I just don't know

[MsCallieigh 13]

Hello all its been years I think since I've been on the boards. Weight loss wise I am doing well maintaining my 100lb plus weight loss from my sleeve surgery on Mexico 3 years ago. Relationship wise things have been great until recently. A little background we have been married 20plus years and have adult children. My husband was okay with my surgery and very supportive of the surgery. We work in the same industry and for the past 6 years have been working together in a predominantly male dominated field. This has never been an issue until now. My husband recently was switched from the shift we worked together and moved to another one. When he was notified he'd be moved he had them move me as well so we could continue to work together....no big deal whatever even though I was very happy where I was. So now we are on the new shift and not in the same building and it is eating him up he has become very insecure. He doesnt question what i wear or anything like that he is jusy super insecure. Since we are on a new schedule and delegated to specific buildings he can't pop up in my work area anymore and lay eyes on me,we don't have lunch at the same time,and he is attempting to get that changed. He hasn't said anything to me directly but he gives coworkers mean looks when they look at me and tries to stay stuck to me as much as he can. I'm genuinely not understanding why he is behaving that way and it's very shocking. I don't plan on leaving him I'm just concerned as to why he is doing this all of a sudden. Anyone else dealt with an issue like this where you work with your spouse and they became insecure? I think I'm gonna talk to him about it soon I just wanna vent because this is coming out of nowhere. At first I told him about things coworkers would say to me because of transparency but now if I feel it's too much I'd just go to hr if it's bad because I'm sure he would blow his fuse. Lately anything I tell him a coworker says he wants to confront them. I have convinced him not to but this puts me in a bad position and I wonder if I should continue working with him or find something else. Advice?

[SpartanMaker 784]

It's hard to know if this is jealousy or him wanting to protect you. Especially in a very male dominated field, he may feel that you are unsafe without him there to keep the other guys "in check".

You may not feel the need for his "protection", but I think to some extent, that behavior is ingrained in men from a very young age.

I could be completely off base here, but wanted to provide a male perspective so you understood it may not be what you think?

I do agree, the only way to move forward is to talk with him. Hopefully you can do so in a loving and non-confrontational way.

[MsCallieigh 13]

38 minutes ago, SpartanMaker said:

It's hard to know if this is jealousy or him wanting to protect you. Especially in a very male dominated field, he may feel that you are unsafe without him there to keep the other guys "in check".

You may not feel the need for his "protection", but I think to some extent, that behavior is ingrained in men from a very young age.

I could be completely off base here, but wanted to provide a male perspective so you understood it may not be what you think?

I do agree, the only way to move forward is to talk with him. Hopefully you can do so in a loving and non-confrontational way.

Wow to be honest that never crossed my mind but it is really out of character for him to be jealous so I will take that in consideration and talk to him and yeah I won't do it in an accusatory or confrontational manner because I truly love him and want us to be on the same page. I appreciate your input and viewpoint it may very well be spot on.

[Hop_Scotch 1,632]

I am by no means an expert on relationship behaviour, but from I take from your post is that it maybe insecurity / jeaolousy but also some control issues, in the sense of controlling you. His behaviour certainly isn't acceptable in the workplace.

Does your husband show the same behavour in other aspects of your life outside of work?

[MsCallieigh 13]

52 minutes ago, Hop_Scotch said:

I am by no means an expert on relationship behaviour, but from I take from your post is that it maybe insecurity / jeaolousy but also some control issues, in the sense of controlling you. His behaviour certainly isn't acceptable in the workplace.

Does your husband show the same behavour in other aspects of your life outside of work?

I can see this. I feel it isn't appropriate at work either. I'm gonna talk with him about it tomorrow. I don't feel he does outside of work but we've worked together for about 10 years and so the Water is murky. I hope whatever it is that he is honest with me so we can put it behind us.

[Hop_Scotch 1,632]

31 minutes ago, MsCallieigh said:

I can see this. I feel it isn't appropriate at work either. I'm gonna talk with him about it tomorrow. I don't feel he does outside of work but we've worked together for about 10 years and so the Water is murky. I hope whatever it is that he is honest with me so we can put it behind us.

