*RANT* How should I respond to my Sister (Re:Christmas)

[coltonwade 27]

Well, I called her. I should have called as soon as it started to bother me instead of waiting a couple hours. Instead I ended up stewing over it until by the time I called her I was practically shaking and ended up crying before I could even explain why I was calling. I told her that even though part of me understood her reasons which were more complex that I had posted, and not all to do with me or my issues, I was still hurt by what she had said.

Of course someone had to walk into my office while I was still crying/talking to her. I am one of those people who cry when what I really want to do is punch a hole in the wall (or a face) but know I don't want to face the consequences of such an action.

My sis apologized, said she still didn't know what she was going to do about the whole dad/me issue. I said I didn't want her to rearrange her plans just because I cried, but that she should think about how it looked. Knowing my sis, she'll probably stew about the call and then end up being mad right back at me.

Uhghhh, I can't wait until the holidays are OVER!!!

What is your relationship like with your mom and dad when the holidays are not here ? Do you see them ? do you spend time with them ?

Mindy

[TheGh0st 9]

What is your relationship like with your mom and dad when the holidays are not here ? Do you see them ? do you spend time with them ?

Mindy

Sorry all. I've been away from the internet. I'm at the In-Laws now so am able to catch up.

As I said my DH & I live about 3 hours away from the rest of our family. (Both Sides)

Mom - Great Relationship. She can drive me nuts but what parent doesn't. We talk multiple times a week. We can talk for hours and still not have a clue what we really talked about afterwards if asked.

Dad - Not very good. We are practically strangers. Ever since I was in grade school I use to beg my parents to divorce. I hated that they always said they were staying together for the sake of us kids. Made if feel like it was my fault they were miserable together. After I moved out of state Dad use to get upset at mom & I's long phone calls and it was like pulling teeth to get him to come visit or to "allow" mom to come down. Now that they are divorced I'd love to just leave the relationship in his hands. I love him but if he wants a relationship I wish he would work for it. Unfortunately my DH makes me maintain at least some contact with my father even if he doesn't call first. I think I have seen him maybe 3 times this year and spoke on the phone less than once every 3 months. Usually only when a holiday or birthday is emminant and we can no longer put off the call.

Sis - (only sibling) in School we HATED each other fought like cats and dogs. We are complete opposites. She is skinny fit and very vane. She has the attitude that she doesn't want anyone around unless everything is perfect. I would rather have fun with people I enjoy rather than worry about getting everything perfect for them. In recent years we had been getting along rather well surprisingly. Though we only see each other 3-4 times a year and don't get to talk too often as our schedules conflict. But ever since she reconciled with Dad she seems uncomfortable with the idea that I haven't. I know it would make more sense that I'd be jealous of her relationship with him but for some reason I'm not. I've never had one with him and at nearly 40 I don't really care if I ever do. I just don't see the need.

[TheGh0st 9]

Update on holiday. Stayed at sis' house. We acted as if the conversation never happened for the most part. Though she wouldn't make a commitment until Sat. Afternoon as to wether or not she wanted to go ahead and Celebrate with Dad & us together. DH & I had decided if she didn't we would just drive the extra hour to his house so she was still holding us a bit hostage by not letting us know what her decision was. I know I probably should have just told her we were going and took the control out of her hands, but it was much easier to not have to travel and once she made up her mind we all did have a good time. It really is easier for me to deal with my dad in a larger crowd.

.... Got to go In-laws are calling me back to their festivities. Much less stress but terrible Cookies. Suppose that is a blessing in disguise as my band is too loose right now. But that is for another thread.

[coltonwade 27]

Sorry all. I've been away from the internet. I'm at the In-Laws now so am able to catch up.

As I said my DH & I live about 3 hours away from the rest of our family. (Both Sides)

Mom - Great Relationship. She can drive me nuts but what parent doesn't. We talk multiple times a week. We can talk for hours and still not have a clue what we really talked about afterwards if asked.

