My parents are getting banded

[Wheetsin 714]

I have such mixed emotion over this, and I feel bad for that. Need to get this off my chest in a big way, and it's much more rant than logic.

On one side, my parents have completely given up with their weight. They were always hefty, but not always obese. Now - especially in the last year or two - they're out of control obese. My mother is pretty much out of all store-bought clothes. We tried to find her something to wear to a wedding in the spring and at Catherine's (sells the largest sizes around here) she was in their largest, 6x, tight. My dad is about 5'10 and in a 52 pant. Neither of them can walk from their car to their house without being completely out of breath. Hell, neither of them can get off the couch without being out of breath, and I don't feel sorry for them, I feel sickened. All they do is sit in reclining furniture and watch TV, eat 5 or 6 plates and 3 or 4 deserts at buffets, and wonder why they're gaining weight because "I don't eat that bad." (as my mother says, while she claims to be eating healthy grilled chicken, which is actually a grilled chicken breast smothered with cheese sauce and sour cream). My mother is the type who doesn't like to own her actions, and is constantly seeking out a medical reason for her obesity (her latest is that she thinks she must have Cushing's, because she has a large pannus) and the next big cure, book, herbal remedy, whatever it may be. *sigh*

They don't admit to giving up, but they have, and this is going to be one of the only things that will help them. I KNOW THAT WITH NO DOUBT. I want them to be healthier and live longer, so I am in support of them getting the band. I even made their info night seminar appt, went with them, answered their questions, did their insurance battle for them... just about did everything for them (once they started expressing interest). I want healthy parents. We're going on vacation in Spring and my concerns are 1) they will not fit on the plane and will be humiliated, 2) they will not be able to walk with us and will opt out of some activities rather than face am embarassing compromise like a wheelchair or scooter, 3) they will be disappointed that the trip is not planned around food. When I go on vacation with my parents, those SHOULD NOT be my top worries. I want them to move beyond their weight, and I KNOW that some type of surgical/behavioral/manual intervention is the ONLY way it's going to happen. I want my parents around for a long time. I want them healthy, and able to breathe and fool good about themselves. So in that sense, I WANT them to get banded. Very badly.

Their insurance JUST started approving the lap-band. My mother called me today to ask for more help in getting this done. I asked her if she had made up her mind to do it and she said "Yep!" And I was just like... oh. Good for you. I couldn't even pretend happiness. Which is where the flip side comes in.

To be completely honest, I love my parents, but they disgust me. Now that I can see their behaviors for what they are, without being immune to them because I'm doing the exact same thing. I hate eating out with them because I can't stand to watch them eat, it repulses me. I can't stand to listen to their excuses for being overweight. I can't stand to hear their pathetic distortions around diet. Huh mom, have you ever tried just cutting back your calories if you REALLY want to diet? No! That's because you aren't looking for a diet, you're looking for a quick fix that requires no committment or determination on your behalf. Surprise, you're not gonna find it.

I feel resentful and spiteful. My mother, although she did not vocalize it and did support me in her own way, was very much against me getting banded. It didn't matter, I was doing it anyway, but I did want to have talks with them about how they felt about it. When I first told her I was really thinking about it, her response was, "Oh, so you're giving up? You're not going to even try another diet?" Man, those words stung, because I didn't see it as giving up, I saw it as the most logical solution to my growing problem. Her second remark was, "You know I'm going to be jealous if you go and lose a lot of weight." She was one of those people who would always have some kind of comment about the easy way out, about how it just doesn't seem normal, she just couldn't understand, etc. I lived with that for about a year, until she started seeing the results AND seeing that I was still healthy AND seeing the ways my life was changing. Then things changed with her. She suddenly started talking about "maybe" wanting the band, and "maybe" wanting my dad to have it. Even when I started losing the weight and was offering to hand over TONS of clothes to her, she took them, but had her own sort of anger about it. Like after giving her 12 bags of clothes, I asked if she knew anyone else who could use them and she was like "Uh what about me?" I know she was jealous, but she was sooo judgemental.

