Sometimes the truth hurts

[Tony B - NJ 642]

All,

I was attacked by another member for telling a poster what I think is the truth to try to give them some tough love and open their eyes to what is happening. When people post on here, it is not a stretch to assume that they have a real problem and are looking at real solutions. What good does it do to reassure people that they are just fine and they are doing the right thing just to make them feel good. They are on here because they have a problem they need help with. If they want to solve the problem, sometimes they are going to have to hear something that may not make them smile. Sometimes the truth hurts and in order to come to a solution, you have to look at everything realistically to make the corrections needed.

I was accused of purposely being unhelpful and I take offense to that. I have posted many more encouraging posts to people than the opposite because most people here just need a little reassurance and they are doing the right things to be successful. Once in a while, people are not doing what their surgical team recommends or may be doing things counterproductive and I have said that point blank. Does that make me a "mean" person as this person accused me of? Maybe, but maybe, just maybe the original poster needed to hear the "mean" truth in order to understand what needs to be done.

Bottom line is, if people post on here, I again assume they want people to be truthful and helpful, not just be a cheerleader and try to make them feel better. They will feel better when they are successful in their journey.

[lizonaplane 1,613]

Maybe YOU feel better when people are giving you tough love, but most people do not. Most people find "supportive" comments make them more inclined to change their behavior. And, you were probably struggling with your weight for years before surgery. Did anyone "telling you the truth about how you're doing everything wrong" cause you to meaningfully start eating healthier and exercising more? If it did, you wouldn't have ended up getting surgery.

There is so much scientific literature that shows that BULLYING is not helpful. Telling people that they MUST be doing everything wrong or else they'd have great results is NEVER going to make someone change their behavior, and it ASSUMES that there is something wrong with what they are doing.

Since you are not their doctor and have not examined them, and you do not follow them around all day watching what they eat and do, you can only assume that she is doing everything wrong; you really have no evidence, and I know there are a lot of people who do everything right and still don't loose much weight.

JUST STOP BEING MEAN AND UNHELPFUL

[kcuster83 1,504]

There is a fine line between supportive and mean... gotta tread lightly.

[Tony B - NJ 642]

I truly don't care how you feel about this. I see you trying to reassure people they are doing the right thing all the time and that is fine...it is your opinion and I never, ever comment on other people's responses. But your approach is different than mine and I think it is prudent to tell people the truth. She even states her Doctor does not think her progress is satisfactory so obviously something is not being done correctly.

I think it best for you to back off and keep your opinion to yourself like I do when I do not agree with your approach. My opinion in this particular issue may not be correct, maybe it is correct, but the same goes for your opinion on it. You may be correct and you may be wrong. Respect other people's opinions.

Finally, people post on here for opinions and advice. If they expect everyone to agree with them, they should not ask for opinions or maybe just say what they want to hear and everyone can answer how they want to be answered.

[Tony B - NJ 642]

25 minutes ago, kcuster83 said:

There is a fine line between supportive and mean... gotta tread lightly.

Very true....but I feel it is important to tell people the truth. Maybe my method is a little rough but the heart is in the right place, I can assure you.

[Healthy4longerlife 14]

1 hour ago, Tony B - NJ said:

All,

I was attacked by another member for telling a poster what I think is the truth to try to give them some tough love and open their eyes to what is happening. When people post on here, it is not a stretch to assume that they have a real problem and are looking at real solutions. What good does it do to reassure people that they are just fine and they are doing the right thing just to make them feel good. They are on here because they have a problem they need help with. If they want to solve the problem, sometimes they are going to have to hear something that may not make them smile. Sometimes the truth hurts and in order to come to a solution, you have to look at everything realistically to make the corrections needed.

I was accused of purposely being unhelpful and I take offense to that. I have posted many more encouraging posts to people than the opposite because most people here just need a little reassurance and they are doing the right things to be successful. Once in a while, people are not doing what their surgical team recommends or may be doing things counterproductive and I have said that point blank. Does that make me a "mean" person as this person accused me of? Maybe, but maybe, just maybe the original poster needed to hear the "mean" truth in order to understand what needs to be done.

Bottom line is, if people post on here, I again assume they want people to be truthful and helpful, not just be a cheerleader and try to make them feel better. They will feel better when they are successful in their journey.

