Getting Sleeve and Spouse/Family support

[Ruddigore 2]

Greetings everyone. I have had a long journey, I've been overweight and obese most of my life. I was 6ft1 and over 300lbs in my late teens and successfully dropped down into the 190's. Eventually I got older, got married and started working night shifts...here I am again! No health issues, but I want it to stay that way, the funny thing is, I look down and move around and still feel that I'm thin, opposite of most, pictures tell another story, haha! I joined a paid, doctor lead weight loss program in 2019 that went alright, I didn't lose much though and easily gained it back. One of the recommendations coming out of that was surgery. Where I live there is a long process for that (but it is funded). Most people only are covered for bypass though, including me.

Long story short I decided to go with the Sleeve out of my own pocket. I can afford it and the bypass seemed a little too extreme to me, for my personal situation. My family had been aware of my journey and supportive until my surgery was actually booked recently after doing orientation, reading (and sharing) materials, etc. Now I have literally all my immediate family telling not to do it. My wife is upset as we have two young children and I'll be out of commission for a bit and she's extremely anxious after reading something saying 80% of people end up divorced after this, she feels she doesn't know enough too and that ones understandable. One family member told me I'm being selfish, I still don't understand that one. Another said I don't understand what I'm getting and I should get more info and see a therapist. I get that therapy brings value, but I'm always legitimately happy and in both my weight loss program and the intake for surgery the doctors said I didn't need to see a therapist (and they had them on staff).

It was a little disorienting as I first stated I was looking into this a year ago and decided to go ahead with it in October to universal support. I told one colleague only and they said they didn't see why I would need that. I'm really, really, really glad I'm not on the fence about this, otherwise I might be deterred, but is it common? Have others dealt with the people around them getting the cold feet? It's funny, because I'm getting surgery, but now I find myself wondering how I can support everyone else about it April 19 is my surgery day and that's not going to change unless I'm told so by the medical practice.

[ShoppGirl 4,801]

I would have your wife go with you to talk to your doctor and ask her questions. As for the 80% divorce rate i’m pretty sure it also says it makes a good marriage better and a bad marriage worse. Maybe that will help her feel better about it.

[mswillis5 127]

I agree with ShoppGirl, that you need your wife to fully support you in this journey and as long as your marriage is very good now it will stay that way. Maybe have her watch some videos from the Bariatric Doctors on Youtube that have lots of helpful information as well. That is how I started out when we started to go to the surgeon so that I was fully prepared for the changes that were coming.

Seeing a therapist will help with the mental hunger/stress eating or overall poor eating habits that led to our weight being so high. I have Binge Eating Disorder and see a therapist for that and this has helped me on my weight loss journey. I, like you had UPs and DOWNs with my weight. I went from 220 to 175 back to 220 and then all the way down to 145 before going all the way up to 280. The surgery has helped me so far lose 90 lbs and I am just shy of 5 months out. My wife and I both had the surgery on the same day and for us this made sense and has helped us to maintain our relationship. It also helped us with our meals as we eat the same thing together now. Even my 11 year old daughter eats the same as us and we have seen her health improve as well.

Right after the surgery the only real limitation that I had was lifting weight for 6 weeks. Taking care of your children, minus lifting them, should be doable after a few days of rest after surgery. One possible option is to hire some help if your wife is concerned about this aspect as well.

[Ruddigore 2]

Thanks all, I actually suggested hiring help, but my wife said "COVID". I emailed the practice to see if they can book in a discussion with my wife. Relationship is just fine, I don't foresee any issues, but I'm not the emotional one

Good to know about lifting, I enjoy kayaking and am hoping to be able to lift again asap so I can get out and enjoy the nice weather, I have to portage in a few places...will be nice to fit in the thing a little better now, haha!

[Arabesque 7,259]

Ugh. I so hate when someone deciding to have bariatric surgery experiences a lack of support from family & friends. I’m sure you didn’t decide to do this on a whim. You’ve obviously done research into the process as any sensible & intelligent person would. Bariatric surgery is very common these days & is a comparatively safe surgery.

Going to be a bit harsh so sorry if I offend. First, you’ll be a hell of a lot more ‘out of commission’ if you continue being obese & your health deteriorates (joint pain, immobility, high blood pressure, diabetes, heart issues, ...). Secondly, selfish for deciding to having a surgery which will help you live a better & healthier life which will benefit your family too? I don’t think so. Is it selfish to have knee replacement surgery, or heart surgery? Either of which could be ahead of you if you don’t lose weight. Thirdly, that oh, you don’t need surgery likely comes from someone not wanting to offend by agreeing that you’re obese & need help. And finally, there’s a lot of people still married on this forum. I have two married friends & one married acquaintance who’ve had surgery & their marriages are fine (I’m not married so I don’t count). If 80% fail, at least two would be in trouble. They’re even beating the 50% of marriages fail stats.

A lot of the comments people are making come from fear of the unknown. Everyone seems to know the negative stories but they conveniently forget the positive ones. Taking your wife with you on your next visit is a very good idea. Getting her on side will help manage the thinking of other members of your family. Just think of the day, you can say to them I told you it was the right thing to do. (You can always do the told you so dance 😆.)

Sure, your life will be different. But it’s a way better different.

Good luck. You’ll always have support here.

[Lynnlovesthebeach 626]

That's exactly why I didn't tell anyone at work. They didn't need to know because their opinion didn't matter to me. As a matter of fact only one family member (my brother) knows I had surgery and that's because he took me to the hospital. They all just think I finally got serious about a diet and reached my goal. Since everyone lives miles away from me I'm good with that! As a matter of fact, I'm flying out to Vegas later today to see my son for the first time since I had plastic surgery 7 months ago and I'm not sure how I'll explain my super skinny arms and abd tight as a drum. Oh well, maybe I'll tell him if he asks!

[Ruddigore 2]

Thanks kindly!