Loss of weight has not helped me feel more confident

[Khappy77 7]

Hello,

My starting weight was 250 and current weight is 124.

I'm new to the forum. I want to remain anonymous at this point and I didn't want to post in Facebook. I had my gastric sleeve done in May of 2022, I've lost a total of 125 pounds. The thing I didn't think about was how my self esteem has not changed. I was thinner in my late teens and 20's, but gained weight after having 5 children. I am now in my late 40's, I don't really regret the choice I made about the surgery. The thing I didn't prepare myself for mentally is the depression factor, I had depression prior to surgery and had been on med's. After my surgery I am still on meds, but I feel like things have started to get worse over the last 4-5 months with more weight loss.

I find it very uncomfortable to get attention that I didn't before from males. It get's very uncomfortable to the point where I try to avoid places that have large groups of people. I'm married to a wonderful man for over 20 years, he is so supportive and loving. Once I lost the weight it has turned into more of a focus on my body and how great he tells me I look. Strangers like males coming up to me and asking me for my number, or flirting with me to excess. I don't like it, it makes me beyond anxious and has lead I think to me becoming more depressed. I just want to blend in and not be noticed like I used to be. I know how crazy this sounds but it's difficult for me because I'm very shy especially and I've never liked attention. Sorry this post may sound stupid or pointless but to me I didn't realize I would become more depressed and anxious after I lost weight.

I thought weight loss was going to be an amazing thing, I paid out of pocket for the surgery myself. There is a downside to the weight loss that also no one talks about and it's the Hair loss. Your hair get's very thin if you are not maintaining your Vitamins. It still becomes thin and falls out due to the stress of the surgery. I'm okay with my hair but the hair loss was unexpected as well. I wanted somewhere I could vent about all this. I feel like the focus is more now on my body and how it looks, especially with my husband. Sometimes it's great but at other times it becomes overwhelming.

I feel like something is wrong with me, I should be happy? I don't crave attention and wanted the surgery to feel healthy and for me. I fear the warm months coming, the summer I hated the most when I was overweight. Now that I've lost the weight I'm also just wanting to go back into that shell and become invisible again, especially around the opposite sex. This is not the part I expected to have to deal with, I forgot how to deal with this type of attention. Maybe this is something that others would love to have, but it can also become overwhelming, very overwhelming. Sorry I'm rambling, just didn't know where else to post this in case my complaining is unjustified and stupid?

Edited April 21, 2023 by Khappy77

[Sigh 196]

I would say that these are very valid concerns, and one of the things that i struggled with in the past with weight loss, and it caused a lot of self sabotage— im working on it now with my therapist, and its a struggle. I don’t want to be noticed- and im my case, noticed for my body- and there are underlying factors that im working to uncover. My body is not something anyone should be commenting on- good or bad, imo. I would rather be noticed for something that is not fading, like a nice personality or a kind heart. Perhaps finding a counselor that has experience in body/weight loss issues would be beneficial. And you are safe here too- Im like you- I was self pay and having to come home to find resources like a counselor, dietician etc on my own. Build your team to support you, you deserve it.

The Hair loss was expected, as I had that when doing keto— it does turn around though, so keep up the faith there.

[catwoman7 11,211]

re: the Hair loss - that's a very well-known "feature" - I'm surprised no one ever said anything to you about it beforehand. It does stop, though -and the hair grows back. Just keep on top of your Protein and Vitamins.

you might want to work with a therapist/counselor about the self-esteem issue. Lots of us have seen therapists for various reasons and found it very helpful.

[lauvhan 5]

I had my surgery may of 2022 also! I have lost 80 pounds and I also do not like the attention. Maybe if I wasn't married I wouldnt mind it so much idk. I especially don't like the attention from men I already knew prior to my surgery. Its annoying. My husband treats me the same. He's not any more or less impressed lol

Sent from my T601DL using BariatricPal mobile app

[summerset 5,265]

11 hours ago, Khappy77 said:

Maybe this is something that others would love to have

It's simply something I don't have.

