Living Rent Free

[Tim C 336]

Just now, lizonaplane said:

Science is NOT "the first thing that pops up on google". Plus there is always more variation across people in one gender than there is between males and females. I have studied statistics extensively and have worked in research methodology. I work in clinical trials now.

Also, one woman that you live with is not a statistically relevant sample size.

How about several women over 40 years including my saintly mother, sisters, daughters, female business owners I work with and other lady friends that I shacked with when younger? I didn't look for science...just men's emotions vs women's emotions. Pretty simple.

[lizonaplane 1,613]

Just now, Tim C said:

How about several women over 40 years including my saintly mother, sisters, daughters, female business owners I work with and other lady friends that I shacked with when younger? I didn't look for science...just men's emotions vs women's emotions. Pretty simple.

A statistically significant sample size would include 10s of thousands of women, and not just women you know, who are not likely to be a representative sample of all women worldwide. Sorry. And when you make a scientific claim, that men's emotions are inherently different than women's emotions, you'd better believe I'm going to bring the fact that the "data" in this area is pure junk.

[Tim C 336]

1 minute ago, lizonaplane said:

A statistically significant sample size would include 10s of thousands of women, and not just women you know, who are not likely to be a representative sample of all women worldwide. Sorry. And when you make a scientific claim, that men's emotions are inherently different than women's emotions, you'd better believe I'm going to bring the fact that the "data" in this area is pure junk.

LOL...OK

[The Greater Fool 2,039]

22 minutes ago, lizonaplane said:

I find this offensive and not at all true. We have trained men in this country to be dismissive of women and to treat them as though they are overly emotional. What about a man who "has a bad day" and shoots a whole bunch of people? Or gets drunk and beats his wife and kids? Is that not overly emotional? It's more that men's emotions are considered acceptable and "boys will be boys" whereas women who show emotions are considered "hysterical" and need to be controlled.

I'm sorry but I've never heard of a man shooting a bunch of people, or beating his wife and kids dismissed with "boys will be boys." Except in certain religious circles family abuse is hidden because it's in no way acceptable. I believe you over stated your case.

But I agree more generally with your premise (and oddly, @TimC's), that men and women generally respond to and are treated differently for the same actions. By both men and women. While there will be changes as society changes, I believe it will always be a part of the human condition.

Observing that men and women are one way or another statistically may true in the general but useless when applied to the specific. That's how statistics work.

Tek

[WanderingHeart 141]

Ok back to OP, I just want to reiterate that you cannot control your feelings, and that whatever you feel is totally okay. You don’t need me or anyone else on this board to validate your experience. It’s yours. You have the agency to decide how to respond.

Based on my experience, i try to address the underlying issue from a place of “me and you vs. the problem” or “me vs. you”

Again, I highly recommend Kasia Urbaniak. Her work is life changing and she offers online classes. Plus it’s fun!! She just published a book. She teaches “power” but it’s not power over someone, it’s transformational magical collaborative power!

[SunnyinSC 137]

I think that in a relationship with good communication, you should be able to voice that a statement or response bothered you without the other person in the relationship immediately going on the defensive and taking offense/turning it into an argument. Based on what you've stated in a few posts, it sounds like you and your husband may benefit from counseling. Women and men both have feelings, and you deserve to be in a relationship where you each can feel heard and understood without fear of retribution. Disagreements are expected, but it's really important to be able to talk through them. Perhaps he did mean it as a joke, but if the joke hurt you, then it's good for him to know so he doesn't continue to do it unintentionally in the future (which will absolutely build resentment).

[HeatherE 202]

I agree the comment was inappropriate but I’m guessing your husband didn’t know how how to respond in the moment. I also agree with Tek’s comments above. Your husband may be feeling insecure.

You may want to consider writing a letter to your husband. It will give you a chance to clear the air, but give your husband time to digest what you are saying and feeling without feeling confronted and getting defensive.

I’m also a big fan of relationship counseling, even when there’s no issues. It gives you time to talk about things, oftentimes before they become an issue. With the changes we have post bariatric surgery, it could benefit your relationship to be able to discuss these things with a counselor. It makes your marriage stronger in the long run rather than waiting until things are really not good. A relationship counselor can teach you both ways to communicate that will benefit your marriage in the long term.

[MaybeMeow2 52]

Hm... Well, my two cents... I am very happily married to a GEM of a man who has put his foot in his mouth far worse than that without a CLUE that what he said was hurtful. So, you might cut hubs some slack in that regard. HOWEVER... I can't get past the info you've shared... marriage "rough" after one year? Plus your significant life-changing weight loss... plus afraid to discuss a comment that hurt your feelings with your husband for fear of an argument? Me-thinks this is about something bigger than the comment (that while perhaps was insensitive just sounds like he was trying to come up with a spontaneous, clever response). Maybe it's time to start visualizing what life looks like without him. Sending you strength.

