Contemplating Surgery

[Vita-Mind Your Business 7]

I have been in line for the bypass surgery before, but each time I had doubts and was told by friends and family that I need to not take the easy way out. That a simple diet and exercise is enough. Granted, they are right, but I know me. I have an addiction to food because I grew up being over fed by my grandma who had alzheimers made me food every 30 minutes. I never grew out of that habit. I put a lot of merit into what people were telling me and that was when I was 21 and I'm now 30.

Now, all the consequences of my bad eating habits and lack of exercise is catching up. I now have joint damage in my knees making it extremely hard for me to take care of myself. Showering, cleaning, cooking, you name it. I also have sciatica and arthritis. I have arthritis in my hips and lower back. Now I am worried what could possibly start to fail next.

I guess I am just looking for some encouragement because the people in my life just don't seem to think it's a good idea. Deep down I think the bypass surgery is my only hope to live past my mid 30's. The people in my life just have a way of making me feel like I don't know what is best for me and it's leaving me with a lot of hesitation.

I don't need my hand held through life, but sometimes I need that push to do what is best for me.

Edited August 13 by Vita-Mind Your Business

[AmberFL 627]

I will say that everyone around me told me the same thing. I told them EFF IT! yes I can lose the weight, I have dieted since I was 12, lost 100lbs only to gain it back, lost 60lbs gained it back, and the pattern continued. I also got the "oh you will just gain it back in 5yrs" I FINALLY decided that what I was doing was not working! I needed an extra tool! Ozempic, Wegovy and those meds were not for me and I did not like how I would have to rely on them and they were hard to get plus PRICEY! I am 35 now and I made the decision to do this right before my birthday. I was 297lbs, hard to wake up, couldn't walk without getting winded, couldn't play with my kids, hated myself for my inability to live life and be that wife and mother that my family deserved.

I decided to make the appt and did not tell my family (minus my hubby) that I was going into surgery and here I am 6.5 ish months later, down 130lbs, exercising 1hr a day 6days a week, playing with my kids and having energy to spend time with the hubby, my life is SOOOOO much better. My only regret is not doing this sooner!!!

Now my best friend is now sleeved and is having tremendous results! My mom (who was my skeptic) is now talking to her doctor about the bypass. This is the not the easy way out, this is a tool to help us live!

I think you should what is good for YOU not for everyone else and don't listen to the haters! They aren't living a day in your life. They don't know the pain, the struggles and the worries you have.

Best of luck!! ❤️

Edited August 13 by AmberFL

[MrsFitz 374]

These friends and family - have they experienced your life and upbringing? Do they have weight issues? Do they have a food addiction? Do they have the medical issues that you have? If the answer to any of those questions is ‘no’, you must ask yourself why you have listened to them instead of going with your gut feelings? It seems that 9 years have passed since you first contemplated WLS and things haven’t improved for you.

If simple diet and exercise was enough, none of us would be overweight 🙂 Unfortunately everyone is different, with different bodies, metabolisms, abilities, disabilities, mental blocks, imperfect childhoods etc.

Only you can decide on what happens next. WLS is scary, it is a massive decision, one which shouldn’t be taken lightly. You have to decide on what YOU want, what your goals are, what you dream about for your future. This forum is a great place to discuss anything and everything connected to weight loss surgery, the reasons we need it, our fears, our hopes, our wins and our losses. I recommend reading what you can, asking questions if you’re unsure and being completely honest with yourself.

You deserve a chance of a better life and a healthy future 🙂

Edited August 13 by MrsFitz
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[NickelChip 1,114]

You say above that "granted, they are right." Respectfully, your friends and family are 100% wrong and don't have a clue what they're talking about. Obesity is not caused by a simple lack of willpower. If it were as simple as eating right and getting some exercise, none of us would be here right now.