I read the 3 pages on the original post you are referring to. And I have to agree with you on this. I understand people want support, but your original reply to the article was not rude, you tried your best to say it in a nice way. If people just want support with whatever their results are they anything we do in life is okay. I agree we all need to be positive , but if someone has a surgery that went far from what was planned as far as results, something needs to change, maybe a revision surgery, a change in the diet, see a therapist to deal with the demons we all have. You seemed to be more helpful than most on that chat that are just cheering on anything as its greaaaaaattt like tony the tiger. I really wish the OP of that chat a very successful weight loss journey.

[SleeveToBypass2023 2,637]

1 hour ago, Tony B - NJ said:

All,

I was attacked by another member for telling a poster what I think is the truth to try to give them some tough love and open their eyes to what is happening. When people post on here, it is not a stretch to assume that they have a real problem and are looking at real solutions. What good does it do to reassure people that they are just fine and they are doing the right thing just to make them feel good. They are on here because they have a problem they need help with. If they want to solve the problem, sometimes they are going to have to hear something that may not make them smile. Sometimes the truth hurts and in order to come to a solution, you have to look at everything realistically to make the corrections needed.

I was accused of purposely being unhelpful and I take offense to that. I have posted many more encouraging posts to people than the opposite because most people here just need a little reassurance and they are doing the right things to be successful. Once in a while, people are not doing what their surgical team recommends or may be doing things counterproductive and I have said that point blank. Does that make me a "mean" person as this person accused me of? Maybe, but maybe, just maybe the original poster needed to hear the "mean" truth in order to understand what needs to be done.

Bottom line is, if people post on here, I again assume they want people to be truthful and helpful, not just be a cheerleader and try to make them feel better. They will feel better when they are successful in their journey.

YIKES. Ok this is a tough one. I am a very blunt, call it like I see it person IRL. I call out BS and I don't put up with pity parties and manipulation. And yes, I've seen a person or 2 on here that falls into that category, so I tend to stay away from those posts. The reason being, food addiction is a real thing. It's an ugly beast that can strike at any time. Some may not be doing what they need to, and while my first instinct (and clearly yours) is to point it out and "give it to em straight", there's a way to say things that still get the point across without the humiliation and hurt and aggressiveness. We have all suffered that IRL. That's part of why we're here and had the surgery. We are looking for like minded people that truly understand the unrelenting hold that food demon has on us. And we're looking for compassionate advice on how to get past it and get (or stay) on track. Maybe therapy is needed, maybe accountability IRL is needed, maybe experiences from others and how they did it is needed, maybe just strength and encouragement is needed (this might be the only place they get it). And yes, sometimes tough love is needed. But it's not up to us to give it. We don't know their state of mind, their emotional status, anything. I am as motivated as they come. But if I falter, if I mess up, I would hope I could get some compassionate and supportive help to get me back on track and not be bereted for not living up to the ideal standards.

[Tony B - NJ 642]

36 minutes ago, Healthy4longerlife said:

I read the 3 pages on the original post you are referring to. And I have to agree with you on this. I understand people want support, but your original reply to the article was not rude, you tried your best to say it in a nice way. If people just want support with whatever their results are they anything we do in life is okay. I agree we all need to be positive , but if someone has a surgery that went far from what was planned as far as results, something needs to change, maybe a revision surgery, a change in the diet, see a therapist to deal with the demons we all have. You seemed to be more helpful than most on that chat that are just cheering on anything as its greaaaaaattt like tony the tiger. I really wish the OP of that chat a very successful weight loss journey.

Thank you for capturing and understanding my intention. Sometimes it takes a little intelligence and patience to read through and understand what people are trying to say!! Thank you again!!

[liveaboard15 1,293]

I am a person who prefers to hear the blunt truth and in real life i tell people the blunt truth. On here on this forum... Not so much. There are tons of post where i want to actually speak my mind which would probably hurt peoples feelings... But not all of us are like that. Me personally hurting my feelings or offending me is nearly impossible. But for others... literally takes nothing to get offended or hurt. So i choose not to be that way to not get people upset at me here lol.

