Am I overreacting

[smc124 118]

So I’m sure grateful to have my mom here to help me recover from my sleeve gastrectomy I had Monday the 5th. I’ve stuck strictly to the post op diet set by my surgery team.

Today my mom comments on my consumption of sugar free popsicles to help meet my fluid goals. I had four throughout the day was going for my 5th when she commented. And she told me essentially she didn’t think I was taking the surgery seriously because of the “additional calories and carbs” in the sugar free bomb pops. I have fought to hit my Protein goals and Fluid numbs everyday other than these popsicles I’ve had Water, broth, and Protein Shakes. Rinse and repeat. I just feel both extremely judged and unseen. Her mind jumping right to calorie and carbs (she also used the word Keto earlier to describe my post op diet which is inaccurate) makes e feel like she hasn’t even tried to understand what I’m doing here beyond surface level.

I’m so frustrated. I’m 4 days out from surgery and already getting this l. I’m feeling crushed.

[Tomo 1,191]

Show her the label so she can see for herself they are sugar free and low calories/carb. Congrats on your surgery. Good to see you are following your plan despite the additional stress. From what I know, popsicles are a great way to get hydrated. Whatever works. They offered them to me at the hospital (also offered coffee lol but that's for another thread).

[smc124 118]

On 12/09/2022 at 19:15, Tomo said:

Show her the label so she can see for herself they are sugar free and low calories/carb. Congrats on your surgery. Good to see you are following your plan despite the additional stress. From what I know, popsicles are a great way to get hydrated. Whatever works. They offered them to me at the hospital (also offered coffee lol but that's for another thread).

She’s read the label… diet culture is just so ingrained in her she still assigns moralistic value to different foods and is unable to unsee it in exchange for hydration value let alone the express instructions of my surgery/nutrition team.

All of this said I think maybe I’m most upset about this because I thought my mom had somehow evolved past this.

Thank you for the encouragement and for listening. This message board is a god send.

[Tomo 1,191]

She’s read the label… diet culture is just so ingrained in her she still assigns moralistic value to different foods and is unable to unsee it in exchange for hydration value let alone the express instructions of my surgery/nutrition team.

All of this said I think maybe I’m most upset about this because I thought my mom had somehow evolved past this.

Thank you for the encouragement and for listening. This message board is a god send.

I understand and again, it's so difficult and trying as it is, let alone with the added stress so I don't think you are overreacting at all. I have issues with some of my family too, and often disappointed in their responses. Being disappointed in your mother's responses but not letting it affect your plan is inspiring. Keep the good work.

[Arabesque 7,193]

Dealing with others (especially family) who don’t fully get it can be challenging, frustrating & upsetting. They’re trying to be supportive but …

I remember my mum saying in frustration she didn’t know what I ate anymore & didn’t know what to have in the house when I visited. Well I ate pretty much what she did & did all the cooking when I was there but she felt lost, confused & didn’t want to jeopardise my weight loss. Maybe this is where your Mum’s coming from. Have you tried sitting her down with your program & going through it with her or even attending one of your dietician appointments. Remind her no one diet works for everyone because how bodies have different require to to function effectively & well. Your program has been designed to support your recovery & healing from surgery, to introduce healthy, nutrient dense foods to benefit your weight loss & health, & can be modified to meet any specific needs you might have. Can’t hurt.

While sugar free popsicles are allowed I wonder if eating 4, 5 or more are too many in a day. Yes, they have no added sugar but they have artificial sweeteners which continue to feed your desire/craving for sweet. Also many develop an intolerance to sweeteners (particularly the alcohol sugars - end in ‘ol’) & over consuming may increase your risk. Try reducing how many you have each day & swap in alternative fluids like Protein waters, green or herbal teas, etc. Worth a chat with your dietician but it is your choice.

[smc124 118]

On 12/09/2022 at 23:42, Tomo said:

I understand and again, it's so difficult and trying as it is, let alone with the added stress so I don't think you are overreacting at all. I have issues with some of my family too, and often disappointed in their responses. Being disappointed in your mother's responses but not letting it affect your plan is inspiring. Keep the good work.

