gastric sleeve Thoughts from limbo

[buildabetteranna 7]

Hi guys, my name is Anna and I'm really glad I found this site. I received approval from my insurance earlier this week, there's just one x-ray needed and then I will be scheduled. My mom had the same procedure over 2 years ago, but she's more of a cautionary tale of what not to do. I have friends who have had it done as well. The hardest part of this process for me has been giving up cigarettes, and trying to lose weight on my own. I started my umpteenth weight loss journey November of 2022, and finally went back to see my moms doctor in January of this year, after chickening out a couple times before. No matter what I've done I have no been able to get below 300 since 2016. My highest weight was 374. The smallest I've been is 230 in my 20s after losing 70 lbs and keeping it off 2 years. Right now I'm chilling at around 340, have been for almost 2 years.
I love the gym, I love swimming, I love being active. But I have a lot of chronic pain from back and neck issues, as well as arthritis and between that and depression, it can be hard to get out of bed some days. Last time this year I had just finished a 16 week fitness challenge at a local CrossFit center, where I learned to do a real push up, deadlifts and other strength and endurance building exercises. It was great, and I got down to 315. Then the program ended and about 25 lbs reappeared out of thin air (psych, I know lol).
I am hoping that this tool is the missing puzzle piece I've needed. I know how to track, how to measure, how to diet basically. And I know how to exercise. What I've struggled with more than anything is portion and hunger. It's hard to stay in a deficit when your stomach feels like it's gonna eat itself if you don't put enough food in it- That being said I do know I want to focus on Protein and Fiber for fullness, and I'm working on eating smaller and more frequent throughout the day which is helping some.

I guess I'm as ready as I will ever be. Am I the only one who has struggled with being a bit depressed about it all? Like I am mourning the loss of so much, including my stomach and the ability to indulge in a meal. I understand I still can, but it's not gonna be the same having a jr popcorn at the movies, when i had a good portion of a large gone before credits were over- ya know? Like people who don't struggle with their weight take a lot for granted. My whole life I've been big, and it has always felt like a punishment I didn't do anything to bring about. And society punishes you for being overweight/obese/plus size. Part of me feels like cutting out a part of my organs is another punishment I must endure because I am fat. I hope this makes sense, and these are just fleeting thoughts and feelings, mind you. I have a wonderful counselor I see weekly, and we have talked about this, among other things. But I wanted to bring it up here because I am wondering if anyone has struggled with this line of thinking? And if so what are some good things about the process to focus on? I know the outcome of the weight being gone and my appetite under control, and I want those things very much. But it's the actual surgery and the discomfort I know is coming after that trips me up.

Thank you all for taking the time to read this, and I wish you all well ❤️

[summerseeker 2,124]

Hello and welcome to the forum. There is a huge piece in the forum headed - Grief after Surgery. I bet that your feeling are the same. You are better prepared than some of us, I couldn;t get therapy. I had a lot of help from this forum.

[buildabetteranna 7]

7 hours ago, summerseeker said:

Hello and welcome to the forum. There is a huge piece in the forum headed - Grief after Surgery. I bet that your feeling are the same. You are better prepared than some of us, I couldn;t get therapy. I had a lot of help from this forum.

Thank you very much, I will be sure to check that out And yes it is helpful, but I'm glad you found help here.

[Arabesque 7,218]

Welcome. Yes, there will be many changes ahead but there will also be so many benefits and wins. And yes, it’s not uncommon to have concerns and fears and mourn what you used to do. (Yes, you may find the thread @summerseeker recommended helpful. At least in knowing you’re not alone in how you’re feeling.)

I can only speak from my experience. Did I feel worried or grieve before my surgery or after? Honestly no. I truely had, had enough. And it all happened very quickly like not quite 6 weeks between seeing my GP for a referral & my surgery. Though I am someone who once makes a decision I stick to it. It’s interesting you should say you feel having the surgery is a punishment. I saw the constant dieting a punishment for gaining weight. I’d got to the point that nothing I did changed my weight. (Menopause did the final number on me.)

