Relationship

[AmberFL 746]

HI All!

More of a vent/ anyone else been in this situation?

I want to preface by saying I am smaller than when I first met my partner 4 and half yrs ago, he's been an amazing and supportive person during my journey. My initial fear was he would not be attracted me smaller since he met me as a curvy woman, I was open with my concerns before pursuing the surgery and he assured me that it would not change. We communicate really well and are open which is great and I love it!

Last night, he mentioned that it felt like he was having sex with a different person, he said not a bad thing and he is very much attracted me but it caught him off guard. I am not sure how I feel about him saying that. He seems to be more attracted me, he has even suggested clothing that shows off my figure more which he never cared about what I wore. I asked him if its because of what he wanted, he told me that he just wants me to feel confident in my body and that I should be proud of my hard work.

I was in a very mentally, emotionally and physically abusive relationship for 12yrs before I met my current partner. I think maybe I am just am in the mind set that I I have to hide myself. Its a new feeling of having a partner supportive and loves me for me. So, I am not sure how to work out my feelings with it.

[Lily2024 131]

It can feel awfully confusing, right? My lovely husband of many years never reacted any differently to my body regardless of size, and at my highest weight I started hiding out, not changing in front of him, etc. He told me then that my feeling awful about it was basically my issue and he shouldn't be punished for it. I remember crying and laughing through my tears. Today I'm 60 lbs down from 6 months ago and the look in his eyes hasn't changed one bit. He still loves me and my body. I'm a lucky gal, and I know it, but for a while I didn't know it, or couldn't internalize the fact that he loved me and my body the same. He also encourages me to wear clothes that are flattering because he knows it makes me feel good and when I feel good, he's more likely to be the recipient of that emotion.

Abusive relationships tend to taint everything, and it's hard to change the response to comments from well intended people to the appropriate response of knowing that they want the best for us and are sincere. Try giving him the benefit of the doubt.

[AmberFL 746]

23 minutes ago, Lily2024 said:

It can feel awfully confusing, right? My lovely husband of many years never reacted any differently to my body regardless of size, and at my highest weight I started hiding out, not changing in front of him, etc. He told me then that my feeling awful about it was basically my issue and he shouldn't be punished for it. I remember crying and laughing through my tears. Today I'm 60 lbs down from 6 months ago and the look in his eyes hasn't changed one bit. He still loves me and my body. I'm a lucky gal, and I know it, but for a while I didn't know it, or couldn't internalize the fact that he loved me and my body the same. He also encourages me to wear clothes that are flattering because he knows it makes me feel good and when I feel good, he's more likely to be the recipient of that emotion.

Abusive relationships tend to taint everything, and it's hard to change the response to comments from well intended people to the appropriate response of knowing that they want the best for us and are sincere. Try giving him the benefit of the doubt.

so confusing!!

I was in the same boat, I would grab my clothes and change in the bathroom, wouldn't want the lights on during intimacy. I feel the same, the look he gives me hasn't changed and I know I am lucky to have a man that is so supportive. Your right I jsut need to give him the benefit of the doubt. I am just navigating how to feel about these changes. The clothing, the confidence, my lack of butt LOL all of it

[ChunkCat 728]

Honestly I think this is one of the reasons therapy is so helpful when going through this experience. Even if you don't go every week, having a person who has both perspective and understands the ins and outs of abusive relationships and how they echo through us for years after can be immensely healing. You are changing a LOT and it is normal to have feels about that. And he will have feels about it too, because he loves you and as you change, he will have to change in some ways too, to accommodate and appreciate the ever-changing being that is you!

My partner doesn't care what weight I am. I gained 100 lbs since we were first married. We've been together 17 years. They look at me with just as much, if not more, desire than they did when I was young and smaller, which is hard to wrap my head around! They have always encouraged me to dress in ways that feel good. They prefer curvy women, always have. I have been worried that as I lose weight they might lose some of that attraction to me because in time, I will be smaller than they've ever known me, smaller than I've ever been in my adult life! But they assure me that while they aesthetically like the look of curvy women, they LOVE me in all my forms and my health and wellbeing is more important than anything else and no matter how I change, I will still be beautiful. If they loved me at 200 and they loved me at 320, they will love me at 170 or wherever I land. I've done enough work in therapy with the abuse I dealt with in the past to be able to trust what they say. But it still gets to me sometimes...

