Living Rent Free

[Jaelzion 1,127]

Just now, The Greater Fool said:

And where exactly is anyone dismissing this event with "boys will be boys," as you claimed? No one in that article, or in general (aside from disreputable sorts) is excusing what this man did. Not because he "had a bad day." Not because "boys will be boys." This is the claim I took exception to.

But, again, I agreed with what I believed your intended claim is. That the same actions by men and women are viewed differently. By both men and women.

I am not the person you were debating with. I just added this because you seemed not to be familiar with the quote she was referencing. And I do find this law enforcement officer's language ("fed up", "at the end of his rope" and "a really bad day") to be minimizing and dismissive of what Robert Long did. Whether that's because he's male is up for debate, but I do find the tone to be excusing.

[The Greater Fool 2,024]

59 minutes ago, Jaelzion said:

I am not the person you were debating with. I just added this because you seemed not to be familiar with the quote she was referencing. And I do find this law enforcement officer's language ("fed up", "at the end of his rope" and "a really bad day") to be minimizing and dismissive of what Robert Long did. Whether that's because he's male is up for debate, but I do find the tone to be excusing.

First, my apologies for confusing you with another poster. Good thing I didn't call you names .

Another message board I participate in spent a lot of time on this case so I am familiar. My mind actually went to this case when "bad day" and killing were mixed. This case has it all: sex workers, race, killing, stupid spokesman.

The "excusing tone" the sheriff spokesman used was unacceptable and he was removed from the case because of it. If the point is "men are treated differently" this is an exceptionally poor example since the male killer will be going to prison and the male sheriff was punished because of his tone.

If no one had challenged the tone then it would perhaps be a fine example. As it is, not so much.

Edited April 4, 2021 by The Greater Fool

[BayougirlMrsS 3,934]

@alissajs Ok, so if i'm reading this correctly, you have been married for just over a year. Is that correct? And if I read between the lines, he did something besides this that is already put your marriage on alert..... Is this correct?

Coming from my POV.... I can see where it could be hurtful what he said. But, like a few have said, women don't have the same POV as men in certain situations. "Most" men can get over things more quickly..... I bet he didn't even realize what he said (not excusing it)..... I, like you, would be going over it in my head again and again. I have a husband now that easily picks up on my feeling (normally written all over my face). My x did not. But he really didn't care either. He was/still is a very self-centered controlling man. If you continue to "let it go".... next thing you know... You will have years of resentment..... till you are planning your husband's death in your head while you lay next to him in bed..... Just saying it could happen.

From experience, this will fester like a boil on a butt..... Eventually, you are going to have to pop it and let the healing begin. It will either go away or take over your entire a$$. If you guys can't handle this, please don't have any kids.... at least not till you had years of therapy....Imagine all the problems you have now x1000000000000..... and now you have another human involved.

[kikijay 13]

On 04/03/2021 at 10:23, alissajs said:

My dad always told me that when you cant stop dwelling on what people say about you, you are letting them live rent free in your head. Well...there was a comment made on Sunday that I cant seem to evict!

My husband and I were visiting my inlaws in another state. We attended the church where my FIL is a preacher. We always attend church with them when we visit. Last visit we made was 2 weeks post op, so I had not lost really anything at that point. This was the first time the people at the church have seen me since my extreme weight loss. A lot of people made comments about how great I looked, and that didnt bother me at all. However, two ladies came up to my husband and I, told me I looked so good, then they turned to my husband and said, "looks like you really made out on that deal!" My husband laughed and said, "Yeah my investment really paid off!" For background, we got married two months before my surgery.

I tried to laugh it off in the moment, but I really had to bite back tears. I have never felt that my husband looked at me any differently at 284 or 140. He himself has said that he only saw me, never my weight. He says he loves me regardless.

Both comments, from the lady AND my husband's reply has been on repeat in my head all week. Who finds that comment appropriate to say to anyone?? I was a catch at my HW and I am no more or less of a catch at my CW. He didnt marry me hoping I would lose weight and look better physically, at least I would certainly HOPE not, seeing as he is overweight himself.