You didn't supply your height and weight details, but based on the list of ailments you've mentioned, I'm guessing you have a significant amount of weight to lose, like well over 100 pounds. It's very hard to lose more than a small percentage of your body weight and keep it off. About 95% of people who lose weight through calorie restriction and going to the gym regain the weight. Not because of a lack of willpower, but because there are complex systems in our bodies that work hard to keep us at a weight our bodies have decided is right for us. Unfortunately, in those of us with obesity, that desirable weight has been set much too high. Fighting against that is extremely difficult.

That's not to say that surgery will fix your issues with food. It won't. You will still have to do all the work on your mental and physical health to lose the weight and keep it off. You will have to eat right. And exercise. And work on your food addiction by modifying your behavior, hopefully with the help of a professional therapist. You'll need to track your food intake for months if not for life, and there will probably be foods that you will never be able to eat again, either because they make you ill or because they trigger bad behaviors that you need to avoid. You'll have to learn a whole new way of cooking and eating. You'll have to be careful of transfer addictions. Sometimes you will feel left out when everyone else can eat things and you can't. You'll have to defend your choices to people who have no idea what they're talking about and no filter on their opinions.

Surgery is frickin' difficult. But, it's effective. It changes your hormonal balance to make your body want to be at a healthier weight. If you follow the rules, you will lose weight and keep it off. Your physical health will improve. Your body will feel better. But you do have to follow the rules, and the rules are challenging. You have to be ready for it, and even when you think you're ready, it's common to make mistakes and to struggle sometimes. You'll need a support system and the confidence that you've made the right choice for the long term even when it sucks in the present moment.

If you decide surgery is right for you, you will need to believe in yourself enough to look your family and friends in the eyes and invite them to either support your decision and help you, or else they can feel free to shove their negativity into the orifice of their choosing. This is your life, your body, and it's your right to decide what you need to live the best way you possibly can. No one else has to wake up with the pain you feel in your joints, hip, and back. No one else has to struggle through the day and have their options limited because of their size and health. No one else has a say in what you do to improve your situation.

But I will tell you this. There are probably some people in your life who will not think this is true. They will not appreciate you stepping out of your role as the obedient one and standing up for yourself and not doing what they want you to do. They will feel threatened. They will not like it when you lose weight, and they will say mean and nasty things about how you cheated and took the easy way, because if you succeed at this, they will feel like it takes something away from them. They are the ones with the problem, not you. They may try to sabotage your efforts and make you feel bad about yourself. Again, they are the ones who are wrong. But that doesn't make it easier in the moment. So make sure you have people to talk to who support you.

I wish you the best of luck. You're young and you deserve to have an awesome and long life full of good health and happiness. Don't let anyone else take away your chance at that.

Finally, here is a video that I highly recommend to help with your decision:

[Arabesque 6,982]

I completely agree with what everyone has said so far. I will add, there are many people on this forum who hesitated & deferred their surgery for many reasons (influence of family or friends, own fear & doubt, etc.) all say after they do have surgery, they wish they had done it the first time.

I hate people, who have never had the surgery, say it’s the easy way out & that they care about you. If they cared about you & your health they would support you wanting to do something to benefit & improve your health. And, importantly, it’s not easy. You have to watch every thing you eat & doing some form of activity is recommended but unlike any usual weight loss diet & exercise program you have to do a lot of head work. The head is where many of the issues that drive excessive eating (addictions, emotional issues, etc.) originate. The psychological aspect of the surgical program is great & a vital aspect of continued success. I can’t stress this enough. The other thing is that the programs get you to examine & change how & what you eat which any traditional diet doesn’t. It’s why traditional diets fail - we all go back to eating the same way we always did.

However, the whole process does get easier as you progress and get to the point of maintaining your lower weight. Many of your new learned eating behaviours & food choices become imbedded and second nature. New habits are formed. Less liked foods become favourites. You’ll discover & enjoy new cooking styles & ingredients. You’ll learn what you can & can’t eat to maintain your weight & how much & how often of some other things you can eat (like those old favourites). And you work out a way to eat that is sustainable and doesn’t feel like you are missing out or punishing yourself like a traditional diet does.

