Unsupportive Husband

[Amhuston82 4]

Hello! I am going to be having a laproscopic gastric bypass later this fall and my husband is 100% unsupportive. He says I am stupid if I have the surgery and that I am taking the lazy way out. He believes the exact same results can be reached with diet and exercise alone. I am turning 40 this year and am 5'4 and weigh 330lbs. I have dieted, worked out alone, with groups and with personal trainers until I am blue in the face and will lose 30 to 40 pounds then gain it all back. I am very stout in my build. I have 7 inches of spinal column that fused to my tailbone in development so my overall body is meant to be 5'10-5'11. I will never be skinny. I want to be healthy. Him not being supportive will not stop me from going forward but how do I make him understand this is the right move for me? I will also note that no one in his family is supportive as they are all very close-minded and have the same negative attitude he does. He is not overweight. He is a farmer, is very active and his metabolism is great. We have two young daughters and they are my why. I want my next 40 years to be my healthiest.

[Possum220 230]

Maybe he is just scared. Surgery never was and never will be the easy way out. You will still need to eat well, exercise and change your relationship with food. Being healthy is a brilliant reason to do this. Your body will thank you for this step that you are taking.

[Nikki35Cunn 8]

I fully can relate to your story. I'm currently 7months post op. An now I have my husband an family on board. Nobody understood why I wanted the vsg surgery. An everyone thought I can get the weight off myself etc. So I mentally prepared myself to go on this journey along. The only support I had was my 3 children. So fast forward 7 months later he can't keeps his hands off me !! [emoji6] An my family can't believe the transformation. An believe it or not I was able to encourage my sister to get vsg ..who is currently 4wks post op. So I say this to say follow your heart desires an have no fear or worries about support. Because the truth of the matter is you will have friendships, and relationships that will end once you bark on this journey. Im a witness I lost a lot of ppl who I had long term friendships with. But it was for the better. So just prepare yourself.. I actually went to therapy before I had surgery and it prepared me for anything that may would have happened after surgery. Best of luck to you on your journey please come join the banana sleeve gang!!! [emoji529][emoji529]

Sent from my WTCELERO5G using BariatricPal mobile app

[Arabesque 7,243]

This is far from an easy way out. I’ve never worked as hard with a diet as I did after my surgery. I changed what I eat & how I eat & did a lot of mental work to discover why I ate. I also did a lot of research into nutrition & discovered what worked for me & my body.

We’ve all dieted & exercised in the past & successfully lost weight & like you we all put it back on too which is why we turned to surgery. We’re ridden that merry go round many times. For every person you find who says I followed this diet & lost weight & maintained you’ll find 1000s who tried it & failed. The diet industry is a multi billion dollar industry for a reason & there’s a reason the number of weight loss surgery procedures is increasing.

By the way, exercising only contributes to 10-20% of the weight you have to lose (read somewhere recently that it’s really only 5-10% 🤷🏻‍♀️).

We don’t say surgery is a tool for nothing. Just like buying a treadmill or a gym membership (for which you’d be congratulated), if you don’t use the treadmill or go to the gym nothing has changed & you won’t achieve anything. Same with the surgery, if you don’t use it you wont succeed. Many of the surgery benefits don’t last forever (like the lack of hunger, the restriction, etc.) which is why you have to take advantage of the time they do & establish new & better habits. Something we never did with other diets.

You are making the decision to have surgery for excellent reasons: your health & your family. And you have years of weight loss/gain experience on which to base your decision. Sadly though, you may never convince your husband. Thinner people will never truely understand the challenges & anguish faced by those with weight issues.

At least you’ll find plenty of support here.

I wish you all the best.

PS - Don’t be surprised if your husband & his family start sharing ‘horror surgery’ stories. It seems to be what happens next in plans to turn you off surgery. When they start with the friend of a friend of a friend, ask to speak to the one who had the surgery (they likely won’t exist or the story has been twisted) or share stories from here.

Edited July 28, 2022 by Arabesque

[Smanky 747]

You still have to diet and excercise with WLS. The surgery is there to keep you on track. I call mine my co-pilot, or the adult voice that says "no, you absolutely don't need that" and it works. People who sprout the "easy way out" nonsense simply don't understand what WLS is or does. It is still hard. Every bit as hard as a "normal diet", because it IS a "normal diet", in fact an even stricter one. You can try to explain it to him.

Ultimately though, you'll have to be your own support here. Once the weight starts coming off and you emerge from obesity a happier and more repaired person, they will all see that it was in fact the right thing for you.

[summerseeker 2,141]

I have been a member of this forum for about 18 months and you are now the fourth woman that I have come across on here having this problem with family. If you want this surgery then you will have a fight on your hands. Its going to get dirty. For their own reasons they don't want you to change.

