Negative comments from family members

[fourmonthspreop 510]

I like that a lot. My family would be really surprised if I did. Maybe just enough for them to stop! I'm working on talking less about my surgery/eating/symptoms to them. I think it just doesn't go well about 40% of the time so I'm learning to keep it to myself and my friends who support me and cheer me on.

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[Guest]

I have an incredibly problematic mother. She's a mother in law and was born to it. I find the ultimate solution is to talk about her and always pivot the conversation back to that. Narcissists love it.

[thinblueline 63]

I'm not sure if i should say this but your family they're cruel no one should be treated the way they treat you i dont even know you and i am a little angry i feel for you i really do, try your best to ignore them you will be so much better off and like you said just don't talk to them about your SX period i wish you well, truly.🌺

[suzannethemom 121]

At first I only told my husband and two adult sons. Then I made the mistake of telling my sister. She was not very supportive and said things like “you aren’t that fat” and “why don’t you try the Optifast diet instead?” I decided not to bring it up anymore when we text (she lives far away) but she kept bringing it up and asking negative questions like “aren’t you worried about dying? What if you lose too much weight? Are you sure your surgeon is qualified?” I couldn’t stand the questions and interrogation from her so I did a bad thing. I lied and told her that I didn’t get approved for surgery by my insurance. Now keeps asking me what diet I am going to do instead. She is super skinny and I think she enjoys me always being the fat sister. It’s like she is worried that I might become skinny and pretty too.

[fourmonthspreop 510]

Ugh that's terrible, I'm sorry [emoji20] I know what you mean though. My brother said to me the other day "wow, now I'm going to be the fat sibling" because I've always been bigger than him even though he's overweight but now I'm losing. I was just like "YEAH YOU WILL BE. TOO BAD". [emoji1787]

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[LilaNicole20 252]

30 minutes ago, fourmonthspreop said:

Ugh that's terrible, I'm sorry I know what you mean though. My brother said to me the other day "wow, now I'm going to be the fat sibling" because I've always been bigger than him even though he's overweight but now I'm losing. I was just like "YEAH YOU WILL BE. TOO BAD".

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brothers can be the worst, can't they?!

[Guest]

1 hour ago, suzannethemom said:

I did a bad thing. I lied and told her that I didn’t get approved for surgery by my insurance

You did a good thing. I told my brother I was (only) getting my gastric band removed.

[Guest]

On 3/18/2022 at 3:21 AM, fourmonthspreop said:

"what's gonna stop you from just gaining it all back?"

Ask them if they'd ask a cancer patient what's going to stop the patient from getting cancer again. That should shut them up real fast.

Obesity is a complex hormonal, social, full-body disease. One that requires chronic management. It's not a moral failure.

[sugarbee24 73]

At first I only told my husband and two adult sons. Then I made the mistake of telling my sister. She was not very supportive and said things like “you aren’t that fat” and “why don’t you try the Optifast diet instead?” I decided not to bring it up anymore when we text (she lives far away) but she kept bringing it up and asking negative questions like “aren’t you worried about dying? What if you lose too much weight? Are you sure your surgeon is qualified?” I couldn’t stand the questions and interrogation from her so I did a bad thing. I lied and told her that I didn’t get approved for surgery by my insurance. Now keeps asking me what diet I am going to do instead. She is super skinny and I think she enjoys me always being the fat sister. It’s like she is worried that I might become skinny and pretty too.

You are a beautiful woman! The only change will be that you will have smaller packaging. I think we all need a sign or a button that says "If you don't have anything supportive to say shut the hell up" what do you guys think?

[DonnaGS 58]

I've told most my family and friends and most have been supportive, with occasional negative comments such as " my sister is the only one that hasn't gained it back." I'm looking at it as a lack of experience and knowledge on their part and try to educated them. Every situation is of course, different. If someone weighs 300 lbs, like my friend, she lost 150 lbs, but then over next 15 years she gained 50 back. However, she is still down 100 lbs. I consider that a success, it kept her health in a good place. I try to pass that on and look at it from a different point of view. She wasn't trying to look in a bikini, its about health and she succeeded in that.

[GradyCat 3,695]

I didn't tell my family or anyone for just that reason. I don't want to hear the negativity and judgment. Only my husband knows.

[Tomo 1,195]

I didn't tell my family or anyone for just that reason. I don't want to hear the negativity and judgment. Only my husband knows.

Exactly what you said for me Same same. I figure why introduce anymore stress than necessary. I knew I couldn't do it without a tool like surgery. People told me I was fat all my life. Something I knew far too well as I had to live like that for most of my adult life...