It was inappropriate and hurtful. Normally, I would address my husbands comment with him in private. However, our marriage has been rough (to say the least) lately and I didnt want to start an argument. I know he will tell me that it was a joke, I am being too sensitive and overthinking it. Which...maybe I am but that doesnt make the comments hurt less.

I dont know...I guess i just needed to vent to people that would understand!

So this may have just been a quick reaction that he meant no harm by, but he does need to know how it made you feel in that moment. Marriages should have a safe space to discuss these kinds of feelings without an argument erupting and I’m sorry if you don’t currently have that. You mentioned that he expects you to defend him at all costs and you deserve the same! If he has his own insecurities, he needs to work on that and not let them steal your shine.

[blackcatsandbaddecisions 851]

So my marriage is a lot shorter than some here (15 years) but in my experience trying to avoid an argument only works when the thing you are ignoring is kinda petty and you’re overreacting. Like, it vaguely pisses me off that my husband keeps moving the damn bath mat, and that he wears his dirty work shoes on the carpet. But I let it go because at the end of the day, it’s not that big of a deal. If he said something about me in front of someone else that I felt was inappropriate? Oh, he’d be hearing it. But I tend to be a pretty assertive person in general, both before and after weight loss.

OP, I applaud you for fighting for your marriage. I recommend however that you fight for a marriage that will make you happy and will work long term. You can’t fight for a marriage that involves you hiding all your feelings and feeling uncomfortable with the person you are sharing your life with.

My husband has definitely called me on some shit I’ve said over the years. Did I always agree that he should feel the way he did? No, but it’s not about me agreeing with his feelings, it’s me acknowledging that he does feel that way and me deciding to not do that again because I love him and I don’t want to make him unhappy.

[Apple 22 0]

On 4/3/2021 at 10:52 AM, alissajs said:

He is actually very good friends with these ladies, he used to live there, but I understand what you are saying about him not wanting to be confrontational. It just sucks when he expects me to defend him at all costs when the situation is reversed...which has happened.

Don't be so sensitive. He married you before the surgery. To much real drama happening in the world to internalize such a comment from hubby. Live and let live. Don't look for a fight over nothing. Unless your ready to kick him out.

[alissajs 230]

On 4/5/2021 at 11:26 AM, BayougirlMrsS said:

@alissajs Ok, so if i'm reading this correctly, you have been married for just over a year. Is that correct? And if I read between the lines, he did something besides this that is already put your marriage on alert..... Is this correct?

Coming from my POV.... I can see where it could be hurtful what he said. But, like a few have said, women don't have the same POV as men in certain situations. "Most" men can get over things more quickly..... I bet he didn't even realize what he said (not excusing it)..... I, like you, would be going over it in my head again and again. I have a husband now that easily picks up on my feeling (normally written all over my face). My x did not. But he really didn't care either. He was/still is a very self-centered controlling man. If you continue to "let it go".... next thing you know... You will have years of resentment..... till you are planning your husband's death in your head while you lay next to him in bed..... Just saying it could happen.

From experience, this will fester like a boil on a butt..... Eventually, you are going to have to pop it and let the healing begin. It will either go away or take over your entire a$$. If you guys can't handle this, please don't have any kids.... at least not till you had years of therapy....Imagine all the problems you have now x1000000000000..... and now you have another human involved.

I have three children from a previous marriage 😂 A little late for that.

Yes there have been major issues caused by my husbands actions, but it is something we have both chosen to work through. I love this man dearly and while his actions were hurtful, I couldnt NOT (ugh double negative) fight for our marriage because it is truly what I want. Obviously this thread only shows a negative aspect of our relationship, but there is a lot of good in our relationship as well. Otherwise, I wouldnt fight so hard for it.

As for an update, I did bring up the comment in counseling. As well as addressed me being able to come to him with any feelings I might have without him getting defensive.

He listened and apologized profusely for the comment. When he heard it from my POV, he totally got how that would hurt me.

