Preop and divorce

[chelsa 1]

My husband & I are separated/divorcing. Even thought this surgery is something that I have wanted to do for a long time, he isn't supportive. Anyone else dealing with divorce during pre/post op process? Did you talk it over with them? Did they get on board? Thanks!

Sent from my SM-N960U using BariatricPal mobile app

[kristieshannon 1,627]

So sorry you’re going through that. My husband got incredibly insecure, possessive, and frankly angry right after I had my plastic surgery despite all reassurances from me. It sucks. We’re now legally separated and have filed for divorce. Even so, I have zero regrets about my surgeries. I’m going to live a healthy, full of fun life with or without him. Best of luck to you as you move through the process!

[catwoman7 11,211]

sadly, it's not that uncommon. In some cases (not all, but some), there were issues in the relationship beforehand. A lot of people who lose a ton of weight become more self-confident, and I think they probably realize they don't have to put up with it anymore. In other cases, the non-weight-loss partner becomes jealous and possessive, like kristieshannon's. For whatever reason, relationships change, and sometimes end because of it.

mine actually got better - but it was pretty strong to begin with, and we've been together for decades. My husband never had a weight problem and was/is very active. I could never keep up with him when I weighed almost 400 lbs. Now, I can. If anything, it's made us closer.

so anyway, it varies - but divorce isn't all that uncommon after WLS.

[HealthyLifeStyle 351]

On 5/19/2021 at 2:28 PM, chelsa said:

My husband & I are separated/divorcing. Even thought this surgery is something that I have wanted to do for a long time, he isn't supportive. Anyone else dealing with divorce during pre/post op process? Did you talk it over with them? Did they get on board? Thanks!

Sent from my SM-N960U using BariatricPal mobile app

It sucks that some people just can't be supportive. I am close to being 9 months out, and my husband is extremely jealous and trying to be controlling of me especially now that the warm weather is here. He tried to tell me that I wasn't "allowed" to wear shorts. I just laughed and told him I will wear whatever I want. (I never wore them when I was heavy so now he is having a fit). Not that I am going to look like a stripper and wear super short ones, but he is still having a fit over it. I told him that if he doesn't like it, he can divorce me. When I said that, he kinda backed off a little. Now he just grunts at me when I get dressed for the day. Oh well!

[kristieshannon 1,627]

On 05/20/2021 at 17:43, HealthyLifeStyle said:

It sucks that some people just can't be supportive. I am close to being 9 months out, and my husband is extremely jealous and trying to be controlling of me especially now that the warm weather is here. He tried to tell me that I wasn't "allowed" to wear shorts. I just laughed and told him I will wear whatever I want. (I never wore them when I was heavy so now he is having a fit). Not that I am going to look like a stripper and wear super short ones, but he is still having a fit over it. I told him that if he doesn't like it, he can divorce me. When I said that, he kinda backed off a little. Now he just grunts at me when I get dressed for the day. Oh well!

Ugh. Mine started that too. He’d alternate between loving how I look and being super insecure about it.

[Officially Not Fatty Matty 461]

Not that I know any of your exact situations/dynamics but it sounds like they’re scared they’ll have to start putting in effort to keep you interested instead of assuming you were the one who had to put in the effort. It’s definitely not unheard of for a partner to find comfort in the thought “no one else will be interested so I’m good to do/say as I please…” (I’m not implying they were ever correct with that assumption (they were not)).

[kosmickarasu 4]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I went through this as well. I reached my breaking point in a 16 year relationship with a covert narcissistic. I was the one who asked for a divorce but it wasn't easy I still loved him it was just toxic and I needed support and to get healthy. A year later with surgery 3 days away I don't regret my decision even if I miss his dumb face sometimes I know I am stronger now.

[GummyBearQueen 115]

On 05/31/2021 at 22:26, kosmickarasu said:

I am so sorry you are going through this. I went through this as well. I reached my breaking point in a 16 year relationship with a covert narcissistic. I was the one who asked for a divorce but it wasn't easy I still loved him it was just toxic and I needed support and to get healthy. A year later with surgery 3 days away I don't regret my decision even if I miss his dumb face sometimes I know I am stronger now.

Good for you for choosing you!

[MandM1188 28]

So sorry about that.

Find people for support- loved ones, people in forums such as this one. I can be that for you. Message me, let's support 1 another.

DO NOT let anyone dim your light. Do what is best for you regardless of who is for or against it, PERIOD!!

[AjaSlimtone 34]

I'm not going through divorce, but my husband isn't supportive of my choice to get the sleeve either. We just don't talk about it since talking about it always leads to us going in circles about my choice to do it and his reasons for not liking it. That's why I'm here, to connect with people who "get it" and to not feel so alone while going through this journey. Hang in there. ❤️

[brightly 16]

Why is he against it AjaSlimtone?

