gastric sleeve Thoughts from limbo

[buildabetteranna 0]

Hi guys, my name is Anna and I'm really glad I found this site. I received approval from my insurance earlier this week, there's just one x-ray needed and then I will be scheduled. My mom had the same procedure over 2 years ago, but she's more of a cautionary tale of what not to do. I have friends who have had it done as well. The hardest part of this process for me has been giving up cigarettes, and trying to lose weight on my own. I started my umpteenth weight loss journey November of 2022, and finally went back to see my moms doctor in January of this year, after chickening out a couple times before. No matter what I've done I have no been able to get below 300 since 2016. My highest weight was 374. The smallest I've been is 230 in my 20s after losing 70 lbs and keeping it off 2 years. Right now I'm chilling at around 340, have been for almost 2 years.
I love the gym, I love swimming, I love being active. But I have a lot of chronic pain from back and neck issues, as well as arthritis and between that and depression, it can be hard to get out of bed some days. Last time this year I had just finished a 16 week fitness challenge at a local CrossFit center, where I learned to do a real push up, deadlifts and other strength and endurance building exercises. It was great, and I got down to 315. Then the program ended and about 25 lbs reappeared out of thin air (psych, I know lol).
I am hoping that this tool is the missing puzzle piece I've needed. I know how to track, how to measure, how to diet basically. And I know how to exercise. What I've struggled with more than anything is portion and hunger. It's hard to stay in a deficit when your stomach feels like it's gonna eat itself if you don't put enough food in it- That being said I do know I want to focus on Protein and Fiber for fullness, and I'm working on eating smaller and more frequent throughout the day which is helping some.

I guess I'm as ready as I will ever be. Am I the only one who has struggled with being a bit depressed about it all? Like I am mourning the loss of so much, including my stomach and the ability to indulge in a meal. I understand I still can, but it's not gonna be the same having a jr popcorn at the movies, when i had a good portion of a large gone before credits were over- ya know? Like people who don't struggle with their weight take a lot for granted. My whole life I've been big, and it has always felt like a punishment I didn't do anything to bring about. And society punishes you for being overweight/obese/plus size. Part of me feels like cutting out a part of my organs is another punishment I must endure because I am fat. I hope this makes sense, and these are just fleeting thoughts and feelings, mind you. I have a wonderful counselor I see weekly, and we have talked about this, among other things. But I wanted to bring it up here because I am wondering if anyone has struggled with this line of thinking? And if so what are some good things about the process to focus on? I know the outcome of the weight being gone and my appetite under control, and I want those things very much. But it's the actual surgery and the discomfort I know is coming after that trips me up.

Thank you all for taking the time to read this, and I wish you all well ❤️