When to tell your new partner you had surgery and imposter syndrome?

[fourmonthspreop 508]

I haven't posted in a minute - life is feeling very normal now that I'm almost a full year post op so I haven't been perusing the forums too much. I've finally reached my first goal weight which is great. I've lost 120 lbs. I still have restrictions on my eating. I don't get food stuck as much but if I take that "one bite too many" I can get nauseous for solid 1 to 2 hours but dating is feeling pretty easy in terms of eating. I know what works and what doesn't when planning meals with my partner.

I have recently started seeing this guy and it's getting pretty serious with that. He's super into fitness and is a martial arts athlete. I am recently starting to train for a marathon so we've been able to bond a bit over training and stretching properly but as someone who was recently super morbidly obese, I feel super awkward still talking about exercise and nutrition with him which is a big part of his life. I told him I recently dropped a lot of weight and he's super encouraging and is always telling me I should be proud of myself because I can be quiet about it around him and others. I am terrified to tell him that I got weight loss surgery because I don't know what he thinks about it and I feel like some fitness people stigmatize it a lot.

It's even as crazy as me keeping my shirt on during seggsy time or turning the lights off completely because of my incision scars and I'm also super self conscious about my loose skin which I've already told him about and he says he loves my soft tummy which is nice but it makes me kind of want to die (metaphorically lol) because I hate my body so much. But he's super kind and just wants me to be comfortable really but I am so scared to tell him about surgery and I get so awkward talking about fitness because I still feel like I'm 340 lbs.

Anyone have to deal with a situation like this? I mean at some point or I guess at what point will it become obvious? How long can I really keep the lie up? I told him I lost the weight with calorie restriction. I told him I have an ibuprofen allergy and that I hate sweets (really though because of dumping lol). I feel like a horrible person though because I am really starting to care about him. I would appreciate any advice. My family says that I owe no one an explanation and there's no obligation or moral reason to tell people that I had the surgery. I kind of agree with that but there are moment where it's like - is she just being really shy around me? Why is she eating like half of a serving of food? Or getting nauseous or taking all my horse pill supplements and dealing with some Vitamin deficiencies every now and then? Idk. Not sure how this usually goes for people.

Thanks!

[kcuster83 1,504]

Hmmm, you are going to get a lot of opinions on this one.

Here's mine.

Don't tell him if you don't want, or do it if you feel like you are lying. It has to be what you want and feel comfortable with.

I am not sure if I would tell or not honestly, but I am married and hope to not have to ever worry about it.

But, this is how I would. First, has WLS ever came up in conversation that he said something that would make you think he would have a problem with it? Has he ever directly asked you? If not, then you are not lying you are just keeping your personal business private which you have every right to do.

As far as you feeling like you have been lying or keeping secrets from him being am "imposter". Explain it like this, I am private and don't want to put all of my private business out there but now that we are getting a little more serious and this may turn into something I wanted to tell you... and then tell him. You wouldn't just tell everyone you dated a time or 2 everything about you. You would wait until you are in a relationship or potentially moving towards a relationship. So, this is the same. I doubt on a first date you say "hi I am so-n-so and I am a insulin dependent diabetic" or " I have been married and divorced 5 times". Whatever it is. No one offers all their private information on a first or even second or third date. They ease into it, feel out the person. Decide if it is worth investing the time and then things get more personal.

Side note: He seems like he wouldn't care based on things you said. Like him not caring about your "soft" stomach and being proud of what you have accomplished.. etc. He seems supportive, plus not all "fitness" people are into fitness people either. So he might like fluffier or thicker girls rather than super tight fit toned girls.

I hope that makes sense, and helps!

Good luck, and do you girl...do you!

[catwoman7 11,209]

I wonder if he'd even notice the incision scars. Mine were so tiny I really didn't notice them (I think they're gone now - since I had a lower body lift - but if they're still there, I sure haven't noticed them). You're far enough out from surgery that he probably assumes you're just a light eater. Nothing unusual about that - a lot of my women friends who've never been obese eat lightly - they'll either order an appetizer or, if they get an entree, they'll eat half of it and put the other half in a to-go box. I do that, too, now. I'm sure no one suspects I've had WLS at this point. Also, you're not the only person who doesn't care for sweets or doesn't tolerate ibuprofen.

I'd say whether or not you tell him is up to you. You already told him you'd lost a lot of weight, hence, the skin issue - as far as the rest, I'd be a little surprised if he put two and two together.

I wasn't in the same situation since I was married when I had surgery (still am), but if not, I personally probably wouldn't have mentioned it unless the other person brought it up in conversation (and then I'm not sure how I'd respond - I guess it would depend on how serious I was about the relationship). But then, I'm me and you're you. I was always pretty private about my surgery - very few people know.

[GreenTealael 25,277]

First congratulations on life settling back to normal, getting to goal and meeting someone.

I (personally) think it’s a little tricky to tell people about WLS but I don’t think you should feel like a liar or imposter. Your family maybe right about there being no moral or ethical obligation to tell (and only a slight medical obligation when the situation calls for it) but it still feels awkward because you’re hiding something that’s important to you.

I personally think that you should tell him when you are truly comfortable or when it’s really relevant (whichever happens first). The perfect segue is if more medical conversations come up or if you need him to be your emergency contact/medical proxy.

When I started dating after WLS I only mentioned it to potential partners that I believed were worth telling. I’ve been in a relationship with someone for 3+ years now and I believe I told him pretty early on because we spoke about a lot of different topics for extended periods of time and it felt “safe”.

Good luck!

