Unsupportive Boyfriend

[AliciaBoyles 4]

*Caution, Kind of a long read*

Hi everyone,

I had a my surgery in December 2019 and even before surgery my boyfriend of almost 5 years was very against me having surgery. His question is always "what am I going to gain from you having this surgery?" and he doesn't seem to care at all that losing weight is what is best for me. At my highest weight I was about 10 pounds shy of reaching 300 pounds and he always was very against me getting over 300 pounds and he constantly told me that if I worked out and ate right I could easily lose the weight I wanted to lose on my own (though it is very hard to lose almost 100 pounds on your own with support, i couldn't imagine doing it with the little to no support he was offering). He has horrible eating habits himself, soda, fast food 3-5 times weekly, and no exercise but lucky for him he has always been skinny and has a fairly good metabolism and never has to worry about his weight. I went back and forth for years over having surgery and my mom had gastric bypass in 2016 and lost about 200 pounds and is doing amazing and he swears up and down that I did this surgery just because she kept telling me to (which is entirely untrue) and that if I didn't listen to everything my mom said then I would have been able to lose the weight on my own and now he just thinks I took the easy way out. Which, a bit of back story, I was very very sick after my surgery and in a lot of pain and I could not get fluids or food down well for the first 2 months post op and I was so weak I could hardly get out of bed and if I did I would feel faint and practically pass out in the shower, on the toilet, etc. He saw me go through all of this until they found out I had a stricture and they had to go in and dilate it and now I feel amazing, but still after watching me go through all of this he still thinks that I was weak and took the easy way out. Now he thinks that at 3 months post op and 65 pounds down from my highest weight and still another 60 pounds away from my goal that I am getting far too skinny and that I need to stop right now at the weight that I am at or else he will no longer find me attractive. I don't think he seems to understand that I can not simply just stop losing weight and that I had this surgery in the first place to lose a significant amount of weight because I was morbidly obese. I have been overweight almost my whole life and all I have ever wanted was just to be a normal goal, have boys like me, make friends, have confidence, and be able to shop in a normal store and not have to desperately search for cute clothes which rarely existed in the plus sized section. Now I have a boy that I love and would hate to lose but he is making it seem like I made this super selfish decision to change MY BODY without his consent and that now I should feel guilty for potentially flushing out 4 year long relationship down the drain and wasting his time. I just don't know what to do now, he said not to call him until I can explain to him how me losing weight and getting "skinny" is going to benefit him in any way. I'm just saying, I did this surgery for me, I deserve to be happy and feel good about myself too. I don't give a single damn about being skinny, I just want to be happy and healthy and at almost 300 pounds I was so far from that that it's not even funny. I just need his support and I don't think i'll ever get it.

[PlanetHopper 86]

16 hours ago, AliciaBoyles said:

His question is always "what am I going to gain from you having this surgery?"

So I started reading your post, and this was the first thing I noticed. I had to stop and start responding right away. This is a RED FLAG. This decision was not about him, it was for you.

16 hours ago, AliciaBoyles said:

he still thinks that I was weak and took the easy way out

A lot of people who are uninformed about the surgery say this. Every person that has ever had bariatric surgery knows that it isn't true.

16 hours ago, AliciaBoyles said:

I just need his support and I don't think i'll ever get it.

I am very sorry to hear that he does not support you with your decision. I hope you remember that this decision wasn't about him. The fact that he continues to demand an explanation of how this will benefit him is a bad sign.

I am very proud of you for doing what is best for you. I hope you continue with doing so because your life isn't about anyone but you and thus you should try your best to make decisions that result in your own happiness even if it means leaving people behind. ❤️

[BoredFatGirl 134]

I have left relationships that have lasted longer for less. Please don't let the amount of time spent with someone be a deciding factor in what you should or shouldn't be doing. If someone isn't actively adding to your life, then they aren't worth being there in the first place. He sounds like he is insecure with you losing weight and gaining confidence, hence his reactions and belittling of you. There are plenty of men out there who would adore you and support your journey, so please don't let some a*****e ruin it for you. ♥

[Miss215 21]

He is an a-hole. Bottom line. I tell men from jumpstreet...”what you like is not my concern. I may inform you or run things by you, but rarely if ever will I be doing it to have your consent or blessing. EYE am the boss of me, and no one else. “ Your story is a familiar example to me as I’ve seen things like this happen to multiple relationships..it’s as if they see the success as a threat to the fortitude of the relationship. I think some men may be scared that you’ll “outgrow” them, which could very well be true, but it is an act of outright selfishness to try to put you down for bettering yourself. If he’s no longer attracted to you once you become smaller, oh well, his loss, but how could you deter someone you love from doing everything they can to live a healthier life?...