Dad - Not very good. We are practically strangers. Ever since I was in grade school I use to beg my parents to divorce. I hated that they always said they were staying together for the sake of us kids. Made if feel like it was my fault they were miserable together. After I moved out of state Dad use to get upset at mom & I's long phone calls and it was like pulling teeth to get him to come visit or to "allow" mom to come down. Now that they are divorced I'd love to just leave the relationship in his hands. I love him but if he wants a relationship I wish he would work for it. Unfortunately my DH makes me maintain at least some contact with my father even if he doesn't call first. I think I have seen him maybe 3 times this year and spoke on the phone less than once every 3 months. Usually only when a holiday or birthday is emminant and we can no longer put off the call.

Sis - (only sibling) in School we HATED each other fought like cats and dogs. We are complete opposites. She is skinny fit and very vane. She has the attitude that she doesn't want anyone around unless everything is perfect. I would rather have fun with people I enjoy rather than worry about getting everything perfect for them. In recent years we had been getting along rather well surprisingly. Though we only see each other 3-4 times a year and don't get to talk too often as our schedules conflict. But ever since she reconciled with Dad she seems uncomfortable with the idea that I haven't. I know it would make more sense that I'd be jealous of her relationship with him but for some reason I'm not. I've never had one with him and at nearly 40 I don't really care if I ever do. I just don't see the need.

Ghost, This really does seem like one of those situations that more effort either needs to be made during the yr for more interaction or less effort during the holidays. I personally do not see the point in having your holidays so stressful for someone ( although your dad) who a relationship has to be so forced. Also for your husband , I use to try to force a relationship on my husband with his father. I "thought" they needed to be closer. I would call his dad and put him on the phone . Finally i told hubby you need to be closer to your dad , he told me " NO I dont YOU do NOT know what he put us through as kids, ( it was a VERY bad child hood, his father was an alcoholic and drug addict , my husband ended up living on his own at 14) I have no desire to be around him unless ihave to "

And when I stopped calling , the calls stopped. He doesn't call now . He doesnt send pics, he has no desire to even be in contact. Sometimes just because we are family does not mean we get along and can be around each other. GOod luck i hope ya'll have a good holiday . Try not to stress so much.

Love

Mindy

[Audie 0]

Hi,

I'm fairly new to this whole forum, but your rant caught my eye. The situation sounds fairly similar to my own. I hope you don't take offense, but your sister does not sound like a nice person. I would boycott the situation at your sister's house. She's inevitably going to ruin your holiday and why put yourself in that position? You deserve to have just as Merry of a Christmas as her! I'd call Mom and Dad and explain why you won't be there and arrange another time to exchange gifts and just spend the holiday with your husband's family. You might be less stressed and a little more relaxed.

My parents were also married for 35 years -- the only difference, my mom actually thought things were getting better before he left. She ended up taking her life and my dad has since remarried. But my mom's side of the family now hates my dad and we do separate holidays. I used to walk on egg shells trying to please everyone, but after a while I said, fuck it, this is my life and these are the people in my life and if you can't deal with it, that's not my problem. So my dad and I have a good relationship again and he visits my daughter regularly. My mom's family, who lives very close by, choose to avoid my house when my dad is around. That's fine, that's their choice. But everyone and everything is fine because I have made my position very clear.

I think you need to have a long talk with your sister and let her know you do not appreciate her behavior and attitude toward you. Draw some boundaries. Is your sister's house the only place everyone can get together for holidays? If not, arrange elsewhere. =) I hope you're able to have a Merry Christmas without so much turmoil. It sounds like your sister enjoys cutting you and other people down to make herself feel better ... and that's not healthy for anyone around her. Family really sucks sometimes, huh?

Merry Christmas!

Audie

[green 6]

I dunno.... I would be inclined to look at this problem from another angle. Your sister's reaction is so extreme that it may indicate that she is suffering from a whole separate set of emotional issues but is choosing - on an entirely subconscious level - to deal with these by tossing them into the divorced parent bin.

Why don't you try talking to your sister in a warm and loving way about her feelings about all of this biz. It may well be that the woman is feeling threatened by all the family changes. Her mum and her dad have moved on with their lives and her sister has now lost a big chunk of weight and is no longer the official fatty grrl in the family. Could it be that this sister is now feeling very insecure and is lashing out?