[Fred in Pa 234]

As a guy, I’d like to know…especially in a growing relationship.

Look at it this way, if you tell him, and he is not receptive, do you want that in your relationship? If you tell him, and he’s receptive, it’s another step towards intimacy in your growing relationship and proof he’s a keeper. The longer you wait, the more you risk TRUST.

Lying is no way to start any relationship.

Edited December 14, 2022 by Fred in Pa

[Cliffnotes 14]

Oh my friend, I can imagine what you're going through. I recently became single again and the thought of going through that process is a little intimidating. And I'll also have a double mastectomy to throw into the oh-by-the-ways. Whenever I get particularly stressed out about these types of questions I tell myself that outing oneself may not be necessary at first, but at some point, if the dude ends up being someone worthwhile, I'll want to come clean.

I believe I have one of those bodies that hangs onto every calorie it ever consumed in case there is a sudden famine. I'm a survivor, right? Fortunately, there is no famine, and no real need to store fat the way I store fat, but my body does what it does because it has wanted to just be prepared in case. LOL.

Edited December 14, 2022 by jacquiecdv

[Cliffnotes 14]

4 hours ago, kcuster83 said:

"hi I am so-n-so and I am a insulin dependent diabetic" or

That is, trust me, NEVER a fun date starter. BUT, it's worse if you neglect to mention it and you head out with this guy and a couple of his friends to see a band in the City, and because you're nervous, you have an insulin reaction/low blood sugar crash in the Lincoln Tunnel. Because THEN it becomes a nightmare with you unconscious on the sidewalk in Times Square and some people you just met. Then your date hails a policeman, and he he's so freaked out, he doesn't remember your last name, which looks very sketchy to the policeman.
Honesty is usually better. Just sayin'.

Edited December 14, 2022 by jacquiecdv

[Old Salt 64]

19 hours ago, fourmonthspreop said:

I have recently started seeing this guy and it's getting pretty serious with that. He's super into fitness and is a martial arts athlete. I am recently starting to train for a marathon so we've been able to bond a bit over training and stretching properly but as someone who was recently super morbidly obese, I feel super awkward still talking about exercise and nutrition with him which is a big part of his life. I told him I recently dropped a lot of weight and he's super encouraging and is always telling me I should be proud of myself because I can be quiet about it around him and others. I am terrified to tell him that I got weight loss surgery because I don't know what he thinks about it and I feel like some fitness people stigmatize it a lot.

First off, Congratulations for getting back out there in your new life. And also preparing for a marathon! That is fantastic!

Now from a Man's point of view. You found a guy that is into health & fitness which is a good thing for you. He is "super encouraging" and supportative in a positive manner.

You actully DID go on a "restrictive calorie" diet to achieve your superb weight loss. You just used another tool in the box called gastirc bypass to assist you. You should be very proud of yourself for doing that.

Now to answer the question.

Yes IF reaching that point of seriousness in your relationship. The disclosure most likely won't matter to him but will give you peace of mind to continue your relationship. Don't make it a confessional type of discussion where you sound ashamed, but rather matter-of-factly in discussing your nutritional needs. Consdering his background, he probaly will be eager to assist you in your journey. If he is serious about you, your relationship willl continue to grow.

It is no big deal for a guy (even a fitness buff). Would he care if you previously had facelifts or breast implants? Would you even mention that? If he is serious, he likes you for who you are NOW.

Good luck and stay postive!

[pintsizedmallrat 472]

I don't think I would want to pursue a relationship with someone I didn't feel I could be completely honest with. There are a lot of things that can happen in your life, and it seems like if you're concerned this fellow is going to judge you for this, what else is there in your future you may feel it necessary to hide from his judgement? Be honest and if he doesn't like it, find someone who does. He is not the only man alive.

My advice? Tell him before you have to tell any more lies to cover yourself.

[fourmonthspreop 508]

Thank you all. Very wise words. We are officially together but I am still scared to tell him. I think I know he wouldn't care but I believe he might have his stigmas on WLS. He's kind of an al natural guy and that's what I fear the most. I know eventually it's going to have to come out. My scars are super faint. He's seen my lower belly and hasn't said anything about them but he could also just be polite lol. I think though if there's anything I've learned from getting a gastric bypass, it's that people do not understand how it works and won't take your word for it either when you try to educate them. I guess I'm also scared about that. I don't know. He's lived a pretty crazy life I'm sure he's seen it all. I will come around one day. Might just be too soon for me. Beyond being a private person, I am still crazy insecure talking about my body journey. That conversation would be hard for more than one reason. But I always love the words of wisdom here.

Sent from my SM-G975U using BariatricPal mobile app

[ryan_86 335]

Cliche: if you tell him and it changes his opinion of you, you’re not the ones for each other.

Actual advice: if you wait a long time or he finds out some other way, he may feel betrayed or like you don’t trust him, so tell him soon.

On the other hand, he could not be ready to deal with that baggage now, but he could be some day, so don’t tell him soon.

You have to figure out that balance yourself, I’m afraid to say.

[BAA624 24]

Absolutely agree with what others on this. If the relationship is heading towards a long term commitment, I would certainly share. I met my now husband when I was about 5 years post-op. It wasn’t until we became exclusive that I shared with him about having RNY. A quick side quip: he actually saw my Bariatric Vitamins on top of my refrigerator at the time (I was living in a small apartment then). He asked me about it so it was full disclosure. He also is very physically fit. He was an EMT in the military and was quite familiar with the surgery. He is incredibly supportive and was not judgmental at all! 🙂