Thank you, again.❤️

[BigSue 1,357]

Oh wow, I feel your pain! My parents came to visit me, after I had lost 200 pounds, and my mom saw me mixing the essential amino acid supplement that I take daily (as recommended by my PCP). She looked at the label and said, “You know that has CALORIES?!”

Five. It has five calories in a scoop. And thanks, mom, I lost 200 pounds without your help but I still need you to micromanage my calories.

I guess some moms just can’t help themselves. Most of the time — and I think this is true in your case and mine — they have good intentions but no idea how harmful they can be. My mom put me on the path of yo-yo dieting from my pre-teen years. I’m sure she just wanted me to be healthy and never anticipated that the yo-yo dieting would contribute to long-term weight gain. So I feel free to ignore her comments.

[smc124 118]

On 12/09/2022 at 23:44, Arabesque said:

Dealing with others (especially family) who don’t fully get it can be challenging, frustrating & upsetting. They’re trying to be supportive but …

I remember my mum saying in frustration she didn’t know what I ate anymore & didn’t know what to have in the house when I visited. Well I ate pretty much what she did & did all the cooking when I was there but she felt lost, confused & didn’t want to jeopardise my weight loss. Maybe this is where your Mum’s coming from. Have you tried sitting her down with your program & going through it with her or even attending one of your dietician appointments. Remind her no one diet works for everyone because how bodies have different require to to function effectively & well. Your program has been designed to support your recovery & healing from surgery, to introduce healthy, nutrient dense foods to benefit your weight loss & health, & can be modified to meet any specific needs you might have. Can’t hurt.

While sugar free popsicles are allowed I wonder if eating 4, 5 or more are too many in a day. Yes, they have no added sugar but they have artificial sweeteners which continue to feed your desire/craving for sweet. Also many develop an intolerance to sweeteners (particularly the alcohol sugars - end in ‘ol’) & over consuming may increase your risk. Try reducing how many you have each day & swap in alternative fluids like Protein waters, green or herbal teas, etc. Worth a chat with your dietician but it is your choice.

Had this not been expressly approved by my nutrition team I would not have posted.

[catwoman7 11,210]

wow - those are only like 20 calories a piece. I don't know what to tell you since fortunately I didn't have to deal with any "food police" when I was a new post-op. Just smile and nod and try to ignore her, I guess. You've already pointed out the carbs and calories to her, so there's not much more you can do using a rational approach. How long is she there for?

[The Greater Fool 2,011]

There were days when in the first month or so that I ate a dozen or more SF Popsicles. I did them because early on I could barely eat or drink and the little bit of Fluid and big flavor helped tremendously in many ways. They were lights on dark days. As I was able to eat and drink better the SF Popsicles fell out of my diet on their own. For the record my medical team suggested SF Popsicles for early on for the very reasons I used them.

There is no way I didn't and don't take my surgery and plan seriously even now. I was a plan Nazi the first 3 years and slightly more flexible since. I lost my excess weight and have maintained it. SF drinks are a frequent element of my diet. I think artificial sugars are the gods' gift and have no issue consuming them when I want a sweet flavor.

Everyone, interestingly, is different. If consuming artificial sweeteners causes you issues, go with me here, don't consume them. If anything causes you issues avoid them.

If you don't have a problem, don't let anyone make it a problem.

Good luck,

Tek

Edited December 10, 2022 by The Greater Fool

[NP_WIP 274]

I feel your pain and commend you for actually involving her in your process. I took the easy way out and just did not tell my mom even though she lives with me. She stills try to see what I eat but I have a different eating schedule so she only sees my Snacks.< br>
Keep following your program and remember your why, and maybe remind her too, if she wants to be a part of the process.

Sent from my SM-G960U1 using BariatricPal mobile app

[summerseeker 2,114]

You are at your most vulnerable at the moment. You have just had a huge surgery that will turn your life upside down for a few months. Your hormones are all over the place and you are very sore. You have to cope with a whole new way of restricted eating and drinking. Life for you is very tough at the moment. Add in to this mix is a mum who is trying to be part of this new you. If my mum were alive I can bet she would say something similar too.

