I hate fat people!!!

[Alexandra 55]

This is a brilliant thread, and I don't have much to add. My experience as a lifelong fat person has steered me away from other fat people. I lived in Manhattan most of my life and there just aren't that many fat people there. Once my father returned from a trip to Queens and went on a rant about how HUGE everyone out there was--he seemed to look at big fat strangers with real contempt. Charming. (Think I'm still carrying some of that around with me?)

So I've always, ALWAYS been the biggest person in the room. I vividly recall meeting a work colleague with whom I'd only had a phone relationship and being thrilled that she too was morbidly obese, only to find out that she was about to undergo RNY surgery. I'd be losing my only compatriot.

Now that I'm banded, and living in the suburbs, I've had to face up to my reactions. I still find myself wondering if I'm the largest person in the room--am I bigger than that person? Or that one? Much of the time now the answer is no.

I don't hate fat people--I try consciously not to see their size. Because that's how I always wanted to be treated and it's the least I can do. The people I do feel sorry for are the kids, though. When I see really chubby 7-year-olds in my daughter's swim class my heart just breaks.

[donali 57]

Not being a psychologist, either, I cannot give any professionally based insight to this phenomonem, but I certainly share it. For me, it is multi-based.

1. The constant need to be reassured that as bad of shape I am in, I'm still not THE fattest person in the world (or messiest, or financially irresponsible, or dumbest, or dowdiest, or meanest, or most judgmental, most irritating, or... etc., etc...) Why does that bring me comfort? I have no idea, but it does. I hate my internal conversations that start, "Well, at least I'm not as....(insert whatever fault I'm comparing at the time! )....as So-and-SO!"

2. The genuine fear that my problems will get to be as bad (or worse!!) as someone I consider to be worse off than I am. "Oh, Dear God, PLEASE don't let me get as bad as So-and-So!!!"

3. The need to feel superior, however pitifully, than someone else I am more than equal to or less than... "Well, I may be just as fat, but at least I don't eat THAT (or dress like THAT, or....)

I have also heard that the things we dislike most about others are the things we dislike most about ourselves. I think that is very true. While I love fat, jolly, beautifully dressed/made-up people, I am fearful and judgmental of those who look slovenly, who look as though they don't care about their appearance. Why? Because that's ME. I don't wear nice clothes, I rarely wear make-up. They only reason I shower everyday is because otherwise I am an ogre - feeling hot, miserable, uncomfortable and grouchy. Otherwise my personal hygiene would undoubtedly suffer as well.

In spite of all my counseling and the progress I have made with my self-esteem, I have to admit that deep down, on a day to day basis, I honestly feel "What's the point of trying to look any better? I'm still fat, unattractive, and undesireable no matter how much make-up I'm wearing, or how nice my clothes are." And yet I continually admire my younger sister who is close to 100 pounds heavier than I am, because she is so beautiful - always fixes her hair, does her make-up and wears nice clothes.

An odd dichotomy which I cannot seem to reconcile in my psyche...

[DeLarla 22]

I'll admit that I've had the same feelings. It's disgusting because I know that's how thin people view me. I can't help myself from staring at obese people, but I also tend to stare at strikingly beautiful women. I resent obese people and I resent beautiful people. It's all part of my mental struggle with body image.

[kimalicious 5]

I have felt the same way, unfortunately my entire life. I started off as a chubby kid and was a chubby teenager, but always somehow fit in with the cool crowd and was never put down because of my weight. Now that I am 26 years old and still 120 pounds overweight it finally hits me on the way down just how fat I am. I hang around with chubby girls and they don't bother me, but other fat really huge people disgust me and I don't know how to change my thought process on that. I am worried that as I lose weight and feel better about myself the worse I will feel about others! I have the worst thoughts about myself right now and have to force myself to go out lately because I don't feel pretty in my body because I know that there are other people out there feeling exactly how I am about myslef! I've got a lot of things to work on other than losing weight and it took me finally losing some of it to figure that out. I can't always blame my weight on everything like everyone else does!

[Maurice 0]

Hey Tony;

I can't add much to the usual great wisdom submitted on this site. I think to an extent you have already answered your dilema.

I was a pro athlete at one time and in wonderful shape. I used to wonder why big people ate such huge portions or went to buffets. Surely they had to realize how big they were, and that they[/B] couldn't be happy in such condition. They had to understand that they could never lose that hideous weight if they ate that way....

Well, over the course of almost 30 years, I grew from 195 to 285 ponds! Even at my morbidly obese tops, I didn't think I looked like them.

Well at 5'9", you tell me that I didn't look like them hauling around 285 lbs.

I began to get self conscious at any public or family feeding. Wondering if people were wondering about me, what I had wondered about others years ago.

I got banded at the end of August, because I finally had to admit my health was going south, and I could not maintain any diets on a consistant basis. I am now down to 220 lbs. (target weight is 185), and when I see big people, I feel both compassion for their struggle, and appreciation for the blessing of my banding. I now realize that most people would not be large if they had a reasonable and possible choice. I also realize how fortunate I have been to be able to have had the procedure.

Michelle;

I also watch my wife eat with huge bites, and am at a loss at how to approach this without being critical or hurting her feelings. Any tips? It can't be healthy.