Men didn't give me attention when I was fat and they usually don't do now, especially not some random stranger-man. I was never asked for my number by a total stranger and can't imagine that someone ever would. May I ask in what kind of place this happens? A club for example or a bar?

Quote

Now that I've lost the weight I'm also just wanting to go back into that shell and become invisible again,

I feel more or less invisible now and not like I have some kind of target on my back. If I want to blend into a crowd, I simply can blend in.

[catwoman7 11,211]

3 hours ago, summerset said:

It's simply something I don't have.

Men didn't give me attention when I was fat and they usually don't do now, especially not some random stranger-man. I was never asked for my number by a total stranger and can't imagine that someone ever would. May I ask in what kind of place this happens? A club for example or a bar?

I feel more or less invisible now and not like I have some kind of target on my back. If I want to blend into a crowd, I simply can blend in.

same here - although maybe my age is a part of that? (I'm in my 60s). I love not sticking out in a crowd any more - or having people stare at me or make comments (mostly kids and teenage boys - didn't happen a lot, but it did happen...)

[summerseeker 2,124]

I am maybe a little more confident than you. I have learned over the years to act confident. My jobs needed a confident person, so like an actress I took over that role.

The attention I get now amuses me as I am soon to be 64 and married 47 years. Only this week, I was stood waiting for a bus, totally wrapped up in my winter coat, leggings and boots. A 30ish cyclist went passed me and he almost fell off , craning his neck to look me up and down. He needed to put glasses on. I am way passed my sell by date

[catwoman7 11,211]

19 minutes ago, summerseeker said:

. I am way passed my sell by date

LOL - me too!

[The Greater Fool 2,022]

I've been trying to write a response since you posted (last night for me). I suspect you've hit a nerve for a lot of us. You should see all the rejected drafts.

I'm a guy but much of what you posted hits home for me. I've never been a social person. Invisible was my default condition and I'm generally good with that. My brother is the opposite, very outgoing, social, can act like he's known a person for years on their first meeting. Gawd I admired his ability and often was jealous of it. My son is very much the same as my brother. There were times and situations when I completely wished I could just do what they do.

Over the years though I've become more accustomed to and comfortable with my invisibility. I don't do pictures, most of my outreach is in writing. I believe it's our character not our appearances that are important. As an introvert and perhaps a curmudgeon I don't 'waste' time trying to be social. Being social is work and draining for me. I don't like it, so I avoid it. I get to focus on the stuff that interests me or my spouse who likes me the way I am. I am lucky.

I'm generally happy where I am. If you're not then please talk to someone you trust like your spouse, or a therapist, or if you think it's what you want, someone who can help you change.

For the record, many of us are anonymous here. It's how we can be honest, vulnerable, and ask for help. Thanks for trusting us.

Good luck,

Tek

[Jeanniebug 473]

I go out of my way to dress in such a way that a man's gaze will usually just bounce right off me. However, once in a while I will unintentionally make eye contact with someone. That's when I get their attention. I just say "hi" and walk away. I'm married and not trying to flirt with anyone. It's uncomfortable, for sure. Thankfully, I haven't had anyone hit on me - but I'm also older and dress very, very modestly when I leave the house.

Confidence - or the lack thereof - is an inside job. I would suggest counseling to get help with this.

[Yahoo 53]

This post really resonated with me (my surgery was relatively recent and I am just tipping over from obese to overweight - so not talking about men but just people in general).

I never thought of myself as fat (until I looked in the mirror or saw a photograph) so it was not an ingrained part of my identity. I did however feel like always being the heaviest person in the room made me stand out and be more noticeable - and that made me uncomfortable.

Now I really don’t like it when people compliment me on how I look - or treat me nicer - it’s like I wasn’t a human being before but now I am. They noticed me before but didn’t see me or want to know me - and that makes me sad for the person who I was and still am - and a little resentful (like if I wasn’t good enough for you before please don’t bother).

I use to dread headshots - and now how we look is part of our profiles everywhere. We all make such quick judgements about each other based on looks. There are so many people struggling with their weight who will never have access to this surgery and will live their personal and professional lives being looked down on by others.

