Let's Talk GRIEF! An ongoing thread about bariatric grief!

[Mspretty86 94]

New week new things that I grieve ... pre-menstruation hunger and menstruation hunger needs to be further talked about in the bariatric community.

Edited August 20 by Mspretty86

[BlondePatriotInCDA 413]

JennyBeez you wrote; " grieve the convenience of high fat/sugar/calorie foods. The ability to go anywhere with friends or family for a meal and not have to worry about 'will I be able to find something I can eat?' and cruising the menu online first."

Hi, I'm blonde patriot living in CDA, and I have a problem. I'm a social eater..."

This is the hardest for me. I am already sick of doing the menu scans beforehand. It quickly made me realize that 99.9% of the food at restaurants is a no go due to being fried, made with sugar or extremely high in carbs and calories! Plus, if you're like I am, I detest cooking and eating out is what my husband, friends and family do - we enjoy, excuse me I use to and they still do enjoy food and the experience. It took all the joy out of get togethers for me. Plus most food I can eat tastes bland now.

Now before anyone says "but you can still enjoy being with friends and family foods just a small part of that" <rolls eyes> they don't understand - it wasn't and isn't a small part of it. When we used to go out it was to eat, we'd share our choices, talk about the differences between this and that choice here and at other restaurants etc. It was one of the main reasons we got together! We had certain restaurants for celebrating birthdays, promotions, good semester grades and holidays etc. We had certain dishes - our favorites depending on what our activities for the day were. Now, I spend the first 15 mins examining the menu picking each thing apart ..does it have fat, too many calories, carbs, Protein or hidden sugars will it even taste decent? Is it 300 calories or preferably less? After that I look longingly at others choices I actually want. Then comes the dreaded lets get an after dinner drink or coffee with dessert. So I get to watch that too from the sidelines.

Even my husbands and my retirement has changed, we had a list of the places in the U.S. that were known for specialties such as a lobster rolls in Maine, black Beans and rice in New Orleans, Philly cheese steaks in Philly, New York pizza etc., for our first year of retirement we were going to rent an RV and travel..visit those places based on our food choices and eat their specialties, they were our destinations. Then, after the first year my husband wanted to "belly up" to the shrimp and lobster bars on cruises for "days on end." Now all this has changed and I'm now resentful at myself and society. Myself because well becoming obese and society for being judgmental and valuing youth, beauty and being thin over the value of a persons worth inside!

Yes, I'm thinner and healthier and most likely will live longer (no guarantees)... but...to be honest I don't want to take a walk instead of going to a restaurant as one person said and as my dietician suggests. They're NOT the same thing, one does not equal the other! No friend who wants to go out and about with the girls to shop and eat wants to substitute a walk instead. I DO know its my "new reality" and I do what I must, I'm just not happy about it. It feels as if a part of the joy has been removed, sucked out of life along with a portion of my stomach. Yes...I do try and find other things.. .but yeah well. Everything involved food, go to the beach pack a lunch (not two separate lunches one I can eat and the rest for everyone else), go shopping, go to the theater with dinner beforehand, go to the movies, go dancing - nope no alcohol or anything with calories oh joy - water!!!. Lol no one ever said hey girls lets do a girls day...and hit the gym where we can all sweat together, grunt and watch others pop veins struggling to lift a weight bar for fun!

Even my poor husband has had to change, he used to be excited to bring some new food home he found at a new restaurant or even at the grocery store he'd want to share with me...nope not anymore. He just eats it before he gets home to save me and him the having to turn it down.

So yes, I mourn not only the food, but the convenience, fun and get togethers. I have even noticed my friends don't call much anymore to "do" lunches because they'd always ask "where CAN you eat now"? The choices were limited or I'd have to ask the server for considerations..making it more work than fun. 300 calories or less is extremely hard to do at restaurants and my friends didn't want to put me through it anymore.

So yes, I mourn.

Sorry for the long whine/rant but Jenny geez brought it all up again for me.

Edited August 31 by BlondePatriotInCDA

[Mspretty86 94]

9 hours ago, BlondePatriotInCDA said:

JennyBeez you wrote; " grieve the convenience of high fat/sugar/calorie foods. The ability to go anywhere with friends or family for a meal and not have to worry about 'will I be able to find something I can eat?' and cruising the menu online first."