If you decide to explore the surgical option again, maybe don’t tell anyone until you are completely certain about your decision and won’t be swayed by people who don’t understand or respect your opinions, intelligence, decision making abilities & have never walked in your shoes through your life.

All the best which ever path you chose.

Edited August 14 by Arabesque

[catwoman7 11,157]

obesity is a very complex condition, and it takes a multi-pronged approach to lose weight. Among other things, there are biological changes which occur when you're obese (people with obesity even have different gut bacteria than people who don't) which make it very difficult to lose weight and especially, keep it off. You have to fight biology to do it, and biology usually wins. Fewer than 5% of people who lose a lot of weight are able to keep it off.

I was in that battle for decades (I'm in my mid-60s - had surgery at age 55). I cannot tell you how many times I lost 15 or 20 lbs, just to have it come back on. On my more successful attempts, I'd lose 50 or 60 lbs - but again, it just came back on - and I had 200 lbs to lose! Surgery was the only thing that ever worked for me. There's a good chance I'd be dead by now if I hadn't had it.

people who've never struggled with obesity have no idea what they're talking about. Listen to your doctor and yourself, and not people who have no clue what they're talking about.

[ShoppGirl 4,323]

If it was the “easy way out” then people like me wouldn’t need revision surgeries. It’s just a tool and if you don’t do your part it doesn’t work so it’s certainly no magic wand. Don’t wait until your body is in worse shape. Your still young and with a little help you can change you life significantly.

Aside from the fact that they are wrong scientifically and statistically, so what if it was the “easy way out.” Do these people bear their clothes against rocks or use brooms instead of vacuum cleaners? Do they believe that power tools are the easy way out and refuse to use them? The fact is housework still sucks and carpentry is hard regardless of whether you have the best tools or not.

if you think of weight loss As a task like laundry, surgery would be the washing machine. If you only had one or two loads to do you could probably get it done by beating it on rocks and avoid the need for a special machine but when you are obese and have a lot more loads to do you need a washing machine to make it possible to get it all done.

The surgery is just a tool. Just as you don’t wake up from surgery never having to do laundry again, you won’t be able to lye around and eat bon bons and just lose weight. If you don’t do your part for laundry your washing machine will just be a dusty machine in the corner and your laundry will pile up. And like me if you don't do your part with the surgery, you won’t lose what you should and the pounds will start to pack back on.

Be kind to yourself. You have a very complex disease that requires medical intervention. An intervention that you deserve just as much as someone with heart disease needs medication or surgery. Don’t let the ignorance of others stop you from doing what is right for yourself and your life. You deserve all the help you can get to accomplish whatever goal you set out to do and anyone that says that they wouldn’t do the same thing is not really putting themselves in your shoes.

[NeonRaven8919 140]

2 hours ago, ShoppGirl said:

If it was the “easy way out” then people like me wouldn’t need revision surgeries. It’s just a tool and if you don’t do your part it doesn’t work so it’s certainly no magic wand. Don’t wait until your body is in worse shape. Your still young and with a little help you can change you life significantly.

Aside from the fact that they are wrong scientifically and statistically, so what if it was the “easy way out.” Do these people bear their clothes against rocks or use brooms instead of vacuum cleaners? Do they believe that power tools are the easy way out and refuse to use them? The fact is housework still sucks and carpentry is hard regardless of whether you have the best tools or not.

if you think of weight loss As a task like laundry, surgery would be the washing machine. If you only had one or two loads to do you could probably get it done by beating it on rocks and avoid the need for a special machine but when you are obese and have a lot more loads to do you need a washing machine to make it possible to get it all done.

The surgery is just a tool. Just as you don’t wake up from surgery never having to do laundry again, you won’t be able to lye around and eat bon bons and just lose weight. If you don’t do your part for laundry your washing machine will just be a dusty machine in the corner and your laundry will pile up. And like me if you don't do your part with the surgery, you won’t lose what you should and the pounds will start to pack back on.

