No Support from Husband

[Stina537 5]

I am 36 and going through the pre-operation approval phase. Everything has been delayed due to covid. But I am almost at the point of scheduling surgery. I have been diagnosed with moderate sleep apnea and just received my cpap machine. My husband doesn't support my decision because he feels I should have taken my weight issues more serious when I was younger or started dating him and just lose weight naturally. He is from a different culture and very rude about this. It hurts because he will say mean things, like he doesn't know why he married a fat woman and that doesn't help when this is a very emotional process. I am doing this for me and so that I can live a better life and be there for my daughter. When he saw the cpap machine he became so rude and disgusted by the fact that I have to use this machine. I don't care what he thinks or says because I will divorce him if this continues. But it hurts for him to be so mean when I am trying to do something to better myself.

[Hop_Scotch 1,630]

I am sorry you are not getting the support you need from him. Almost sounds like emotional abuse to me. Do you think you (as in he and you) would benefit from marriage counselling? If he chooses not to go, I suspect you'd still get a lot out of it. I hope you are able to be assertive with him when he is beng rude and hurtful.

[Stina537 5]

3 minutes ago, Hop_Scotch said:

I am sorry you are not getting the support you need from him. Almost sounds like emotional abuse to me. Do you think you (as in he and you) would benefit from marriage counselling? If he chooses not to go, I suspect you'd still get a lot out of it. I hope you are able to be assertive with him when he is beng rude and hurtful.

He comes from a culture where saying mean things is the norm and wouldn't go to counseling because they see that as something negative. I have been assertive with him and he doesn't say anything to me about it anymore. But what has been said has been said.

[LaoDaBeirut 158]

I'm really sorry to hear this. To be honest this really doesn't sound healthy and possibly abusive. Do you have anyone else you can stay with?

Do the surgery for YOU. You deserve to live a happy and healthy, long life.

[S@ssen@ch 745]

@Stina537 I agree with the other posters. This sounds like verbal and emotional abuse to me, regardless of cultural behavior. And, as others have said, if your husband won't get counseling, I strongly suggest you get some yourself.

It's unlikely that this will stop without some sort of intervention.

As one abuse survivor to another, strength and prayers to you.

[GradyCat 3,695]

Oh goodness, you're in a difficult situation. How do you put up with his negativity? I'm so sorry you're going through this. So as to the surgery, it's just a tool. Having surgery doesn't make you weak and obviously if you could have done it on your own, you would have, but you need this tool, like the rest of us here do, millions of us around the world. Obesity is real and a b***h, if you'll pardon my language. But you're very strong for realizing that you need to do something about it and you'll put in a lot of hard work after WLS to keep the weight off and follow the program, so don't let him make you feel that it's the weak way out. Talk to your counselor at the surgeon's office, there should be one provided with your program, and tell them about your lack of support so they can assist you. We're here in these forums to support and encourage you as well. Do what's best for YOU!

[Jaelzion 1,127]

I know different cultures have different customs, but you are being abused. If your husband can say horrible things like "I don't know why I married you", then there are deepseated problems with the relationship. He's also contradicting himself since he's supposedly "disgusted" by the CPAP machine but yet opposes you taking a decisive step to lose the weight. It sounds to me like he wants to keep you fat and beaten down because that gives him power over you. A thinner, fitter you likely will not put up with the abuse he's dishing out. These are just my impressions based on the little bit you've told us. You have to do what you believe is right but I'm fearful for you. Someone who can go for the emotional jugular like that may hurt you in other ways as well.

[Stina537 5]

4 hours ago, LaoDaBeirut said:

I'm really sorry to hear this. To be honest this really doesn't sound healthy and possibly abusive. Do you have anyone else you can stay with?

Do the surgery for YOU. You deserve to live a happy and healthy, long life.

Unfortunately, that is not an option. I am not giving up my home and he isn't from this country. All his family is abroad. He says his BS sparingly. I just need somewhere to vent my frustration...

[Deb9386 110]

It sounds as if he's being really horrible to you and that must be hard. But you've made the decision to go ahead with wls and while it's difficult without support at home, you can definitely do it.

[Stina537 5]

3 hours ago, GradyCat said:

Oh goodness, you're in a difficult situation. How do you put up with his negativity? I'm so sorry you're going through this. So as to the surgery, it's just a tool. Having surgery doesn't make you weak and obviously if you could have done it on your own, you would have, but you need this tool, like the rest of us here do, millions of us around the world. Obesity is real and a b***h, if you'll pardon my language. But you're very strong for realizing that you need to do something about it and you'll put in a lot of hard work after WLS to keep the weight off and follow the program, so don't let him make you feel that it's the weak way out. Talk to your counselor at the surgeon's office, there should be one provided with your program, and tell them about your lack of support so they can assist you. We're here in these forums to support and encourage you as well. Do what's best for YOU!