[mcipanda 121]

I had a similar experience in my mid-20’s and now, six weeks post op, I worry it might happen again. After my first baby, I lost 40lbs and started getting more of the attention you’re talking about. I didn’t realize how worthless people thought I was until the weight came off. It made me angry. I was angry at men for their stupid comments, unwanted stares and for thinking I would be even remotely interested in them. But it wasn’t just the men. It was cashiers, bank tellers, services I wanted to hire, flight attendants, etc. They looked me in the eyes when speaking to me. They stopped at my seat faster on the plane. I negotiated a better rate for a car repair when previously, they would tell me they don’t “offer discounts.” Oh, I see now… you DO offer discounts; just not to overweight people.

I let the insecurity get to me and started to sabotage my own progress. I felt like I couldn’t trust anyone. At least when I am heavy, I can see who you truly are because you don’t see me. Being heavy suddenly felt safe, and it wasn’t long before I was back over 200 again.

15 years later and I’m still worried about what will happen when the weight comes off, but I realize that my worth is not defined by other people. It can only be defined by me. We can be angry at these people, or we can pity them. I can feel scared to be seen or I can take control of my presence, own the space I occupy and refuse to let other people make me feel uncomfortable. Yes, easier said than done but I’m getting better at it.

I hope you’re able to come through this and own your own space, too. The insecurity stems from a deep rooted sense of low self worth (in my case), so I’m working to believe that I deserve to be here. Sending you the best of wishes. We are all here for you.

[Arabesque 7,219]

There’s never a stupid post here. We have different experiences & no one’s experience is more right or more wrong than another’s.

Yes, we tend to receive more attention when we initially lose weight from family, friends, work colleagues, etc. It’s because they are happy for us. Some seemingly negative comments (those you’ve lost too much weight ones) come from their vision of us catching up to the reality of what we’re like now. (Just like it takes us time to truely see what we look like physically with the weight loss.) Once they accept the changes those comments don’t continue. Actually most/all of the comments about our weight loss eventually go. The comments that are left are mostly genuine compliments: great dress, you’re looking lovely today, love your hair cut, etc. (The unwanted flirting & requests for your phone number aside of course.)

Personally I enjoy giving people compliments. (I like receiving them too.) Be it about how they do their job, how they interact with others, how they look, etc. I do it because on your lowest day someone telling you you look nice or you appreciated their help or whatever does make you feel a little brighter.

Maybe a therapist would be of benefit especially if how you are feelings is affecting how you view others & their comments, your day to day interactions with people, & how you live your life. At least they may help you develop strategies to cope with those situations that make you uncomfortable.

All the best.

[Smanky 747]

15 hours ago, summerseeker said:

I am maybe a little more confident than you. I have learned over the years to act confident. My jobs needed a confident person, so like an actress I took over that role.

The attention I get now amuses me as I am soon to be 64 and married 47 years. Only this week, I was stood waiting for a bus, totally wrapped up in my winter coat, leggings and boots. A 30ish cyclist went passed me and he almost fell off , craning his neck to look me up and down. He needed to put glasses on. I am way passed my sell by date

My theatre youth definitely has helped me in life to mask my introverted social anxiety - not always successfully, but I've muddled by!

I've never been good at the whole flirting thing, and am that person who has no idea someone IS flirting 99% of the time. So if anyone has flirted with me now that I'm skinny, I haven't twigged. Mind you, the thin-aesthetic I've soundly embraced can best be described as "androgynous lesbian android", so I think that's successfully staying the hands and minds of straight men. Which I'm definitely more than ok with! (And also likely passed my sell by date. At the very least I need a good sniff first.)

To the OP: I definitely think you need to unpack this with a good therapist who can help get to the root of what's going on.

[summerset 5,265]

After having read through that thread I'm wondering if people have different understandings of what is "attention" or "male attention", e. g. for me male attention would be referring to something sexual. An innocent flirtatious conversation with the guy two floors up the office building doesn't really count as "male attention" for me.

That being said I wonder if I myself might have been the woman one or the other time some men who've lost a lot of weight are complaining about ("all of a sudden I'm getting female attention"). Err. 🤔