Lack of support for post-op

[brooketw 6]

Hi all,

I’m new to this community and this my first post. I have a tentative VSG date of April 12, 2021. Currently awaiting approval from insurance.

Here is my problem: I am a single 40 year-old woman who lives alone with her dog. My parents who are in their early 70s and healthy have agreed to come help out 1-2 weeks post surgery.

As the surgery date gets closer, my parents, specifically my mother are starting to become less and less supportive. She’s unsure if they will be able to help post-op, she thinks I should wait until summer, she’s worried about post-surgical pain, she thinks I should board the dog so they don’t have to take care of her, etc.

I’ve officially been meeting with doctors and checking things off since October of 2020. I’ve been open and planning with my family for this for years. I’m frustrated with the lack of support from my parents and don’t want to wait until summer for surgery. I am able to take time off of work, and work from home when I get surgery in April.

I have been hesitant to share this news or even my surgery plans even with my close friends. It’s too personal and too painful and I don’t really want to depend on them for help. I don’t have a partner or any siblings close enough to help out.

Has anyone struggled with a similar issue? How terrible and painful and unmanageable is the first two weeks after surgery? I don’t want to do it alone, but I’m afraid my parents are not in a good space to move in for 1-2 weeks nd help me directly after. In fact, they seem downright unsupportive at times.

Any advice, recommendations, or experiences are welcome. Thanks in advance.

[joy59 81]

Congratulations!!! It is life changing. I had a gastric bypass at 56 and sole guardian of 2 of my grandchildren. Who were 2 and 8 at the time. I have no family members where I live and friends were out of the question. My daughter who has a young family could only come up for 4 days, it worked out fine. Sore a little but not bad you need to move and walk so having responsibilities to make sure you do kinda helped me. The worst part for me was cooking and preparing meals when I felt sick just looking at it. And then when my daughter ordered pizza!!!! Lol my weakness but I wouldn’t.

Good luck you got this!

[Jaelzion 1,127]

Like @joy59, I had help for only the first 3 days after surgery. I definitely needed it on day 1 and 2 at home, but by day 3 I was okay to be by myself. Of course everyone's experience is different, but you might not need someone for a full 1-2 weeks. It helps that you're still on liquids during that time, so there's no meal prep to speak of.

Edit to add: if they can't come to you, can you go to them and spend a few days at their house? They may be more open to that. I actually spent day 1 at my sister's house and she took me home on day 2. We were at my house together on day 3 and then she went home. That could be an option.

Edit again to add: if they are in their 70s, your parents may be worried about COVID-19. I ended up going through my knee replacement alone because the aunt who was going to take care of me was nervous about possible exposure to COVID-19 (and rightfully so, she's 72 and at high risk). Could that be behind your parents' reluctance?

Edited February 21, 2021 by Jaelzion

[catwoman7 11,210]

I didn't really have any pain at all to speak of. My husband took a week off to help, but he went back to work after three days. Honestly, even though I was grateful for his help - bringing me things, etc - I think I probably could have managed on my own even those first three days. It might be harder with your dog unless you have a fenced yard and can just let him/her out....or have a friend or neighbor walk him/her. Although there are a minority of people who do experience pain (although they'll send you home with meds for it), so I hate to say you'll have little to none, but that does seem to be the case for many of us.

[BigSue 1,359]

I live alone and I didn’t tell anyone about my surgery. I had no trouble taking care of myself after surgery. I was required to have someone pick me up from the hospital, and they specifically said no taxis/Uber/Lyft (but nobody asked, so I probably could have gotten away with it), so I hired a home health aide to pick me up and drive me home. She also picked up my prescriptions. After that, I had no help and didn’t really need any. I was a little worried about stuff like laundry (since you’re supposed to be careful about bending over and lifting things), but didn’t have any issues. You don’t have to do much in the way of food preparation in the beginning because it’s just liquids.

I don’t have any pets, so I didn’t have to worry about that. I think that issue depends on what your dog and home are like. If you have a fenced-in yard and just let the dog out, that should be fine, but if you have to take the dog on walks and it’s a big dog who pulls on the leash, that could be a problem. But I would imagine you can hire a dog-walker for a few weeks if that’s the case (which would be a lot cheaper than boarding).

I had very little pain after surgery, other than gas pain the first day. I didn’t need to take any painkillers after I left the hospital — not even Tylenol. I was pretty tired for the first few days, but by about the 5th day, I felt almost back to normal. I went back to work a week and a half after surgery and I was fine.

Keep in mind that everyone’s recovery is a little different, so yours could be easier or harder than mine, but based on what I’ve read here, my experience is fairly typical.

[LaoDaBeirut 158]

I didn't need much help at all after surgery. Do you have the budget to hire a housekeeper for the month after surgery and a home healthcare aid for the first few days? It's hard to predict your recovery but hiring people could be a solution if you have the ability to do that.