Hi, I'm blonde patriot living in CDA, and I have a problem. I'm a social eater..."

This is the hardest for me. I am already sick of doing the menu scans beforehand. It quickly made me realize that 99.9% of the food at restaurants is a no go due to being fried, made with sugar or extremely high in carbs and calories! Plus, if you're like I am, I detest cooking and eating out is what my husband, friends and family do - we enjoy, excuse me I use to and they still do enjoy food and the experience. It took all the joy out of get togethers for me. Plus most food I can eat tastes bland now.

Now before anyone says "but you can still enjoy being with friends and family foods just a small part of that" <rolls eyes> they don't understand - it wasn't and isn't a small part of it. When we used to go out it was to eat, we'd share our choices, talk about the differences between this and that choice here and at other restaurants etc. It was one of the main reasons we got together! We had certain restaurants for celebrating birthdays, promotions, good semester grades and holidays etc. We had certain dishes - our favorites depending on what our activities for the day were. Now, I spend the first 15 mins examining the menu picking each thing apart ..does it have fat, too many calories, carbs, Protein or hidden sugars will it even taste decent? Is it 300 calories or preferably less? After that I look longingly at others choices I actually want. Then comes the dreaded lets get an after dinner drink or coffee with dessert. So I get to watch that too from the sidelines.

Even my husbands and my retirement has changed, we had a list of the places in the U.S. that were known for specialties such as a lobster rolls in Maine, black Beans and rice in New Orleans, Philly cheese steaks in Philly, New York pizza etc., for our first year of retirement we were going to rent an RV and travel..visit those places based on our food choices and eat their specialties, they were our destinations. Then, after the first year my husband wanted to "belly up" to the shrimp and lobster bars on cruises for "days on end." Now all this has changed and I'm now resentful at myself and society. Myself because well becoming obese and society for being judgmental and valuing youth, beauty and being thin over the value of a persons worth inside!

Yes, I'm thinner and healthier and most likely will live longer (no guarantees)... but...to be honest I don't want to take a walk instead of going to a restaurant as one person said and as my dietician suggests. They're NOT the same thing, one does not equal the other! No friend who wants to go out and about with the girls to shop and eat wants to substitute a walk instead. I DO know its my "new reality" and I do what I must, I'm just not happy about it. It feels as if a part of the joy has been removed, sucked out of life along with a portion of my stomach. Yes...I do try and find other things.. .but yeah well. Everything involved food, go to the beach pack a lunch (not two separate lunches one I can eat and the rest for everyone else), go shopping, go to the theater with dinner beforehand, go to the movies, go dancing - nope no alcohol or anything with calories oh joy - water!!!. Lol no one ever said hey girls lets do a girls day...and hit the gym where we can all sweat together, grunt and watch others pop veins struggling to lift a weight bar for fun!

Even my poor husband has had to change, he used to be excited to bring some new food home he found at a new restaurant or even at the grocery store he'd want to share with me...nope not anymore. He just eats it before he gets home to save me and him the having to turn it down.

So yes, I mourn not only the food, but the convenience, fun and get togethers. I have even noticed my friends don't call much anymore to "do" lunches because they'd always ask "where CAN you eat now"? The choices were limited or I'd have to ask the server for considerations..making it more work than fun. 300 calories or less is extremely hard to do at restaurants and my friends didn't want to put me through it anymore.

So yes, I mourn.

Sorry for the long whine/rant but Jenny geez brought it all up again for me.

Trust me I am with you whole heartedly @BlondePatriotInCDA...today we drove to Louisiana to go the casino and I am beyond mad! We all ate at a buffet and I wanted the rolls, mashed potatoes etc...The Win for today tho is my own mom did not no who I was she sat by me at a machine and said "a mamn can I ask you"...she stopped and looked and was like damn I didn't even know my own baby. This journey is hard as hell. We always have to find a win through the grief. I grieve every damn day. I am a big baker as well imagine making people red velvet cakes with the cream cheese icing and not being able to eat it.

for restaurants I stick to steak, and veggies I no longer make a deal of it because I know I will not be able to enjoy my "big girl" pleasures I once knew. It's like the enjoyment of eating out is now one big RIP 🪦.

