Significant Other & Comments

[RobertM2022 23]

I'm 3 1/2 weeks post op from gastric sleeve surgery and everything is going great. I'm following the protocol to the letter and gradually losing weight. Saturday night my significant other and myself took my two nephews to dinner. I was able to order a bowl of soup/broth with no issues. During the course of dinner I used a spoon and took a taste of the queso that my nephews had ordered. My significant other then proceeded to lecture me about food choices. I told her that soft cheese was ok on my current protocol. This didn't seem to make much difference to her. It sort of hurt my feelings but I didn't say anything. Am I overreacting or should I be thankful that I have someone watching over me so carefully. She has been 100% supportive of me in all ways. I just guess I felt like it was unnecessary for anything to be said at all. It's not like I wolfed down a basket of chips and ate the whole bowl of queso. I was kind of proud of myself as I thought "wow...that's the least amount of queso I've ever eaten in my life!

[ms.sss 15,714]

if you are feeling some sort of way about being "food policed" now, it *may* get worse later (...or better, who knows?) either way, it doesn't hurt to have a conversation with her about how being called out made you feel. preferably not in front of nephews at meal times.

Good Luck! ❤️

[GreenTealael 25,430]

Early post op I was “food policed” by one of the few people I disclosed surgery to even though I never ate off plan. It’s annoying but maybe family and friends just think it becomes their new role during this time.

However, the additional scrutiny never felt hurtful because of the way things were said. Everything was phrased as a question and never done in a tone that was hurtful (I don’t thank him enough for this to be honest).

If your feelings were hurt, you may be picking up on (what feels like) judgement or condescension. I second having a conversation about this early on before it gets worse and there is resentment.

And congratulations on a safe and successful surgery ❤️

[RobertM2022 23]

I'm probably a bit overly-sensitive since the surgery....my head is still trying to get used to my body.:) I didn't say anything at the restaurant and would not do that. It did seem a bit condescending in the moment but now that I've had a few days to think about it and read y'alls replies, I can take a step back and realize it was coming from a place of care and concern. Thanks for the responses and the well wishes!

[The Greater Fool 2,054]

There are a few possible angles to this.

• It's very possible you ARE being overly sensitive, as you're in a big state of flux emotionally and physically. You may have lost one of your coping mechanisms with food no longer being as available;
• Your SO has probably seen you fail time and again on diets and they may be afraid you are going down that path again. We didn't generally start eating off plan on previous diets all at once, it usually starts with a bite here or there first, then get's out of control;
• Doing this in front of your nephews probably added a level of embarrassment that wasn't necessary, making you both a bit more prickly for each being corrected in such a public way.
• Your SO and/or you may also have some fears about how you losing weight may change your relationship.
• WLS tends to highlight both the strengths and weaknesses in relationships. You are changing the status quo.

In the comfort and privacy of your home have a calm discussion about everything. About how your SO has been supportive and how you appreciate the support. About your plan and what the details, depending on how involved you want your SO to be. About the level of policing you would like or not like, even how policing (if appropriate) should be done, specifically privately and any other features. Talk about fears and make reassurances as you are both on the same team. Reinforce your positive feelings about each other.

This discussion may happen more than once, or in different ways. It's OK.

Good luck,

Tek

[RobertM2022 23]

Tek,

Thanks for the excellent response! I'm driving home now to give her a piece of my mind!

Robert

[The Greater Fool 2,054]

3 hours ago, RobertM2022 said:

Tek,

Thanks for the excellent response! I'm driving home now to give her a piece of my mind!

Robert

Can you spare it?

Good luck,

Tek

[qtdoll 535]

Someone who watched me be obese for most of my life is currently doing this. Even pre-op he'd make small comments whenever I ate one of my dad's Sunday dinners instead of my own. & he'll sometimes remembers things I ate a month ago

& a few days ago I posted a photo of a frozen pizza box at the store with a TV character I like on it (didn't buy it, just took a pic of the character) & he said 'take it easy!' as if I was about to wolf it down.