Sorry I had edited my post but not all of it. I didn't mean to imply his behaviour wasn't only unacceptable in the workplace.

Good luck with your discussion.

[Recidivist 1,141]

I'm not a relationship expert either. However, based on what you've shared, I would guess it's insecurity. When you were obese, perhaps he didn't worry about other men being interested in you, but he could see this as a real possibility now that you've lost so much weight. He may simply need reassurance of your commitment to him. This should be obvious after 20 years, but your circumstances have changed. Even if we know it's true, we all want to hear our partners tell us that they love us and would never leave us!

Edited October 23, 2022 by Recidivist

[MsCallieigh 13]

True indeed! Thanks for your input.

[SeattleLady 277]

Hello all its been years I think since I've been on the boards. Weight loss wise I am doing well maintaining my 100lb plus weight loss from my sleeve surgery on Mexico 3 years ago. Relationship wise things have been great until recently. A little background we have been married 20plus years and have adult children. My husband was okay with my surgery and very supportive of the surgery. We work in the same industry and for the past 6 years have been working together in a predominantly male dominated field. This has never been an issue until now. My husband recently was switched from the shift we worked together and moved to another one. When he was notified he'd be moved he had them move me as well so we could continue to work together....no big deal whatever even though I was very happy where I was. So now we are on the new shift and not in the same building and it is eating him up he has become very insecure. He doesnt question what i wear or anything like that he is jusy super insecure. Since we are on a new schedule and delegated to specific buildings he can't pop up in my work area anymore and lay eyes on me,we don't have lunch at the same time,and he is attempting to get that changed. He hasn't said anything to me directly but he gives coworkers mean looks when they look at me and tries to stay stuck to me as much as he can. I'm genuinely not understanding why he is behaving that way and it's very shocking. I don't plan on leaving him I'm just concerned as to why he is doing this all of a sudden. Anyone else dealt with an issue like this where you work with your spouse and they became insecure? I think I'm gonna talk to him about it soon I just wanna vent because this is coming out of nowhere. At first I told him about things coworkers would say to me because of transparency but now if I feel it's too much I'd just go to hr if it's bad because I'm sure he would blow his fuse. Lately anything I tell him a coworker says he wants to confront them. I have convinced him not to but this puts me in a bad position and I wonder if I should continue working with him or find something else. Advice?

Counseling! People can be controlling, and jealous. You are getting more attention. He needs to build his own self worth. Please pay attention. And, realize a relationship takes two and being unhappy is a choice.

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[ShoppGirl 4,861]

It sounds like after 20 years together you may be able to talk through this on your own but if you can’t perhaps a therapist can help get to the bottom of it. To me it sounds like there may be a little insecurity on his part but Spartan maker presented a really good alternate theory as well. You both have to be completely open to get to the bottom of it, though and I am a true believer that counseling works so my suggestion is to try talking first and if that doesn’t work then consider therapy.

[LookingForward22 320]

I agree with therapy as an option if talking to him doesn’t get you anywhere.

If it’s not his nature to be insecure or jealous, it’s possible he’s hearing things from male coworkers that you aren’t, not necessarily about you but how others talk about women in general and when you share things (rightfully so… to get honest with him) he gets upset - knowing how the coworkers can be. It could be as simple as wanting to protect you or it could be he’s becoming insecure as you become healthier.

Either way - the best way to get to the bottom of it is to talk to him. And if the two of you can’t work through it one on one, a counselor might be the next step. Best of luck!

[MsCallieigh 13]

**Update** I did discuss things with him and he seemed to understand but it was definitely underlying insecurity. He has lately been constantly telling me what men at work are looking at me and "like me" We haven't ever dealt with this before but I don't like it at all. Overall I think he doesn't trust me and that really sucks. I think counseling is the remedy if he agrees to it and if not we may very well be another couple/ relationship ended.