I’m five years out. Do I think I’m on a diet now? No, this is just how I eat. Do I feel like I’m not eating enough? No, because I’ve learnt what I eat is appropriate for my needs and I used to eat way too much & way more than my body needed. I pretty much eat the recommended portion size of foods. Do I feel like I’m missing out on anything? No. There’s always alternatives, or you can have a small amount of what ever it is others are having or you used to enjoy. It comes down to how often you have it and how much you have. Plus you may find new things you really enjoy. Do I want to go back to eating exactly like I did before ? No. I mean that’s how I got to the weight I was & why I always struggled. Do I like to exercise. No & never really did before either (another punishment in the most part) so you’re ahead of me in that game. But I have found some things I do (little things like stretches and using resistance bands I do throughout my day) & I actually don’t mind doing them.

A lot is of this is about learning & introducing new habits, new routines and developing a new relationship with food. Never be reluctant to seek the help & support of a therapist. Your head can be your greatest enemy.

I do have a couple of little issues I deal with since my sleeve? Yes, I call them my quirks. I had a quirky tummy before my surgery so nothing new really just some are different & some are gone. Doesn’t stop me doing what I enjoy.

PS And congrats on being able to do a push up. I’ve never been able to do a proper one. I can get down but can’t get back up again - tee hee! I do wall pushups though - stand about a meter away from a wall.

[buildabetteranna 7]

I appreciate your taking your time to reply ❤️
I feel like I'm not communicating my feelings as efficiently as I can. My thoughts about dieting are similar to that of surgery. I feel as though its a punishment because "normal" people don't need to do this. My downfall is comparison- The line of thought is if I were just an average person, I wouldn't be so big in the first place, I could eat what I want and actually not go overboard. I could do so many things differently, in my head. Realistically I know obesity is on the rise so everyone eating what they want is no longer realistic for many. It's more or less wishful thinking at this point.
I've been dieting since I was 5, and believe me that does feel like a punishment lol. I see my counselor once a week, because I, like so many, have a lot of trauma in my past. Late last year I checked myself into an outpatient eating disorder program for binge eating, because I was sure that is my problem. After 4 weeks of doing multiple hours long sessions, I was told my issue is not eating enough when I start my day, and then that trigger major hunger later. Truth be told I don't know about all that, I do know I need to heal my relationship with food and I am working on that.
All in all, I know I will make it through, I've been working towards surgery since January of this year. It's given me a lot of time for thinking and reflecting. Too much time sometimes, lol. Thanks for hearing me out and all the great insight. I truly do appreciate it ❤️

17 hours ago, Arabesque said:

Welcome. Yes, there will be many changes ahead but there will also be so many benefits and wins. And yes, it’s not uncommon to have concerns and fears and mourn what you used to do. (Yes, you may find the thread @summerseeker recommended helpful. At least in knowing you’re not alone in how you’re feeling.)

I can only speak from my experience. Did I feel worried or grieve before my surgery or after? Honestly no. I truely had, had enough. And it all happened very quickly like not quite 6 weeks between seeing my GP for a referral & my surgery. Though I am someone who once makes a decision I stick to it. It’s interesting you should say you feel having the surgery is a punishment. I saw the constant dieting a punishment for gaining weight. I’d got to the point that nothing I did changed my weight. (Menopause did the final number on me.)

I’m five years out. Do I think I’m on a diet now? No, this is just how I eat. Do I feel like I’m not eating enough? No, because I’ve learnt what I eat is appropriate for my needs and I used to eat way too much & way more than my body needed. I pretty much eat the recommended portion size of foods. Do I feel like I’m missing out on anything? No. There’s always alternatives, or you can have a small amount of what ever it is others are having or you used to enjoy. It comes down to how often you have it and how much you have. Plus you may find new things you really enjoy. Do I want to go back to eating exactly like I did before ? No. I mean that’s how I got to the weight I was & why I always struggled. Do I like to exercise. No & never really did before either (another punishment in the most part) so you’re ahead of me in that game. But I have found some things I do (little things like stretches and using resistance bands I do throughout my day) & I actually don’t mind doing them.