Edited May 12, 2022 by liveaboard15

[Tony B - NJ 642]

7 minutes ago, SleeveDiva2022 said:

YIKES. Ok this is a tough one. I am a very blunt, call it like I see it person IRL. I call out BS and I don't put up with pity parties and manipulation. And yes, I've seen a person or 2 on here that falls into that category, so I tend to stay away from those posts. The reason being, food addiction is a real thing. It's an ugly beast that can strike at any time. Some may not be doing what they need to, and while my first instinct (and clearly yours) is to point it out and "give it to em straight", there's a way to say things that still get the point across without the humiliation and hurt and aggressiveness. We have all suffered that IRL. That's part of why we're here and had the surgery. We are looking for like minded people that truly understand the unrelenting hold that food demon has on us. And we're looking for compassionate advice on how to get past it and get (or stay) on track. Maybe therapy is needed, maybe accountability IRL is needed, maybe experiences from others and how they did it is needed, maybe just strength and encouragement is needed (this might be the only place they get it). And yes, sometimes tough love is needed. But it's not up to us to give it. We don't know their state of mind, their emotional status, anything. I am as motivated as they come. But if I falter, if I mess up, I would hope I could get some compassionate and supportive help to get me back on track and not be bereted for not living up to the ideal standards.

A huge difference between being berated and being told that you are making mistakes and pointing out improvement opportunities.

[(Deleted through replacement 30]

Actually, I did say what I wanted to hear. I said, please tell me I haven't failed. It's literally in the title.

Making a passive-aggressive post over here about my thread is kinda rude.

[Tony B - NJ 642]

10 minutes ago, Miratia said:

Actually, I did say what I wanted to hear. I said, please tell me I haven't failed. It's literally in the title.

Making a passive-aggressive post over here about my thread is kinda rude.

It was not just about your post. There have been several on here, one a couple weeks ago when the poster asked questions and many people answered and the person got very mean and attacked them. I truly just wanted to help. Good luck.

[GreenTealael 25,383]

4 hours ago, Tony B - NJ said:

All,

I was attacked by another member for telling a poster what I think is the truth to try to give them some tough love and open their eyes to what is happening. When people post on here, it is not a stretch to assume that they have a real problem and are looking at real solutions. What good does it do to reassure people that they are just fine and they are doing the right thing just to make them feel good. They are on here because they have a problem they need help with. If they want to solve the problem, sometimes they are going to have to hear something that may not make them smile. Sometimes the truth hurts and in order to come to a solution, you have to look at everything realistically to make the corrections needed.

I was accused of purposely being unhelpful and I take offense to that. I have posted many more encouraging posts to people than the opposite because most people here just need a little reassurance and they are doing the right things to be successful. Once in a while, people are not doing what their surgical team recommends or may be doing things counterproductive and I have said that point blank. Does that make me a "mean" person as this person accused me of? Maybe, but maybe, just maybe the original poster needed to hear the "mean" truth in order to understand what needs to be done.

Bottom line is, if people post on here, I again assume they want people to be truthful and helpful, not just be a cheerleader and try to make them feel better. They will feel better when they are successful in their journey.

The usual reaction would be to help people in the way you are able. Hopefully a large enough cross section of comments would lead someone to the answer they are looking for.

But sometimes you have to choose between giving people the help they request (I need a solution vs I just need comfort) or just not responding at all.

[ms.sss 15,664]

Ok. I may regret dipping my toes into these waters, as i am anti-confrontation…but im feeling particularly ballsy today. Here goes:

Im gonna declare myself Team Tony here…to a certain degree.

Tony, i just read “that” thread that is being referred to and specifically looked up this thread up as it was mentioned there (am a glutton for punishment).

For what its worth, your initial response did not read unhelpful and mean to ME. I got what i think was your intention to sincerely (and firmly) help sans any coddling.

I’ve read some truly unhelpful and mean posts here before (and that guy was banned thank goodness Superman/Mikey, anyone???) and yours does not come close.

However.

The OP did not see/read into your post your intention, and said so (however “colourful” thier reply). At this point it *may* have been more prudent to just shrug and walk away. OP was looking for something else (commiseration, maybe? Validation? A place to vent? Love?). Further reading into that thread made it clear they weren’t looking for specific advice for change. Your well-intended words will hold zero Water here.

Now, i also feel for you (or anyone) when you got called stuff in CAPITAL LETTERS. I got second hand bad-feelings reading that.

Anyway just wanted to say a little something cuz i kinda feel you were misunderstood and then dumped on.

I may not agree with everything you say, but i respect your desire to share it (respectfully).

❤️

[ms.sss 15,664]

2 minutes ago, GreenTealael said:

The usual reaction would be to help people in the way you are able. Hopefully a large enough cross section of comments would lead someone to the answer they are looking for.

But sometimes you have to choose between giving people the help they request (I need a solution vs I just need comfort) or just not responding at all.

I should have waited to read your post on this before i spent time writing mine!

you said what I wanted to say much more succinctly with much much less words.

🙄