Its frustrating bc I KNOW I've put in so much effort in my weight loss & don't need the policing but I also know it's bc he's seen me at my worse. He wants me to be better, but I also feel there needs to be a discussion on how to do it. It CAN be hurtful & they need to know that

[RobertM2022 23]

5 hours ago, bbykitty said:

Someone who watched me be obese for most of my life is currently doing this. Even pre-op he'd make small comments whenever I ate one of my dad's Sunday dinners instead of my own. & he'll sometimes remembers things I ate a month ago

& a few days ago I posted a photo of a frozen pizza box at the store with a TV character I like on it (didn't buy it, just took a pic of the character) & he said 'take it easy!' as if I was about to wolf it down.

Its frustrating bc I KNOW I've put in so much effort in my weight loss & don't need the policing but I also know it's bc he's seen me at my worse. He wants me to be better, but I also feel there needs to be a discussion on how to do it. It CAN be hurtful & they need to know that

I feel your pain! I was so proud of myself because honestly, this was the least amount of queso I've ever eaten in my life!!!!

[Bettyboop56 33]

I think we are super sensitive. Most are trying to be supportive. I was firm with a friend, one on one, and things are better. Communication is important and if you are uncomfortable it needs to be addressed, in a respectful manner, educating not scolding.

[STLoser 1,099]

I can give you my perspective as someone who went through wls two years before my husband. I try HARD not to food police him but I have at times because I have been through it and I just want him to have the easiest time and be successful. He HAS been successful. I lost 205 pounds in 2 years and he has lost that much since MAY. [emoji15]But I just want him to be healthy and I know he's in the honeymoon period still and I want him to understand that it gets much harder the farther you get, and he doesn't follow his plan by the book like I did, so I just try to prepare him for later when it gets harder.
I do tend to be pretty bossy so I try my best to never say anything to him, but when I do, it's absolutely out of love for him. I want us BOTH to never be more than 200 pounds overweight again.

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[RobertM2022 23]

Thanks for the reply STL. When I posted, I was 3 1/2 weeks out, now I'm 6 weeks out and I can definitely see things from your perspective. I was definitely overly sensitive on the night it happened, but after reading more and more about the future after surgery, I realize that myself and those around me are coming from a position of love and caring. The more I read, the more I'm starting to actually fear what happens after the "honeymoon" phase is over. When you've spent your entire life craving food all the time and you no longer do, it's amazing to not be constantly hungry...and it's hard to imagine that this feeling won't last. But then when you start reading and understanding things more clearly about the post-op journey, you realize that it's all about learning to control what and how much you eat from here on out....or things will spiral out of control. Thanks for responding.

[STLoser 1,099]

Thanks for the reply STL. When I posted, I was 3 1/2 weeks out, now I'm 6 weeks out and I can definitely see things from your perspective. I was definitely overly sensitive on the night it happened, but after reading more and more about the future after surgery, I realize that myself and those around me are coming from a position of love and caring. The more I read, the more I'm starting to actually fear what happens after the "honeymoon" phase is over. When you've spent your entire life craving food all the time and you no longer do, it's amazing to not be constantly hungry...and it's hard to imagine that this feeling won't last. But then when you start reading and understanding things more clearly about the post-op journey, you realize that it's all about learning to control what and how much you eat from here on out....or things will spiral out of control. Thanks for responding.

I completely understand. I'm a very sensitive person, so anything my husband said before he had surgery I would take to heart, but the key for me is knowing he is 100% supportive of me and loves me. And he knows I am supportive of him, so he understands that if I do say something I'm trying to help, but I really do try to let him do things his way, because it's his journey. When you love someone you just want the best for them. And it sounds like your significant other is exactly the same. Now, if it was something they were constantly doing, or watching you like a hawk and picking at you, I'd have a different opinion, but I think we do tend to be sensitive. Most of us have had a lifetime of being policed by people because we were overweight it makes us sensitive to it.
It does get harder when the honeymoon period is over, but for me it's not nearly as hard as being almost 400 pounds was. I do have my cravings and appetite now, but it's easier to control as long as I follow my plan, and I do allow myself a portion controlled treat now and then. It sounds like you are doing amazing!


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