What you are going through is tough now but it will get easier soon. Once you feel stronger you will be able to cope better. Eat and drink what ever your team say is ok. Ignore the other stuff as best you can. I still eat sugar free popsicles because they taste good to me.

If you need to vent again, we are here, we listen and hope it will help you

[ms.sss 15,490]

3 hours ago, The Greater Fool said:

Everyone, interestingly, is different. If consuming artificial sweeteners causes you issues, go with me here, don't consume them. If anything causes you issues avoid them.

If you don't have a problem, don't let anyone make it a problem.

+1

sorry. it sucks to be in your situation. people generally suck (and most don't even know it, poor things)

im with @catwoman7 about accepting that you've exhausted your attempts at rational reasoning, and at this point your recovery is more important than educating her. your energies are best used elsewhere.

sounds like right now your need to have your mom around surpasses your annoyance level. soon, i assume, the tide may turn the other way. until then, hope you can find ways to accept her uninformed stance in some sort of peace.

Good Luck!

[qtdoll 535]

Your mom sounds a lot like my mom. Mentally stuck in 90's/2000's diet culture that makes them think anything enjoyable is bad for you & you can only lose weight is your food is green & tasteless.

I'm now close to 3 months post op & she has learned about food & macros during my journey. I've made it a point to educate, as annoying as it is sometimes. Ofc you don't have to do that bc I know how stubborn moms are but NO you did not over-react.

Our journey is so specific to us & they're on the outside looking in. They won't understand unless they spend the same hours we spent reading about this. Good on you for sticking to ur plan!

Edited December 10, 2022 by bbykitty

[SpartanMaker 767]

Obviously from the reaction of others here, this is a common thing. I really feel that what your mother said was said out of love and concern. She probably had no idea how hurtful this felt to you.

Now that it's been a few days and you've hopefully moved past the initial hurt, I wanted to give you a few thoughts on how do deal with this both now and in the future.

Start by addressing your own emotional state. Even though, like I said, I doubt her goal was to hurt you, that doesn't lessen the pain you feel. There are a few things you can do to keep this from becoming a deep or long-term wound:

• Take some time to acknowledge your feelings. They are legitimate and NEVER bad or wrong (in other words, NO, you're not overreacting). Show yourself some compassion and acknowledge that your feelings are legitimate. Be as kind and understanding with yourself as you would a close friend or loved one that was hurting.
• Remember (as you've seen here), that this is incredibly common. Instead of saying "I shouldn't overreact" when you feel hurt, acknowledge that most people on this journey have had a similar experience and that every one of us felt hurt by it.
• Don't blame yourself for others inability to express love and compassion in a helpful way. This was a failure on your mothers part, NOT yours.
• Don't make it personal. Your mother was reacting to an action your took, not attacking who you are or saying she hates you. Again, show yourself some self-love and remember that she simply misunderstood. Her comment was coming from a place of concern.

Here are some tips for ways you might be able to have a more fruitful discussion if this occurs again:

• ALWAYS start by assuming good intent. For example, you might respond by saying (with sincerity): "Thank you mom for your concern. I'm glad you're worried about my success and appreciate the support. These are actually a key part of the recovery process as recommended by my doctor so that I stay hydrated."
• If this doesn't help, or she reacts negatively (which is probable), take time to understand why she is concerned. You could say for example, "I know you love me and want to help, so I want to better understand why this is concerning to you. Can you explain?
• At this point you have to truly listen to what she is saying. Your job at this point is to understand HER feelings. (Yes, what I'm saying is you may need to be the grown-up in this relationship.)
• Where the conversation goes from here is up to you, but hopefully once your truly listen and understand her feelings, only then will you potentially have an opportunity to both explain your position, as well as (if you're lucky), use this as a teaching moment. This latter part will only come once she feels heard. You could, for example say something like: "Thanks mom for taking the time to share your concerns and for helping me through this journey. Would you be okay at this point with me explaining my reasoning for eating these?

Good luck, on your journey.