As for those telling me to stop being so sensitive and just get over it, I am happy that you might be able to do that. However, I am allowed to feel however I feel (whether you think that is right, wrong or indifferent) and you dont know the background I come from...just as I dont know your background. Something that hurts you might not hurt me, and vice versa. Thankfully we all have our place in this world. I'm ok with being sensitive at times. Its not always a bad thing

[HeatherE 201]

39 minutes ago, alissajs said:

I have three children from a previous marriage 😂 A little late for that.

Yes there have been major issues caused by my husbands actions, but it is something we have both chosen to work through. I love this man dearly and while his actions were hurtful, I couldnt NOT (ugh double negative) fight for our marriage because it is truly what I want. Obviously this thread only shows a negative aspect of our relationship, but there is a lot of good in our relationship as well. Otherwise, I wouldnt fight so hard for it.

As for an update, I did bring up the comment in counseling. As well as addressed me being able to come to him with any feelings I might have without him getting defensive.

He listened and apologized profusely for the comment. When he heard it from my POV, he totally got how that would hurt me.

As for those telling me to stop being so sensitive and just get over it, I am happy that you might be able to do that. However, I am allowed to feel however I feel (whether you think that is right, wrong or indifferent) and you dont know the background I come from...just as I dont know your background. Something that hurts you might not hurt me, and vice versa. Thankfully we all have our place in this world. I'm ok with being sensitive at times. Its not always a bad thing

So glad you brought it up at counseling. Sounds like you got a fantastic response from your husband. Very happy for you.

[Neci_RNY 0]

On 4/3/2021 at 9:23 AM, alissajs said:

My dad always told me that when you cant stop dwelling on what people say about you, you are letting them live rent free in your head. Well...there was a comment made on Sunday that I cant seem to evict!

My husband and I were visiting my inlaws in another state. We attended the church where my FIL is a preacher. We always attend church with them when we visit. Last visit we made was 2 weeks post op, so I had not lost really anything at that point. This was the first time the people at the church have seen me since my extreme weight loss. A lot of people made comments about how great I looked, and that didnt bother me at all. However, two ladies came up to my husband and I, told me I looked so good, then they turned to my husband and said, "looks like you really made out on that deal!" My husband laughed and said, "Yeah my investment really paid off!" For background, we got married two months before my surgery.

I tried to laugh it off in the moment, but I really had to bite back tears. I have never felt that my husband looked at me any differently at 284 or 140. He himself has said that he only saw me, never my weight. He says he loves me regardless.

Both comments, from the lady AND my husband's reply has been on repeat in my head all week. Who finds that comment appropriate to say to anyone?? I was a catch at my HW and I am no more or less of a catch at my CW. He didnt marry me hoping I would lose weight and look better physically, at least I would certainly HOPE not, seeing as he is overweight himself.

It was inappropriate and hurtful. Normally, I would address my husbands comment with him in private. However, our marriage has been rough (to say the least) lately and I didnt want to start an argument. I know he will tell me that it was a joke, I am being too sensitive and overthinking it. Which...maybe I am but that doesnt make the comments hurt less.

I dont know...I guess i just needed to vent to people that would understand!

Based on what you're telling us here and some of your responses in the comments, I hope y'all decide to seek counseling. Being weary of expressing to your partner how their actions made you feel is not a healthy place to be in a relationship. It only breeds resentment which will just create an even further wedge between you all.

You're not wrong or overly sensitive for feeling how feel. However, not talking to your husband and understanding his intentions will leave you battling with your own conclusions. I really hope y'all can work it out.

Personally, I don't think he meant anything by it even though I do agree that the comment was off putting.

[BayougirlMrsS 3,934]

@alissajs....So glad your brought it up in counseling... and that he went with you. That is huge.

as for....this...
As for those telling me to stop being so sensitive and just get over it, I am happy that you might be able to do that. However, I am allowed to feel however I feel (whether you think that is right, wrong or indifferent) and you dont know the background I come from...just as I dont know your background. Something that hurts you might not hurt me, and vice versa. Thankfully we all have our place in this world. I'm ok with being sensitive at times. Its not always a bad thing

I, like you, am sensitive and could not just get over it either.... I play crap over and over in my head. You did the right thing bring it up and the only place to go it up.... Maybe make a safe spot in your home where the two of you can come together and talk about you and your feelings... and him and his feelings. He is going through changes with you. But you can't keep it bottled up.