Edited September 1 by Mspretty86

[BlondePatriotInCDA 413]

4 minutes ago, Mspretty86 said:

Trust me I am with you whole heartedly @BlondePatriotInCDA...today we drove to Louisiana to go the casino and I am beyond mad! We all ate at a buffet and I wanted the rolls, mashed potatoes etc...The Win for today tho is my own mom did not no who I was she sat by me at a machine and said "a mamn can I ask you"...she stopped and looked and was like damn I didn't even know my own baby. This journey is hard as hell. We always have to find a win through the grief. I grieve every damn day. I am a big baker as well imagine making people red velvet cakes with the cream cheese icing and not being able to eat it.

for restaurants I stick to steak, and veggies I no longer make a deal of it because I know I will not be able to enjoy my "big girl" pleasures I once knew. It's like the enjoyment of eating out is now one big RIP 🪦.

I wish I enjoyed steaks, but unless its a very tender filet mignon I don't like them..its all the chewing. I have food texture issues 😔

I agree eating out is "one big RIP"!

That's amazing, your mother didn't recognize you! You must be beaming! I haven't seen my parents or sister since my surgery (Aug 23) we live in separate states so we shall see if they recognize me!

I hate cooking, but I do occasionally like to bake although not anymore (I used to decorate cakes in a bakery and boy do I miss a fresh fried donut!) and I fully understand missing out on not tasting a red velvet! Lol making my mouth Water thinking about it! I ohhhh and rolls, I have a lot of Irish in me and love me some bread!

Thanks for understanding the food mourning!

[Mspretty86 94]

6 minutes ago, BlondePatriotInCDA said:

I wish I enjoyed steaks, but unless its a very tender filet mignon I don't like them..its all the chewing. I have food texture issues 😔

I agree eating out is "one big RIP"!

That's amazing, your mother didn't recognize you! You must be beaming! I haven't seen my parents or sister since my surgery (Aug 23) we live in separate states so we shall see if they recognize me!

I hate cooking, but I do occasionally like to bake although not anymore (I used to decorate cakes in a bakery and boy do I miss a fresh fried donut!) and I fully understand missing out on not tasting a red velvet! Lol making my mouth Water thinking about it! I ohhhh and rolls, I have a lot of Irish in me and love me some bread!

Thanks for understanding the food mourning!

Sorry I screamed laughing for some reason when you said "all the chewing" for a steak 😂. Yes It's a lot of chewing but I love steak so damn much: even tho I chew 1000 times

Edited September 1 by Mspretty86

[BlondePatriotInCDA 413]

16 hours ago, Mspretty86 said:

Sorry I screamed laughing for some reason when you said "all the chewing" for a steak 😂. Yes It's a lot of chewing but I love steak so damn much: even tho I chew 1000 times

To me chewing a lot in a steak means tough, fatty (shivers one bite of fat on meat I'm done) or gristle makes want to throw up...its why I don't eat ribs. I Iove the taste, I just don't like the sneaky hidden fat pockets bleh!

[summerseeker 2,033]

Even after 2 plus years I still miss noodles

I still miss a Chinese take away

I still miss going for a day on the lash and a good curry

Even after 2 plus years I never miss the 150 lbs I lost

I never miss being so dreadfully unhealthy I couldn't clean my house

I never miss being not being stared at in the street

I never miss a penny of the cost of this surgery. I adore how I look in the mirror

Just give yourselves time to adjust, that person we were is no more and the new us have to grieve for our old selves. We are human, change does not come without some suffering. Eventually I hope to not struggle with my food addictions

[Mspretty86 94]

1 hour ago, summerseeker said:

Even after 2 plus years I still miss noodles

I still miss a Chinese take away

I still miss going for a day on the lash and a good curry

Even after 2 plus years I never miss the 150 lbs I lost

I never miss being so dreadfully unhealthy I couldn't clean my house

I never miss being not being stared at in the street

I never miss a penny of the cost of this surgery. I adore how I look in the mirror

Just give yourselves time to adjust, that person we were is no more and the new us have to grieve for our old selves. We are human, change does not come without some suffering. Eventually I hope to not struggle with my food addictions

Im with you there...I miss everything!