[DeLarla 22]

Years ago I used to go to regular Overeaters Anonymous meetings. There was a special "Hundred Pounder" meeting on Wednesdays that focused on people that were 100 pounds or more overweight. I used to resent them, as if they thought they were special for fitting in that group. Trust me, nobody was happy about being a hundred pounder, but my screwed up head resented them for it. Then my Thursday meeting was focused on bullemia and anorexia, so I hated all those people too since I didn't fit it. Well, I eventually stopped eating and had a bout with anorexia. But I got too sick so I switched to bullemia, then finally made my way over 300 pounds. I can't believe I ever wanted to be part of a hundred-pounder group, or that I wanted to fit in with the anorexics and bullemics. It just goes to prove that you have to be really careful what you wish for, cause your wish might come true.

[Belle joufflue une 1]

This thread interests me for some reason, and I keep coming back to it-starting to post, and then stopping.

Ever hear the phrase, "Don't hate the playa', hate the game?"

Here is one, "Don't hate the fatty, hate the fat."

Let's not be haters!

~Joan~

P.S. Michelle....I am with you on the fast eating and chewing thing. Yuckie!

[La_madam 20]

Maurice..

When we are at the dinner table , my family knows they have taken too big of a bite or did not chew properely because of the evil eye I give them..I have made comments to my husband who is 6'1 and weighs 200 lbs wet... that if I took a bite that big I would die of pain . I also said to them al lthat I never realized how big of bite "we all" take while we eat..hopefully to makethem think about it I eat with a baby ( crab fork) fork now since my last fill..My husband enjoys our "dinner time" together and he knows it takes me alot longer to eat then he does so he has slowed down a bit because once the kids are done they are gone from the table so it is just he and I left which is where we get in some of our best communication. He feels bad if I am at the table alone still eating.

[blossom 2]

My job requires me to be a mentor to a secretary at a lower level in our department. It just so happens that not only is she super MO, she is also not the brightest bunny in the forest. Mentoring her is my most difficult job task! I feel disgusted every time I have a conversation with her, then I feel disgusted with myself for feeling disgusted with her! I have to really make an effort to carry on a conversation with her at her level, all the while hating her for making me feel so bad about myself. Other people say really mean things about her to me all the time and I laugh and go along with them. How screwed up is that!!! I know I should be feeling compassion for her, but somehow I just can't. And, of course that just makes me feel disgusted with myself again. It really is a viscious circle.

[DeLarla 22]

Michelle, you're a lucky woman. I guess all our men have faults, but you got one thing I wish I had, which is a hubby that slows down at the table to spend more time with you. Chris chews twice then swallows. The worst part is that he stares at my food, which scares me cuz I think he's gonna take it!

[vinesqueen 2]

I've been thinking about this thread lately, so I thought I'd revisit it.

I've been banded a month now, and I too am tempet to evalgelize the band to some fat folk here at school. Amazing how one's view changes, no?

[princess_n_thep 2]

What a great thread! And it offers such an insight to obesity in general and how people think. I find myself rethinking some ideas I had now knowing the severe obese individuals actually have a loathing toward other severe obese individuals. The nitty gritty feelings of this thread are awesome. Thank you for starting it so people can talk in real self actualization and reflect honestly about themselves!

ME:

I don't have any type of "hatred" towards anyone fat but what I do have is pity. I find myself saying "oh that poor poor woman (or man)" or "his/her life must be soooo hard". I have so much pity and sympathy for someone who is severely morbidly obese that I look at them and feel like crying FOR them! I would never in a million years ever make fun of someone for their obesity or ridicule them but I have the deepest sympathy and regret for them. I know that this is not fair for them and they do not necessarily want "pity" rather than understanding for their "condition". Sometimes I have to catch myself because I want to help help help. Like picking up an item they drop so they don't have to bend over. I know they must see it in my eyes and even for that I am sorry for. The pain, the embarrassment, the anguish, the sorrow, the depression, the self loathing..... is all I think about. I know I shouldn't but I do many times.

Again, thanks for this thread.

[tellie 0]

I have been fat since I can remember. Also, since I can remember, I have "hated fat people". At some point I realised it was easier to say/think that than "I hate myself".

[hopefull 0]

I too have been overweight all my life going from slightly overweight as a teen to morbidly obese in my 40s. My most vidid memory of being fat as a kid was when a teenager, (who I was friendly with in my younger years and had just grown apart from), made fun of my and called me names in front of others on the school bus. I just was so hurt and confused as she was bigger than I was. Now I realize she herself had a hatred of fat people and I agree with most of you thinking we hate in others what we hate in ourselves.....This post has really been one of the most insightful ones I read and it pulled at my heartstrings to think of how much time we think "Fat" thoughts and how much beauty in things and people we are missing...

[KarenB 0]

I never thought I was as fat as I really was until the past 2 years. Then I took some trips and the seat belt was at its longest. I thought it was a faulty belt, until it kept happening. Not to blame everything on my mother, but she is totally disgusted by anything/anyone not attractive,and she let me know from an early age. One time when I had lost a good amount on WW, she actually put her hands under my loose sweater to see how much weight I had lost. I was so mortified...I felt like she only loved me if I was thin. I know my grandmother (her mother) was bullimic, so that might have something to do with it.

I was always quietly disguested by MO people, but wouldn't admit it out loud. And to think, some people were probably disgusted by me.

This is a great thread. Thank you.