Preop and divorce

[AjaSlimtone 34]

1 hour ago, ShoppGirl said:

For anyone who has a spouse that is not on board, have you tried bringing them with you to your appointments. Perhaps meeting the surgeon and even the psychiatrist could help you talk to them to help them understand that this isn’t a decision you are jumping into lightly. What are they afraid of? For me, I feel like my marriage is getting even better but I was thin when my husband and I met and he has always been thin so I am more able to do all the things we used to do together but I didn’t enjoy as much recently because of the weight. I just hate to see any marriage end over a surgery. At least not without trying everything to help them understand how life is different for us when thin and heavier and all the ways weight impacts us. I just know that some people on here have posted that had concerned spouses and taking them to their appointments did help (others it did not but it could be worth a try).

okay now I read that some prefer not to bring them to their appointments. I missed that post earlier.

1 hour ago, brightly said:

Here are some articles that might help him understand the science, including the fact that it isn't fully understood yet and is multifactorial. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/unexpected-clues-emerge-about-why-diets-fail/
https://www.vox.com/science-and-health/2017/12/7/16587316/bariatric-surgery-weight-loss-lap-band ... let me know if you need more articles. There is the other thing : people in societal groups that are favored (dudes, thin people, youth, the wealthy, the physically well etc...without getting too far into the politics of this) don't have to see things from a non-favored person's perspective (women, overweight people, people over 40, poor people, the infirm, etc...) because they are the recipients of most of society's advantages. In short, they are not forced to understand the other side. We are forced to, so we end up seeing things from both perspectives—the dominat, favored one because it is forced in our faces every day and our own because it is our reality in the face of that. Thin/fit people who love us need to aspire to a true medical understanding of the issue. (it would be great if dudes would likewise attempt to form a more educated understanding of women's historical struggle but let's not get too ambitious) Granted, this seems difficult, even for some of our own physicians, but we must reach for it, or we will never see it realized. Thin people also have to understand that obesity is a medical issue that has causes that are genetic, metabolic, hormonal, environmental. So perhaps giving him some articles to read might help. If they don't-- his resistance is not really about that. Good luck with this and keep us posted. We are with you!

Thank you both! ❤️

I've offered to have my husband come with me to meet the surgeon and he just says "Yeah yeah, I already know all of that and I've read the research. I just think it's extreme." So...fair enough. The more I try to get him to understand, the more he feels like I'm trying to force him to like it, and honestly, I'd rather put all my energy and focus on preparing for the surgery than trying to get my husband to buy into it. If he was on board with the surgery, then I'd LOVE to have him come with me to every appointment. But since he's not in agreement, I'd rather go by myself in peace rather than have the stress of him huffing and puffing because I dragged him along. If that makes sense.

For what it's worth, my husband and I don't have any issues outside of our disagreement about the surgery, so I honestly can't see this leading to divorce for *us*. We're still very affectionate, we still laugh and joke and silly banter like we've always done. We just don't see eye-to-eye on the surgery. He says "I don't like it, and I don't have to like it, but your body, your choice." He said he'll still be escorting me to/from the hospital and assisting with the post-op (he may not agree with the surgery, but he's not completely heartless about it). Once I actually have the surgery, I think he'll get over it.

Edited July 16, 2021 by AjaSlimtone

[brightly 16]

1 minute ago, AjaSlimtone said:

I've offered to have my husband come with me to meet the surgeon and he just says "Yeah yeah, I already know all of that and I've read the research. I just think it's extreme." So...fair enough. The more I try to get him to understand, the more he feels like I'm trying to force him to like it, and honestly, I'd rather put all my energy and focus on preparing for the surgery than trying to get my husband to buy into it. If he was on board with the surgery, then I'd LOVE to have him come with me to every appointment. But since he's not in agreement, I'd rather go by myself in peace rather than have the stress of him huffing and puffing because I dragged him along. If that makes sense.

For what it's worth, my husband and I don't have any issues outside of our disagreement about the surgery, so I honestly can't see this leading to divorce for *us*. We're still very affectionate, we still laugh and joke and silly banter like we've always done. We just don't see eye-to-eye on the surgery. He says "I don't like it, and I don't have to like it, but your body, your choice." He said he'll still be escorting me to/from the hospital and assisting with the post-op (he may not agree with the surgery, but he's not completely heartless about it). Once I actually have the surgery, I think he'll get over it.

It's good that he will be there for you anyway. For many of us, the health problems (heart attack, diabetes, stroke, sleep apnea, inability to exercise, knee/hip replacement, asthma issues and more) associated with being overweight long-term are so much more extreme than the only medical solution proven to help us get to and stay at a healthy weight. I thought it was a little humorous that he said he could not imagine having 20% of his stomach. I thought—well, he won't have to imagine—he can ask you how it feels, and you will tell him. Also- no one seems to be interested in how it feels health-wise to be overweight. (Perhaps your husband is the positive exception here, but in my experience, most people are quick to talk about the surgery and how horrific the idea is, but not how horrific it is to have a heart attack at a young age, or any other obesity-related health problem. ) Literally no one would say, "Gee, don't you think quadruple bypass surgery is extreme? I can't imagine having my heart surgically altered". But weight loss surgery is a medical necessity for some and a hope of prevention for others. It can be truly life-saving. Not that you need to hear that, because you already know it. But he should probably hear it. It sounds like he might come around in the end, and I wish you both the best. I'm mostly writing this for others whose spouses may need some help understanding the medical nature of the procedure.

[AjaSlimtone 34]

3 minutes ago, brightly said:

It's good that he will be there for you anyway. For many of us, the health problems (heart attack, diabetes, stroke, sleep apnea, inability to exercise, knee/hip replacement, asthma issues and more) associated with being overweight long-term are so much more extreme than the only medical solution proven to help us get to and stay at a healthy weight. I thought it was a little humorous that he said he could not imagine having 20% of his stomach. I thought—well, he won't have to imagine—he can ask you how it feels, and you will tell him. Also- no one seems to be interested in how it feels health-wise to be overweight. (Perhaps your husband is the positive exception here, but in my experience, most people are quick to talk about the surgery and how horrific the idea is, but not how horrific it is to have a heart attack at a young age, or any other obesity-related health problem. ) Literally no one would say, "Gee, don't you think quadruple bypass surgery is extreme? I can't imagine having my heart surgically altered". But weight loss surgery is a medical necessity for some and a hope of prevention for others. It can be truly life-saving. Not that you need to hear that, because you already know it. But he should probably hear it. It sounds like he might come around in the end, and I wish you both the best. I'm mostly writing this for others whose spouses may need some help understanding the medical nature of the procedure.

That's such a good point! Everyone's quick to point out how "horrible" and "extreme" it is to go through WLS, but somehow us being obese with a myriad of associated health disorders is perfectly fine. 🤨 It's so bizarre. In the end, I think it all has to do with insecurity and fear of change. With men in particular, I don't think they want us to become "too hot", or at least that's what I've read. Meanwhile, I'm like...can I just get rid of my sleep apnea, busted knees, aching back and high blood pressure, please? We can worry about being hot and all that stuff later. 😄

[You Are My Sunshine 85]

Goodness, gracious that's a lot to deal with, hon, I'm sorry.

I'm not dealing with divorce but I have other life stressors that I'm trying to learn to deal with. They aren't going to magically disappear anytime soon, and I'd like to have the surgery sooner than later. So I'm working with a psychologist and trying to find ways to cope that aren't bad for me. But it ain't easy. Hugs.