Be kind to yourself. You have a very complex disease that requires medical intervention. An intervention that you deserve just as much as someone with heart disease needs medication or surgery. Don’t let the ignorance of others stop you from doing what is right for yourself and your life. You deserve all the help you can get to accomplish whatever goal you set out to do and anyone that says that they wouldn’t do the same thing is not really putting themselves in your shoes.

That's a really good analogy! Obesity is the only disease people seem to think it's ok to comment about "the easy way out" and it's usually people like my neighbour who is thin as a rail, gains 1kg in a month and shrieks about how fat she's gotten. In other words, people who don't have a clue. If you got a hip replacement so that you could walk without a wheelchair, that's an operation that makes your life easier, but no one says that's taking the easy way out!

[catwoman7 11,157]

3 hours ago, ShoppGirl said:

If it was the “easy way out” then people like me wouldn’t need revision surgeries. It’s just a tool and if you don’t do your part it doesn’t work so it’s certainly no magic wand. Don’t wait until your body is in worse shape. Your still young and with a little help you can change you life significantly.

Aside from the fact that they are wrong scientifically and statistically, so what if it was the “easy way out.” Do these people bear their clothes against rocks or use brooms instead of vacuum cleaners? Do they believe that power tools are the easy way out and refuse to use them? The fact is housework still sucks and carpentry is hard regardless of whether you have the best tools or not.

if you think of weight loss As a task like laundry, surgery would be the washing machine. If you only had one or two loads to do you could probably get it done by beating it on rocks and avoid the need for a special machine but when you are obese and have a lot more loads to do you need a washing machine to make it possible to get it all done.

The surgery is just a tool. Just as you don’t wake up from surgery never having to do laundry again, you won’t be able to lye around and eat bon bons and just lose weight. If you don’t do your part for laundry your washing machine will just be a dusty machine in the corner and your laundry will pile up. And like me if you don't do your part with the surgery, you won’t lose what you should and the pounds will start to pack back on.

Be kind to yourself. You have a very complex disease that requires medical intervention. An intervention that you deserve just as much as someone with heart disease needs medication or surgery. Don’t let the ignorance of others stop you from doing what is right for yourself and your life. You deserve all the help you can get to accomplish whatever goal you set out to do and anyone that says that they wouldn’t do the same thing is not really putting themselves in your shoes.

I, too, love this analogy!!

[JennyBeez 283]

I get so angry when I hear people say that WLS is 'the easy way out'. It's not. If it were the easy way out, none of us would need to come on these forums for support.

Some people make it sound like WLS is cheating, a dark and dirty thing. The implication is that we should all be able to do it with diet and exercise, and if we're not doing it that way it's because we're lazy and lack willpower. These people are, frankly, bullies -- even if they don't mean it that way.

I think some people feel threatened by the idea of us having WLS. I have three of them whom are still in my life. One has become more supportive since the surgery but still makes it known from time to time (especially whenever I've facing a struggle) that he didn't think I should have the surgery. The other two were supportive pre-op but as soon as the weight started coming off, jealousy kicked in and they started talking about how 'easy' it was and how they want the surgery but can't afford it / don't qualify, etc -- all while talking about how they would 'cheat' by doing this, this or this.

The people that want to support you, no matter your decision, will support you. They'll read any literature you give them -- or do their own research. They'll ask you questions about the process & the post-op lifestyle and will listen to your response.

There are bound to be people in your life that will need a bit of a learning curve, or who can't get out of their own heads enough to really consider the different between helpful comments/criticism and cattiness/bullying/cruelty. Some might just need a little conversation or confrontation about their phrasing and word choices; others might need to be cut off until/unless they learn to not be sh!tty humans.

At the end of the day -- at the end of every day, actually -- only you can decide what's right for you. You are the only one with full knowledge of your body, your physical/mental/emotional struggles, your trials up until now, etc. Even your doctor can only go so far in helping to decide if this is right for you. Try to push out the words of people who Don't Know your details, or even basic knowledge about the surgeries. Do your own research, talk to people who've done it, consult with your physicians, etc.