I say you go out and find another man who will love and support you unconditionally. You deserve it!

[New&Improved 1,780]

On 3/30/2020 at 3:25 PM, AliciaBoyles said:

*Caution, Kind of a long read*

Hi everyone,

I had a my surgery in December 2019 and even before surgery my boyfriend of almost 5 years was very against me having surgery. His question is always "what am I going to gain from you having this surgery?" and he doesn't seem to care at all that losing weight is what is best for me. At my highest weight I was about 10 pounds shy of reaching 300 pounds and he always was very against me getting over 300 pounds and he constantly told me that if I worked out and ate right I could easily lose the weight I wanted to lose on my own (though it is very hard to lose almost 100 pounds on your own with support, i couldn't imagine doing it with the little to no support he was offering). He has horrible eating habits himself, soda, fast food 3-5 times weekly, and no exercise but lucky for him he has always been skinny and has a fairly good metabolism and never has to worry about his weight. I went back and forth for years over having surgery and my mom had gastric bypass in 2016 and lost about 200 pounds and is doing amazing and he swears up and down that I did this surgery just because she kept telling me to (which is entirely untrue) and that if I didn't listen to everything my mom said then I would have been able to lose the weight on my own and now he just thinks I took the easy way out. Which, a bit of back story, I was very very sick after my surgery and in a lot of pain and I could not get fluids or food down well for the first 2 months post op and I was so weak I could hardly get out of bed and if I did I would feel faint and practically pass out in the shower, on the toilet, etc. He saw me go through all of this until they found out I had a stricture and they had to go in and dilate it and now I feel amazing, but still after watching me go through all of this he still thinks that I was weak and took the easy way out. Now he thinks that at 3 months post op and 65 pounds down from my highest weight and still another 60 pounds away from my goal that I am getting far too skinny and that I need to stop right now at the weight that I am at or else he will no longer find me attractive. I don't think he seems to understand that I can not simply just stop losing weight and that I had this surgery in the first place to lose a significant amount of weight because I was morbidly obese. I have been overweight almost my whole life and all I have ever wanted was just to be a normal goal, have boys like me, make friends, have confidence, and be able to shop in a normal store and not have to desperately search for cute clothes which rarely existed in the plus sized section. Now I have a boy that I love and would hate to lose but he is making it seem like I made this super selfish decision to change MY BODY without his consent and that now I should feel guilty for potentially flushing out 4 year long relationship down the drain and wasting his time. I just don't know what to do now, he said not to call him until I can explain to him how me losing weight and getting "skinny" is going to benefit him in any way. I'm just saying, I did this surgery for me, I deserve to be happy and feel good about myself too. I don't give a single damn about being skinny, I just want to be happy and healthy and at almost 300 pounds I was so far from that that it's not even funny. I just need his support and I don't think i'll ever get it.

I'm very sorry you have a man like that I feel he's actually getting worried you're going to actually get confidence in yourself.

I also had the bypass I was 322 my highest I'm now maintaining around 170lbs and I could not have done it without the bypass and now my metabolism is completely different.

[juncaj4 6]

You have to love yourself first and foremost. You’re on the right track. This is for you and no one else. There are plenty of supportive men out there. Learn to love yourself first and foremost then find someone who is worthy of sharing that love.

[osherz 7]

I am so sorry he has not been supportive or understanding of this decision, I know how it makes a huge difference when the people we love put effort into understanding us and being there for us. It seems that he does not see the value in having a more confident, happier, healthier girlfriend and what a difference that could make in so many aspects in your relationship, your life, your mental and physical health.

This decision is not about him, it is for you and about you; believe that! Please do not feel guilty or that you owe him anything from what you chose to do for your own health.

[Dogmom68 135]

Firstly, congratulations to you for making a positive decision for your health! You ABSOLUTELY deserve to feel good about yourself! No one has the right to tell you otherwise.
Secondly, how the hell is having surgery EASY?? This is NOT an “easy way out!” It’s hard work to decide to have it, it’s hard work to recover, it’s hard work to learn to adjust to a new way of life... I think you know where I’m going with this. Don’t second-guess your decision just because he’s afraid of your growth in a positive direction!
Lastly, if he is meant for you and truly loves you he would support you in this decision. Do NOT feel afraid to move beyond him, if that’s what you really want. Either he’ll join you on your journey to health or fall by the wayside. It’s HIS choice. If he chooses not to, then you just stay strong and know other people out there admire and love you.

