Discuss: childhood dieting & related trauma

[VSGJen 8]

Man, this brought up a lot for me. I grew up and had SnackWells in the pantry and SlimFast under the counter at all times. My mom was an 80s diet aficionado. Anything and everything that was diet was her life. I was slim after puberty, but was made fun of a lot as a kid for being overweight. After college, mental illness took its toll and so did some of the medication I was on- especially on my scale. I finally decided to get weight loss surgery last year after 10 years of trying to get rid of the extreme weight gain that had occurred on my meds. Before surgery it was a huge topic of conversation with my mom about diets and weight and what she was trying next. It was exhausting. I found a lot of grace and support from body positivity advocates and I really started drawing some hard boundaries with what I will and won't talk about with my mom. She still talks about her body negatively and I just either don't engage if I don't have the emotional fortitude, or I will counter with something positive if I can. I have learned over the last few years that you can love your body and still work on things that you want to change. All the things muala94 mentioned, mobility, stamina, feeling freer and not necessarily getting that sense of freedom from food are things that I was looking for, but I really wanted to stop hating my body for doing nothing more than existing in the way that it did.

During the pandemic it felt safe to pursue this surgery because I didn't have to tell anyone. I didn't have to explain myself or say what happened or have all of these conversations about someone's opinion of my body- positive or negative. I could just do the work and figure it out for myself. I dread some of my family mentioning it in the future. I don't want to be congratulated for what they saw was a deficiency. I don't see my body that way. I don't want to have people tell me that they feel better about what my body looks like now, because it is still mine and I feel protective over what it was when it was bigger. What I am trying to get at it, I really get the feeling when you say that you don't want to hear any more spewing of derision from people about a body that deserved to be loved then and now.

Boundaries really helped me. It takes time. My mother is very stubborn and I have been pushing against her 'helpful' commentary my whole life. I imagine it will be that was forever. But what worked for me was telling her very bluntly that she can help in the way she is asked. She can support me, ask me how I am feeling, go for walks, or we can just sit enjoy each others company. Unsolicited advice isn't welcome. I will no longer have conversations about my weight or food or the morality of a Snickers.

It isn't an easy process especially when some parents see independence or boundaries as an insult or as a jab at their control as parental figures. I hope your therapist can help you navigate the process, and hopefully if your family is open to working through this with you so you can all get to a better place together. Oh, and if you watch Shrill, I found a lot of Aidy Bryant's character dealing with her mom about food and weight a really good example of trying to have these tough conversations.

[james2021 160]

14 hours ago, VSGJen said:

Oh, and if you watch Shrill, I found a lot of Aidy Bryant's character dealing with her mom about food and weight a really good example of trying to have these tough conversations.

Congratulations on all you have accomplished. ❤️ And thanks for the idea -- Shrill is one of those shows I started but never finished! Will move it up higher on the list.

[WanderingHeart 141]

15 hours ago, VSGJen said:

I have learned over the last few years that you can love your body and still work on things that you want to change.

I completely agree with this. In fact, I believe that sustained change can only come from a place of love and approval.

When we try to change from a place of self hate, there’s a place inside of us that doesn’t want to change - it wants to rebel. So we fight ourselves.
Before my surgery, I wrote a list of gratitudes for my strong, resilient, responsive body.

[You Are My Sunshine 85]

On 5/10/2021 at 12:10 PM, BigSue said:

I think my parents did a lot of damage to my relationship with food and eating when I was a kid. I know they didn't mean to. They meant well -- they just wanted the best for me, and they knew that being fat would be a hard life, so they tried to stop me from being fat, but unfortunately, most of what they did was totally counterproductive.

I don't think my parents (mom, actually) meant any harm, either. But she put me on my first diet in 2nd grade. I remember it. I remember having a different snack than every other kid in my class.