I'm very much in a situation where I took the full 100% brunt of her jealousy, disgust, resentment, her own hate for herself and her situation, etc... I took it all, head on, in the form of judging me for what I did, and aggressive/passive aggressive reactions to my situation, and I swallowed it like a ball of throns for over a year. And now that she's seen me lose the majority of my weight, and be successful, now all of a sudden she wants to do it too. I fell like - yeah, give me shit about it, and now that I've proven it can work, you want to hop on the bandwagon too.

I should see her actions for what they are, and be able to hold my head higher, and I do to some degree. I know/understand what's going on. But I still can't help but feel really freaking ticked off about it. And happy.

I'm a bad daughter.

[travelgirl 3]

You're not a bad daughter. I can understand your feelings, because I'm sure that you are convinced that they will both find ways to eat around the band, and it won't work for them, and then it will be your fault. YOU convinced them this was a good idea FOR THEM (which you clearly didn't, you convinced them that it's a good idea for YOU), and now that it's not working, it's all your fault, and why didn't you explain it to them better?

Is that about right?

[Ang1982 4]

*BIG HUG* you are most definitely not a bad daughter. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself.

You yourself did say that you want them to be healthier. Sounds like they are pretty big people - would Lapband be the best option for them as opposed to something like Gastric Bypass? Do you think they are ready for the change that it takes to be sucessful with the band? Besides having seen you be awesomely successful with it - do they know the ins and outs?

Be proud of what you have accomplished, give yourself a pat on the back. Try not to focus on all the crap they have handed you over the years but to focus on where you said "I want them to be healthier and live longer" and try to be there as much as you can for them even though they may not have been for you. Everyone has to start somewhere And even though they may not say it - they are obviously proud of you.

*HUG*

[Mariposa Bella 3]

*BIG HUG* you are most definitely not a bad daughter. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself.

You yourself did say that you want them to be healthier. Sounds like they are pretty big people - would Lapband be the best option for them as opposed to something like Gastric Bypass? Do you think they are ready for the change that it takes to be sucessful with the band? Besides having seen you be awesomely successful with it - do they know the ins and outs?

Be proud of what you have accomplished, give yourself a pat on the back. Try not to focus on all the crap they have handed you over the years but to focus on where you said "I want them to be healthier and live longer" and try to be there as much as you can for them even though they may not have been for you. Everyone has to start somewhere And even though they may not say it - they are obviously proud of you.

*HUG*

Everything she said, including the hug.

[Marimaru 7]

You are not a bad daughter. Mom's get plenty of "bad feelings" about their kids doing things, and as we get older, I think the whole thing turns around, and we get "bad feelings" about what our parents are going to do.

And I totally understand all of your mixed emotions as well. Like travelgirl said, it seems as though your mom is using your success as her way to be convinced that she should do this, and when she eats ice cream and 'grilled chicken' (with all the toppings) and isn't losing as fast as she wants to be, she's somehow going to construe that you didn't tell her the secret behind it or something, or you didn't tell her there was real work involved, etc. Are they going to your doctor? If so, any chance you could get in with him and discuss your concerns? Not that you want to tell the doctor they shouldn't have it, but give him specific points that you think he needs to POUND into your parents heads as he does preop appointments.

What has your mother said about the preop diet?

[Wheetsin 714]

I just found out about their decision to do it this morning, so I hadn't really thought much about their success, ability to change, etc. Do I think they could... I know they both could at first. I think my mother would have the hardest time staying with the program. But maybe once she lost the weight (she's only been short term successful with weightloss one time), that would be enough to motivate her.

My feelings aren't (yet) stemming from concern about their success. I'm being much more shallow than that. And I don't as of yet feel any responsibility for their success/failure. I've already told them it's up to each person to make this work. Right know the rift it's purely - I want you to be healthy, but son of a bitch, you gave me so much shit about doing this, and now that I've been successful, you're going to turn around and do it too.

The bypass probably would be a better option for my mother, but she won't do it. I've talked to her about it. My father - probably the better band candidate.

[TommyO 5]

Wheetsin, we spend our entire lives looking for our parents approval and when we don't get what we want it stings. The only way to get through this is for you to forgive your parents, especially your Mother. I think that sometime we hate most those traits in our parents that may be the things that remind us of ourselves. You parents eating habits remind you of who you think you are still deep down inside.