I am seeking out my own counseling so I cope with the random spurts of assholeness. He is naturally slim and never knew what the struggle of someone who has been overweight their entire life. His culture is by default rude. For example his sister has lupus and is on medication that makes her swollen, when they talk he calls her fat and you hear his mom and brothers chiming in the same rude comment. I just ignore him but do not allow him to think it is okay here so he keeps his comments to himself most of the time...

[Stina537 5]

2 minutes ago, Deb9386 said:

It sounds as if he's being really horrible to you and that must be hard. But you've made the decision to go ahead with wls and while it's difficult without support at home, you can definitely do it.

My extended family is really supportive, which helps a lot.

[Stina537 5]

3 hours ago, GradyCat said:

Oh goodness, you're in a difficult situation. How do you put up with his negativity? I'm so sorry you're going through this. So as to the surgery, it's just a tool. Having surgery doesn't make you weak and obviously if you could have done it on your own, you would have, but you need this tool, like the rest of us here do, millions of us around the world. Obesity is real and a b***h, if you'll pardon my language. But you're very strong for realizing that you need to do something about it and you'll put in a lot of hard work after WLS to keep the weight off and follow the program, so don't let him make you feel that it's the weak way out. Talk to your counselor at the surgeon's office, there should be one provided with your program, and tell them about your lack of support so they can assist you. We're here in these forums to support and encourage you as well. Do what's best for YOU!

I don't think he wants to keep me fat to "keep me down". I thibk he doesn't want to deal/ see a cpap machine or have to help me after surgery or go through all that. He just thinks if you eat less and workout then I should lose weight. He sees the surgery as an extra ordeal he will have to deal with. I would divorce now but there are other factors at play that I don't want to get into whether fat or skinny I stand up for myself. I will be seeking out a counselor for additional support.

[BigSue 1,371]

Wow, that's horrible. I hope you know, but I'll say it anyway, that you do NOT deserve to be treated this way. There is a lot of stigma on obesity and weight loss surgery, and I think almost everyone on this forum has had to deal with hurtful comments about it, but it is the worst when these comments come from people who are supposed to love and care about us.

It looks like your husband is not speaking from a place of wanting what's best for you, so it is all the more important that you look out for yourself and don't be influenced by people who are biased against weight loss surgery out of ignorance or personal disgust. Now, there are pros and cons to it, and you should definitely research on your own before you take the plunge, but your decision should be about what's right for your health and your life.

(And the next time your husband says he doesn't know why he married a fat woman, you can reply, "I don't know why I married an a-hole!")

[RTL1234 99]

I’m so sorry you are going through this. It is so difficult to hear someone treat you so poorly. You are trying to prioritize your health and different culture or not, he doesn’t have to be a d**k. 🤷🏼‍♀️ It makes me sad for you.
Take the opportunity to better yourself. My husband was unsure of surgery at first, but supported my decision and has since been awesome and encouraging. I wish this for you!

Rely on those extended family members to help continue to support you. Just remember the way he has been this entire time, when you are crushing your goals. 💪🏼

[livingstone 137]

I agree with everything that others have said about your husband's behaviour being totally out of order - that is just not how to respond to someone you love when they're making a difficult decision. I also had to have a CPAP machine a number of years ago - my husband made fun of me but in a lighthearted and jokey way (making fun of the way it made my look like Darth Vader etc). But that's really different from trying to influence you into making decisions that are not right for you or your health.

All I would say, so you're fully prepared: the surgery can make you super emotional. When I had it, there were times in the hospital when I would burst out crying (I was a 30 year old guy and not a crier normally). When I came home, one day I just burst out crying. I think it's a combination of hormonal responses to surgery, plus there is an element of 'grieving' for loss of food you have had an unhealthy relationship with, plus even though you won't be able to eat, you may still have head hunger. All of that plays havoc with our emotions.

It's fine, and it definitely passes - for me, I was quite down for about two weeks after surgery and then felt tons better.

But I say all of this because when you feel like that, that is when you most need to be around someone who can support you. There will probably be times after having surgery when you think it was the biggest mistake of your life. You need someone who can remind you why you did it, and someone who can make you feel better about yourself. If there is somewhere else you could stay while you recover (you mentioned extended family?) then that may be something to consider. If not, please do just mentally prepare for how you'll feel, and make sure you have people you can call, whether it's friends or a counsellor, or who can visit you, who will help to lift you up.