My DH needs your help

Athey · December 28, 2007

Hey all - I'm not banded nor am I getting banded. My husband is. He's getting his done on the 31st and he's a mess of stress.

He got the idea to go after the lap band during the end of the summer when we visited his family and his Aunt and Uncle who both got lapbands about a year ago. His Aunt used to be HUGE and she looks so good now and I think that got him really excited so he went for it.

Now that it's actually coming to do it he's really scared shitless. He mostly seems to have this huge irrational fear that he's gonna die in surgery. It's not even the life altering changes to eating habits, but the surgery itself.

It's hard for me to comfort him because I just don't get it. I've had SO many surgeries in my life and all my family has been the same, that surgery is just like 'Eh - big deal' to me. I had pancreatitis and had my gal bladder removed about a year and a half ago, and I think that's a pretty serious thing to go through and it STILL didn't bother me. Hell, it was a relief! No more freaking gal stones. I was GLAD to finally go into surgery.

So I just keep telling him "You're not going to die in surgery" and he's like "I know, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm scared"..... So what can I do?!?

So what's your advice? Anything that you wish someone had said to you before you were banded? Something that would have made you feel better? Anything?

TIA

sewenup1 · December 28, 2007

Hey all - I'm not banded nor am I getting banded. My husband is. He's getting his done on the 31st and he's a mess of stress.
He got the idea to go after the lap band during the end of the summer when we visited his family and his Aunt and Uncle who both got lapbands about a year ago. His Aunt used to be HUGE and she looks so good now and I think that got him really excited so he went for it.

Now that it's actually coming to do it he's really scared shitless. He mostly seems to have this huge irrational fear that he's gonna die in surgery. It's not even the life altering changes to eating habits, but the surgery itself.

It's hard for me to comfort him because I just don't get it. I've had SO many surgeries in my life and all my family has been the same, that surgery is just like 'Eh - big deal' to me. I had pancreatitis and had my gal bladder removed about a year and a half ago, and I think that's a pretty serious thing to go through and it STILL didn't bother me. Hell, it was a relief! No more freaking gal stones. I was GLAD to finally go into surgery.

So I just keep telling him "You're not going to die in surgery" and he's like "I know, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm scared"..... So what can I do?!?

So what's your advice? Anything that you wish someone had said to you before you were banded? Something that would have made you feel better? Anything?

TIA

Hi Tia,

I know how your husband feels, I was banded on Dec 3 and had all those thoughts as well. Many of us have. I don't know that there is anything that you can say to another in these circumstances.

While not trying to minimize any other surgery, it is important to understand that while the fear expresses itself as a fear of the operation there is so much more to it than that. This operation is life changing - and that in itself is scary. Then there is the fear of failure - for most of us if we were successful dieters we wouldn't have to consider surgery. So when you put those together with major surgery it can become too much.

I don't know what to say to your husband, but there are thousands of us that have had the surgery and we are still alive. You said that his aunt and uncle are banded - could he call and talk to them perhaps? Your love and support will mean a lot to him, but sometimes talking to someone who has experienced what he is going through is the only thing to help. I know when I was scared before my surgery that although my friends assured me nothing would go wrong, as did my surgeon, it was only my banded friends that were able to help me.

Sorry I couldn't be of more help, but just keep letting him know that you love him and support him in this.

Best wishes,

Danna

ackmaui · December 28, 2007

I work in an ER and we send alot of people upstairs to surgery. It is perfectly normal to be afraid. I was when I went in for surgery. I had told my family and friends that I wanted to do it alone. I was scared shitless by the time I was in the pre-op area. The main thing I thought about was my goal jeans....The ones that were hanging on my closet door. There was no way in hell I was going to die before I wore those pants!!! Then the nice nurse came and gave me drugs and I was afraid no more!!

Cerrin · December 28, 2007

I had the whole worried about dying in surgery too. I was getting panic attacks. My GP gave me Xanex. Let me tel you if you tell your dr they may be able to give you something to releive the panic. but the stress of it you just have to work thru. it is natural. This is a big thing. This was my first surgery too so I didnt know what to expect. but for me it was a brease I dont even have gas pains. Meditation works too.

Jazzywoman · December 28, 2007

Hey all - I'm not banded nor am I getting banded. My husband is. He's getting his done on the 31st and he's a mess of stress.
He got the idea to go after the lap band during the end of the summer when we visited his family and his Aunt and Uncle who both got lapbands about a year ago. His Aunt used to be HUGE and she looks so good now and I think that got him really excited so he went for it.

Now that it's actually coming to do it he's really scared shitless. He mostly seems to have this huge irrational fear that he's gonna die in surgery. It's not even the life altering changes to eating habits, but the surgery itself.

It's hard for me to comfort him because I just don't get it. I've had SO many surgeries in my life and all my family has been the same, that surgery is just like 'Eh - big deal' to me. I had pancreatitis and had my gal bladder removed about a year and a half ago, and I think that's a pretty serious thing to go through and it STILL didn't bother me. Hell, it was a relief! No more freaking gal stones. I was GLAD to finally go into surgery.

So I just keep telling him "You're not going to die in surgery" and he's like "I know, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm scared"..... So what can I do?!?

So what's your advice? Anything that you wish someone had said to you before you were banded? Something that would have made you feel better? Anything?

TIA

Tell him that he needs to get on here and start reading!

I think there is even a forum just for men that addresses lots of the men issues.

He just needs to read, read, read, and read the posts from here. Knowledge is power, and to be able to know what others have gone through is going to be the best for him.

I was sure I was going to die in surgery, and that my dh would bring some hoochi momma to live in my house.

Yesterday was my surgery, and surprisingly I was calm. Oh, and I'm still alive! No hoochie mamma in my house either!

Huggles, dear one..

jewelee · December 30, 2007

Just before I went in, I was also scared that I was going to die.

I'm not a surgery novice either - three c-sections plus a couple of other abdominal surgeries. Still scared to death about this one.

Really, all I wanted from my husband was reassurance and compassion. If he had minimized what I was going through, I would have been *VERY* upset, and would likely have shut him out from the whole experience.

Just reassure him that what he's feeling is completely normal, and understand that the fear is both for the immediate surgery, and for the life changes that will follow.

kyteachjules · December 31, 2007

I truly hope his surgery went well today.

The day of my surgery, after I got my first dose of the 'happy meds' thru my IV, all I wanted, besides my husband who was already laughing at my goofiness, was my cat. And, being the sharp and multitasking thinker that I am, immediately began to think about the 'death' cat that had been in the news earlier in the year. SO, in the mean time... I wasn't thinking about dying myself, just having a cat that may be confused as a 'death' cat if she were there with me. And, I laughed ALL the way to operating room. When all else fails, laughter helps!

Jaymie72 · December 31, 2007

I think that with this surgery because it is elective I kept feeling like "what if I die because of vanity". When you had your surgeries I can almost guarantee that it wasnot an aoption, this was something you HAD to do. With this procedure it is purely elective so I think you almost feel guilty about doing it all together. Just try to understand that aspect of it and hopefully it will be done before he knows it. BTW, I was so scared that in the OR I told the DR I changed my mind. (LOL)

sfeiner · January 1, 2008

I.'m usually laughing all the way to OR too. I've had a lot of surgeries. I actually look forward to the happy juice they stick in the IV! I ask for gas from the dentist too. I enjoy the whole experience. It's a good thing I don't drink. Now the pain and pain meds after surgery is a whole different story. I don't like that feeling of being groggy and out of it.