A lot is of this is about learning & introducing new habits, new routines and developing a new relationship with food. Never be reluctant to seek the help & support of a therapist. Your head can be your greatest enemy.

I do have a couple of little issues I deal with since my sleeve? Yes, I call them my quirks. I had a quirky tummy before my surgery so nothing new really just some are different & some are gone. Doesn’t stop me doing what I enjoy.

PS And congrats on being able to do a push up. I’ve never been able to do a proper one. I can get down but can’t get back up again - tee hee! I do wall pushups though - stand about a meter away from a wall.

Edited October 21 by buildabetteranna

[RuizAyres 27]

@buildabetteranna
Hi, I just had my sleeve done yesterday 10/21 w/hernia repair. For me only…I have to be truthful the surgery came off great but recovery has been very ruff. It almost didn’t happen , it was approved the morning of because of primary not following through. The pain level has been high but today it’s been more easily managed. Still there especially if not on schedule. Doc came in today and showed me pics of operation…neat..going home tomorrow! The diet before and after it’s going to be hard for me. Not use to limiting myself on anything. Chit chat later maybe?

[RuizAyres 27]

I’m sorry this doesn’t really answer your concerns. Tried deleting but can’t.

[buildabetteranna 7]

8 hours ago, RuizAyres said:

@buildabetteranna
Hi, I just had my sleeve done yesterday 10/21 w/hernia repair. For me only…I have to be truthful the surgery came off great but recovery has been very ruff. It almost didn’t happen , it was approved the morning of because of primary not following through. The pain level has been high but today it’s been more easily managed. Still there especially if not on schedule. Doc came in today and showed me pics of operation…neat..going home tomorrow! The diet before and after it’s going to be hard for me. Not use to limiting myself on anything. Chit chat later maybe?

Hi, and ty for sharing your experience with me, no worries. I am always interested in making a new friend for chatting so feel free to message me<3 Yes the surgery isn't gonna be so bad I think, it's the pain after I'm more concerned with.

[Arabesque 7,218]

54 minutes ago, buildabetteranna said:

Hi, and ty for sharing your experience with me, no worries. I am always interested in making a new friend for chatting so feel free to message me<3 Yes the surgery isn't gonna be so bad I think, it's the pain after I'm more concerned with.

You’ll get good drugs to begin but most of us find by day 3 or 4 you don’t need anything beside maybe the odd over the counter pain med (not a NSAID). I took a prescribed opioid on the morning of day 4 and never took another nor anything else. I actually don’t think I needed it that morning. I haven’t needed anything after day 3 of any of my other laparoscopic abdominal surgeries (gall & hysterectomy). But we are all different and have different pain thresholds.

[RuizAyres 27]

I’ve had like 5-6 laparoscopic abdominal surgeries plus two open ones and this one has kicked my butt. It was including a large esophageal hernia repair also though. IDK but the pain has been relentless not as bad as night of surgery but not good. I hope to not have to use as many opioids after a week maybe but I’m on them anyway because of chronic pain from osteoporosis fractures. It’s hard for me to stand up straight to walk. I have 5 abdominal holes? How many do most have?

[Arabesque 7,218]

I have 5 from my sleeve & gall surgeries. Same surgeon & he used the same scars for the gall & thankfully didn’t make them bigger or more noticeable. Differences can be in location. Mine are basically in line with my belly button, just below my waist.

Got three new ones from my recent hysterectomy: one above each hip bone & one above my pubic bone. They used my belly button one again too which makes three surgeries using it. It’s pretty tiny now from the sutures.

The scaring is barely visible fir the sleeve & gall. Was talking about scars with my younger nieces & nephews on Sunday & the 7yr old asked to see them. I actually struggled to find them. (Used Bio Oil for the first 2 surgeries and silicon gel this time - amazingly good.)