[SunnyinSC 137]

So happy you brought it up in counseling and that the reaction was well! Communication is so important in healthy relationships. Everyone is different and we all have different things that eat away at us if not addressed, it does not mean it's an overreaction just cause it wouldn't get on someone else's nerves. Likewise, I don't believe partners should dismiss their partner's feelings just because it's not something that would upset them. It's fantastic that you were able to bring this up and see that he didn't have a bad reaction, and I hope that gives you some confidence to do the same if something similar happens again.

[Betty1971 386]

I have found that the more weight we get rid of the more feelings that surface. Feelings that were buried deep beneath the layers of fat come to the surface and sometimes the slightest thing can scratch the nerve!

I try not to let things build up so that he knows what particular thing pissed me off, he never has to guess!!!

[BootzNbacardi 12]

My dad always told me that when you cant stop dwelling on what people say about you, you are letting them live rent free in your head. Well...there was a comment made on Sunday that I cant seem to evict!
My husband and I were visiting my inlaws in another state. We attended the church where my FIL is a preacher. We always attend church with them when we visit. Last visit we made was 2 weeks post op, so I had not lost really anything at that point. This was the first time the people at the church have seen me since my extreme weight loss. A lot of people made comments about how great I looked, and that didnt bother me at all. However, two ladies came up to my husband and I, told me I looked so good, then they turned to my husband and said, "looks like you really made out on that deal!" My husband laughed and said, "Yeah my investment really paid off!" For background, we got married two months before my surgery.
I tried to laugh it off in the moment, but I really had to bite back tears. I have never felt that my husband looked at me any differently at 284 or 140. He himself has said that he only saw me, never my weight. He says he loves me regardless.
Both comments, from the lady AND my husband's reply has been on repeat in my head all week. Who finds that comment appropriate to say to anyone?? I was a catch at my HW and I am no more or less of a catch at my CW. He didnt marry me hoping I would lose weight and look better physically, at least I would certainly HOPE not, seeing as he is overweight himself.
It was inappropriate and hurtful. Normally, I would address my husbands comment with him in private. However, our marriage has been rough (to say the least) lately and I didnt want to start an argument. I know he will tell me that it was a joke, I am being too sensitive and overthinking it. Which...maybe I am but that doesnt make the comments hurt less.
I dont know...I guess i just needed to vent to people that would understand!

Girl.....hes still ur man, he loves u and loved u when u were extra curvy til now....but men also like what they see too, it's pretty basic. My man called me fat in a arguement once (I said a few low blows too) and I cried bc he was mean, the scale said 285 (ummm yeah! Lol I'm fat!) Men say and do stupid **** all the time (so do we) but if it bothers u that much, talk to him! He may have not even thought in depth about the comment and was just appreciating how hot u are now [emoji91] good luck girly [emoji177]

Sent from my SM-G975U using BariatricPal mobile app

[tandrews 3]

My husband has made the comment before that he is afraid I will leave him when I lose weight. We’ve been married for almost 22 years. He is my best friend. I would never do that heavy or not. I had to remind him of that the other day as my surgery is in a week. He might be in the same boat. Just a thought.

[1000islandgirl 61]

At any given moment in time people are going through their own stuff right? You have your issues, problems and bias and so does every other person on the planet. How you choose to respond is the only thing you can control. I've heard the saying "don't let people live rent free in your head" from OA (Overeater's Anonymous) meetings I've been to and by a friend I have who attends AA meetings and is a recovering alcoholic. That saying implies that you should "do" something if you have something that is playing on your mind. The thing you decide to do can be anything from writing about your feelings on the matter, working on letting it go, or talking to the person about the situation. Perhaps what you did here ...telling us the situation is all you need to do. You got it out of your head and onto paper (so to speak). Sometimes the "action" we should take is only with ourselves. If you feel this will cause conflict that you don't want to deal with at this time, for whatever reason, it is ok to no act or react to it.