Edited September 1 by Mspretty86

[BlondePatriotInCDA 413]

2 hours ago, Mspretty86 said:

Im with you there...I miss everything!

3 hours ago, summerseeker said:

Even after 2 plus years I still miss noodles

I still miss a Chinese take away

I still miss going for a day on the lash and a good curry

Even after 2 plus years I never miss the 150 lbs I lost

I never miss being so dreadfully unhealthy I couldn't clean my house

I never miss being not being stared at in the street

I never miss a penny of the cost of this surgery. I adore how I look in the mirror

Just give yourselves time to adjust, that person we were is no more and the new us have to grieve for our old selves. We are human, change does not come without some suffering. Eventually I hope to not struggle with my food addictions

Ahhh Chinese take away..I somehow forgot about one of my favorites.. That and Phad Thai! 😥

[ms.sss 15,183]

for most, it doesn't have to be this way...i am 6 yrs out and i still go out yo eat and go to dinner parties and have coffee and dessert. if anything, i probably go even more than pre-wls cuz i live to get dressed up and go out and socialize more now. and yes, its almost always centred by food and eating and drinking.

i think the further out u get it gets a little less angsty cuz u have learned to trust yourself around food and know your limits in autopilot.

i order whatever i feel for and generally just have a taste of it and the rest is generally eaten by my meal companions or becomes a take out box. or compost if it wasn't very good. i particularly like to go out with lots of people cuz then i get to taste all their stuff too. and yeah, we will rate the food in order of preference, critique them and discuss what could be better or left out, take pics for our IG, etc lol.

i gave a bucket list of restaurants i am going trough locally and abroad.

in fact i am on vacay right now and we came with a list of restaurants and bars and cafes and snack joints to try and have gone through almost all of them plus a few extra we thought would be interesting. i'd estimate we've visited (and ate at!) 40+ restaurants and bars in the last 9 days. and this doesn't even include the multiple food stalls we sampled at the 3 food festivals/night markets we went to.

and for those that may be wondering, no, i did not regain all my weight back (i've stayed below goal weight since achieving it at 7 months post op, im 6 yrs out next month). aside: also may be worth noting that my travel companions are all normal sized and never had weight problems in thier lives (except maybe one of our group who is diabetic).

i guess what im trying to say is that food and food-centred social situations and vacations can still be enjoyed (im probably an extreme proof of this) and we dont need to miss out and feel deprived if we dont want to.

you can eat that burger (just maybe not the whole thing and definitely not 3 of them). and the beauty of eating less is you can have a taste of your friend's fries, a peice of your partner's steak, a sushi off ur kid's plate, a forkful of pie from the stranger at the other table...lol

anyway, thats just my very looooooong speech on foodie-ism and food enjoyment years on the other side.

[Mspretty86 94]

2 hours ago, ms.sss said:

for most, it doesn't have to be this way...i am 6 yrs out and i still go out yo eat and go to dinner parties and have coffee and dessert. if anything, i probably go even more than pre-wls cuz i live to get dressed up and go out and socialize more now. and yes, its almost always centred by food and eating and drinking.

i think the further out u get it gets a little less angsty cuz u have learned to trust yourself around food and know your limits in autopilot.

i order whatever i feel for and generally just have a taste of it and the rest is generally eaten by my meal companions or becomes a take out box. or compost if it wasn't very good. i particularly like to go out with lots of people cuz then i get to taste all their stuff too. and yeah, we will rate the food in order of preference, critique them and discuss what could be better or left out, take pics for our IG, etc lol.

i gave a bucket list of restaurants i am going trough locally and abroad.

in fact i am on vacay right now and we came with a list of restaurants and bars and cafes and snack joints to try and have gone through almost all of them plus a few extra we thought would be interesting. i'd estimate we've visited (and ate at!) 40+ restaurants and bars in the last 9 days. and this doesn't even include the multiple food stalls we sampled at the 3 food festivals/night markets we went to.