[AjaSlimtone 34]

16 hours ago, brightly said:

Why is he against it AjaSlimtone?

He's against it for reasons that have nothing to do with me. Mostly, he says he can't fathom having only 20% of his stomach or not being able to eat as much as he wants, when he wants. He thinks it's extreme and that I "just need to diet and exercise more" (as if I haven't already killed my metabolism with every yo-yo diet/calorie counting/fad diet/exercise pill/gimmick you can think of over the last 15 years). Granted, he's thin, has been thin all his life, and is blessed with a lightning fast metabolism and excellent health. So of course he thinks it's extreme and doesn't get it. Plus, we go out to restaurants for "date night" once a week, which we both enjoy, and he thinks that's going to have to stop completely once I get VSG. Though restaurants will have to be put on hold during the recovery period, I told him we can still go to restaurants like we've always done. I'll just have to make different choices.

So yeah, those are his gripes. We have just agreed to disagree on the issue. He'll still support me as far as being there for me at the hospital and during the recovery period, but as far as all my pre-op stuff goes, I'm doing it on my own - I don't even ask him to come with me to appointments. Honestly, knowing how he feels, I kind of prefer it that way. Less stress. LOL

[brightly 16]

1 hour ago, AjaSlimtone said:

He's against it for reasons that have nothing to do with me. Mostly, he says he can't fathom having only 20% of his stomach or not being able to eat as much as he wants, when he wants. He thinks it's extreme and that I "just need to diet and exercise more" (as if I haven't already killed my metabolism with every yo-yo diet/calorie counting/fad diet/exercise pill/gimmick you can think of over the last 15 years). Granted, he's thin, has been thin all his life, and is blessed with a lightning fast metabolism and excellent health. So of course he thinks it's extreme and doesn't get it. Plus, we go out to restaurants for "date night" once a week, which we both enjoy, and he thinks that's going to have to stop completely once I get VSG. Though restaurants will have to be put on hold during the recovery period, I told him we can still go to restaurants like we've always done. I'll just have to make different choices.

So yeah, those are his gripes. We have just agreed to disagree on the issue. He'll still support me as far as being there for me at the hospital and during the recovery period, but as far as all my pre-op stuff goes, I'm doing it on my own - I don't even ask him to come with me to appointments. Honestly, knowing how he feels, I kind of prefer it that way. Less stress. LOL

Here are some articles that might help him understand the science, including the fact that it isn't fully understood yet and is multifactorial. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/unexpected-clues-emerge-about-why-diets-fail/
https://www.vox.com/science-and-health/2017/12/7/16587316/bariatric-surgery-weight-loss-lap-band ... let me know if you need more articles. There is the other thing : people in societal groups that are favored (dudes, thin people, youth, the wealthy, the physically well etc...without getting too far into the politics of this) don't have to see things from a non-favored person's perspective (women, overweight people, people over 40, poor people, the infirm, etc...) because they are the recipients of most of society's advantages. In short, they are not forced to understand the other side. We are forced to, so we end up seeing things from both perspectives—the dominat, favored one because it is forced in our faces every day and our own because it is our reality in the face of that. Thin/fit people who love us need to aspire to a true medical understanding of the issue. (it would be great if dudes would likewise attempt to form a more educated understanding of women's historical struggle but let's not get too ambitious) Granted, this seems difficult, even for some of our own physicians, but we must reach for it, or we will never see it realized. Thin people also have to understand that obesity is a medical issue that has causes that are genetic, metabolic, hormonal, environmental. So perhaps giving him some articles to read might help. If they don't-- his resistance is not really about that. Good luck with this and keep us posted. We are with you!

[ShoppGirl 4,781]

For anyone who has a spouse that is not on board, have you tried bringing them with you to your appointments. Perhaps meeting the surgeon and even the psychiatrist could help you talk to them to help them understand that this isn’t a decision you are jumping into lightly. What are they afraid of? For me, I feel like my marriage is getting even better but I was thin when my husband and I met and he has always been thin so I am more able to do all the things we used to do together but I didn’t enjoy as much recently because of the weight. I just hate to see any marriage end over a surgery. At least not without trying everything to help them understand how life is different for us when thin and heavier and all the ways weight impacts us. I just know that some people on here have posted that had concerned spouses and taking them to their appointments did help (others it did not but it could be worth a try).

okay now I read that some prefer not to bring them to their appointments. I missed that post earlier.

Edited July 16, 2021 by ShoppGirl

[ShoppGirl 4,781]

Another thing that might help is to watch you tube videos by dr wiener. He explains how the weight loss surgery is different than a diet and how our “set point” lowers after surgery making is more likely to lose it and to keep it off. Maybe you can show him parts of those videos to help explain why regular dieting doesn’t work once you get past a certain weight.