I remember the Fiber pills, then some other program I went on. I think I wanted it, too, honestly. Like I wanted to be like the other kids. My mom made a lot of my clothing. I didn't feel like I was the biggest of all my friends but I was. So it's weird. My mom never made me feel fat or inferior. So somehow she juggled things well, in a way. It wasn't until we had school-assigned clothing and I couldn't fit into the biggest size (while the other 2 "fat" girls in my class could) that I realized I was THE BIGGEST ONE.

I still am, lots of times. My husband doesn't even know I weigh more than him. He doesn't get it.

[Myran 19]

My weight has always been a huge issue for my mom who is highly looks-oriented. As a child I was the only overweight person in my family – I would gain weight during summer vacations with my grandparents and when I came home my mom put me on a diet. This resulted in me yo-yo dieting since the age of 6. I've had huge fights over the years with my mom about my weight and in my teenage years her pressuring resulted in me becoming bulimic. Her attitude is also the reason I've decided not to talk about my WLS plans with her at all.

[blackcatsandbaddecisions 851]

Myran I think you’re making the right choice. I know that even if my parents were able to understand things like this surgery at this point I’d never discuss it with them. Unfortunately people who were a negative influence on your weight and eating habits as a child would often be the same people who would be a negative influence on this weight loss journey as well. You’d think they’d be happy we were “fixing the problem” (tongue in cheek- us existing as overweight people shouldn’t be viewed as a problem in their lives but we all know that’s how some parents view it) but in reality the same negative behaviors and attitudes would just come out again.

[SM16 10]

Wow. I relate to this on so many levels. The starting weight watchers at such a young age... I thought I was the only one. I remember one summer in middle school my grandmother told me I didn’t need to be involved in extracurriculars at school so I could have time to focus on my waistline. Every diet that was available, I did it. I remember my mother making me read diet books like faith and fat loss and south beach diet along with so many others. Not even going all the way into the time she was convinced I was insulin resistant and I didn’t eat bread most of high school because I thought it would make me diabetic lol. Oh and I can’t forget about the year that I drank grapefruit juice or ate a grapefruit before every meal because that was going to ‘kick start’ my slow metabolism. I grew up hating my body because my mom would call herself fat and other derogatory terms and it definitely wore off on me. She still does this to this day. She asks me pretty much every time she sees me what size I wear and how much I weigh. It messes with my mind on a daily basis. It’s such a triggering thing for someone to do and I try daily to change the way she taught me to think about my body.

With all that said, I decided on the surgery for me and me alone. I don’t regret it at all and would do it a million times over again. But, with toxicity like this you should start preparing yourself to deal with that trauma. I honestly didn’t think I had issues with it until about a year after my surgery. Lol I never realized I never told my husband about any of it (I would joke about it in passing but never told him the extent of it) and one day my mom triggered me so bad I went on a tangent about it. He ended up in tears because he could never imagine going through that mentally. I suggest finding a counselor or therapist ASAP. The body dysmorphia hits hard and has to be felt with or it will destroy your tool. My issues are mine but I’m sure everyone with that much mental trauma will have some along the way. I started seeing a counselor and it helped a lot to be able to talk about how not normal that was. I have to work extremely hard every day to have a better relationship with food and am still learning how to love my body.

This was rambly and probably unhelpful. I really appreciate you sharing your story. It’s really nice to know I wasn’t the only one that went through something similar. I hope that your journey goes well and you find a way to deal with your parents.

[Jaelzion 1,127]

My childhood experience was similar. My Dad despised fat people and was very vocal about it. He made a kind of "mental exception" for me because he loved me, but of course, I applied every disdainful thing he said about fat people to myself. My mom was thin and obsessed about staying that way. She was always suggesting diets or strategies for me to lose weight. It was very hard growing up in that household and retaining any kind of self-esteem or confidence. I think my shopping habit dates back to my upbringing - my parents loved to dress really nicely but because I was big, I was always kind of dumpy by comparison. My parents were not bad people, but they were flawed, broken human beings. In my Dad's case, his mother was physically abusive and she was heavy-set. I'm guessing his disdain of fat people started right then. My Mom's mother abandoned her and SHE was heavy-set. So as I got older and understood some of the roots of their attitudes, I forgave them and healed somewhat from all the childhood trauma. Ironically, they both passed away before my surgery, so they never saw me thin. They'd be ecstatic, LOL.