and for those that may be wondering, no, i did not regain all my weight back (i've stayed below goal weight since achieving it at 7 months post op, im 6 yrs out next month). aside: also may be worth noting that my travel companions are all normal sized and never had weight problems in thier lives (except maybe one of our group who is diabetic).

i guess what im trying to say is that food and food-centred social situations and vacations can still be enjoyed (im probably an extreme proof of this) and we dont need to miss out and feel deprived if we dont want to.

you can eat that burger (just maybe not the whole thing and definitely not 3 of them). and the beauty of eating less is you can have a taste of your friend's fries, a peice of your partner's steak, a sushi off ur kid's plate, a forkful of pie from the stranger at the other table...lol

anyway, thats just my very looooooong speech on foodie-ism and food enjoyment years on the other side.

This is good info never looked at it like this...I am afraid to trigger my addiction if I taste certain foods I may not be able to stop

[MrsFitz 377]

2 hours ago, ms.sss said:

for most, it doesn't have to be this way...i am 6 yrs out and i still go out yo eat and go to dinner parties and have coffee and dessert. if anything, i probably go even more than pre-wls cuz i live to get dressed up and go out and socialize more now. and yes, its almost always centred by food and eating and drinking.

i think the further out u get it gets a little less angsty cuz u have learned to trust yourself around food and know your limits in autopilot.

i order whatever i feel for and generally just have a taste of it and the rest is generally eaten by my meal companions or becomes a take out box. or compost if it wasn't very good. i particularly like to go out with lots of people cuz then i get to taste all their stuff too. and yeah, we will rate the food in order of preference, critique them and discuss what could be better or left out, take pics for our IG, etc lol.

i gave a bucket list of restaurants i am going trough locally and abroad.

in fact i am on vacay right now and we came with a list of restaurants and bars and cafes and snack joints to try and have gone through almost all of them plus a few extra we thought would be interesting. i'd estimate we've visited (and ate at!) 40+ restaurants and bars in the last 9 days. and this doesn't even include the multiple food stalls we sampled at the 3 food festivals/night markets we went to.

and for those that may be wondering, no, i did not regain all my weight back (i've stayed below goal weight since achieving it at 7 months post op, im 6 yrs out next month). aside: also may be worth noting that my travel companions are all normal sized and never had weight problems in thier lives (except maybe one of our group who is diabetic).

i guess what im trying to say is that food and food-centred social situations and vacations can still be enjoyed (im probably an extreme proof of this) and we dont need to miss out and feel deprived if we dont want to.

you can eat that burger (just maybe not the whole thing and definitely not 3 of them). and the beauty of eating less is you can have a taste of your friend's fries, a peice of your partner's steak, a sushi off ur kid's plate, a forkful of pie from the stranger at the other table...lol

anyway, thats just my very looooooong speech on foodie-ism and food enjoyment years on the other side.

This is the approach I’m hoping to take post-surgery 🙂 Thank you for explaining it so well.

[BlondePatriotInCDA 413]

5 hours ago, ms.sss said:

for most, it doesn't have to be this way...i am 6 yrs out and i still go out yo eat and go to dinner parties and have coffee and dessert. if anything, i probably go even more than pre-wls cuz i live to get dressed up and go out and socialize more now. and yes, its almost always centred by food and eating and drinking.

i think the further out u get it gets a little less angsty cuz u have learned to trust yourself around food and know your limits in autopilot.

i order whatever i feel for and generally just have a taste of it and the rest is generally eaten by my meal companions or becomes a take out box. or compost if it wasn't very good. i particularly like to go out with lots of people cuz then i get to taste all their stuff too. and yeah, we will rate the food in order of preference, critique them and discuss what could be better or left out, take pics for our IG, etc lol.

i gave a bucket list of restaurants i am going trough locally and abroad.

in fact i am on vacay right now and we came with a list of restaurants and bars and cafes and snack joints to try and have gone through almost all of them plus a few extra we thought would be interesting. i'd estimate we've visited (and ate at!) 40+ restaurants and bars in the last 9 days. and this doesn't even include the multiple food stalls we sampled at the 3 food festivals/night markets we went to.