[Hop_Scotch 1,630]

I live alone and undertook surgery by myself. I didn't need any help at all at home, and in fact, was happy not to have anyone around me fussing.

[Arabesque 7,197]

I was almost 54 when I had my surgery & I lived alone too. I looked after myself without a problem. My pain was gone by day 4 & it had been managed easily by the pain meds. I Just had odd twinges after that. I made sure I had everything I needed at home before my surgery. I stocked up on Imodium, gas X, stool softener, broths, Soups, Protein Shakes, hydralite, etc. so I didn’t need anyone to shop for me.

My mother knew about my surgery but was having cataract surgery the same day so couldn’t help. I told two girlfriends. One did the to & from hospital run. Both rang or txt everyday & were willing to come around if I needed them but I was fine.

But in saying that, our post surgical experiences can be different. If you did need them to help, do your parents live close enough to you to come on short notice?

[BayouTiger 62]

Congrats on your impending surgery!! It’s a life changer for sure, and I’m just at the beginning.

I have a 75 lb pitbull mix who things shes a Yorkie and loves laying on me, and a chiweenie. I ended up boarding them for the first 8 days, so I gave myself enough time to get though the initial post op pain (couple days max), and where I felt I could safely hold a leash and handle the dogs without ripping up my newly created digestive system.

As far as taking care of yourself post-op, I just set up my side table with my fluids and any medicine that I might need so it was within my reach and I didn’t have to go too far. By day 6 I was up and walking every 45-90 minutes, and I had a lot of issues post op and was in the hospital for 4 days. Then one day (day 9) I woke up and it was like I turned a corner and feel normal again. It’s rough until that happens,

And finally, about losing the support system, it’s not easy. But this site and the vets have been an absolutely invaluable resource to me and there is SO much great info on here! It’s pretty amazing that strangers from all over the world come together to help eachother!!

Goodluck, youve made an amazing decision for yourself, someone told me recently “if they aren’t with you, they’re against you.” That’s helped me realize who deserves to be on this journey with me and who doesn’t. You can do it!! It will change your life in just a short time!!!

-G

[suburbaneck 6]

I haven’t had surgery yet, but as someone who has endured 3 c-sections with vertical incisions, I think it might be best to board the dog if he’s at all jumpy or be prepared to crate him. The dogs are my number one concern in terms of managing after surgery. I’m sorry your parents are not being as supportive as they once were. Perhaps they are scared for you to go under anesthesia? If your work schedule works out so that April is best, I can’t imagine why you should postpone it to a time when it might be less convenient.

[OnTheWayDown 13]

If I were in your position I would let them know you no longer require their help. But that's me...

I had surgery on a Thursday, released 24 hrs later and my friend picked me up. I made it up my 3rd floor walk-up without issue. I only experienced slight stomach pain (felt like I'd been punched in the gut a week earlier) when getting up and down. I walked every hour, got my own shakes and Water. Was doing light chores in a couple days.

If your dog is mellow I'd say you will be fine and it will encourage you to get your steps in. BUT, you are probably setting yourself up for success to board the dog for a few days and focus on yourself.

They let me walk down from the ward by myself (or wheelchair), so no one knows if you take an Uber. Also I got the scrips filled in the hospital pharmacy.

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[Lillimint 48]

I’m 55 and I live by myself. I prefer to do a lot of things on my own, and I’m used to it. I had a friend drive me to surgery and pick me up. Other than that I was on my own and I was fine. There was pain, but it was manageable. I never did take any of the prescription pain meds. Getting into and out of bed was slow and awkward, but still manageable. There was actually nothing I absolutely *needed* another person to do for me.

Hmmmm...I don’t have a dog, but I would have needed help walking a dog. But not letting one in and out of the house.

I’d stick with the surgery date that you have, and maybe just ask your parents to be available by phone for moral support? When I was in the recovery room after surgery the nurse was very attentive and texted my friend a bunch of times letting her know my progress. I didn’t expect that, but it was nice and would probably be comforting to your parents.

[STLoser 1,099]

OK, I'm not in your situation, as I do have a husband and son and mom who were supportive, but I will say I really didn't need their help too much after surgery.. I never had much pain or trouble getting around, but I did have pretty bad nausea and some vomiting the first few days so I had to stay in the hospital 3 nights.. Once that was over recovery was pretty easy, although I did feel a little week the first couple weeks, but I drove myself to my fu appt. A week after surgery and had no problems.
Of course, everyone is different. I had the Loop DS surgery.
I'm sorry to hear you don't have support though. For me, emotional support is what I needed more than anything.
Know that at least you can get that here. Everyone is so helpful!

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[brooketw 6]

Thank you so much to all of you kind people who responded. Your messages were empowering and gave me lots of new ideas and hope. ❤️🧡💜💛💙💚