[HealthyLifeStyle 351]

My mother was always a Yo-Yo dieter and still is at 74. Sometimes it was 25-30 lbs. and others 80-100 lbs.

I was chubby as a kid and my mom was always trying to put me on a diet. I remember she made me make a chart in a notebook to track my calories when I was only 12 yrs. old. She would look it over every day to make sure I was doing it correctly. I was sneaking Snacks at school, and after school I would go to the convenience store which was the bus stop for snacks like chips, Cookies, and candy bars. Oh how I loved junk food.

She couldn't understand why I wasn't losing weight, instead gaining. I had to weigh in once a week and write it in the notebook. If I didn't lose that week, she would ground me. For punishment she would make me exercise. Then she would take away food from my meals, making me eat fewer calories.

My sister who was skinny would call me fatso, and other not so nice names, and my mom wouldn't do anything about it. My grandfather (mothers father) was relentless and always talked about my weight my entire life. He would always say that it "looked like I put on a few pounds". He did the same to my mom. He finally stopped doing it when I was in my 30's and confronted him about it. I told him that I didn't want to hear his comments about my weight and it was none of his business. He apologized and told me he didn't realize it bothered me so much and he was only joking. Yeah OK.

I was also made fun of in school and high school and was not one of the popular girls because of my weight issues. I struggled very hard with this. I didn't have a boyfriend like the other girls because I was too fat. The kids would put "kick me" signs on my back and as I walked down the hallway between classes I would get kicked and if I fell down they would all laugh at me as I tried to pick up my books. It was traumatizing. When I would go home crying to my mom, she would tell me that I have to lose weight if I wanted to "fit in".

I could go on and on about my not so nice childhood with weight issues. I will stop here because it is getting too emotional for me. I am 51 yrs. old and still have flashbacks of my younger days. It is very depressing.

All I can say is that it sucks to grow up thinking that I was never good enough. It has followed me into my adult life. I am working on it along with other stuff. Even though I have lost weight. I still can hear the rude comments in my head. I don't think it will ever go away.

[ruthpets 79]

Wow. This is such a wonderful, powerful post. So much of this and the responses speaks VOLUMES to me. Many thanks to all of you. Seriously❤️

[JonahB 5]

When I saw the original post I actually got excited. I know that sounds strange but I had found a lot of other people who had been put on diets before adolescence.
(A bit of background, I’m a trans guy so I was raised female, with all the body image baggage that comes with that gender. Though I am very much aware that boys get body image pressure too, I understand by personal experience what it’s like growing up as a girl in our society.)
I was 5 years old for my first diet. My mom got the diet from my pediatrician! I wasn’t obese. I was a little chubby but active and healthy. I look at pictures of me then and I look like a normal kid with a face full of freckles and round, pink cheeks. My mom had this terrible fear of me not being popular or well-liked. I am naturally an extreme introvert and, honestly, more than a little weird. I couldn’t care less about being popular. I was perfectly happy to be left mostly alone.
From kindergarten on I was put on diet after diet. I would yo-yo up and down the scale, always becoming more and more overweight with each diet. I developed eating disorders (surprise) that eventually just landed me with binge eating disorder by my early 20’s. I had a few years of homelessness and food insecurity in my 20’s that just made my emotional attachment to food more intense. By my 30’s I was solidly obese. By my early 40’s I had hit a top weight of 408lb at a height of 5’ 4.5”. So, now at 46, I am dangerously morbidly obese. I look back to that chubby little 5 year old and can’t help but wonder, if they had just left me alone would I have still ended up obese?
Well, I’m currently down to 340lb and my gastric bypass is scheduled for July 9th. What happened to me in as a child was wrong but there is nothing I can do about it now. I have to focus on my future. A future that, with a lot of hard work and some luck, will be healthier than my past.
Have a great week everyone!