'm sure you have good reason to do so. The issue isn't whether or not he will actually do something outside the bounds of your marriage, but that you feel insecure when comparing yourself to the girls performing their act.

Take it from someone who used to do see-thru/skimpy bar work in her younger and slimmer days - it IS an act and those girls have no interest in taking your husband or intruding in your marriage. He might look and even hoot and holler a little, but it is all just done in fun and does not mean he would ever stray. Looking is not the same as touching!

I think you are doing the right thing in having a bbq, so that you can enjoy yourself and take your mind off things. I believe that letting him do this without getting all emotional about it is your best path to a stronger marriage - one in which you are demonstrating that you trust and have faith in him. It can be hard to do, when you are feeling vulnerable and insecure, but it would be worth it to create that feeling of trust. Chances are that your trust in him will make him appreciate your relationship and love you far more than any jealous tantrum ever could.