Don't Want to Tell Family with a Twist

[Elinor1811 3]

This is my first post, although I've been lurking here for a while. I will figure out my signature and update.

I have read a lot of threads with folks talking about telling or not telling friends, family, co-workers about their decision to have surgery. Everyone's decision is unique to them I believe and I respect that. Maybe someday I will feel differently than I do now.

I have chosen not to reveal it to others aside from two close friends that I knew would be supportive and my husband and children. My father wants to come and visit later this week and he has not been told. There are a lot of reasons, but mostly the reason is that he will share it with others that I do not want to know. I can ask him and he can say he won't tell anyone, but he will share. We've been down this road before.

I am almost 5 weeks out from surgery and doing well. Since he last saw me, I weigh 42 pounds less than I did. It is very noticeable and I really need to buy almost a complete set of clothes at this point. It is one thing to say "I'm eating better and exercising" which is true, but he will be staying with us in our house. I cannot conceal from him how little I am eating or that I am not eating the same things he is. I have racked my brain, but cannot figure what to say to him. I REALLY don't want him to know.

I am struggling anyway because he sprung this on me last night and wants to come later this week. I am not ready for the company really. I have loved having the surgery during the Covid bubble and having lots of time to adjust. I love my Dad but he expects me to cook like Mom did when she was alive and to entertain him, and I am still getting used to my new stomach and all I need to do. But I feel bad saying no. He is my Dad and you never know when you will see someone the last time.

Thank you for your opinions and help. Has anyone else dealt with someone staying with you that didn't know?

[ChubRub 1,702]

How long is he staying with you? If a week or so, you could always say you have a sinus infection, or some other non-contagious illness that would be an excuse to feel less than great, and feel less than hungry. I had my surgery last December, and the old "sinus infection" was my excuse, just in case anyone noticed how little I was eating (I was still on liquids at that point).

Good luck!!!

[rjan 164]

It's so hard to give advice on specific things to say to specific family members because you know much better than anyone else what story he's likely to "buy" and how convincing you are at telling stories.

Saying you are sick is certainly one way to go. But for me, since I am not that great of a liar, I find it's best to come up with a story that is actually true, but leave out certain key details. So I would say something like you are on a strict medically supervised diet. Just leave out the surgery part.

[Jaelzion 1,127]

Could you just be "too busy" or otherwise occupied so that you don't actually eat with him? That way the "eating better and exercising" explanation might hold up (and it's true)?

[Guest]

You could say you are having frequent gallbladder attacks and you want to avoid surgery until you can get the covid vaccine so you are making major dietary changes in hopes of buy a few months time. The weight loss has been a added benefit!

[Arabesque 7,218]

It is difficult when you want to control the information about the surgery. Some people, like your dad, just can’t help sharing your stories. But it is your right to control your personal & private information.

I have a nosy & competitive long term friend who I didn’t tell. We caught up for lunch a few times during my weight loss phase. I went down the telling the truth path but just omitted the part about the surgery. I told her I was seeing a dietician - true. I told her I had my doctor’s support - true. I told her I had come to the realisation that as a shorter person with a smaller frame who wasn’t overly active, I didn’t need as much food so I was eating smaller portions - true. I told her I was avoiding or restricting certain foods like carbs while I was trying to lose weight - also true. Now I tell her I’ve changed a lot of my diet based on what I learnt during this time but I’ll always have to work at my diet. She’s accepted everything.

Yes I sometimes do feel a little guilty about not telling her everything but because she is competitive (she started to see a dietician after I told her I was) she’d be of the view I’d the taken the easy route to lose weight by having surgery.

[Recidivist 1,141]

8 hours ago, rjan said:

So I would say something like you are on a strict medically supervised diet. Just leave out the surgery part.

I went with the "medically supervised diet" explanation in many cases when I wanted to explain my dramatic weight loss and small portions. Admittedly, this was mostly with work colleagues and friends, not with immediate family.

[Numbheart 108]

13 hours ago, rjan said:

It's so hard to give advice on specific things to say to specific family members because you know much better than anyone else what story he's likely to "buy" and how convincing you are at telling stories.