Personally I agree with you, you will continually gain and loose the same weight over and over again, I did. Its heart breaking.

The people on this forum will help in any way they can. If you can get to do this, you wont regret it.

[Queen ApisM 427]

I'm so sorry you are not getting the support you deserve at home.

As someone mentioned, some of this could be coming from a place of fear - surgery is a big deal. I also think that people who haven't dealt with weight issues do not understand how truly complex physically and emotionally, and how our bodies are legitimately hardwired to make sustained weight loss difficult if not impossible for most. Has your husband met with or attended any information sessions with the surgeon? If he hasn't, perhaps you can get him to do that? I found that many of the information sessions touch on the science behind why this is the best way to get significant, sustained weight loss for many people.

Having said that, even if he won't attend such a session (you can probably find virtual ones that you could attend from home) or won't listen to the information, you need to do what's right for you. You are the one living in your body. You are the one who knows your struggles and desires. Don't let other people dictate what you do. Unfortunately, it will be harder without good support, but that's what this board and similar communities can help provide.

[LaTiaV 111]

Since the day I talked about wanting to have a surgery, my husband said NO. I tried to give him as much information as I possibly could, I told him I was scared of the surgery but I was also scared because I could feel the weight increasing. We watched videos together and each time he was more against it. Then I told him I was going to do it anyway, I asked him that if he was not supportive at least not to remind me all that could go wrong.

So I did it. I cannot say I was not surprised when he was making my teas and chicken broth and getting me Protein Shakes, even taking walks with me, he was following all the instructions even better than I did. My guess is that he was still worried and wanted to be sure I was ok after surgery, we have adjusted, now the surgery is not the only thing in our minds, he loves that he can hug me like when I was the girlfriend 25 years ago, but he does not want to go to walks with me anymore, he says is too hot outside.

So maybe, give him time...

[Amhuston82 4]

Thabk you so much everyone! This is the type of community I was seeking when I came here!

[Tomo 1,191]

15 hours ago, Amhuston82 said:

Hello! I am going to be having a laproscopic gastric bypass later this fall and my husband is 100% unsupportive. He says I am stupid if I have the surgery and that I am taking the lazy way out. He believes the exact same results can be reached with diet and exercise alone. I am turning 40 this year and am 5'4 and weigh 330lbs. I have dieted, worked out alone, with groups and with personal trainers until I am blue in the face and will lose 30 to 40 pounds then gain it all back. I am very stout in my build. I have 7 inches of spinal column that fused to my tailbone in development so my overall body is meant to be 5'10-5'11. I will never be skinny. I want to be healthy. Him not being supportive will not stop me from going forward but how do I make him understand this is the right move for me? I will also note that no one in his family is supportive as they are all very close-minded and have the same negative attitude he does. He is not overweight. He is a farmer, is very active and his metabolism is great. We have two young daughters and they are my why. I want my next 40 years to be my healthiest.

Reminds me of two myths:

1) WLS is the easy way out. (It's definitely not easy, It is a great tool but it takes dedication and hard work. A lifelong battle. Your husband will see that as you progress through your journey. Maybe he will come to understand what we are up against.)

2) WLS is a magic pill. (WLS only works long term if you work at it. Some people aren't willing to do what it takes which is their choice but their weight loss will cease early. Guessing calories is usually inaccurate so tracking nutrition helps see why or why not one is losing weight.).

[The Greater Fool 2,024]

WLS isn't the easy way. It's hard differently.

To the OP my suggestion is to keep talking to your hubby / family. You are upsetting the status quo and will be throwing all of your relationships out of balance. Some will become better, some will remain unchanged, and some will get worse. Some may dissolve altogether. Hopefully, after your surgery when it's no longer a choice but rather something with which to live, your hubby and family will jump on board to make the best of the situation. Maybe not.

Keep talking, keep informing, keep relating what you hope to get from them even though they don't support the choice. Perhaps show them that in the past you've supported them when you disagreed. Keep the communication going.

Enjoy the ride.

Good luck,

Tek

[KimA-GA 540]

A few things pop to mind with the info you provided. He may see some eating habits you need to address before surgery. You may want to ask his viewpoint on that.

He also may be scared of the change to you and your relationship after losing the weight. My husband was/is 100% supportive - but he is scared of it some now since I talked to him about what happens a LOT to marriages after surgery. At the very least the dynamic is changed; but often people pull apart. He sounds like a very active individual - maybe you could allay some of his fears by starting to talk about some of the activities you could do together after you lose weight that you are limited on now. Showing you are wanting to enhance your relationship with the change.

you know him beat and he knows you well. It’s good for both of you to understand before where the other is coming from.