[pmz 23]

*Caution, Kind of a long read*
Hi everyone,
I had a my surgery in December 2019 and even before surgery my boyfriend of almost 5 years was very against me having surgery. His question is always "what am I going to gain from you having this surgery?" and he doesn't seem to care at all that losing weight is what is best for me. At my highest weight I was about 10 pounds shy of reaching 300 pounds and he always was very against me getting over 300 pounds and he constantly told me that if I worked out and ate right I could easily lose the weight I wanted to lose on my own (though it is very hard to lose almost 100 pounds on your own with support, i couldn't imagine doing it with the little to no support he was offering). He has horrible eating habits himself, soda, fast food 3-5 times weekly, and no exercise but lucky for him he has always been skinny and has a fairly good metabolism and never has to worry about his weight. I went back and forth for years over having surgery and my mom had gastric bypass in 2016 and lost about 200 pounds and is doing amazing and he swears up and down that I did this surgery just because she kept telling me to (which is entirely untrue) and that if I didn't listen to everything my mom said then I would have been able to lose the weight on my own and now he just thinks I took the easy way out. Which, a bit of back story, I was very very sick after my surgery and in a lot of pain and I could not get fluids or food down well for the first 2 months post op and I was so weak I could hardly get out of bed and if I did I would feel faint and practically pass out in the shower, on the toilet, etc. He saw me go through all of this until they found out I had a stricture and they had to go in and dilate it and now I feel amazing, but still after watching me go through all of this he still thinks that I was weak and took the easy way out. Now he thinks that at 3 months post op and 65 pounds down from my highest weight and still another 60 pounds away from my goal that I am getting far too skinny and that I need to stop right now at the weight that I am at or else he will no longer find me attractive. I don't think he seems to understand that I can not simply just stop losing weight and that I had this surgery in the first place to lose a significant amount of weight because I was morbidly obese. I have been overweight almost my whole life and all I have ever wanted was just to be a normal goal, have boys like me, make friends, have confidence, and be able to shop in a normal store and not have to desperately search for cute clothes which rarely existed in the plus sized section. Now I have a boy that I love and would hate to lose but he is making it seem like I made this super selfish decision to change MY BODY without his consent and that now I should feel guilty for potentially flushing out 4 year long relationship down the drain and wasting his time. I just don't know what to do now, he said not to call him until I can explain to him how me losing weight and getting "skinny" is going to benefit him in any way. I'm just saying, I did this surgery for me, I deserve to be happy and feel good about myself too. I don't give a single damn about being skinny, I just want to be happy and healthy and at almost 300 pounds I was so far from that that it's not even funny. I just need his support and I don't think i'll ever get it.

His comments make me very, very concerned that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. You have been reasonable and talked things through. He has had a chance to "get it" and he's not taking it. Please, for the sake of your own healthy future (both physically and mentally), be careful. If you don't feel like you can leave, at least get into counseling with someone who can help you sort through your feelings and support the positive decisions you can make.

I recently ended a 25 year marriage that included (mild) physical, verbal, emotional, and financial abuse. Life is sooo much better. Even the hard parts like the basement flooding are easier without having to work around him and be criticized the whole time. If you decide to leave, I promise, there will continue to be life, joy, and happiness afterwards. Good luck!

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using BariatricPal mobile app

[GradyCat 3,695]

But it's NOT the easy way out. WLS is just a tool. We still have to work hard the rest of our lives to eat right and stay on track and it's a lifetime commitment. We are NOT weak.

[Numbheart 108]

He should be happy for you and not think about himself.

[Wickerbuni 17]

I'm sorry for resurecting older posts, but I really hope you lost more weight than your body did. Hope you lost him. He sounds so selfish. That comment about what will he get out of it just irks me. If my husband said that to me I'd divorce him.

[ashirkey81 20]

I was reading this and just stopped and ran up and gave my husband a huge hug. He is so supportive of me and the surgery. He knows this isn't the easy way out but he said "wouldn't you want your girlfriend or wife to have it easy" and he is right. I know this isn't easy and you had a lot of issues afterwards. But if it were easy, I would wish that on you. I hope you have left this guy and moved on. If not, I hope he has come to terms with your weight loss.

Sent from my SM-G991U using BariatricPal mobile app

[vikingbeast 987]

Ya, this is an oldie but a common problem... and I did the same thing, ran over and gave my fiancé a huge hug and a kiss.

If you're reading this and thinking the original post applies to you... there's an easy way to lose 200 lbs. really quickly via dumping syndrome... as in, dumping the unsupportive loser. Let him be jealous when you're a 10 outside as well as inside and he's stuck at a 4... maybe.