Saying you are sick is certainly one way to go. But for me, since I am not that great of a liar, I find it's best to come up with a story that is actually true, but leave out certain key details. So I would say something like you are on a strict medically supervised diet. Just leave out the surgery part.

I agree with the idea of coming up with a story that is actually true but leaving certain key details. At least you don't have to lie, it's much easier that way.

[BigSue 1,359]

I haven't told anyone about my surgery except medical professionals. I had family visit when I was 2.5 months out and they didn't know about my surgery. I had lost over 100 pounds since the last time they saw me. They obviously noticed that I had lost weight but I made it pretty clear it was not a topic for discussion.

I was farther out from surgery than you are now, so it was probably a little easier for me since there were more foods I could eat. I cooked things that I could eat (or at least I could eat some parts), like BBQ chicken and ribs (with a choice of regular or sugar-free BBQ sauce) with veggies on the side, chili, scrambled eggs and turkey sausage, salad and wraps with grilled chicken. You can serve sides like rice, potatoes, Pasta, bread and just not take any for yourself, or take a small portion and push it around on your plate. You can put out Snacks for your family and not eat them, or just eat a small portion, or just grab a yogurt for yourself while others are eating chips. My family not only didn't feel like I was serving diet food, but they actually raved about how great the food was during their visit.

It might not be as obvious as you think it is that you're eating tiny portions. If you take tiny bites and chew for a long time between bites, a small portion will last a long time, and unless your dad is paying really close attention to how much food is on your plate, it will look like you're eating plenty. I think it's harder to see portion sizes in a bowl than on a plate, so foods like Soup, stew, or chili work well. I am a terrible liar so I don't like to say things that aren't true, but my opinion is that you have a right to privacy about your own medical history and if you have to lie a little to keep it private, it's not wrong. That said, I find it easier to tell the truth but not the whole truth -- I'm tracking my food, going low-carb, cutting back on sugar, trying to eat more slowly, drinking more Water, all of which is true and helps to explain my weight loss and changes in eating habits.

[GradyCat 3,695]

Do you feel comfortable cooking for him but not eating it? Is that too much temptation? You could just say, "I'm trying to watch my weight during the holidays."

[BayougirlMrsS 3,934]

13 hours ago, Arabesque said:

It is difficult when you want to control the information about the surgery. Some people, like your dad, just can’t help sharing your stories. But it is your right to control your personal & private information.

I have a nosy & competitive long term friend who I didn’t tell. We caught up for lunch a few times during my weight loss phase. I went down the telling the truth path but just omitted the part about the surgery. I told her I was seeing a dietician - true. I told her I had my doctor’s support - true. I told her I had come to the realisation that as a shorter person with a smaller frame who wasn’t overly active, I didn’t need as much food so I was eating smaller portions - true. I told her I was avoiding or restricting certain foods like carbs while I was trying to lose weight - also true. Now I tell her I’ve changed a lot of my diet based on what I learnt during this time but I’ll always have to work at my diet. She’s accepted everything.

Yes I sometimes do feel a little guilty about not telling her everything but because she is competitive (she started to see a dietician after I told her I was) she’d be of the view I’d the taken the easy route to lose weight by having surgery.

Exactly what i tell people..... I did the whole "tell" when I had the band. It wasn't that I was ashamed of it.... But i can tell you NOT tell is way better.

@Elinor1811 Everything you could do before you can do now... just in very small bites. If you know your dad will tell, don't tell him... Just follow what @Arabesque said

[GivinItMyALL 169]

There are many people (including my mother) I am not telling for various reasons. When I eventually see them, I will likely use the "medically supervised diet" explanation, as it is not a lie.

[rjan 164]

5 hours ago, BigSue said:

I was farther out from surgery than you are now, so it was probably a little easier for me since there were more foods I could eat. I cooked things that I could eat (or at least I could eat some parts).... My family not only didn't feel like I was serving diet food, but they actually raved about how great the food was during their visit.

I love this! And what a great reminder that in the long term, your eating can get back to mostly normal - just with smaller portions and some tweaks to up Protein and reduce carbs.

[tarotcardreader 196]

for me it wasn't my first intestine surgery so its just assumed i had another and will always eat funny. I did hear one woman say she just had her gallbladder taken out as an excuse for post op eating after bypass