I feel strongly that if I were to have my band removed that I would gain my weight back. So deep down inside I still carry self resentment towards myself.

I continually need to forgive myself for still being that fat guy who was/is able to weigh 420 pounds. As long as I believed that the band was the easy way out I had a hard time granting myself forgiveness. I now know that the band is not the easy way, it is a tool that gives me a chance to get healthy. Had I not been banded I would likely be dead by now so I have realized that what I have done is the right thing to do. Not only for me but also for my wife and kids, they need me to be here. When I realize this I am able to forgive myself and actually pat myself on the back.

I no longer care about how people judge my decision to get banded because I am comfortable with my decision to get banded. I think you need to forgive your Mother and your Father but first you must forgive yourself. I also no longer judge people based on how they eat because I have forgiven myself.

I have great parents whom I love very much but every child has some issue with their parents no matter how small. My Dad has many faults but he never waivered in his support of me throughout my life. There were things he did as a parent that I thought were wrong and I resented him for it. One day when I was considering how he was not always a perfect Dad it dawned on me that I was not always a perfect son and bang the light went on. No matter what I did as a son he always loved me and supported me unconditionaly. The least I could do for him was to do the same for him.

Good luck on this next leg of the band journey.

[Marimaru 7]

Ah, I totally get where you are coming from. It reminds me of this habit my mom has. If you call her on bad behavior, she'll deny it, and argue with you. But then she goes home and thinks about it. If she discovers you are right, she will change the behavior, but it is never brought up again. If you do bring something like this up, you have somehow remembered it wrong and it was never like that.

My mom was always supportive of me being banded, but as an example, if she hadn't been, but then became supportive, she would deny ever having been unsupportive, you know? It sounds kind of like the same thing. If I was in your situation, and called my mom on your mom's behavior, she'd say things like "I just didn't know how it worked" or "I thought it was like the bypass" or even "I didn't say that".

I wonder if anyone every truly understand their parents, lol

[juliegeraci 7]

Wheetsin, what you are experiencing is very normal. My heart goes out to you. While my mom was pretty supportive, she mentions now that she always sees me barfing. That is not true. She also mentioned that when I drink alcohol it reacts differently now that I don't eat as much. My mom is obese too. Funny how she has been on Weight Watchers for like 3 years and is still down only 20 lbs or so. Hopefully you and your mom can have a sit down and talk all about how you feel. Good luck.

[WASaBubbleButt 41]

So you resent being treated like a bag of crap. And now that you are successful and you actually did know what you were talking about, the ones handing out the bad treatment want success too.

And you don't know why you feel as you do?

In another thread I wrote of my sister. When she discovered I had lost 100 pounds she realized she was the fat sister now. She went around telling all the people in my tiny hometown that I went to a filthy hospital in Mexico and now I'm dying of complications. Yes, DYING.

Now she is asking me for the name of that filthy hospital in Mexico because she wants a band too.

Yeah, I deleted that email unanswered. A bigger and better person would give her the info she is looking for. I'm obviously not the better person. I can live with that.

[green 6]

Wheetsin, I must tell you that I read your initial post with great interest. My own relationship with my parents was very untidy. There was a great deal of anger there which expressed itself in destructive behaviour. Both of my parents were, in their separate ways, skilled at undercutting my sense of pride in my achievements. It sounds like your mother is quite a master of this and you consequently have a lot of rage towards her. Of course you already know this; of course you already know that the parent-child relationship can be, when it is not a good one, the most fraught relationship that anyone will ever experience. You have all my sympathy.

[Chelle B 0]

You aren't a bad daughter! It's times like this when we become adults on our own right. Sad to me, as it is easier to be the child sometimes. But adulthood opens our eyes, and I've found it continues to happen throughout our lives. Just accept that you have matured beyond your mom - that is what I have done. Sad but true.

[losingjusme 12]

cleaning out my subscription folder and found this.

are they still getting banded?

[green 6]

Yah, update please.

[crazycat 2]

Wheetsin,

That's quite a story...

I want an upday too please.