and for those that may be wondering, no, i did not regain all my weight back (i've stayed below goal weight since achieving it at 7 months post op, im 6 yrs out next month). aside: also may be worth noting that my travel companions are all normal sized and never had weight problems in thier lives (except maybe one of our group who is diabetic).

i guess what im trying to say is that food and food-centred social situations and vacations can still be enjoyed (im probably an extreme proof of this) and we dont need to miss out and feel deprived if we dont want to.

you can eat that burger (just maybe not the whole thing and definitely not 3 of them). and the beauty of eating less is you can have a taste of your friend's fries, a peice of your partner's steak, a sushi off ur kid's plate, a forkful of pie from the stranger at the other table...lol

anyway, thats just my very looooooong speech on foodie-ism and food enjoyment years on the other side.

Thank you for letting us know that eventually we can "enjoy" food again! This makes me worry less about when we eventually retire!

[Lilia_90 246]

I did feel anxiety and something that's grief-like in my early days post-op.

I never did the liquid diet and was overwhelmed with how many things I thought I couldn't have. I have always enjoyed working out and always thought that not being to eat adequately will not allow me to workout intensely again.

Those days are far behind me now. I eat everything and that includes sushi, burgers, tacos, rice, noodles and even dessert. I have been traveling to Europe for 2 weeks and I had gelato, pizza, Pasta and bread every single day. I came back having lost weight. I walked 15k+ steps a day and enjoyed everything in moderation, I didn't eat big portions of anything, I rarely finished a whole scoop of gelato but I tasted everything and ate to satisfaction.

I eat well 90-95% of the time, but I definitely don't deprive myself of anything. I eat out on weekends and I love trying new restaurants and cafes, it really doesn't have to be like that. It really comes down to how much you eat. Use your restriction to know how much to eat and when to stop.

Of course I understand that the above might not be suitable for everyone, but the "all or nothing" mindset was something I struggled with pre WLS, but I find that adopting the "everything in moderation" OR "do I really want to eat that?" mindset now is really freeing and doesn't limit how I live my life. I love travel, I love food, I love culinary experiences and I am adamant to not let WLS get in the way of it. It is a tool that should be used to build good habits, which include Portion Control, daily movement and workouts but also freeing your mind of food fear and anxiety.

Edited September 3 by Lilia_90

[Mspretty86 94]

6 hours ago, Lilia_90 said:

I did feel anxiety and something that's grief-like in my early days post-op.

I never did the liquid diet and was overwhelmed with how many things I thought I couldn't have. I have always enjoyed working out and always thought that not being to eat adequately will not allow me to workout intensely again.

Those days are far behind me now. I eat everything and that includes sushi, burgers, tacos, rice, noodles and even dessert. I have been traveling to Europe for 2 weeks and I had gelato, pizza, Pasta and bread every single day. I came back having lost weight. I walked 15k+ steps a day and enjoyed everything in moderation, I didn't eat big portions of anything, I rarely finished a whole scoop of gelato but I tasted everything and ate to satisfaction.

I eat well 90-95% of the time, but I definitely don't deprive myself of anything. I eat out on weekends and I love trying new restaurants and cafes, it really doesn't have to be like that. It really comes down to how much you eat. Use your restriction to know how much to eat and when to stop.

Of course I understand that the above might not be suitable for everyone, but the "all or nothing" mindset was something I struggled with pre WLS, but I find that adopting the "everything in moderation" OR "do I really want to eat that?" mindset now is really freeing and doesn't limit how I live my life. I love travel, I love food, I love culinary experiences and I am adamant to not let WLS get in the way of it. It is a tool that should be used to build good habits, which include Portion Control, daily movement and workouts but also freeing your mind of food fear and anxiety.

Love this ..as I'm comming up on 5 months post op...im trying to decide how I would like to move ahead with the "maintenance" part of life. Maintaining a food lifestyle that I enjoy for life. I haven't yet decided on how that will look. It's good to hear your thoughts as it gives me insight on how I will maybe manage further down the line. As of now I don't even know what bread, or mash potatoes or any of the comforts I once enjoyed taste like 😂😂😂 anymore .

Edited September 3 by Mspretty86