Today I noticed my boobs have become visibly flatter. This is really hard for me because I LOVE MY BOOBS. 🤣 I have always been booby and I like it! Last year I found out I carry the CHEK2 mutation and with my cancer history combined with it I have a much higher risk of developing breast cancer than I'd like. The specialist I saw advised I consider an elective mastectomy after my weight loss stabilizes. I understand the logic, but I've already had to bid goodbye to my reproductive organs thanks to cancer, I wasn't expecting to have to consider saying goodbye to my boobs too. So I was standing in the bathroom today having the feels about my flat boobs and my partner came in so I pointed out the change. They admitted they could see the difference but very stubbornly said "These are my favorite boobs in the whole world. They are the best boobs ever, no matter what size they are." FFS, really?? Am I not supposed to cry at that?? They said something similar when we talked about a mastectomy. I feel very lucky to have a partner that can abide all the changes that I've gone through in this life and still look at me through the eyes of love. I hope I succeed at giving that back to them...

[Lily2024 131]

Lol, I pointed out my new old lady butt and he just laughed with me. He finds it ridiculous the things I fret about on my body. It helps me to lighten up.

[Lily2024 131]

Lol, I pointed out my new old lady butt and he just laughed with me. He finds it ridiculous the things I fret about on my body. It helps me to lighten up.

[AmberFL 746]

36 minutes ago, ChunkCat said:

Honestly I think this is one of the reasons therapy is so helpful when going through this experience. Even if you don't go every week, having a person who has both perspective and understands the ins and outs of abusive relationships and how they echo through us for years after can be immensely healing. You are changing a LOT and it is normal to have feels about that. And he will have feels about it too, because he loves you and as you change, he will have to change in some ways too, to accommodate and appreciate the ever-changing being that is you!

My partner doesn't care what weight I am. I gained 100 lbs since we were first married. We've been together 17 years. They look at me with just as much, if not more, desire than they did when I was young and smaller, which is hard to wrap my head around! They have always encouraged me to dress in ways that feel good. They prefer curvy women, always have. I have been worried that as I lose weight they might lose some of that attraction to me because in time, I will be smaller than they've ever known me, smaller than I've ever been in my adult life! But they assure me that while they aesthetically like the look of curvy women, they LOVE me in all my forms and my health and wellbeing is more important than anything else and no matter how I change, I will still be beautiful. If they loved me at 200 and they loved me at 320, they will love me at 170 or wherever I land. I've done enough work in therapy with the abuse I dealt with in the past to be able to trust what they say. But it still gets to me sometimes...

Today I noticed my boobs have become visibly flatter. This is really hard for me because I LOVE MY BOOBS. 🤣 I have always been booby and I like it! Last year I found out I carry the CHEK2 mutation and with my cancer history combined with it I have a much higher risk of developing breast cancer than I'd like. The specialist I saw advised I consider an elective mastectomy after my weight loss stabilizes. I understand the logic, but I've already had to bid goodbye to my reproductive organs thanks to cancer, I wasn't expecting to have to consider saying goodbye to my boobs too. So I was standing in the bathroom today having the feels about my flat boobs and my partner came in so I pointed out the change. They admitted they could see the difference but very stubbornly said "These are my favorite boobs in the whole world. They are the best boobs ever, no matter what size they are." FFS, really?? Am I not supposed to cry at that?? They said something similar when we talked about a mastectomy. I feel very lucky to have a partner that can abide all the changes that I've gone through in this life and still look at me through the eyes of love. I hope I succeed at giving that back to them...