[meathead 5]

First, I love that your husband was attracted to you plus a hundred pounds. I admire and respect that. It tells me you are much more than a piece of meat to him, that he values you for who you really are. Many guys I know don't spend a lot of time looking under the surface (me, included). Very likely at 140 lbs. you are a bombshell and they weren't kidding when they said he got a nice return on his investment. He got a beautiful woman on the outside as well as the inside. They weren't being critical; just the opposite. They were in awe. They were amazed how good you look. That's how I would have meant those words had I said them.

[Lahela 84]

17 hours ago, alissajs said:

I would LOVE to be able to express my feelings and it just be a conversation. Unfortunately, based on experience he doesnt like any time I disagree with his actions and he will make it in to an argument.

This is coming from 21 years in a relationship. You have to speak your truth regardless of a fight or disagreement. You can not live your life scared to rock the boat that you are rowing. It is your marriage too and he doesnt get to say "dont disagree with me". Marriage is work, it is not going to be easy all the time. As long as you are safe speaking your truth speak it. If you are not safe speaking your truth, it maybe time to find a safe space for you to be and that maybe not woth your husband.

If it is on your mind, tell him and ask him to think of another response because he is going to get those kinds of comments. Good luck and know your feelings are worth being heard.

[Kukubari 16]

There is a lot of potential commentary on society to be had here. Mostly how we treat weight, genders, and emotions.

OP, those women were horribly inappropriate to say that stuff. Your husband, regardless of intent, could have said almost anything other than what he said and not come across how he did. I know that I would not want to be referred to as an investment. That’s what real estate is for. As for some of the responses, people are entitled to their opinions but, let’s be serious for a moment. Men and women feel just as strongly and deeply about things, even if there is a stereotype for women showing it more. Feelings are important. I personally don’t believe in the overemotional or oversensitive argument because it’s often used as an excuse to discredit the validity of real issues with interpersonal relations.

OP, what you felt from the situation is valid, real, and it’s horrible that it the situation happened. I agree with some of the responses though. I would communicate about it to your husband if it’s bothering you that much. Don’t let it fester and become a wound. It’s ultimately up to you. I’m not married and never have been. So I may be naive. But I do know that all relations with others are built on communication and honest.

Edited April 4, 2021 by Kukubari

[Kukubari 16]

Oh yeah I forgot to mention, but my surgeon asked if I was in a relationship when I was going through the mental health check list for the insurance. I told him no and asked why. He told me that relationships, after bariatric surgery, can change. This is due to the fact that a lot of successful patients gain confidence, self worth goes up, and there is more assertiveness. In essence, the you after surgery is going to be a different person. Yes, your still you, but you’re going to be a dramatically different place in life. This can lead the souse to feel jealousy, insecurity, or even a sense of lost control. This doesn’t always happen, but it’s common enough that it’s actually being studied more thoroughly right as we speak.

Minds can be weird and people are... people.

[Tim C 336]

6 hours ago, meathead said:

First, I love that your husband was attracted to you plus a hundred pounds. I admire and respect that. It tells me you are much more than a piece of meat to him, that he values you for who you really are. Many guys I know don't spend a lot of time looking under the surface (me, included). Very likely at 140 lbs. you are a bombshell and they weren't kidding when they said he got a nice return on his investment. He got a beautiful woman on the outside as well as the inside. They weren't being critical; just the opposite. They were in awe. They were amazed how good you look. That's how I would have meant those words had I said them.

Yes! Same here.

[Jaelzion 1,127]

22 hours ago, The Greater Fool said:

I'm sorry but I've never heard of a man shooting a bunch of people, or beating his wife and kids dismissed with "boys will be boys." Except in certain religious circles family abuse is hidden because it's in no way acceptable. I believe you over stated your case.

But I agree more generally with your premise (and oddly, @TimC's), that men and women generally respond to and are treated differently for the same actions. By both men and women. While there will be changes as society changes, I believe it will always be a part of the human condition.

Observing that men and women are one way or another statistically may true in the general but useless when applied to the specific. That's how statistics work.

Tek

Just clarifying where the "having a bad day" comment came from:

"“He was pretty much fed up and kind of at the end of his rope. Yesterday was a really bad day for him and this is what he did,” Cherokee County Sheriff’s Office Capt. Jay Baker said Wednesday. He was describing the 21-year-old man accused of killing eight people, mostly Asian and almost all women, in a rampage across three Atlanta-area spas."

https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2021/03/17/jay-baker-bad-day/

[The Greater Fool 2,039]

22 minutes ago, Jaelzion said:

Just clarifying where the "having a bad day" comment came from:

"“He was pretty much fed up and kind of at the end of his rope. Yesterday was a really bad day for him and this is what he did,” Cherokee County Sheriff’s Office Capt. Jay Baker said Wednesday. He was describing the 21-year-old man accused of killing eight people, mostly Asian and almost all women, in a rampage across three Atlanta-area spas."

https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2021/03/17/jay-baker-bad-day/

And where exactly is anyone dismissing this event with "boys will be boys," as you claimed? No one in that article, or in general (aside from disreputable sorts) is excusing what this man did. Not because he "had a bad day." Not because "boys will be boys." This is the claim I took exception to.

But, again, I agreed with what I believed your intended claim is. That the same actions by men and women are viewed differently. By both men and women.