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[thinblueline 63]

Where is that nice lady Sugarbee24🌷🌸

[Sheribear68 3,201]

On 03/17/2022 at 21:21, fourmonthspreop said:

I just need to vent because im so upset about this sometimes. Does anyone deal with negative comments from family members about your surgery? It's not so much about the fact that I got surgery but moreso constant questioning of my success. Like they're always like "what's gonna stop you from just gaining it all back?" "You might just go back to your old habits." "How are things gonna be any different this time?" "You got to the point of needing weight loss surgery to lose weight so how can you be successful?" That's actually what my brother just said to me and it made me so sad and upset. I've been working so hard to do it right this time but they just discredit me like it's another half baked idea. I wish they'd just tell me I got this and not question my dedication. I put in so much work to get where I am both mentally and physically. I made a comment about making sugar free brownie dip for my birthday and my family member said "isn't that what got you to this point in the first place, wanting to eat things like that?" And it just broke me like I'm not allowed to still Celebrate things with food. The all or nothing mindset is what drove my binge eating for years. All I want is to have a healthy relationship with all food and I'm finally in a place where I feel like I can, and then these comments are made. They make me feel like a failure or that I'm thinking incorrectly. I know deep down how far I've come but some days it really gets to me and tears me down. I'm sorry at this point I'm just venting. I just wish they'd recognize my successes and not constantly question my ability. Ughhhh

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Okay so lets both take a deep breath together and break some of this down:

Almost everyone here is here because we’ve had a history of eating/food/metabolism/addiction/toxic relationship issues. Maybe I’ve left a couple of things out, but that’s a good starting place.

Let me start by saying that I’m now 3 years and 2 months from VGS. I had exceptional results. Lost over 100% excess fat, exceeded everyone’s expectations, and have more or less maintained.
I lost 135 pounds in 9 months. Went from 267-132 (SW was 246). I’ve managed to maintain between 137-147 in the last 2 years after the free-fall dropped me down to 132. I was a hot mess at 132– BMI was right at 20% and people asked me all the time if I was sick. What I’m saying is the 10 pound “regain” is okay because I know that’s where my body needs to be.

That being said, it’s still work. I still have to monitor what/how much I put in my mouth. Sometimes I tend to drink too much and I realize I’m using alcohol as a sub for food and then I stop and regroup. Sometimes I will find myself emotionally eating and have to stop and regroup. Sometimes I’m having a bad day or I’m on vacation and I just don’t give a damn. Afterwards I will stop and regroup.

Only you (working with a therapist) can help deal with those habits, recognize them either during or after, then course correct. YOU do have all the power. Families can and will be toxic. If at all possible, have an exit strategy when it becomes too much. Have a go-to that doesn’t involve comforting with food and do that activity. Even if it’s as simple as putting on earbuds and listening to a guided medication. Even if you can’t physically exit the room.

Also, I’m going to recommend that-for the short term at least-you’re going to have to let a certain amount of it roll off of you. You have decided a change is needed, but others aren’t compelled to go along with. In a perfect world, they would, but none of us got morbidly obese by living in a perfect world.

I’m going to come out front and tell you that you WILL lose friends over this. There will be some relationships that WILL NOT be the same. They might end forever. You are about to embark on an amazing, difficult, rewarding, trying, and fantastic journey. It will be ugly at times. You will have highs and lows that will give you whiplash. You will not be the same person next year that you are this year. You MUST be prepared for all of this and be willing to embrace the good, the bad, and the ugly.

It’s okay to vent. This is one of the safest spaces ever so vent away unapologetically.

I’m trying my best to take my own advice because I’ve got plastics set up for May and my husband and my son are the only other two people on the planet who are aware I’m going to do this. I’m keeping it a secret from the rest of my family because of how many of them reacted when I had WLS.
If any of them notices (somewhat doubtful as I can hide a LOT of skin under my clothes and nobody is going to see me naked) I will tell them after the fact - unapologetically and with a challenge in my tone. That challenge will remind them of how far and how successful I’ve become since I started this journey in early 2018.

You’ve got this. We are here to help

[fourmonthspreop 510]

Very true
Thank you so much for your kind words. It's a bit difficult since my mom helped me pay for surgery and I live with my mom and brother at the moment so it's hard to hide
We're also a close knit family so not many secrets get kept. I just realize how toxic their habits are and how they'd never be strong enough to ask for help. I pray that they do and will become better versions of themselves but im through not being able to change people. I'm losing weight quickly and making the right choices ultimately. I take my Psych meds and do regular therapy. I'm as close as I've ever felt to having a neutral relationship to food which is all I've ever strived for. It doesn't taunt me and I don't obsess over it. I'm hoping they just see how well I do and keep their mouths shut. Im moving out of this house in a month or two. I'll miss them but the distance will help me focus on myself 100% of the time.

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