I love this! I know my partner loves me regardless of the weight I am as long as I am healthy. (one of the convos we had that if anyone on of us became unhealthily overweight we would have a conversation about that- I wasn't there) He does have to navigate how this is going to go and how he will feel towards me. The parts that he loved are getting small, so I have these self destructive thoughts. Its a me thing and I know that, because my guy always compliments me and tells me how much he loves my saggy boobies LOL or my handful of a butt now. he's encouragement. I don't want to put so much emphasis on looks but man its tough when that's the only thing that is changing!

Then I had an HR rep come up to me and tell me I am withering away and I look great. Like omg I wanna cry. I feel like I was this huge person walking around and more ppl want to talk to me. My partner is more handsy. Idk I didn't expect this. Its a lot ( I am rambling I know).

I went through a lot of therapy when I left my abusive ex and I consider myself a very strong woman but my god the last week or so I have been feeling a type of way!

[Mandy_VSG 35]

I just want to say that this thread makes me smile. 5 months ago, I came out of a 7 year relationship. He loved my body and I’m grateful for that, but unfortunately has a lot of demons of his own he was not willing to work on, so it ended badly.

Now that I’ve started this journey and am losing the weight, which is still so new as I’m only one month out, I see the change in my interactions with men and I find it very interesting. I am TERRIFIED of eventually getting back out there and dating. I’m afraid they won’t understand my story, my body, the inevitable loose skin or that I will be a different person entirely. It’s such a strange thing to think about.

I’m just happy to hear that so many of you are in body positive, supportive relationships. It means those men are out there.

[AmberFL 746]

9 minutes ago, Mandy_VSG said:

I just want to say that this thread makes me smile. 5 months ago, I came out of a 7 year relationship. He loved my body and I’m grateful for that, but unfortunately has a lot of demons of his own he was not willing to work on, so it ended badly.

Now that I’ve started this journey and am losing the weight, which is still so new as I’m only one month out, I see the change in my interactions with men and I find it very interesting. I am TERRIFIED of eventually getting back out there and dating. I’m afraid they won’t understand my story, my body, the inevitable loose skin or that I will be a different person entirely. It’s such a strange thing to think about.

I’m just happy to hear that so many of you are in body positive, supportive relationships. It means those men are out there.

They are out there!! when I left my abusive relationship I was scared to get back out there. Quite a few duds but then my bestie introduced me to my guy. We both brought a child into the relationship and now have one of our own! Good people are out there!! Im sorry you had that happen to you

[BriMattG 1]

It's hard to understand. When my girlfriend lost a lot of weight, her skin and breasts changed significantly, you know, and she was very hesitant to undress completely for a long time, not to mention being in the light. I tried to convince her for a long time that it didn't matter. Now that I've gained weight myself, I don't know if I should feel self-conscious; I just don't feel as calm anymore. And she says everything is fine, but you never really know how you're perceived. I'm confused.

[Mandy_VSG 35]

On 02/26/2024 at 17:59, AmberFL said:

They are out there!! when I left my abusive relationship I was scared to get back out there. Quite a few duds but then my bestie introduced me to my guy. We both brought a child into the relationship and now have one of our own! Good people are out there!! Im sorry you had that happen to you

Toxicity is terrible, isn’t it? But thank you for the hope. And that’s so beautiful that you guys are a blended family. Kids benefit so much from a happy and safe home 💜

[AmberFL 746]

3 hours ago, BriMattG said:

It's hard to understand. When my girlfriend lost a lot of weight, her skin and breasts changed significantly, you know, and she was very hesitant to undress completely for a long time, not to mention being in the light. I tried to convince her for a long time that it didn't matter. Now that I've gained weight myself, I don't know if I should feel self-conscious; I just don't feel as calm anymore. And she says everything is fine, but you never really know how you're perceived. I'm confused.

My partner and I had another conversation regarding this subject. He told me again, that its just different and then asked me if I felt different when he lost 40lbs. I told him no because I love him for him and it doesn't bother me what size he is. He said that's exactly how he feels. I told him that I expected to say something positive about this change, but then he told me "no, because then would be like admitting I did not like you bigger and that is not the case, its just different" So I think I just have to take it as he says it. But there are different things he says. He actually picked out certain item of clothing that he would like to see on me. And he never did that. However, I like that he is taking an interest makes me feel like he is proud to have me on his arm.