❤️ Good luck. Whatever you decide to do, make that choice with the faith and confidence that you're choosing for your best life, whatever that looks like.

[ShoppGirl 4,323]

I wonder if after hearing all of these perspectives if starting with a therapist that specializes in disordered eating may help. You mentioned that you haxe some behaviors that are ingrained from childhood that make things challenging for you and they may be able to help with that. Honestly it will most likely make your even more successful in the long run when you do decide whether surgery is right for you. And if you still don’t want to do it booefully you can lose something with the therapists help. Anything you lose will only make you that much healthier and if survey is the end goal you will just have that much less to lose. My only other suggestion would be that once your even beginning to lean more towards doing surgery that you make your appt and get the ball rolling because it’s a pretty lengthy process and once you do make your mind up if your like many of us the wait seems really long. Actually making that first appointment may hurt either. Make a list of your exact fears and get exact statistics to help you decide. Many of the risks are less than getting in a car and driving. But do yourself a favor and ask what your risks are if obesity related complications too if you do nothing. For most of us doing nothing comes with far greater risk.

[ShoppGirl 4,323]

3 hours ago, NeonRaven8919 said:

That's a really good analogy! Obesity is the only disease people seem to think it's ok to comment about "the easy way out" and it's usually people like my neighbour who is thin as a rail, gains 1kg in a month and shrieks about how fat she's gotten. In other words, people who don't have a clue. If you got a hip replacement so that you could walk without a wheelchair, that's an operation that makes your life easier, but no one says that's taking the easy way out!

My husband is thin as a rail and can only put on a few pounds back In the day by eating fry daddy for dinner and a dozen doughnuts every day. Even then he didn’t gain that much. The best way I could explain it to him how hard it is to not eat when I am hungry was to explain the opposite. I came home with five Big Macs and after he just ate I told him to eat them. I said as much as your body is telling you NOT to eat them Big Macs and it would be almost impossible for you to eat I believe that it’s just as hard for me to ignore my body when it’s screaming out for food. He isn’t superior or less lazy or a harder worker or anything else that skinny people like to think. He is just blessed with good genes. He did nothing to earn or deserve them anymore than we did anything to earn or deserve our bad ones. In retrospect maybe five was a bit of overkill but I really wanted to make a statement. But just like some of us are blessed to be naturally pretty or cute and others are less fortunate in the looks department or some of us have a higher risk for certain. Illnesses, some people are lucky enough to be thin. We may have a tiny percentage or control by dressing a certain way or make up for looks or good preventative medical care for illnesses but ultimately it just is what it is. Now there are others that work at it everyday who are a different story but my husband and it sounds like your neighbor are just blessed. i think i finally got through to him about that.

Edited August 14 by ShoppGirl

[SleeveToBypass2023 2,482]

Obesity is an eating disorder. You wouldn't tell someone with anorexia "just go eat a sandwich and stop exercising so much" or someone with bulimia "just stop binging and throwing up. Just don't do it". So telling someone who is obese to just diet and work out and you'll be fine is absolutely WRONG. Yes, it's an addiction to food, but it's usually a trauma response because of something(s) we went through or are going through in our lives.

Like every other eating disorder, it gets out of our control, we become addicted, and as much as we know it's unhealthy and bad for us and we need to stop, we can't. That's why we need the surgery AND support groups AND therapy. The surgery alone isn't enough. This is a lifelong, multi-step process. But it's completely possible to turn your life around and become who you have always been meant to be. Ignore those that won't support you. They aren't you, they aren't going through everything you are, and they haven't lived your life or experienced your emotions and thoughts.

This is your chance to save yourself. So many of us, myself included, have been faced with our mortality and poor choices and had to make the hard choice and do the work. But I don't regret any of it and would do it all again. If you're ready to take your life back, then do it. If you don't find support in your real life, I can promise you you'll find it here. This place is amazing, and we're happy to answer any questions you might have