So with your girlfriend if she says everything is fine, then it is. She loves you for you!

[ms.sss 15,580]

lets be honest, after losing a significant amount of weight, we ARE different. not just in appearance, but in attitude, confidence and even how we carry ourselves. we stand up a little straighter, speak a little clearer, smile a little more, hide a little less.

for me, i also have a ton more energy to participate in more things, dress better, am unbelievably more patient and calm. i get angry and anxious less. and yes, im way hotter now than i was for about 10-15 years of our 25+ yr relationship.

i know my husband loves me. and i also know i look and behave differently now and he will respond and react differently to me as well.

i dont hold it against him when he stares at me nekkid (lol) or when he told me he misses my ginormous boobs. i mean, i miss the hair on his balding head, but i still love the guy anyway. and if he magically regrew all his hair back, i'd still love him (while running my fingers through his hair hahahhaha)

so long as he shows up every day as my partner in life, i don't care if appreciates my smaller frame better now or not.

[AmberFL 746]

15 hours ago, ms.sss said:

lets be honest, after losing a significant amount of weight, we ARE different. not just in appearance, but in attitude, confidence and even how we carry ourselves. we stand up a little straighter, speak a little clearer, smile a little more, hide a little less.

for me, i also have a ton more energy to participate in more things, dress better, am unbelievably more patient and calm. i get angry and anxious less. and yes, im way hotter now than i was for about 10-15 years of our 25+ yr relationship.

i know my husband loves me. and i also know i look and behave differently now and he will respond and react differently to me as well.

i dont hold it against him when he stares at me nekkid (lol) or when he told me he misses my ginormous boobs. i mean, i miss the hair on his balding head, but i still love the guy anyway. and if he magically regrew all his hair back, i'd still love him (while running my fingers through his hair hahahhaha)

so long as he shows up every day as my partner in life, i don't care if appreciates my smaller frame better now or not.

I love this! you are so right! I definitely look better, I am going back blond, I wear cuter clothes, cuter/sexier undergarments, I walk around nekked now instead of changing in the bathroom. You are right! I definitely just need to embrace this change!

[BlondePatriotInCDA 494]

On 2/26/2024 at 8:32 AM, AmberFL said:

HI All!

More of a vent/ anyone else been in this situation?

I want to preface by saying I am smaller than when I first met my partner 4 and half yrs ago, he's been an amazing and supportive person during my journey. My initial fear was he would not be attracted me smaller since he met me as a curvy woman, I was open with my concerns before pursuing the surgery and he assured me that it would not change. We communicate really well and are open which is great and I love it!

Last night, he mentioned that it felt like he was having sex with a different person, he said not a bad thing and he is very much attracted me but it caught him off guard. I am not sure how I feel about him saying that. He seems to be more attracted me, he has even suggested clothing that shows off my figure more which he never cared about what I wore. I asked him if its because of what he wanted, he told me that he just wants me to feel confident in my body and that I should be proud of my hard work.

I was in a very mentally, emotionally and physically abusive relationship for 12yrs before I met my current partner. I think maybe I am just am in the mind set that I I have to hide myself. Its a new feeling of having a partner supportive and loves me for me. So, I am not sure how to work out my feelings with it.

I'll give you some advise my husband gave me years ago (ask yourself these questions and you'll have your answer): "Do you know that I love you?" (Do you know your partner loves you) "Why would I say something to hurt someone I love? Remember, men are simple and stupid emotionally, we don't think things through when we say and do things, if you remember I love you and would never say anything to intentionally hurt you - attribute it to me being a stupid man."

Whenever I use my woman emotions/think and get hurt by something he said, I remember "men are emotionally stupid." If you have doubts, ask your partner otherwise you're just guessing his intent. It never hurts for clarification, but it can hurt to not ask!

P.S. my husband is actually very smart in his statement!

Edited March 22 by BlondePatriotInCDA